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3.25.2005

I smiled Today.

I still hadn't found anything to wear.

It was 45 minutes to call time and I had just woke up. What kind of shit is that? I woke up this morning four hours after my last post, to go see my cousin who is incarcerated on a probation violation. I haven't seen him since we were teenagers so the thought of seeing him some 7 years later, in our early 20's was going to be a shock for him and an attempt for the both of us to make the best of our lives now, since the adults that were suppose to ensure that we grew up together failed us at all costs. I am deeply saddened that our parents and our family as a unit divided-because it was unfair on us, the children.

I went down to the county jail the day before his transfer to the big house. I went with his father, whom I recently started talking to again, and our uncle who is the most irritating if not the most dumbest man in the universe.

It was really cute because they don't know that I am gay. They just think I am pink because I was raised by my mother. So I had to be a total boy today, no "queen lingo." I had to butch it all up, because whats funny is my cousin, behind the glass caught my tea, which is funny...I'll tell you about it later....

The dynamic was interesting. Because in my whole 23 years I can't remember a time where I was with two of my eldest uncles alone. It had always been one or the other. My uncles, all of them are light, day, and galaxies apart from each other. My cousins dad, we'll just call him 50. Cause he's 50 and his vision and hearing is going. So I kept having to read and tell him everything. My other uncle is Farrakhan's first cousin. He's on this whole conspiracy theory tip. He has some valid points but shut the fuck up already, damn!

The green paint on the walls, and the menagerie of people from any ghetto U.S.A. were the backdrop for L.A.'s misty weather this morning as we formed two single lines down the cracked, paved, dirty, pathway that led us to the reception room where we would wait until my cousins named was called.

When it was called, my heart skipped a beat when I heard his name because I had not seen or even spoke with him, prior to us graduating high school. I was anxious, to hear what he sounded like, did he still look like the kid that I use to play with and do everything with, how had life and his circumstances changed who he was now, in this situation.

He was still the same.

In his eyes he was excited to see me. As I was to see him. We didn't have time to catch up like I wanted to because, it wasn't the time or place, his dad needed to speak with him, since he hadn't spoke with him in about 10 months, and Farrakhan's first cousin was lecturing his nephew as he was his son, when he needed to worry about why his kids didn't like him. I tell you niggas and their priorities.

Cutting out the drama and the riff raff, this is the beginning of my new life. I am glad that my family is once again becoming the unit that I once knew, but missing crucial elements. Like my Grandmother, the matriarch of it all. My cousin Tuesday who I lost in January, should have been here to witness the three of us together going to show our love and support as family should. She would have loved to have physically seen and heard about it. It would have given her some temporary peace to her private torment.

Nevertheless, I am glad that my uncle and his incarcerated son are on the path to reconnection. I am glad that they both have realized it is never to late to get close and patch things up with your family.

I am glad to know that my cousin now knows that we are there for him, even though all of our actions have told him different, even it's not directly our fault.

He and I are both products of vicious chains that are starting to break.

Sometimes it takes a long while, a lifetime, to recognize the part that we play in others bondage. We may or may not directly mean it. But when we realize the mistakes that we have made with others and in our own lives, it is the genuine sincerity that comes out of the moment in which we are able to relinquish ourselves from inner turmoil and bitterness.

This is the start of our new lives. As the flowers bloom this spring, we will grow like a soft petal shining in the glistening sun.

I love life for all it's worth. Up and Down. In all of my crazy, insane, ways. I smiled today, and for the right reasons.

2 comments:

TheBlacks said...

Excellent.

tara said...

i am very happy that you went to see your cousin. we tend to shut family out when they make mistakes and bad decisions. we are still family. i am dealing with a similar case with a family memeber being in jail and i know you will be there for family. it seems to me that your grandmother installed a great deal of holding the famliy together and its now on you. sometimes we have to be the bigger one.
tara