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Untitled (How Does It Feel?)

"What a day, what a day. The man knows something, knows that he knows nothing at all..."

-Erykah Badu
Baduizm 97

So where do I begin? I overslept for class. I knew I wasn't going anyway because my sleeping pattern has been off for the last three weeks, nevertheless I still did want to go. I am seriously thinking about scrapping this whole semester and starting again in the summer...Too much to deal with.

I think yesterday had to have been the best day ever, especially finding out that my book sold out across the whole city. I still don't think this whole publishing bit has hit me yet...But I am glad that my work is getting out there. I think for once someone somewhere can appreciate the realness, honesty, candidness, and the openness I serve. Cause bitches wanna act funny when you bring it to them real...

Today was another day of reflecting and thinking. A few issues I am dealing with mentally...

I guess that I am naive, well to a certain extent. I think that it's quite obvious to some, and it has probably crossed the mind of most; my sexual orientation. Is he gay or is he straight? This is something that I don't go around telling people, and it's not necessarily that I want to hide it either. I am having this issue. I didn't or don't have a "come out of the closet" story with my family. I am sure that they all know, but I confirmed for someone today, and the reaction was, well, I have yet to find out.

My family life is rather interesting. I was an only child for 20 years, right, 20 years. My mom had a new child three years ago while I was studying at Southern University. My Mom comes from a large family, it's 9 of them (5 Boys, 4 girls) so I had cousins to play with and things.

My father passed away when I was six, he was murdered, and in addition to me he had a daughter, we are three years apart. She and I don't really have a relationship. No shade...We just don't.

My family life changed drastically in 1996 when my Grandmother was murdered...

My perfect family life was changed forever. The family that I had grown up with was more distant than ever and I felt like I had been punished for something I really didn't have a part in.
I was distraught because I felt my older cousins were privileged. Everyone came to their High School graduation, their proms, watch them learn how to drive, and I got none of that, because my family was too busy bickering to come together.

Nonetheless, my family wasn't and still isn't close after 9 years. Half of them don't even know that I've started my own publishing company and have a book out.

But today it was discovered not only that I had written a book, but I was gay and I wrote a whole book about being gay. Not that I care about their discovery cause I am quite "Whatever, fuck you too bitch!" type of person, but it's just weird how I'm close with certain people and then they freak out when they find out that you suck dick.

So last night one of my friends calls me at 3 a.m. 5 minutes later he shows up on my lawn in a paranoid, reefer induced, smoken haze, blitz-telling me that his ex, "Boy C" is HIV positive. I was quickly taken back because "Boy C" is the same person that not only gave him a correctable STD, but this is the same boy that he cheated on his then "Boy A" boyfriend with. But the plot thickens, and it gets confusing so pay attention. My Friend, myself, and "Boy A" (his boyfriend first) were all friends. I scolded my friend for his promiscuous behavior and told him to change or I would stop being his friend. He didn't listen.

It got so bad to the point where we would be at the club and be engaging in multiple sex acts! (Yes with multiple people) So I had to cut him loose. But "Boy A" and I were friends too. Long story short, "Boy A" found out that he was being cheated on, but never found out who the culprit was. "Boy A" and I messed around....(crazy right) I was in that situation where I was there for him during the break-up blah blah, and that one thing led to another bullshit. Get this. Not only is "Boy A" now dating "Boy C," "Boy C" has not disclosed his status nor the fact that he once dated and burned "Boy A's" ex, and "Boy C" knows they dated. Why me? Why me!!!!!?????

So my friend is all tripped out because I told him long ago that the gay circle is extremely small. And watch who you keep company with. And when you're a hoe, its a claustrophobic box. Am I paranoid? No. "Boy A" and I never engaged in risque behavior. Do I get tested? Yes, and I will continue to. But I knew this day would come....

I'm tired of trying to date. The shit is whack and overrated and everybody is all fucked up in the mind. They either don't know how, can't be, or just don't want to be happy...Then they meet someone like me they are jealous of me for living out my dreams. And I don't even think I am doing anything major.

I do have one issue though. Especially when comes to dating: my weight. I don't make it an issue, but everyone else wants to point it out to make me seem like I am the insecure one. I know I am fat. I can outrun most skinny people I know, I am comfortable with my fat ass, and once again there is nothing wrong with me for wearing a size 40. Get over it already queens.

You fags make me sick trying to impose your perfection of physical appearance. And I am irritated, because it's utterly ridiculous-and it does damage people mentally. But thank GOD I'm strong enough to deal with you shallow bastards. LOL. I don't care if I am stepping on toes either, fuck you.

Answer me this: I know people look for their equal mentally. I can understand that. But what and the fuck does someone who is your equally physically do for you? Why do you want to look at something that is similar to you, isn't that the whole point of opposites attract? URGHH.

The last guy that I attempted to talk to on an intimate level asked me 39 times over a week period, yes I did count, "How much do you weigh?" When I never told him, and asked him what was the relevance of him knowing that-he tried to tell me I was insecure. I wish you fags would get it together. You're so damn concerned with your outer appearance and burning off your cafe lattes at Bally's and things you're going to miss the person that you claim you want to meet and be with.

But I'll end this movement by saying this. If and when I do get ready to conform to societal views of beauty, and I get my six pack, I'll remember you when I am sittin up pushed, with a fat ass bank account, to go along with my fat career, my fat ass, my fat house, with my fat inner happiness, and my fat security. LOL. I think what I said is "hot." "FUCK YOU SKINNY BITCHES!!"

Anyway. I am gonna get ready to return some phone calls. Clean my kitchen, take a bath, and go have sex with my muscular, 6-pack-shakur havin' sex partner.

call it what you want. I ain't bitter, just upset at the way there is such division amongst a group of people that are already outcasts.

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