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4.05.2005

Untitled Part 3

Where do I begin? I am at a point in my life that I often revisit. It happens often enough, till the point I know what is coming, how and why it's happening, and when it going to be over. But you'd think that since I am familiar with this state of mind I know how to handle it. But since a new elemental layer is added to this intricate problem, it baffles me into a corner of silent oblivion.

When my mom called my dorm room September 24, 2001 and told me she was pregnant, I laughed so hard. In my head I was like she is out of her fuckin' mind. I am too old to be
replaced-yikes. The situation was already complex. My mom and my sisters dad were dating for 7 years, and they were broken up when my mom found out she was pregnant. That was crazy enough in itself.

So my mom decides to keep the baby (obviously) while during the course of the pregnancy my mom is calling me in Louisiana, telling me the trials of her pregnancy with her new baby daddy. How he's smoking around her, the arguing, the reason why they're not together, him being a damn drunk, etc...

That December my mom had to be hospitalized because her lungs were filled with fluid. It was a week before I came home for Christmas break, so after finals and everything I fly home, mom is still in the hospital and she has complications with her pregnancy. My mom literally begged me to stay at home and help her the spring semester. I didn't want to. I did not want to stop my life to help her and this new baby. Not that I was jealous, but she, her family, and her issues were the reasons why I left Los Angeles, and all of a sudden she needs me. I told her no, repeatedly.

January had rolled around and she hemorrhaged, and got really ill. I ended up staying. Which ended up being three years.

Fast forward to April 2002. My sister is born three months early. The situation worsens. Her dad becomes more of a deadbeat, tries to get sole custody of my sister, has his dyke sister pull me out of the closet, hit my mom, I kick his ass on the front lawn, leaving out so much. But Three years a restraining order and a court order later I hate his stupid ass.

But here is my irritation, since you're getting the condensed version. My mom has to be to work at 7:00, I don't have to do shit that damn early but sleep. Neither does her father. He gets off of work at 11 p.m. My sister just started pre-k and the school opens at 7 a.m. My sisters dad is an asshole and is putting unfair pressure on my mother, "I'm not taking her to school..." So since I am available during the day and I promote my book and my other projects in the evening or late at night, the burden falls on me.

In all of my selfish ways, I do not, will not, and can not alter my life anymore for children that aren't my responsibility. I feel bad for the child in all of this because her parents are both equally stupid. But it's unfair to me to stop my life (even if I ain't doin' anything but regrouping from a hangover) to help two grown adults who are suppose to have it together.

I agreed to take my sister to school. Only because I am responsible, if nothing else. I did it because it's the right thing to do. But I swear some of these Black men (NIGGAS) need to get their shit together and step up to the muthafuckin plate and stop bullshittin' around blamin' everything on that white man with the staff.

I feel like singing Fantasia's baby momma song, because women, truly are the backbone.

Part 4 comes tomorrow. By the way I am depressed, so excuse that. I'll be back tomorrow with something prolific.

I guess I am allotted one day.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

sounds like you need to get away. my door is always open. hell you already know this. hang in there and if you need me i am here!!!
carter