Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

6.29.2005

Things Turn Out Well

So anyway...Things are going very well. Yesterday, Tuesday was an extremely great day for me. I was appreciated for my worth and positivity always exceeds the negative clouds that rain on my parade...(thanks Rashek)

God is good...
He is still on the thrown...

All black fags aren't bad-because I met a new one today and he is "Fabulous!"
Never dignify a lie with truth...
All people aren't bad...
People only talk about you if you're doing something right...
People will try to stop your shine, but you keep being you and doing you...


I love you...
I won't know you're here unless you tell me....

Love Ya,

Shout out to DeVaughn, Val, Donnie, Esther, Jetaime, my momma, Gaskin, and the people that leave comments on my blog.
Peace up A Town Down

FUCK A FAKE BITCH

6.28.2005

How Should I feel?

If I had to choose two things that I hate the most they would have to be hypocrites and fake bitches!

As I mentioned before, I am working a performing arts camp this week at CSULB. I think its a phenomenal place for teenagers to come and express themselves freely, while mingling with their fellow creative peers, and honing their crafts. I admire them for their work and I think that this diverse group of young adults are phenomenal....(is that the word of the day?)

Well of course, I am Trent Jackson, and where ever there is Trent Jackson there is always some type of tale to be told...

Like for instance, at 7 a.m. this morning...I don't do mornings, I am use to my noon-5 a.m. routine and so is everyone else who is apart of my circle...but since I am wearing the teacher hat this week I have to get up.

As I am squeezing gel in my right hand there is a knock at my door. It's the camps director and the dance instructor (another Black Gay Male) and his assistant (an even more Black Gay Male, who happens to be snooty, snotty, genteel, and very "kept" which meant he was a bitch with that fag lisp...)

I introduce myself and I extended my left hand to shake it as my right was occupied...The dance instructor turned his nose up at me....and grunted. So I looked, processed and spoke to his assistant and it seems as if it took everything in his rotten soul to get out his partial "ehello."

So I was pissed. I was thinking to myself, no these high saddidy ass fags are not up in here thinkin' they are better than someone...I didn't pull the fat skinny card, I didn't pull the cute/ugly card...it was definitely "one of those moments."

The "one of those moments," that I am talking about is when two black fags greet each other. There is this subtle but obvious competency thing going on. The same thing that goes on between light and dark skinned people. Women in the restroom, except the subtle undertone between to black fags is to the 100th power.

It's like their ego and my personality preceded the both of us. I was going in with an open head. In fact I was being super friendly before the two queens rained on my parade...But it didn't stop there.

I guess it's natural for people with malice in their heart to interrupt the positivity that spews like sun rays out of my skin. Cause I don't need confirmation that I am a good person and I'm humble, genuinely nice.

I am pissed off further because he is a damn hypocrite. In his introduction he talked about how "blessed, and humble" he was. How "open, receptive, and accepting he was," and people can "come to him and tell him anything..." But you wrote me off before I gave you a chance to? What kind of shit is that.

I'm not worried about it-because I always win in the end...I am working at a camp for 13-19 year olds.

They already knew that I was gay, and I had written a book about gay themed life...so they knew what they were getting into before they signed me up...or when they signed me up I should say.

Long story short, I made acquaintance with this girl who is 19 from BX (Bronx). We hit it off right away and we talked about me being gay...I slid her a copy of my book and you know who was standing in the cut waiting for me to do something so he could try to stop my shine...little bitch.

Before I could get on my cell phone and gossip with one of my homies, I get a mental note from the camp director...I go to my suite and knock knock...guess who the fuck was there.

"Trent, how are ya."

I was like fuck the dumb shit...what's up. HE told me that someone mentioned to him that I passed out my book to a camper. I said tell (fag dancerographer man and his flunky) to mind his fuckin' business-and if he has a problem address it with me. And for the record the camper is a legal adult in her jurisdiction and further more the material presented in At This Moment is suitable for her age category-end.

I also went on to tell him how I didn't appreciate him and his fucked up attitude at the start of my day and to add bigger insult to injury he's a black fag doing it...I expect it, but then again I didn't, because I went into this experience thinking positive...

My camp director is white. I told him that he wouldn't understand, but I told him "let me help you understand where I am coming from..." I laid the shit out.

I let him know that I will be completing my week here at the camp because I am here to assist and make a positive impact on the kids...Not the dance teacher.

However this will be an interesting week...Just for the dynamic between THE ONLY TWO BLACK STAFF MEMBERS of this camp...There are about 6 black campers...And it's day one all this shit going on...5 days left. What will he think of next?

6.27.2005

My Voyage To India

With the genious of Gaskin, he's prepared a list of questions based on India.Arie's "Voyage To India." Here it go...

Growth -- Paint a picture for your readers of the Trent of yesterday, the Trent of today and Trent of tomorrow.

I come from a place of hurt. Pain. I’ve experienced a lot in my young life…being molested; dealing with death and coping by the time I was 6. Growing up overweight, being gay, learning what racism was when I was 12. I transformed into a person who loves himself despite of what others think, say, or pressure me to feel (society). I did that by recognizing my beauty, my talent, the gifts that I had to offer (writing, my creativity, my listening skills, my need to help humanity…) and realizing that it was okay for ME to be gay, for me to be overweight, for me to be the opposite of the ideologies that I had been taught. I learned to accept my difference to help me prepare to morph into a person who can help others with tarnished pasts. How to help them build a bridge and get over hurt, turning their tragedy into triumph, so that they may help others, and in turn perpetuate a positive cycle of self-worth, confidence, strength, and understanding.


Little Things -- When most folks aren't watching, what are the little things that make Trent smile?

I like watching men interact…especially “thugs.” Not only because they are cute-but because they are normal and they have hearts just like everyone else. They are just misunderstood. Because of the clothes they wear, where they live, who they hang out with. Their interaction is just as normal as anyone else’s and I wish they knew (had) a positive outlet in which they could express themselves. The elderly make me smile. It reminds me of my grandmother while she was alive…it makes me remember the good times growing up with me, cooking for me while my mother was at work, helping me with my homework. It helps me keep her alive in my heart.

Talk to Her -- If you could have a short conversation with your cousin Tuesday, What would she say to you as you listened?

She would tell me that she loved me and she’s proud of what I am doing. She would tell me to hurry up and finish school and to continue my path of expressing myself creatively. Now she’s in heaven watching over me and she knows my path of life to the end…she can guide me and be an angel and really ensuring that I get what I deserve.

Slow Down -- Describe a situation where Trent had to take a break from it all.

I think when I canceled my book tour…my book tour actually started in February. But I got really depressed right after the release of my book and I canceled all of my April and May dates. I was just dealing with the death of Tuesday, being fired from a job, and just trying to make sense of things. When I take a break I just stay in my room. My room is so comfortable-I have everything there…if I had my way I would never leave it.

The Truth -- Describe your truth.

My truth is based on Seven Principles of life that I wrote when I was becoming the person that I am today…

Have the courage to step out and separate yourself from the masses and walk with your head high.

Be bold in your walk and don’t let anyone stop you from being you.

Be assertive in your approach and you’ll get what you want.

Have the strength to carry on for yourself-even if you feel like you cant go on anymore…STAND!

Have the endurance to deal with life for it will only prepare you for what’s next…

Be able to adapt to any and all situations. This will build your character and broaden your horizons.

Focus on what you want out of life…this is your truth and your path to happiness.

Beautiful Surprise -- Name that person/place/or thing that has become your beautiful surprise…

I think my life has been a beautiful surprise. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death-I will fear no evil for GOD is within me…I have had many people support me, my cause, this blog, my work-so everything in it’s own rite is a beautiful surprise.

Healing -- How does Trent heal his mind, body and soul?

If I am going through anything I write, I cry and I sleep…and drink lots of water!

Get It Together -- When things fall apart for you -- How did you put them back together?

I find a way to pick up the pieces and find my way back to the road. I always have a goal…I always remember what I am trying to accomplish at that moment in my life and no matter what happens I always find a way around whatever obstacle to accomplish it. People want to see you fail…but I always find a way to prove them wrong and to prove to myself and to others that anything can be done as long as you believe in yourself…you have the power within you to make anything happen.

Headed In The Right Direction -- Describe the week ahead of you.

Well I am doing a camp session this week at CSULB, which means I am away from my realm! I am mentoring/teaching at a performing arts camp…so I don’t know what the week holds…and my book tour starts on Friday…so I am anxious about that.

Can I Walk With You -- Describe your soul mate.

My soul mate…wow, (Smiling Uncontrollably) I like thinking about love. I love the thought of love. My soul mate is on who that is emotionally stable, able to commit, sacrifice for the relationship, well-rounded, humorous, charismatic, responsible, respectful, concern for others, genuine, open-minded, sincere, honest, trustworthy, versatile (all aspects) understands and accepts me for who I am…and quiet.

The One -- Describe your jump-off

He’s my total opposite. He’s very manly. He comes from a different world…he’s definitely street wise, very hood…has a lot of drama going on but he knows how to attend to me and make me feel like I am the only one in his world. He goes through a lot and I understand him. He’s passionate, very caring, funny, thoughtful, arrogant, cocky, temperamental, abrasive even…but he’s loving…and warm. Genuine, and can eat boy pussy like a guppy eats algae in a fish tank.

Complicated Melody -- Describe Trent in 2 words

Caring & Intricate

Gratitude -- Pay It Forward ... Who set the table for you? And who are you setting the table for in return?

My mother and Grandmother definitely laid the groundwork for me. I am setting the table for my sister, the children at the camp this week, and the children I teach when I get my degree…

Good Man -- Name five people who hold the title of a 'good man' in your eyes

Curtis Rogers, Tuesday’s Husband-Because he treated Tuesday like a queen while she was here on earth and made sure she and their children had everything they needed to survive. Now that he’s a single father, the road ahead is difficult but he will still be that same man that he was when his wife was here.

My Uncle Mark-He has changed for the better. My family life is extremely complex, and just watching him go through obstacles and deal with some of the worst things in life I love watching him able to turn all of that around and be the man that he was sent here to be. I admire and love him for that.

Pierre Williams-My God-Father who died in 2003. He showed me so many things and what it’s like to be a man…and I appreciate him for that.

My Father…SR-He cared for me and loved me even though I never got a chance to experience that long enough to know what it was.

I can’t think of anyone else…I only wanted to name people that I know or have affected me personally.

God Is Real -- How real is God to you?

God is very real. When I think about my life and how far I’ve come…that was nothing but GOD that opened all of those doors and allowed me to become a beautiful person. I know GOD is real because all of my thoughts and prayers are always confirmed…that’s GOD.

6.24.2005

In The Mind Of Trent

For a few months now, I've been hearing this in my head...

i'm so famous
I made you drop it down on the one
i'm so famous
every body needs a little light under the sun
i'm so famous
15 minutes will never hold me in
i'm so famous
I'll never die I'll just be born again...
and again, and again...and again
i'm so famous
i'm way bigger than
sex...
than drugs...
than rock & roll...
i'm so famous
I took any half you had and made it whole
i'm so famous
I can make a death man hear
symphonies in his head...
i'm so famous
I'm the motion in your ocean
when you're sailin' in your bed
Even if you didn't know my name...
Like sugar on a candy cane
It's a memory you can't forget
Like the very first time you met me...
i'm so famous
yall skinny niggas changed
ya mind about the big boys club
i'm so famous
I took the place of your daddy when he left you alone
i'm so famous
make the sound of the scratch on yo CD
player make it feel like home
i'm so famous
Put the rythm in the shakin'
like yo old ass washin' machine
i'm so famous
put the pencil to the paper
and turn into a
literary queen
Even if you didn't know my name
Like sugar on a candy cane
It's a memory you can forget
Like the very first time you met me...
i'm so famous...

6.23.2005

Probe my brain, Fly on My Wall...

I decided not to go to the club last night. I mean I have a full week next week with my book tour starting and the Black version of L.A. pride...So I am going to have plenty of time to indulge in Long Island Iced Teas, Midori Sours, Cadillac Margaritas, and Pina Cololadas and mingle frivolously with boys, whose conversations will go nothing past their subtle I'm interested but I'm not overtones.

So I stayed home. Not because I am a pessimist, or I think I am never going to meet the man of my dreams in a club...
"Maybe we'll meet at a bar, he'll drive a funky car, maybe we'll meet at club and
fall so deeply in love, he'll tell me I'm the one and we'll have so much fun,
I'll be the boy of his dreams...maybe"
but more so because I wanted time to breathe and not become one with the dim lights and sexual overtones that perpetuate the club and the minds of homosexuals across fagville USA, like I have been in my previous weeks. I needed time to resume my schedule as my real self. Being at home. Being with my family and friends, being normal, a homebody. Not Trent Jackson, not a persona. But me. The real me: ?

I cooked Jambalaya, a fresh green salad with baby carrots, leaf lettuce, cutecumbers, green onions, croutons, a little bit of cheese, with my homemade vinaigrette dressing with a dash of raspberry to it, and my homemade garlic bread. I spent 5 hours cooking...All to put it away for lunch tomorrow. I'm crazy! I know...But here I am spending time with you...I guess thats all that really counts right...?


6.22.2005

Fred Smith And The Bare Necessities

I had such a wonderful time last night! Tuesday night with In The Meantime as they welcomed my friend, Fred Smith as he read and signed from his debut novel, "Down For Whatever," which officially released July 5th through Kensington Books! I am so proud of him!!! I am so very proud of him.

He read a few excerpts of the different characters, Keith, Rafael, Marco Antonio, and Tommie, who sounds like a mess! I must say...This book definitely sounds hot and I will have a full report of the book this coming Monday!

Fred is such a sweetheart! Truly. I will be signing and discussing my book, "At This Moment," with In The Meantime next month, so he introduced me and even told me to share his table with him to sell some of my books-how about that for love! Fred and I will be doing a lot of the same events this year. His Tour schedule is now up, and I will be announcing my "Defining My Moment," book tour official dates on July 1st through my website, WritingStar.

I love Fred...

If anything you should always travel with the bare necessities...Especially when dealing with your jump off or offs...Depending on your hoe status.

I was on my way to my jump offs house the other night and I realized that I didn't have my goodie bag with me. So I had to stop off at Walgreens for the emergency goodie bag prep kit. The 7 essential items (The Bare Necessities) that go into a bag or location of your liking (mine is a old tissue box that can slide right under my seats) to have easy access when getting ready to perform sexual activities.

1. Condoms! Not just any condoms you have to have variety. 5 types preferably 2 of each so your goodie bag can be well stocked. A well prepared person will have a goodie box for at least 3 months, and this is for someone who has a high sex drive, lets say 3-4 times a week. Make sure you have Lifestyles ultra lubricated (red wrapper) for all the penetrators on the blog, Flavored condoms (my personal favorites are strawberry and Vanilla...Although Trojan has this new mint twang...Which I'll soon try.) for all of the uncircumcised children or for the random encounter. I have history with my jump off so I don't go for the flavored do's all the time, but because I am into the whole facial thing it's really not in the interest of the warm sticky factor to try to pull of the condom during the whole suckalation process. Magnums for the trade, the ribbed condoms for the pleasure factor, and finally the oblong condom for the large oblong penis.

2. Baby Wipes. To wipe off the dick, boy coochie, hands, and face after a hot "session." Always use the baby wipes that aren't too moist, and don't leave a after smell. Walgreens has this nice little convenient pack for 1.00 that serves the purpose.

3. Mouth Wash. To wash out your damn mouth, especially if your an in the mouth type of person...I prefer Listerine, so I go past the little travel section and pick up the 99 cent bottle.

4. Kleenex. Just in case of something. Get puffs, because you can use these to dry your hands after the baby wipe residue if there is any...or just the after sex residue. I usually use them for the sweat on the forehead factor. Fat and sweat don't mix, especially sex sweat.

5. Hand Sanitizers-when the soap and the baby wipes don't do it. Always turn to the trusty hand sanitizer to leave you with that alcohol fresh scent clean feel you go for.

6. Water-I think this is the most useful tool in the goodie bag. See, you use the water to dilute the mouth wash, rinse your hands, swish around your mouth, quench your thirst, or to dab your face with...So useful.

7. Candy...Is simply a must. I prefer sour straws (the strawberry ones) to suck on to practice your next session or to even kill that silent hunger pain after you've worked off your lunch during a impromptu session.

Is your goodie bag in order?

I won't know you're here unless you tell me...

Tonight is the club and you know what happens at the club....And also, what is it like to be a fly on Trent Jackson's wall?

6.21.2005

What Yall Biatches been waiting 4!

And now the conclusion to my night out on the town with the boys after dark...

"Please tell me that you were going to tell one of us that you were HIV positive before he decided to touch your penis." I said in the driest tone.

"I was, but touching and feeling on my dick doesn't really give you HIV." He replied.

"Well just a second ago you were on some, I've had all STD's, so all it takes is one feel or touch to get herpes, scabies, or genital warts, so what's really the deal?" I asked him back.

Tre's face was blank. I just saved his life. Then all of a sudden he wanted to get uncomfortable with being in the situation that we equally took part in making...But I didn't go as far as to touching his dick. I was glad that he was honest, I was glad that he probably did have every intention on telling us his status if it came to that. He was cool about it.

"So do you know who you got it from?"

"Yeah." He said in the same tone that he carried all night, calm...

"So do you two still talk? Do you think he purposely gave it to you?"

"I think he did. We're cordial. That's as far as it goes." He replied.

"Do you feel at all cursed?" I asked him back.

"Yes and no sometimes, but it is what it is."

He answered every question that I had. I thought about what his life must have been like. Being black, being gay, and having HIV. What his life was like before HIV was apart of his life. I imagined him being fine, gorgeous, charming. Sticking his dick in everything that moved. The kinda of guy that wouldn't have made me feel less than because of my weight. He was one who enjoyed life-but soon learned what life was with a gray cloud over it. Could my life be like this? Would I change who I was (am) if I was HIV positive? How would people view me? What would I do? Would I kill myself? Who would I tell?

As silence bounced off the leather in my car, the moon lit the dark street, and eyes wide open with thought. The clocked moved and it was 4 a.m. The hour of the tricks, thieves, and crackheads.

"Can we be friends he asked me?"

"Sure...There is nothing wrong with that." I said.

He gave me his number and explained to me how lonely his life was. How he thought that I was a cool person...I haven't called him. I don't think I will.

The burden of life is sometimes heavier than explanation.

He'll remain a constant, vivid reality in my mind. Forever etched in a place where I'll often visit-reminding me always to think before I act.

Only 36 hours will tell what will happen after the club next time....

6.20.2005

Hi World, How You Doin'?

What a great weekend this was!! Hay yall! I hope you are are blessed! Not stressed! Had a good weekend and ready for this weeks dish....Including the ending to the story yall want the ending to.

But you know I had to welcome you this week right? I can't start off the week without luxuriating with you.

So I ran into Sy Smith this weekend! She's so humble and dope and I love her! And her hair is always changing. I love her. She's so engaging. YOU MUST CHECKOUT HER WEBSITE! I'm tellin' you...Sy smith is the lead vocalist on the opening theme to 'Soul Food' The Series. I've mentioned her before...

I also saw Joi this weekend on her second whirl wind tour of L.A.! It's funny how I always see Sy and Joi on the same weekend...I went shopping and spent way too much money at Tiffany, Nordstrom, Sacks, and a gang of booze and grub! And I even flirted with the shoe salesman at Nordstrom. Why was he gorgeous?

Anyway I did run into a few snags...for instance at Nordstrom. I spent like 400.00 on shoes. I had no idea that the people worked on commission...When I rolled up I was arguing with my phone carrier about adding some things to my plan that suited me better, like Free PCS to PCS and roaming included in my plan. I need international calling too especially when I do phone interviews in the UK or something.

Anywho...none of the negro people offered to help me when I was in the shoe department lusting over this boot and the rest of my purchase...anyway I pulled the black guy to the side who I thought was gorgeous since he was flirting anyway, and told him that I was upset because he didn't offer to help me. Then he had the nerve to tell me the reason why he didn't help me is because I was looking at "high end shoes and niggas don't usually buy those shoes, and you aren't dressed like the type."

Well...I laughed in my mind...see this is just why "niggas" can't do shit right...I dress bummy purposely when I am shopping for shit just to see how people are gonna treat me. Well now that he knows that I am into "High End" merchandise....he'll know to help me next time...for the record I didn't go off on him, there was no need to argue with the ignorant bastard.

I mean well thats it...it seems like I had something interesting to say...but. I guess thats it. I bought a new watch and a new ring at Tiffany...

Oh. I was on the phone will doing transactions with an unnamed blogger and I was telling him how much I need to get shacked up so I can go shopping for my boyfriend...shopping is so fun for couples. But anway...

I ask that you guys pray for a good friend of mine, Tara from ATL, her father passed on Friday-keep her in your prayers she's going through an extremely difficult ordeal.

I won't know you here unless you tell me.

Shotouts to: The Gaskin, Nikki (who just made editor-in-chief at the Digest) Douglas (hmmmm....), Timothy, and Nathan...who asked me 7 Questions!

Tomorrow the conclusion to the tale of the fateful trip...

6.17.2005

Part II: Drunken Tsunami Mist blinds us all

I am going to need it not to have been an earthquake Yesterday. What was that about? I had just woken up from my 5 a.m. "Session" with Ernesto & Company-so I wasn't too disturbed by the earth's movement...Then the president and the white people have "Kaliforneea" on this pseudo-Tsunami watch...Anyway, if it's your time to, it's your time. You can cheat on your mate, you can cheat on your taxes, but you can not and will not ever cheat death.

...So I look up and there is "L" glaring in my eyes as if he was my jealous lover who had been stalking me-and he finally had a moment to commit his crime of passion while everyone was watching. I was a little dumbfounded by his look, because I knew what he was thinking. He thought that Ernesto and I were an item, you see...When that is far from the truth. "L" always makes these big grandiose assumptions about me...And he thinks that I am a liar, when I have nothing to lie about.

For instance, he thinks I have a boyfriend. He doesn't understand why "Someone so attractive, funny and smart" is single. It's simple. Homosexuals aren't looking for someone funny and smart in the club, or in real life. I don't even think they look for that at all...

So he's there just staring. I didn't say anything to him. The killer is, we've never formally met. This is my first time seeing him in person...So I wasn't about to go up to him and be like hi it's me...He knew who I was. So I casually excused myself to the clubs breezeway to reduce my sweat drippery and to reduce the affect of the Midori Sours and Hypnotiq Martini intake.

The lights came up and Ernesto stood out in the breezeway to watch the children scatter like roaches. The inebriation enhanced everyone's ugliness, Ernesto and I were both laughing.

We made our movement to loiter out in the front of the location for as long as we could stand the mist from the Tsunami. Then my phone rang, it was "L"

"Turn around." He said. I walked across the street and he greeted me with a hug and a smile. Totally different from the asshole he came off to be on the phone. I didn't think he had any joy in his heart...But he was more queenish that what I expected and he had a little gay lisp...It was really entertaining. I haven't received a call from him yet...And that's fine too, because I am still trying to take in what happened later on that night...

Our moment was upstaged by Tre walking over full of Long Island Iced Tea's in some type of expedited flurry...Like he was embarrassed or he did something he shouldn't have, which is possible since he was "full"

"Do You have his number? He's Fine, get his number and lets go, these fags are killing me, I can't believe this is happening tonight!" Tre yelled out as he was clearly upset that I was disbursing my attention elsewhere.

"I do, and I had it for sometime now...And you're right I can't believe it's misting tonight. I don't want my perm to frizz up and everyone realizes that I have a texturizer and my hair isn't as natural and curly looking as everyone suspects" I added as I lightened the mood between "L," Ernesto, Tre and all of the passer-byers and hanger-on's. I shot "L" the look and gave him a hug and headed for the Rover.

Ernesto asked me what I was doing after the club. "Piss and Popeyes" I said. "Shout me" he yelled out. When I got in the car I was agitated because Tre is just so over the top when he's drunk and I don't think I can handle it anymore. Ernesto even called me today and we had a discussion about him and his stunts...Even the stunts he pulls when he's not drunk are questionable.

I didn't speak about it. But we pulled into Popeyes and I called Ernesto to see if he wanted anything, but as usual, at 3 a.m. the nextel offices are usually closed. He phoned minutes later and told me to meet him in Leimert Park....

For those of you who are unfamiliar with "Leimert Park" let me tell you. Historic, Political place of movement during the day...And crawling with unsuspecting Johns after dark. Every gay city, U.S.A. has one. You know the place where dudes go and fuck and suck after dark in vehicles and all of that.

But Leimert has more to offer than a midnight mission of head. You see dudes hanging out bumpin' the latest music hanging out chillin, the reefer heads, conversation and then me...sittin in the cut watching it all from the windows of the Rover.

Ernesto pulls up and I am savoring over the luscious Popeyes fried Chicken breast and the ambiance of the mist and the boys after dark. Tre is over in the passenger seat queenin out, making no sense, talking about how he fucked up the whole night and I should stop letting him get so drunk. Excuse me? What do I look like? I am not your brother and I am not your keeper. GOD gave you free will and self-control. If you don't know how to exercise that after our heart to heart chats then there is really nothing I can say or do, but not include you in future activities where alcohol is concerned.

Ernesto spends all of 10 minutes at the truck talking as he spots his boyfriend and they go and talk to some of his friends...Then as I am eating my chicken Tre rolls down the window and starts talkin to boy X.

Boy X, he's about 5'7" 135. Slim. Light Skin. Green eyes. Nice lips. Defined features. Even bald fade. Gives off 28 but he's definitely in his 30's.

"What you gettin' into tonight?" Tre motions.
"Nuttin' man, just checkin it out...seein' whats up?" Boy X responds.
"Coo, Coo..."
"Just came from my boy's house havin' cocktails and what not." Boy X says as he stoops lower grins, smiles and licks his lips at the driver of the Rover.

And I am thinkin to myself. Does he really think I am gonna fall for the pretty boy stunt-and did he just say cocktail? Thats a bottoms word. But I am sure he's versatile...

I smile and nod my head as I am taking my time chewing my chicken.

"Where Y'all comin' from the club?" Boy X asks as he is fixated on me, as I am looking straight up 43rd Street staring at the traffic on Crenshaw fly by as if they were on the damn freeway somewhere.

"Yeah and I am a little drunk and horny..." Tre spits out. Can he sound anymore desperate? He knew what he was doing and whatever he was thinking was not about to go down in the back of my car. There wont be any episodes in the back seat of my jeep.

"Oh word, what you and yo boy gettin into" Boy X asks.
"Nothing with you." Trent said.
"Like that, it could be all about you, baby boy." He replied.
"What are you a pimp, I doubt that I am your type and besides why are you walking around here at 3 a.m.?"
"Well. I am on my way home." Boy X said calmly.
"Where is home?" The nasty drunk versatile top asked with a slur.
"Watts." Boy X asked as he continued to size me up.
"You can stop looking at me like that. I just ate the chicken." I said.

He laughed. "Where do I know you from?" Boy X asked.
"I have no clue..." I replied blandly.
"Yeah, aren't you....I can't call it...But I know you."
"Well, if you knew me, or of me, whichever, you'd know who I am." I said in my mega bitch tone.

And out of no where, here comes Tre, "I bet you have a big dick." He smiles.
"Yeah I bet it is thick, not long" I added.
"How can you be so sure?" Boy X asked?
"I am pretty good with measurements." I said.
"I wanna touch it" Tre said.
"Can I get in, its kinda cold and wet out here?" Boy X asked.
"I could change that, it's warm and moist where I am sittin'" The drunk bitch added.

And I rolled my eyes and locked my doors. I was so disgusted by the both of them, my inebriated Tsunami haze was gone, like 5 minutes ago. But I unlocked the doors for I was about to have some fun.

He got in and got comfortable real quick. Sitting in the middle of the backseat having equal access to the either of us. I pivoted my body so I could see him and Tre both. He looks at me and I am bumping my I-pod to E.Badu..."Back In The Day....Puff" then all of a sudden Tre turns around and puts his hands all on Boy X's crouch and starts to fill around.

"Hol up...Can you not do that in my vehicle please. There is always bushes or your car for that." I shot...And immediately Tre stopped. Then I turned into Wendy Williams/Biatch on both of their asses and got to the bottom of this. Truth be told. Boy X was cute. And he was so fine I thought I was looking at a short version of Boris Kodjoe for a minute. So to cut to the and see if I could turn a hoe into a housewife the questioning began.

"So how old are you?" I asked.
"33" Boy X responded.
"Cute. You give 28...But I knew you were around there."
"Thank you, you're a character you know that. Actually you both are..."
"Thank You I appreciate that....So why don't you have a car?"
"Because, I don't." Boy X said calmly.

Tre interrupted me with his snoring. He was drunk, he touched some dick, and went to sleep. He's tacky, and this close to being scratched off my roster...

"Damn he's out..."Boy X said.
"Clearly, so how many times have you been to jail. 3 times. Do you do this to everyone."
"Yes, I like gardening. You know rooting out the weeds, and the crabgrass..."

He started to laugh and I was serious as the sky at night.

"So when did you go to jail and what did you go for?"
"I got out in January for assault with a deadly weapon." He said quietly.

I was amazed by his honesty and he was embarrassed for the situation. Not that I look at people differently for their lives and experiences for I know black men are victims of situations and circumstances so they get the benefit of the doubt. I do have a problem howeer with repetitive behavior and dishonesty.

"Did you have sex while you were in jail?" I asked him
"Yes." Boy X responded as he looked me dead in my eye of sincerity.
"Did they pass out condoms in there?" I asked.
"Yes once a week, and I am versatile, because I knew that was your next question..." He added.

I laughed, he broke me down. I see that he's somehow cosmically a fan of my blog or am I just that predictable?

"So have you had an STD?" I asked.
"Yes..." He replied.
"Which ones?" I shot back.
"All of them."

A hush fell over my car as Tre shot up out of his sleep, I blinked my eyes, and for a moment in time the mist outside moved slow and everything in my world stopped.

"I'm Hiv positive..."

6.16.2005

Me And My Boys (Girls) Are Goin Out Tonite....Part I

Alright Miss. Faith Evans for that title. So Wednesday nights out at Club Here have become apart of my Trent Jackson-esque repertoire. But the last few Wednesdays have been stale to say the least, like the time I met the married man and Reesey ran into that presumed heterosexual grinding up on some brick faced Mexican boy...

Anywho. We get there. The overpacked club, the mist from the temporary Tsunami warning wet our faces and frazzled my brain as I didn't want my perm to get wet and friz on a bitch...It was a fun night. Enroute to the location, I called my best friend Ernesto on my new cell phone and he already happened to be there. So Tre and I Rovered over to the location to meet up with the other homosexuals.

I was looking halfway cute. But thats when I seem to get the most attention-seeing that I did meet my internet fling...we'll get to that later...

So me Tre, Ernesto and his beat Friend Erica found an intimate spot with our cocktails so we could perch up and look pushed while we discussed all of the actions of the fairies prancing around as if they were in some type of Broadway production...

I don't like going out with Tre, because he can't hold his liquor. One Long Island Ice Tea will have the bitch on tilt, when I can carry three and be not 1/10 of where he is after one. He's ready to strip and find the first boy to give him some. I feel bad for him in a sense. He's not ugly he just doesn't have the personality that I do when I become social. I ask the right questions, I say the right things, I show my wit, I bat my eyes and do all of the girly things homosexuals do when they try to get a number... and then he always wants to complain if a boy gives me his number. I keep trying to tell him it's all a damn game...I also tell him "I may get the number, but will I keep his attention...?"

So we're bent right? And me and Ernesto find a spot on the overcrowded dance floor so I can grind my ass all on his dick while "Gotta Getch Good" was the backdrop for my well practiced big boy strip routine.

I had my ass up real high, almost to the point where I had my ankles on the floor. I came up and turn around to rub up on him dick on dick, when I look over his shoulder, and there is my internet fling, "L"

...to be continued tomorrow when I am not as drunk and sleepy....

6.15.2005

6 Pack Of Budweiser & A Pack Of Pork Skins

...Is what the white man had in front of me as I stood in line to buy my lottery ticket at 7-11 tonight. As I stood there hoping I had all the right numbers for tomorrows pick, I thought about what I would do with the money...

I thought about how I wouldn't change a bit. I don't even think I would tell anyone about it. I'd continue my life writing, putting forth my unification of myself and my community, and help other artists put out their work. I would buy a house and pay off my college loans...chill out for a bit.

I am feeling a sense of relief! And finally. I took a two month hiatus from my book tour to get myself together personally and plot. Now that my calendar is somewhat coming together I am excited. I finally got confirmed for 5 events and awaiting a few more before I announce my official calendar...of course things change. But I am also gearing up for my second release in March. I am glad that I finally got these media packets, book orders, and all these other mailings out of the way...Temporary stress is a muthafatha...

So I was going to be hella mad if Michael didn't get off. Woody Allen fucked his underaged daughter and didn't nobody say nothin to his ugly ass. The dead Pope and his entourage molested all them boys in the confession box didn't nobody yank those bent back bitches into court...so as far as I am concerned if Michael wanted or wants to serve Jesus Juice (which I think is bogus) to underage boys and look at Playboy magazines so be it! Fuck a white bitch tryin' to pimp her kids for lira-where is social services for her ass? BIATCH.

Granted Michael is off the rocker but....child molester, next...

I see I got some mixed reactions on my last post...oh well. You can't please everyone, but then again there is Oprah and Ellen...

So I am working on it. I am still Trent. I have the same issues as everyone else. "I'm just another Black man caught up in the mix, tryin' to make a dolla outta fifteen cents..."

Thank You for listening...
I love what I do for you...
I won't know you're here unless you tell me...
Oh Yeah....Nathan Asked me "Seven Questions..."

Trent.
Tomorrow: Friends and Balance....

6.14.2005

Standing Together For The 'Common' Good

I first want to say that if I do offend you, that is not my intent. You may get upset with me because I publicly choose to address this particular issue. I choose to use this medium as a way to get unbiased, neutral feedback from parties that are in no way, shape or form, remotely involved in this particular instance. Maybe this will shed light on this situation that I am presenting here today and we can all come to an agreement or resolution. Reader discretion is advised.

Maybe I am naieve. Maybe it's just in my nature to want to have unity, to be a humanitarian, to engage in positive, collective, unions. I want to share my life, my creativity with the world. I want to be able to talk to people, to give them inspiration, hope. I want people to know that no matter what the circumstance, no matter want people tell them, no matter what they think-they can make it. I want to be the positive influnce, roll model even, to that young Black man growing up. I want him to know he doesn't have to be a rapper, or run a ball up and down the court. It's okay for him to read, it's okay for him to think outside the box, it's okay not to walk up and down the street and sag, blast Jay-Z and call women bitches...he doesn't have to do that. I want to be the inspiration to the overweight kid in the school yard that all of the other kids make fun of because he's not like them. I was that kid...it's okay to be you. We have to inspire our men, our youth to be more than what MTV, BET, Rap Lyrics, and their neighborhoods feed them...It's not that hard to do...we're so quick to run out and lace up our Air Force 1's but we should all be like Nike and "Just Do It."

I envisioned (and was excited envisioning) this collective effort of Black, Gay/Men writers together on this ticket...

I thought it was a good idea, since I don't think it's been done before, but more so it would send a positive message to a community thats already divided. I think as Black Gay Men, we tear each other down so much it becomes almost damn near impossible to interact on a social level damn near a business level. It seems the only time we can come together is when we're fuckin or at a club, and I don't think we can get anymore destructive than that.

When I sent out the memo...a few liked the idea....Let me tell you my purpose(s) for the proposed event.

My premis is boiled down to about 5 points...

1. Killing multiple birds in one stone. We have some of the same fan base, so why not, if anything to build momentum with our books, make our fans happy, build a larger fan base and do events together?

2. Let's make a statment! What were doing now as writers, speakers and artists is the same thing that Langston Hughes & James Baldwin did in their day...we are the future. We are the new Baldwin's, E. Lynn Harrises-so why not stick together for the common interest, the unification of our minority and to set the example of young the young Black men who are going to be at our book signings, listening to us speak, reading our books, supporting us, and ultimately looking at us as an examples as we did those who came before us. If we don't do a collective effort we'll be propetuating the cycle, hence adding to the further deterotation of our communities and the generation to follow.

3. Fuck the money! We are only a success if we reach people and changes lives. We have to eat too, but good karma comes back...the blessings of unification and inspiring others has no price tag. We're already a sucess we're published!

4. Lets Support Each Other! We as the future voices have to support each other...period.

5. Let's Make A change about the way we think and feel about each other. Lets start to really value each other for our difference and accept one another for our personalities, for the things we have to bring to the table not for what we lack. We should be pumping, inspiring and feeding off of our creative energies, our positive and constructive feedback...not venom and being shady when someone is trying to get us together for the common good.

It really disturbs me that we can't come together on issues. But I know in my heart if I am so passionate about the good of the world someone else has to share my same feeling...

Will my vision happen? I hope so. I would like to see that happen. I would hate to see one of us get an opportunity bigger than us and waste it being selfish...we are such a talented group of people and we shouldn't split because of envy or selfishness...we have gifts that must to be used collectively before it's too late. We have already proved that we can stand on our own two feet, thats the easy part.

I want to see this happen. And I know others would like to see it as well. So if you're in agreement hit me up.

6.13.2005

Celebration Bitches! I've got 5K hits!

"To yall haters, I pay ya no mind! In fact I'm gonna give it to you one more time like..."

"Celebration Bitches! I'm one of the baddest bloggers of all times. I'm one of the sexiest muthafuckas around, I'M TRENT JACKSON BIATCH!!!"

Happy Monday! I hope your weekend was just as fabulous as mine. But first, getting down to things, didn't we all just enjoy the DIVO! He is the muthafuckin' shiznit! I love the perspective and the difference he brings to the table...he's cool. He's one on my list that I want to meet

So My '6th Annual Summer Cool Down Barbecue' was this weekend. Shot out to Mistagaskin of the Blogdom for shouting me a holler in my back yard, although his E-vite failed to reach his destination box...it was very impromptu although I was glad to see his sexy self. There were so many undertones going on in my back yard I don't think I could handle it...especially when one of Douglas' friends tried to get loud with me. I'll keep my comments to myself, I don't need any angry fags comin' to the house gettin loud since I have so many silent visitors (including Grandma and some other bitch saying she want's to breast feed me, I know it's that bitch I let have before...) I am not too particular on queenin' out either...

I was tryin to explain to people that I am so different from what you all get...so it's usually a shocker for people to see me in my natural element, quiet, just watching, listening, smiling...occasionally getting loud and outspoken, as I told these people I don't like, understand, or use the word DISCRETION.

But I still had fun! Although Douglas did try to jade me on my beans...they were good cause I don't have anymore left! How about that. Douglas tried to let me have it on a lot of things, including my book-which I really don't care, because I sold 4,000 so hmm....either those people are liars or you're not the person I thought you were...LOL

Back to my thought. I am having the worst time putting together my book tour. My calendar went from 20 dates to 12, and as far as me hooking up with other writers don't bank on that either. It seems as everyone is out for themselves and really have no intention on working together on anything in the near future...everyone is acting like their names are 'Dr. Bad Vibes' which is cool too....I think I will openly express my feelings on that tomorrow.

Well as you can tell, I've received my mark of 5,000 hits! GO TRENT! this is just one of my milestones on my blog, lets shoot for 10k by the end of my book tour! I'm just really grateful of the people that read this blog, support my artistry, listen to me rant and rave, it means the world to me! And I truly hope to meet all of you one day and personally thank you so you can see the sincerity in my eyes and feel the genuineness in my heart.

Well....coming down from my weekend, got a little drunk. I'm tired of being single, actually I hate being single at this stage in my life...the selection on men in Los Angeles are bogus...thats Wednesday's blog. I am tired of people I guess...thats Thursdays blog...anyway, LOL. Am I rambling or what. But I have a few things to address this week.

And Finally...it's official Beyonce and the backedup hoes are no longer! Well...we knew it was coming, she was groomed to be the star, just like Omarion was groomed to be solo too...oh well. I am not gonna loose my breath.

Thank you always to: Tara (and yo brother...), Valentino (for the loops that you and I shoot through), Rashek (for listening), Larry (for helping me with that the otha day..), Frederico (for tips and links) and to you, the listener, the reader, the supporter, I thank you.

I love what I do for you...
I won't know you're here unless you tell me...

Trent

6.09.2005

Trent, Gibberish & Jargon

Damn a bitch get all philosophical and deep with it, yall hoes come out the wood works and give me props...What is that about? I sit up and run my mouth like a Fag, yall treat me just as such. What tha Fuck?

"How You Doin'?" But in all honesty I sincerely and genuinely thank you so much for all of the love and support you've given me this week. I appreciate it. I talked about things that I have in my mind because I am just like everyone else. I go through the same things everyone else does. Death, rejection, coming into your own...We're all affected by the same universal shit. I remember what it was like to go through those things and the only way I am truly able to get over those particular difficult moments is to talk about them and help others through their trying times. I am honored to have helped and or touched those with my thoughts this week...And to all of those who email me on the side, your comments mean so much...I never knew that I could have this great of an affect on you...So I am glad to be in the position.

KEVIN C, A supporter of mine from ATL. EMAIL ME PLEASE. Anyone know how to track him, send him to my email box justasktrent@writingstar.com, thanks.

So yes, looks like Marques Houston has been offered 1 Million dollars to really get Naked for PlayGirl. Not a publicity stunt, it's serious. He needs to go ahead and show us his dick so the fags can lay out and faint and give each other bottom hi-5's and play with our boy coochies at night and imagine he is in the darkest crevices of our holes...But I am content masturbating to Frank over Marques. Would love to have it, but... Well, see Marques is more readily accessible, he stays within a 2 miles radius of my house...

And who is this Trey Songz boy? Do I have a slight crush on him? Arch his eyebrows and he can walk Face or Realness or whatever it's called. Frank what do you think?

I was going to talk about my Suicide tale but I decided to lighten up the tone this week, enough seriousness has been going on. But it will be effective in it's time...I think a lot of people consider the act, and only a few go through with the attempt, how many make it out alive? I have something to say.

Friday's Finale is with DIVO! OMG....All I have to say is be here tomorrow to read the exclusive because we had a good chat! And I love and respect his gangsta (As No4Real would Say) and he is like so bomb to me! WOW, WOW, WOW....

There are a lot of people going through different things. Today, tonight, whenever, lets be mindful of our blessings, pray for those who necessarily don't see the same light we see, ask for continual strength-and lets ask for understanding.

Wherever you are. Whatever you're going through. Know there is a way out. It's not the end. You may not see it. Just trust and know you go through everything for a reason...Take it from someone who knows.

I won't know you're here unless you tell me.

Thank You to DIVO for speaking, the moment will be bigger than you and I. Valentino-Of-Ct, you need to be my partner in Crime...You are so you know what (lol, Gayle's Kidz), ShawnTQ-taste Like Chicken? Tara-Vivid Images of A----! (lol) And to (The Anonymous Blogger) There will be times that you will be dark, deep, down and out. It's okay. But the beauty of clarity is seeing your blessings, your accomplishments, and what GOD has done for you and what he will do for you. It's okay to have flaws and not have it all together...The longer you pretend the unhappier and the more repetitive your mental anguish will be. You can run from yourself for only so long....

Until next time,

I love what I do for you.

Trent J

6.08.2005

My Blessings

You, are a manifestation of my gift, and I thank you for being a reflection, a source of strength, support and understanding. Everyone that reads this blog and is a fan of my book and my work, you mean the world to me! I love the fact that you love what I do!

I've always dreamed on having my own column in a paper, where I can run my mouth about whatever I felt like. Now that I have that with this blog, my books, I want to thank you, one of the 4,000+ people that have visited my space and commented positively on what I had to say.

I've always wanted to be and will be the example that people can look at. I am normal. I have issues just like everyone else. I am real with mine and I am not afraid to lay the shit out on the table and tell it like it is...But with determination, focus, drive, will, ambition, and strength you can accomplish anything you can put your mind to.

Three years ago when I started to pen At This Moment, my mother was very ill, almost died, and gave birth to my sister and I had just come out of a deep depression.

For almost all my life I was insecure. I was 20 and I was still hearing people saying negative things to me in my head over and over again. How I was ugly, stupid, fat, how I wouldn't be anything...While I was at Southern, I got over the things that happened in the past.

One night I asked God to give me the strength to get over whatever it was that was making me feel negative about myself. I told him that I wanted to be a writer and share my story with the world. I asked him to put the right people in my life and give me the skills and the insight to become a better person and to put me at a level where I could be used.

A week later there was an advertisement in the school paper. It was looking for writers for the school paper. I applied. The new editor Brandi Jade Thomas interviewed me. She was nice, very personable, very humble and cool. I got the position...I was so happy because Brandi was the first person that God alined me with to help me become the person that I asked (he wanted) to be. She and I are good friends to this day.

Anyway, when I got back to L.A. was dating this guy who is now a popular singer that I went to High School with. Bad relationship, it was like a reversal of everything I got over...So I wrote. I then asked God to lead me the right way...I wanted to publish this book. I went to the book store to buy my dosage of Sister 2 Sister Magazine, Ebony, and Vibe...and on the table there was this book, "How to Publish, Promote and Sell Your Own Book." I picked it up, spent my last 14.00 and actually overdrew my account to get this book. Long story short 33,000 dollars spent, 3,000+ books sold, and 2,559.00 in debt, I have my book.

The moral to the tale, no matter what you are going through mentally, physically, emotionally, there is a way out. You have to want the way out. You can do anything you put your mind to! People will hate, discourage, cock block, and do everything in their power to try to stop you from your shine! (Including Yo Momma an nem cause mine did too...) Press Forth! My motto is "If it's to be, it's up to me!" Use it! Don't be afraid to fail! You'll never what the outcome will be...Leave the past in the past! It's old! And only the past is used to stop the good you're doing in the present...And have faith in yourself!

Tomorrow...Suicide 101. And Marques Houston Posing For Playgirl!

6.07.2005

Every Day Is Tuesday...

Sometimes I'd like to think that I've been through he most difficult times in my life. But then I think about how people say that God never gives you anything that you can't bear. If this is true, which I know in my heart it is. I haven't seen shit yet. I've always been one to never buckle under pressure. I pride myself on it. I'm strong...But for some reason I let little things bother me, and I take the big things and can handle them extremely well.

The first time I've dealt with death was when my father died, June 19, 1988. I was six years old. He was murdered. Until recently I just saw how I dealt with that...I ate. But when you're six years old, what else do you do? That next summer, I was molested for a year straight by my next-door neighbor...That's when I started to write. When I was 13, or what I refer to has a date, January 29, 1996, my grandmother was murdered, by my cousin. That's another blog within it self. But I've dealt with a lot young...Which I guess is some of the reason for my maturity...

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 started out as the best day of my young career. One of my dreams would soon come true. I received a call from Hue-man Bookstore in Harlem, New York offering its support of my book and confirming a book signing that spring. In addition, I scheduled a meeting with a major printing house that wants to offer me a contract and I was booked on a network TV show. Ecstatic that my hard work was paying off, I began planning my book party!

This fulfilled day was affirmation that I am on my way. However, later that evening my aunt called. She asked to speak to my mom. It was around 7 p.m. I went into the living room to watch the Real World, just to see what Karamo was doing. Half way into it, something came over me that completely diverted my attention. I shut off the TV and I immediately started to pray.

I knew something wasn't right. I arose and went into my mother's room to find her crying. My instinct told me something was wrong, before I even knew what it was. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "You're not ready for what I am about to say." She told me to sit down. I persisted in questioning her, demanding an answer; however she wouldn't reply. The finally she said, "Tuesday." My world had stopped. I've experienced losing a family member before, but this time it was different.

Tuesday was my Sister. She was my favorite family member. Tuesday was the most gentle, humble, angelic, happy, strongest person I had ever met. I was her son before she had kids. She was the biggest supporter of my creative drive. She always inspired me to be who I was and always told me to do me. She always told me not to let anyone stop me from achieving my dreams. She inspired me to press forth, no matter what anyone else said. How could this happen on such a perfect day? Why did it have to be one of the closest people to me? She was the person that I could talk to and she always knew where I was coming from. Tuesday was the person who I could call and gossip with about all the family drama and she wouldn't tell anyone! Why would this happen on a Tuesday, her name? I thought, who was I going to call now? What about her husband and three kids?

It didn't hit me until I went into my room and looked at the photos of her children in a frame on my oak bookshelf. I didn't cry until I saw a picture of her and my uncle DuWayne together at my Jr. High School graduation. I didn't sob until I thought about the times she always talked me through what I thought were the roughest times in my life. I didn't yell and shout out my hurt until I thought about how much she loved reading my newspaper articles when I was in college; she was one of the few people in my family to exert genuine happiness in reading my work. She always wanted me to pursue my dreams because she chose her family instead. I was a mess. I cried so hard. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I just laid on the floor in my closet with the door closed and fell asleep. I woke up the next morning unable to open my eyes because they had swollen from my night of crying. It took a warm towel to relieve the puffiness. My first best friend was gone. Let me tell you, when it rains, it pours!

The funeral was that Saturday and we flew to Utah. I got back home and tried to regroup, but Tuesday was visiting me in my dreams every night. I still had a day job, so getting to work on time began to be a problem. On top of Tuesday's death, I was also dealing with another family revelation, dealing with vendors and my book, keeping my finances right my life began to take its toll on me. I had one of those jobs where if you are late six times you're fired and a bereavement policy is nonexistent. Needless to say, I got fired, but got my job back, only to get fired again.

I am grateful for my Tuesday. I have nothing but good memories of her. Although I haven't fully grasped and accepted the fact she is not physically here anymore, she is here. She is here every time I write, she is here every time I think, I look at her picture, I think of her lessons. She is here in my heart. I remember we talked about her disease, Sickle Cell Anemia. I know how she wanted to put together a documentary. So I've started that project along with the "Every Day is Tuesday" Scholarship foundation, that I'll be launching this fall. It will benefit High School Seniors-College Seniors with Tuition & Book Scholarships...I have to do it because this is one of the things Tuesday wanted to do.

I am grateful for my life, every second of it. Through all of the drama, hurt, and pain, I have become the strong person that I am today. I am living proof that you can go through the storm and come out like the phoenix. On the brink of success, your faith, strength, adaptability, and courage is put to the test. God never ever gives us anything we can't bear. I will survive this storm and all the ones ahead...GOD, thank you for loaning Tuesday to me for 34 years...I truly appreciate your gift, and your blessing!

6.06.2005

HAAAAAAYYYY! (Girl!)

And we still friends, girl!

So My Grandma reads my Blog...? Just how much have you been readin' G-Moms?

Why was last night the craziest night ever? So My friend Tre, came and got me at around 10ish...We went to Roscoes on Pico, had a blast, etc...Long story short between my meeting with Chicken & Waffles, daring a man to show me his dick in the mystery machine, and flirting with boys in the park after hours I lost my muthafuckin house keys-which meant I had to stop @ mommas, knock on her window at 4 a.m., alarm her with the glock on cock, and have her interrogate me like I was peepin' through Michael Jacksons window while he was administering Jesus Juice to the small children. I haven't found the keys, It's 4:05 and I am callin' Roscoes when I arise...Damn, whassup with me? Am I loosing it? Or have I just realize I lost it a long time ago?

Happy Monday! So Friday's Finale? I am startin' to think if he's really SmilingOnThaDL or is his face bent up in a frown? He clearly doesn't like me, especially after all those "Terrorist Threats!" The last time I checked, kickin' my ass was a felony! Doesn't look good on your record congress! Anyhoo, no shade on this side of the tree-I'm not for everyone!

So I spent Three hours lookin' for my wallet/checkbook, before my mishap with my keys. I knew I brought it home from my grocery store trip...I am getting prepped for my Barbecue this weekend so I had to, you know, and all of that. So I finally found it in my corporate planner...Anyway...The shit drove me fuckin' crazy!

For the past few months I've been going through a lot personally-with the loss of my sister, getting fired from my day job, etc...all that is finally over and I am looking forward to the new moves that are going to be happening over the next few months.

So I guess Sunday is the new day for the blogdom to blog? Well I'll be sticking to my M-F shift so...And I don't know why people are sending me emails wanting me to interview them. Damn are my interviews that interesting? Or do you just want to talk to me? I can't promise any interviews this week, but I must admit that I am intrigued by Merv (He has crazy stories, I don't know if I can be->LIE<-ve all of them) and DIVO. Those are my next two targets...and then there's Nathan...he's a nice guy, and excuse me for not getting to that sidebar in a timely manner.

So who knows what the week holds? I'm looking to retain a new attorney, I've been doing photo shoots, I have court later on today, and then again on Friday, um...and I'm still Single, Sexy & Selibate...Like Merv said "He's a Theater Production without the 30 dollar ticket!" How about that for a tag line?

Thank You For reading! I love telling! My Blogdom I love you! All those who bought my book over the weekend because of my blog tales, I thank you book 2 is in the works (and so is an update to WritingStar) As Always, Tara, Frank, Fred, Shawn-Taquan, thank you for having my back and supporting my crazy ass!

I won't know you're here unless you tell me!

I love what I do for you,

Trent J

6.03.2005

FRIDAY FINALE!!! SHHH! On Tha DL!

I was hesitant, and rightfully so. Only a select few have privy to his presence physically, but we’ve all been in his most inner thoughts. For the past year he’s graced us with his trials and dilemma of his sexuality. He’s politically inclined. Opinionated and he’s serenaded us all with his real-life jargon about his experience of Smiling on the DL.

He’s enterprising, argumentative, confrontational, irritable, prone to rashness and premature movements…he’s generous, kind, somewhat cooperative…but to me he’s a contradiction and he knows how to press my buttons.

There isn’t any doubt in my mind that he’s smart, and has great potential and even one of the few to have power over the masses. Something like Frank, Larry, and myself…he even dropped a few bombs on me…like he's apart of the thick boy crew...see who's behind the screen! Secrets, Secrets, Secrets, and not like Vicky or Toni Braxton.

He has a few good things to say, but I I think one of the reasons why he agreed to interview with me is because his intent was to try to damage me…you’ll see what I am talking about.

Here he is…(yawn) Smiling On The DL

Trent: What church do you go to?

Smiling On Tha DL: LOL

Trent: never heard of it

Smiling On Tha DL: uh huh

Trent: do you go to a prominent black church in New York?

Smiling On Tha DL: yes, I go to a prominent black church

Trent: gotcha. So. I did want to have chicken sandwich ready for you with no mayo, but well do it later....

Smiling On Tha DL: sounds great... hmmmm…. you remember the no mayo

Trent: yes...I wanted to touch your heart

Smiling On Tha DL: that's wassup

Trent: so how old are you?

Smiling On Tha DL: 24

Trent: do you have kids

Smiling On Tha DL: no kids, yet

Trent: you live alone

Smiling On Tha DL: yes, been living on my own since last Sept

Trent: that’s cute, you know I have beef with you right?

Smiling On Tha DL: and why is that?

Trent: How dare you bite my top 10 list. You aren't even a bad facsimile of me-you didn't even have pictures on yours. If you're gonna do Trent, do it right!

Smiling On Tha DL: LMAO, that was my top ten celeb that make me smile, my post had better men

Trent: OH NO IT DIDN’T, you had all them damn dykes on there. You must be professing your membership to the bottoms club...

Smiling On Tha DL: and what made them bottoms?

Trent: you missed it.

Smiling On Tha DL: yeah, I did, lol.

Trent: So I read one of your posts, and it said one thing you needed was s true friend...do you have one?

Smiling On Tha DL: I have many actually

Trent: is No4Real4Real one of them?

Smiling On Tha DL: No4Real4Real is a very close friend of mine...that's been there for me when I just started to feel like I really was attracted to men

Trent: which was in 2002?

Smiling On Tha DL: nah, summer of 2001

Trent: okay...I think you've been blogging the longest out of my little blogdom here...and you're at like 7,000+ hits...do you think that you set any blog trends?

Smiling On Tha DL: well, I have been posting for a minute... Throughout my blog, I have exposed a lot of personal feelings, which aren't always express to someone I know. Allowing my readers (blogger friends) to know its ok, to release some of their emotions in a post. After reading some of my earlier stuff, someone may think I was suicidal, because of so much depressing emotion

Trent: yes. So being gay is a battle for you?

Smiling On Tha DL: Definitely, a battle that comes and goes. Although, recently I've been winning most of those battles.

Trent: In one of your initial posts you said that "reading the works of Boykin has helped me on this journey" tell me some more about that

Smiling On Tha DL: Well, Keith had big political ambitions at a young age, like myself... he was active in many organizations... His ambition and being gay drove him nuts about what he was to do next... and that's what I go through

Trent: Yes...you are very political and I commend you for that...tell me about your goals politically

Smiling On Tha DL: Well, I said I wasn't going to divulge that information because I'm so damn paranoid…but I want to become President of a historical National Non-Profit Organization geared at helping the needs of the Urban Community. As well as run for a congressional seat.

Trent: why are u paranoid?

Smiling On Tha DL: My fear of not being accepted by those who respect me

Trent: which is normal...do you think you'll get to a point in which you'll be like fuck them and be who you are?

Smiling On Tha DL: I have always been one of those men that you will meet and say, "He's going so succeed in many things." And if sexuality is exposed things may change, that was part of the last answer.

Trent: see now you're making me feel stupid....

Smiling On Tha DL: nah….Eventually, after I become more established and older I hoped to fuck em’ and be who I am... but in many ways I’m doing it already. I live my life. I am a private person. I am comfortable with going to g-life clubs, house parties…and starting to give OUTed members my real name. I'm on my way!

Smiling On Tha DL: I never was like this before

Trent: OKAY...so why don't you want to tell me who you are

Smiling On Tha DL: Because I'm not there. The place where I want to be…completely comfortable with who knows about my lifestyle

Trent: you're too contradicting. We'll talk about this particular issue in 6 months okay? Is your penis big?

Smiling On Tha DL: LOL, wouldn't you like to know?

Trent: I think it's small.

Smiling On Tha DL: I think yours is extra small....

Trent: I'll send you a copy, along with my book

Smiling On Tha DL: I bet you won't

Trent: and an autographed photo, better yet, I'll be in NYC in 10 days, you and I can have a session.

Smiling On Tha DL: Nah, I’m ok...

Trent: the nerve of you, you probably don’t like fat people!

Smiling On Tha DL: Oh boy, have you read my entire blog?

Trent: yeah, actually I have and I know that you and I have a lot in common among other things...

Smiling On Tha DL: well, I lost 56lbs last year, I’m not going to get into how I look.

Trent: I already know.

Smiling On Tha DL: but, that was a huge battle that I've over come and still am, the battle with my weight.

Trent: express yoursel...

Smiling On Tha DL: so, I couldn't say I don't like fat people.

Trent: You know you're very defensive....

Smiling On Tha DL: I'm just answering your questions.

Trent: I don’t think so.

Smiling On Tha DL: Take it like you want.

Trent: It's very interesting following your experience going to clubs, you should publish that beyond the blogdom-that could help a lot of young men....

Smiling On Tha DL: what experience are you talking about?

Trent: just I was reading your blog earlier from like may last year and you were talking about different things that were going on in clubs...

Smiling On Tha DL: Well, gay clubs aren't the greatest place if you don't like yourself.

Trent: yes

Smiling On Tha DL: When the weather is right, and your body isn't tight… then you want to go home. After I lost the weight, I started to enjoy myself much better

Trent: but I think they also build your self confidence and you can learn a lot about who you are and what you want...and you make the decision about how you want to treat people

Smiling On Tha DL: I felt good about myself

Trent: did you loose weight to fit in better?

Smiling On Tha DL: I lost weight, so I could look in the mirror and say, I love you. No joke. I avoided the mirror for a minute and I wasn't even that big. It was me feeling FAT.

Trent: really? My feeling of being fat lasted all of a week

Smiling On Tha DL: YES, good for you... I think most gay black men that are big boned… suffer from some type of depression

Trent: yes we do, I am FAT! Fuck those code words for being fat.

Smiling On Tha DL: I'm a former member of the fat world. And I will never deny that.

Trent: If and when I get skinny I am going to always be a member of the 40+ club

Smiling On Tha DL: I will never want to be skinny

Trent: skinny bitches are evil, like Valentino

Smiling On Tha DL: I'm a 34in waist… and some folks think that is fat... but really it isn't

Trent: you deceptive little shit, you’re skinny! THIS IS OVER

Smiling On Tha DL: That is not skinny, I'm still trying to get a little smaller

Trent: you made me vulnerable thinking you were apart of the crew! Get out of here

Smiling On Tha DL: I am not skinny, I’m regular, LOLOL

Trent: how tall are you

Smiling On Tha DL: 5'7

Trent: how much you weigh

Smiling On Tha DL: LOL, none of your business

Trent: you in the 2's

Smiling On Tha DL: all up in my business, no. Been there done that

Trent: that’s my gig baby, you knew what you were getting into when you signed up…Well if you're so confident tell me how much you weigh.

Smiling On Tha DL: don't forget I’m the one that called you the Gay Wendy Williams. I never said I was confident. I'm still battle with feeling fat... although I’m 56lbs smaller

Trent: well you certainly come across that way.

Smiling On Tha DL: it ain't like that

Trent: well now that I know…Do you cry a lot?

Smiling On Tha DL: LOL. I don't cry a lot... well some may say a lot… but, I’m very in touch with my emotions... I need a good cry though

Trent: well I am only asking you because to me you're always talking about shedding tears like they're your clothes during sex on the blog…

Smiling On Tha DL: well, a lot of my earlier post was sad... talking so much with my sexuality battle... and I had to let it out… it's how I able to release... or sometime when I'm in church and need to rejoice

Trent: yes...you're very spiritual or religious whichever you call it...does that conflict with your sexual identity

Smiling On Tha DL: actually, I just came back to church on Jan. 16th. I've always been spiritual and went to church whenever I woke up... But, now it’s a necessity to go to church at least once a week... Since going to church, I know I'm more confident than ever... Knowing how powerful and loving my God is, gives me the strength to survive, better yet thrive in all that I do

Trent: are you gay?

Smiling On Tha DL: And if you know God like I do... He still loves me. This winter was the first time, I said those words out loud, so, yes I am. I love whoever makes me happy

Trent: so you're bi

Smiling On Tha DL: I'm gay

Trent: okay. So how many relationships have you been in

Smiling On Tha DL: I’ve been in three "relationships"

Trent: before the weight loss?

Smiling On Tha DL: all before the weight loss…

Trent: Did you find any similar dynamics in the relationships?

Smiling On Tha DL: not at all, they were all three different people

Trent: why did you end them or why did they end

Smiling On Tha DL: don't want to get into all of them...but the last one ended because the brother was to controlling, Its hard being in a relationship with a brother who is active as I am

Trent: okay...so did you find it hard or difficult to date because of your size?

Smiling On Tha DL: I don't know if weight was involved. No one disrespected me and said your fat. I didn't know I was fat, until I lost the weight, LOL, swear to Goodness. I thought I was a little big...still cute, I called it chunky

Trent: yes...I just find it so interesting that you're not on the skinny side and you haven’t like reached out to me sooner or something, you're so cold…

Smiling On Tha DL: I'm not cold at all... I'm a lovable guy

Trent: what are you initials

Smiling On Tha DL: very funny

Trent: I mean you have to admit that smiling on the DL is a long name to call someone

Smiling On Tha DL: calling me Smiling, DW, my alias, Dwayne Wayne…

Trent: and did you really think I was gonna make a pact with you and not talk about your identity? You wear glasses and funny lookin’ hats that went out of style 10 years ago?

Smiling On Tha DL: you already got the height out of me

Trent: you have short-man issues

Smiling On Tha DL: MOST DEF, I don't care how tall you are... I’ll still knock you out, LOL

Trent: okay and that’s fine too, but I am not a fighter.

Smiling On Tha DL: Well, I never had a fight in my life… but I hit people all of the time

Trent: I am more of the type to let you kick my ass, get up and laugh when you're done, press charges, and sue your ass in court, and have you finance my projects for the next 10 years and there's always a good plastic surgeon to fix your face…

Smiling On Tha DL: LMAO

Trent: that’s how I do...then send the hench men near your final payment and have you tossed in the Hudson...while I cross my legs at the ankles and plot my next move.

Smiling On Tha DL: thanks for telling me

Trent: of course, I always switch up...So do you have sex a lot

Smiling On Tha DL: Not penetration

Trent: you don’t penetrate or what?

Smiling On Tha DL: I don't get down with penetrated sex if I’m not involved with someone

Trent: so are you a headhunter?

Smiling On Tha DL: what is that

Trent: you like suckin' dick?

Smiling On Tha DL: most def, and love getting my dick suck, too

Trent: you lick boy pussy?

Smiling On Tha DL: honestly, my first time was last December and it was much better than I had expected.... it was with a play buddy...haven't done it since...actually there was him... and oh yeah him, lol…I'm really into foreplay

Trent: you're so boring

Smiling On Tha DL: Oh well, that’s what I like

Trent: so do have man boobs

Smiling On Tha DL: nah

Trent: what’s your favorite place to shop?

Smiling On Tha DL: Macy's or Bloomingdale’s, when my boy gets 40% off

Trent: When's your birthday

Smiling On Tha DL: March 15

Trent: oh were two days apart, that explains a lot who are your blog friends besides No4real4real

Smiling On Tha DL: don't use that name when you do post this. I'm kewl with Frank, claystarr is a great friend I met from blogging-he is awesome

Trent: you're funny…hmm...this has been really interesting, Smilin’, I think it's safe to say I would like a Part II very soon

Smiling On Tha DL: When we do that, I hope to be closer to my place

Trent: I was thinking in a week

Smiling On Tha DL: lol

Trent: after you see how I chop this up. You'll probably be angry and annoyed

Smiling On Tha DL: hmmmmm…and you will get messed up when you get to NYC

Trent: is that a threat?

Smiling On Tha DL: its already saved

Trent: you should watch what you say...those words could come back on you

Smiling On Tha DL: Its already saved

Trent: I'm not worried about anything...LOL, I love it when people get beside themselves

Smiling On Tha DL: I know you get off on that, Black GAY WENDY

Trent: and so do you, that’s why you agreed to this interview. And for the record I'm Trent Jackson...I ALWAYS stay ahead of the game.

Smiling On Tha DL: so, u think

Trent: remember that...I may run my mouth. But I am a mile a head of you....

Smiling On Tha DL: of others, not me…let me stop

Trent: sure, think that

Smiling On Tha DL: I will continue to do so

Trent: great, I am glad that we have that understanding

Smiling On Tha DL: Pisces always have to be argumentative

Trent: this interview is done

6.02.2005

WOW

for I am not even one tenth of the talent that lies in this world. So many people have amazing stories, creativity bigger than who they are, dynamic, powerful, energy that can affect you in a way in which you'd never thought you would experience anything like it, ever.

I read two blogs in their entirety last night.
Larry Lyons and Frank's Blog. Two phenomenal Black men on missions. For about 2 hours I had to lay somewhere and marinate. Larry just takes you there. He has your entire thought process fucked up for like an hour and 15 minutes just thinkin' about life. Then here comes Frank in all of his commentative spirit and half naked men (including himself) fuckin' with you for the duration of your mental sabbatical....WOW. Just for the record I will NEVER INTERVIEW LARRY so don't ask. He knows my reasons why and I want you to respect it. It won't happen...

So speaking more of Larry, he put's on his blog, he wants to know who I think the 5 cutest bloggers are. I think we should hold a contest. Lets have like a blog pageantry thing and who ever wins gets to be a guest at the 1st annual Trent Jackson Halloween Excursion Cruise 2005 is this a plan?

P.S. FUCK ALL YOU BITCHES! Y'all bastards don't ever comment 15 times on my usual posts, but all of a sudden you throw a cute boy with brains and a big cock in the mix you fags are salivating all over the damn place! I have a trick for yall. FUCK YOU FRANK! And you suck at responding to emails!

I want to interview DIVO next....