I am almost certain that question has come up more than once in your lifetime. If you're normal it's a recurring theme...
While I was going to take a hiatus for a while (and I think I still might) something struck me in the worst kind of way tonight. I am only able to articulate these feelings of high emotion in the written form because if I tried to tell you they wouldn't make sense and even after writing, I still don't think I make sense.
For once in my life, I finally thought I knew the great answer to the question: Why Am I Here? I am sure it was to help people, to expose myself so much to people that they could see me and be like, if he can do it, so can I. But that is the main difference between Tarrance, the real me, and my alter ego Trent Jackson. Trent Jackson hasn't been through anything. He was created, altered, designed to be perfect-that's why he appears that way, in a sense he is-because he isn't tainted, and he is everything that Tarrance has ever wanted to be.
Tarrance is the person who has dealt with being molested. Tarrance is the one who experienced the death of his father at 6. Tarrance is the one who grew up with a abusive mother. Tarrance is the one who watched the helicopter on the news fly over his grandmothers house, as her body laid riddled with bullets as he tried to prepare for school that day. Tarrance is the one who sees everyone for what they are and makes the conscious effort to deal with them or not. Tarrance is the one who penned At This Moment and chose to share his life with the world. Tarrance is the one that gets up everyday and blogs to you...not Trent. He is just a shield to protect the already wounded, but brand new Tarrance....you get it?
There has to be something better in store for me than what I am going through right now. And as private as I am I won't get into to it....but I was just thinking why do all the good people have to suffer and go through shit just to get suckered out and get the short end of the stick at the end? Why is it that the people that have goals, purpose, love freely, who give unselfishly-always end up hurt at the end...? Not to say that I am more deserving over someone else, but I am really getting irritated at all of these "zombies" walking around getting the best of everything. Is it just me on the outside looking in, or are they camouflaging (like me) their hurt with material possessions versus alter egos?
I'm fortunate for what I have. I want to be a lot better than where I am now. I am really wanting for one thing right now (lol...) but I could be homeless or cracked out or be somewhere in a straight jacked and padded walls...thank God I'm not.
Tonight I went to my cousins house and he and his sister were on their way to the Coco Chanel Store, and the Bijan Boutique (mind you, you have to get an appointment to get into the store) and they were going on and on about this and about that. And I stopped myself from saying anything...but I thought these are two rotten ass kids. They don't go to school and neither one of them is in the position to be spending their parents money like that (they aren't on baller status either, don't be fooled)...they don't have goals, dreams, aspirations...and when I try to get them to enroll in school with me or something, they "don't want to." It's such a shame to see them sit up and just wear these clothes-and what does it all mean when you can't make logical decisions, and can't think without asking Mommie and Daddy? Why are they here? I love them and all like that, but I wish that they would just give up the negroidian spending style and do something more productive and lucrative with their life, besides looking fabulous. That shit is old...and what's gonna happen when it all goes away?
My family irritates me. In 2006 I'll be THE FIRST in my family to not only GRADUATE COLLEGE, but with a DUAL DEGREE, in Radio/TV Broadcasting and Secondary Education-but they talk soooo much shit about me being in school and why I haven't finished on time, and I'm naieve for pursing this, or I'm dumb for wanting to be a teacher...they don't make enough money, blah, blah, blah...It's not about money, it's all about inspiring people and helping humanity for the better, and in my opinion it can be done because change starts with me. Sharing my experience with people motivates them for the better...why is it the the dumbest ass niggers (yes I said NIGGER) trying to comment on my shit and they settled for some whack ass civil service job years ago that some white man signed off on just to make them think that they were getting something out of the deal. Or are they just that mad that they're stuck and gonna retire at that shit (thats cool if you want to do that...nothing against you) But I think so much bigger than that. I want more. I want to challenge myself to be better. What is wrong with that? Why am I here?
It's part family, who I love, but they just fuck you in the ass so hard without vaseline, they just leave you with hemorroids and let the dirty air hit them while you are sitting numb and in excruciating pain. It's me not taking more responsibility for my own outcome...I just get so tired of dealing with life and people dumping their shit on me all the fuckin' time I can' breathe and deal with my own dilemnas. Hell I've got a ego, a super ego, a alter ego, and a fuckin id to deal with let alone everyone else and their shit! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
As I scramble to make my ends meet and my shoe strings tie for this Atlanta Trip next week, and contemplate on my future and wonder if what I am really doing is just-I can't help but to think of all the people that have been successful at what they've done, and how they kept going in times of adversity and when no one around you can support the positive things that you're doing.
My boy...how can I tell you who you are without being obvious (they are already on our relationship low key...already....) thank you for understanding. And thank you for inspiring me daily to be a better person. I appreciate our time so much...you mean a lot 2Me!
Rasheek thank you for doing all that you're doing right now. It count's in more ways than one. I wonder if I'll be able to look back at this moment and say, damn I'm glad I kept my head up and I didn't keep asking myself why I am here.