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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

9.30.2005

Stupid...

What’s really hood?

Shot Outs To: Cash and nem, E, I feel the love, I feel the love…

I am going to need the whole city of Los Angeles not to smell like fire and brimstone when I know I live 45 minutes away from the fires. Los Angeles, uniquely, design is that of a basin, surrounded by mountains to the north, south, and the east, so all of the smoke settles in so we can breathe it all in and fuck up our lungs even more. I’ll be glad when this is all over…but this shit happens every year.

Yall know that I am really feelin’ Toni Braxton's new song, Stupid. Maybe it’s because I am stupid. I was stupid for loving him, I was stupid for actually thinking that it could have worked between us, all the nights he laid in my bed beside me, I was stupid for cooking filet mignon at 2 a.m. for his ass, and I was stupid for thinking he was in love with me. How could I be so stupid?

It’s been almost a year since the dumpation occurred in October. For a minute I thought that I could bounce back and be normal and not miss a beat, but because I was so comfortable being myself it threw me for a loop when I got dumped out of no where. It was so cold, all of a sudden, he stopped calling me, didn’t take my calls, he didn’t even come and get his shit from my house…and one night I went out and there he is in the club with a man in combat boots, a skirt, a wig, a 5 o’clock shadow and a brick face makeup job! I am so outdone…

Just when I think I am over him, here he comes sending emails, talking about he tried to call me but my numbers were changed, the people I use to talk to I don’t talk to anymore, etc. Says he saw me recently but he couldn’t catch me in time. He says I’m looking good (yeah because I am not with you and I am thinking about myself and my career these days) and he would like to see me…I think not. What happened to you calling me last October when you decided to dump me for a drag-queen. Anyway…enough of the black man single blues.

Why is it that you’re never enough for the long-term haul? Is it me or is it you too? We can talk, I can make you laugh, we can go out, we can kiss, we can hold hands sometimes, we might even show each others our johnsons, but right when it gets to that point, that point were it’s now or never, the point of no return; serious, the blacks wanna bail.

I’ve stopped looking; but then I meet someone else, and the same shit happens. I’m getting bored by myself…and damn you Toni for making such a good CD about Love and Relationships…

The last time I was really in love, really in love…I was the one that was scared. I’ve never told anyone this story either. I was in Burbank auditioning for this show, and there was a cute light-skinned cat in the lobby waiting for his appointment. He struck up a conversation, and I really liked his appeal, he was really cocky and arrogant…more than overly confident. It was such a turn on. His name was Brandon. I enjoyed him a lot…a whole lot.

He ended up being the closest person to my heart. He was a dancer so he was always gone, but he called me often and we would spend hours on the phone. We would spend time together when he came back to L.A. For some reason I wouldn’t give into him. I was just like no, no, no…

I never have known what would have been…we had a fight a few weeks before my 21st birthday, and I never got a chance to talk to him again. Brandon died the night of my 21st birthday on my way to my party to make up for the things that he had said to me…at his funeral his sister gave me the envelope that he had for me in the car that night. I opened it tonight; I’ve left it sealed for 3 ½ years…

All I can say is that I am stupid.


STUPID

7 comments:

Ladynay said...

Can you share a sniplet of the card/letter? For us nosey fans?

Holiday N said...

I also am loving Toni's return..it's no MiMi but it's good.
Toni just has way of singing about whateva I'm going through..I like the one with the Dear Mama beat.
It's funny that you would choose to be talkin' bout relationships also..I made a whole week out of my recent heartbreak on my blog..you would like it, I think.

ProfessorGQ said...

Toni's CD could be a lot better...it's nothing like her first three releases.

On the other hand, dude I hope you get yourself together and don't let a bad situation affect your mind for such a long time. We all will face hard times, but it is up to us as individuals to decide how long we will dwell over those bad situations.

Cash S. said...

Man, are you on trial, because you just told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (lol). Brothas (including myself) are definitely scared of the long-term haul. It's sad to say, but its the TRUTH.

Valentino said...

I'm liking toni's lil cd too... Supposed To Be is giving me alot...But um...what da letter say pumpkins?

E said...

Toni's CD could definitely be a lot better but a couple of the songs have started growing on me. Ironically the one with the Dear Mama sample annoys me because it reminds me too much of Tupac's remake...:-)

ShawnQt said...

don't hate me... OCTOBER 15TH, 2005! BE PREPARED!

miss u
Shawn Taquan

(ps I love this song stupid, listening off ur site now.)