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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

12.29.2006

If You Don't Get Any Rest Today, You're Gonna Be Tired Tomorrow

It's the last post of 2006. What a year it has been!!! In 48 hours I am going to be liquored up past out on somebody's floor, talking trash, going into the brisk moonlight with a new attitude like my name was Patti Labelle in 1984.

This was a great, dramatic, entertaining, enlightening and eventful year. Through everything I'm grateful to have seen and lived another year.

I learned a lot about myself and what I expect in and from others. The biggest lesson I learned is that everything will come in it's due time-nothing comes before you're suppose to have it.

While I wanted to come up with some over the top post about this years highlights, I think simplicity in wishing you a Happy New Year and a happy new you is more sufficient.

I hope everyone has tied up all loose ends before the close of 2006...if not, you have 2 more days...

I have walked through the valley of death, but I didn't fret. I made it out alive from my belief in God, belief in myself and my from belief in people like you.
There is always time for LOVING WHO YOU ARE WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
Give freely.
Love never dies it just replenishes.
Embrace who you are, embrace who you are becoming, embrace the person that you'll be.
Know who you are and don't let others try to change that.
Always know that there is tomorrow to come to.
Learn from the outcome of your mistakes. Not the mistake themselves.
Forgive but don't forget.
Know your limits.
Don't be afraid to say no.
Live life for you.
Commit to at least one thing.
Challenge yourself.
Put yourself in their shoes.
Step outside and look at yourself.
Never stop hoping, loving, trying, giving, dreaming, evolving.
Be. In Your element, whatever it is.
Know the part that you played and live with what you've done.

I love you.
Even those who don't love me back.

Close a chapter...because a new one will always have to begin.

See you in 2007!

:In Progress:

12.28.2006

MySpace Is My Friend Again

Okay, just like Beyonce and text messaging, I have a love hate relationship with: MySpace! MySpace is the anti-Christ and it has ruined my life a few times this summer, which led me to making my profile private and there is strict protocol in effect if you want to view my page or add me as a friend. I don't have time for games, 3 days and these hoes are going to see a complete 180 up in this piece!

Anyway MySpace has been great to me this week. I got in touch with my old roommate from college again, I've been concerned about him, because as some of you know I went to school in Louisiana, and he was a New Orleans native...we had a nice chat and now he's in my top 24! So hot...It's good to be reconnected with him, I cherish the time spent in college.

Then I got in touch with another person I lost contact with whom I lived with summer of 01' while in Ohio. There was drama involved (somewhat my fault, doesn't surprise you...) and we didn't close out the summer properly. Nonetheless, I often thought about him and how he's doing...and guess who pops up!!! So that was cool and I am looking forward to a lengthy conversation with him.

For the last two years I've been on a search to find my English teacher from Jr. High School. I get emotional whenever I speak of her, because she is really the person who gave me the inspiration to write. Without her there probably wouldn't be any books. I remember writing a paper once in 8th grade about my grandmother being murdered. And she told me that I had such a unique writing style, that I could one day go on to be a famous author...she told my mom, and my mom being the hater that she is, told me that I could never and wouldn't ever be a writer. Needless to say, I kept writing, because for the first time, I had heard someone tell me that I could be something. Someone had articulated a belief in me and I ran with it. Ever since my book came out last year, I've been trying to find her...Why she got a myspace though? And she works at my old high school??? So, now she's just a reach away. I am going to be so glad to tell her face to face what an impact she has made on my life. For giving me the belief that I could do something, beyond me and allowing me to share that with you. I wrote her this long email, that made me cry...I swear every time I think about that night that she told me that, it brings tears to my eyes...do you know what it's like to live your life and people are always pointing out all the wrong that you do. Then one day someone notices something different, but a good different. That was a powerful moment for me...

Someone you wanna find...? They prolly on MySpace. You better findout. Oh, if you want to add me, shout a nigga...

12.27.2006

Test

I'm glad my life is calm. Making the adjustment to remove yourself from drama or dramatic situations is difficult, especially when you've been use to living in chaos your entire life. My home life is great, my personal life is getting better by the day and my career is definitely on the move. I'm blessed. For once in my life I am accepting things the way they are and I actually like what is going on with me At This Moment.

As the week, the end of the year is winding down it feels good to relax and focus on things that are really important to you and share with the people that you really love and mean the most to you.

But in my heart, I know, the biggest thing that will be most difficult for me to grapple with in life is just waiting around the corner. It came to me in a dream last night, it was confirmed when I woke up this morning. Although this will be the greatest task in my life, I know that I am going to perform better than I have before. I've been prepped for this experience for 24 years. I never thought that I would have a 4 year old sister in the mix of it, which really makes the matter more complex, it will be hard, but, I'm Tarrance Lockhart first, he is a survivor. He almost died when he was born, umbilical cord wrapped around his neck three times. His father was murdered when he was 6. He got molested two years straight shortly there after. He experienced racism for the first time when he was 11-learning what the word nigger meant when he went to their school, in their neighborhood, in their classes, in that accelerated program. When he was 13 his grandmother was murdered by his cousin. When he was 16 an intruder nearly killed him as he got ready for school.

Not to mention his whole life he felt like he was inadequate because of his weight and dealing with the fact that he was gay; plus the emotional torment of his family. Forced to be something that he wasn't, because he didn't know it was okay to be himself, when he was 19 he learned who he was. The black college experience changed his life forever. Being in a space away from his roots forced him to examine himself over and become one with himself. That was only overshadowed by his mother who not only had gotten gravely ill, but was also pregnant. He returned to Los Angeles, becoming the rising phoenix and creating the facade of Trent Jackson.

Now the biggest challenge yet; requires him to take of his mask and deal with life the only way he knows how...head on.

I, he, is fine...I always have been, I always will be. Even when times are bleak, I'm designed to overcome. Full Circle.

12.26.2006

Holiday's End

I hope your holiday was just the way you wanted it...mine was! I spent Christmas alone! WHEW how good it felt to have the ringers off and the email application closed! I didn't cut on my phone until 10 at night and how annoying it is for everyone to send those damn text messages talking about Merry Christmas and all like that. I don't really get into it like that!! If you can't pick up the phone and say it then miss me with text messages. Text messages along with myspace have made the human interaction nonexistent.

I worked on my new book...the third one and made a big ass pot of Gumbo for me and my mom. It went without incident-no drama, no depressing family bullshit...it was cool.

The evening was sugar coated in the sweetest frosting with an unexpected call from my friend, Jammie, who is also a blogger, who I hated at the start of summer, cause I thought he was a shade-monster. Not that he doesn't call, cause he does. We both have busy schedules, however he makes time to breathe, which I can appreciate-it has been a rocky, traumatic year for the both of us. Nonetheless, he was in my neighborhood and he called me as I was hopping out of the shower. I met up with him at a local eatery and as usual I enjoyed his company and his conversation. Spending time with him is always refreshing because he's actually different. Most black, gay men have this over abundance of talking about frivolous things...I don't ever have to worry about that. Some people you look forward to seeing-J is one of those people. Although I feel bad, because I kept talking about myself...I think it was more so wanting to share my progress with someone who actually will listen, since my relationship is over...

The holidays were great, I got some emails from some old school friends, my ex from high school called, we may have a date this afternoon...nothing serious, were just friends and I am looking forward to going into 2007 glowing in the sun...I am ready for a change.

12.22.2006

Friday Finale!!!

Well this is the Season Finale for Season 2 of In The Mix With Trent. Season 3 will Start January 17th 2007! Until then Enjoy this show and all the best of shows that I'll be posting. If you can't hear the show on the radio box to the right, click the title of this post.

Have A Merry Christmas!
Happy Kwanza!

12.21.2006

I Took A Real Good Shit Today

I don't know why, I, we, you. Feel like we need them.
Them, who keep up shit constantly.
Trick us to make our minds think that, they're there.
When we see that they really not.
We hold on to this grand idea
that if we're there for them, they will be there for us
but time and time again we find ourselves,
outside
bare assed
in a fuckin' blizzard
cause we thought we had sustenance from our friends
our lovers,
our families,
ourselves.
But again our false hope, their blurred lines of lies
have been nothing more than bleak mirages.

So as I deleted number after number out of my phone today.
I felt bad for letting them go.
I paid my sprint bill in full
And in four hours,
10 days earlier than what I said I would.
My phone number will be changed.

But more importantly
my mind set has changed to stop allowing people
to fuck with me
to lie to me
to deceive me
to keep stringing me along
thinking I have something
when in the end all I got is me and God.

I took control.
I got back my will power.
I got back to me.
The way it always should have been.

So if you happen to call and can't get through,
email gets returned back to you.

You've been right all along,
"It's not me, it's you."

12.20.2006

Witty Wednesday!!

If You can't play through the audio player, click the title of the post!

12.19.2006

LMAO!

So...

If you've been listening to my show you know that I work with my personal trainers, husband, who comes from negro-fame-royalty-lineage. Small world right? Hmm..Fuck six degrees of separation, it's more like three.

While bumping to Monica at my cubicle early this morning...my direct supervisor comes up to me and says we heard your show...

So my eyes pop out of my head...like, oh shit, what did I say!??? I swear I get in front of that mic and just talk and forget what I say after the 20 or thirty minutes of banter is up! I feel bad because I really don't interact with my husbands trainer while I am at work. I just don't say shit. You know I really don't fuck with men like that. I am the one in the office that no one can figure out...I'm silent, like silent night and then I find that one girl that I can connect with, who can bring the inner punk outta me so we can sit up and talk about all of the dick at work. Hmmm...I found it on my first day. It's just cosmic I tell you, cosmic.

But it's all good at work though. It's so funny cause everyone likes me at work, I give them punctuality, I give them productivity and jokes...I make all of the other punks jealous! I don't mean to! We can all be friends! There is enough room for all the queens in the world. I wont be a pawn, I'll settle for princess. But I've never understood why the kids in the neighborhood throw shade before they even know you. I mean I try to be friendly and smile at people, but then they just want to turn around and give me a frown...I'll never understand what that is about.

Office politics are a mess, this is why I am staying neutral at this job. I do what I have to do and keep it pushin! I have a show to record and a book to sign...not to mention all the other things I want to do include plan my wedding.

Also before I go. I just want to thank you for reading! I appreciate your emails and all of that kinda stuff. Even in my own delusional, psychotic episodes when I think no one is paying attention you are...

And I keep asking this question...but when did I get so popular??? That kinda freaks me out. Did I say I love black women with crazy weaves and over dramatic makeup? Especially the ones that remind me of Tammy Faye and Phyllis Diller.

12.18.2006

Let It Flow...

Yall remember what Toni said..."First thing Monday Morning..." That's the song that I should be playing today.

My weekend was ROUGH. Quick weekend trip to ATL and did some scouting for an apartment. Didn't hangout with anyone...It was strictly business and besides the way my luck has been, I don't need any additional jealous bitches in my face trying to see what I am doing. It's better to show people better than you can tell them and be like Nike and JUST DO IT. Part of my new years resolution is to stop talking about what I am going to do and just do it. Because when you say things, you'd be surprised at all the mojo people stir up and craft just to try and stop you just to say "I told you so."

I came back just in time to see my little sisters Ballet Recital, which was so cute. She's very competitive and her form is simply amazing for a four year old. She was very focused, didn't miss a cue and I'm pretty sure there would be no problem with her advancing and going on to something more advanced. I just have to make sure she won't be a video vixen. With me around I won't even let that go down.

The event was overshadowed by my ex, my first real boyfriend "Xavier," the main character of my first book. I was so thoroughly annoyed. I gave him no love as I chimed along to Faith Evans in my head. Sick bastard. All that gorgeosity and no substance behind it...what a shame. Too bad he's not me.

So as I go and start up my car yesterday, I drove two feet out of my driveway before my car wants to cut off and not move. As some of you know I just spent 500.00 on a break job and a tune up about a month ago so there was no reason on God's green earth that my car would have been playing fool like this so soon.

So I call up AAA and have it towed to the local Pep Boys, only for them to tell me that paint had been poured in my gas tank, which blocked the gas line, which shut down the computer on the car to even tell the diagnostic machine which part needed to be fixed, none the less, my mom had four blades in her tires this morning when she woke up. It's not a game...I can show them better than I can tell them.

But why is that people always want to talk trash and not listen to you when you know who the culprit is. But as soon as some ish goes down with them they want to be all up in arms about something...?!

But whatever, I see Lucifer likes to play...I swear some nasty energy knows when I get money...cause I as soon as I do some shit always goes down. I swear I've got to learn not to tell anybody anything...Well with the exception of you.

12.11.2006

A Day Late and -30.52 Short

Um...

SO lets see. I was so drunk over the weekend, I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH MONEY. Didn't check the account balance and was overdrawn by 30.52, What was I thinking about. Thank GOD for a savings stash.

Well, a lot to talk about a little, time. I've been in full swing with this book that my head has been spinning faster than Linda Blair in the exorcist.

But I'll be back with some tales and tells...on Witty Wednesday...

Music reviews tomorrow.
Peace,

and thanks for all of the support I ppreciate it!

12.08.2006

Friday Finale....

The Friday Finale is finally freakin' here! Click on the title of the post if you can't hear it automatically or hear it through autoplay! Have a great weekend.

12.07.2006

The Summary...

I thought this time was different,
I thought that we had fixed it.
You were actin' all right,
You even said that you loved me.

Goin' through the motions,
you said that I was the one.
Stupid me I believed you,
so sorry I took you back.

I'm so sick and tired of fuckin' round with you.
You treat me worse than a pimp nigga do.
Any other 1 would want to be with me.
You lied, I tried to keep this fake shit happy.

I wish you could be true.
I wish you could be real,
It's real fucked up what you put me through.
I shoulda know better, got burned once
had me thinking it was me when it was really you.

Why do I have to be so caught up in you?
You say that you loved me but if that were true,
you woulda stayed and acted like you cared for me like I cared for you.
And now you callin' me...like it's all good.
Actin' like you never cheated, played with my mind, wasted my time and kept me from finding love.

I was there for you, when you were going through,
When yo brother died. Where was he then?
I listened to you cry, I held you real tight, said it be aiight, and I really loved you.

Now look at me watchin' over you.
Got me playin fool like infinity times 2.
You wanted to play me and game me.
Said you were sorry and didn't mean to.
But that didn't mean shit when I caught you.

Why do I have to be so caught up in you?
You say that you loved me but if that were true,
you would have cheated when I was there for you.
I gotta let you go, just so you know.
It's not me, it's you.

My love,
my time,
intimate moments shared
You know you want that shit.
Because you can't get what I got no where else,
and while you fuckin' them other niggas backs,
you can't help to think about what you had
so stop callin' me with that bullshit actin' all sad.
Cause when I was there you couldn't handle it,
you fucked it off and played me for a fool,
now look a you nigga the joke is now on you.

I'm happy.
Doing all the things you kept me from doin'
no there's no one else...just me.
You can't stand to see me, do it without you...
You ain't seen nothin' yet.

I can really show you better than I could ever tell you...but you already know that.

12.05.2006

New Music Tuesday

I hate to say it but, if the late great, in her own rite, Aaliyah wouldn't have died, there would be no Ciara. Not to discredit, the new, modern-day Janet Jackson from her due, but it's a reality.

We all fell in love with Ciara in the summer of 2004 when we thumped 'Goodies' then did a '1-2 step'...but then we all made a 'Promise,' to honor Ciara forever when we saw her Aaliyah-esque video (a la "One In A Million") and she danced for the kids and gave us performance and a hot new fuck track for our sex mixes...(yes I know you have one)

The Evolution is truly that...While Ciara reminds us of Janet and Aaliyah she clearly adds her own flair with enough personality, performance and style to put the comparisons aside and focus on her great ability to keep us captivated long enough to make us gasp in awe.

Her first CD, She proved that she had the potential of staying power. Ciara will clearly surpass the Sophomore jinx with her new CD.

While the The Evolution revisits the sound of 80's Prince through out the CD, you hear a lot of guitar with hot tracks that bump bass lines and drums tracks that make you wanna dance, grind, grab yourself and just groove to. I love Ciara's CD. It's hot, it's different, and it's the same sound Brandy went for on "Full Moon." Not to say that the CD is "Full Moon" quality. But if you remember Brandy came with a different sound that showcased what she was 'workin' wit' as long as the right person brought it out.

Is this Ciara's Best work? No. But it let's you know that the best is yet to come and that this 19 track set was well throughout, well put together and put her personal craft and touch into delivering a quality product that you can add to your collection and dust off and play 2 years from now. Ciara is proving that she has staying power and her music will be a timeless classic for the next generation.

Standout tracks: Promise, Can't Leave 'Em Alone, My Love, Make It Last Forever, I'm Just Me.

12.04.2006

Starting Fresh.

So, needless to say that my DSL is down! 2 whole weeks and two technician visits later, they still cant seem to get it right. Either I'm going to have to go cable or go satellite within the next couple of days since At&t can't seem to get their shit together. You would think after 100 years of running shit you would know what to do, right? I guess you could say the same for stupid ass people that you tolerate in your life too huh? Oh and my apologies for uh not posting in two days...

My weekend was great! It started off really well! Friday I didn't do much of anything, but rest. Finally I can rest in again and resume my career as a writer. Saturday I enjoyed the wonderful company of Fred Smith, Joe, Jammie & The Blacks at this past weekends Fusion Outfest event. An event that showcases films that cater towards the black/minority LGBT Community.

Sunday the weekend was capped off watching a few documentaries on the Los Angeles Ball Scene and on Jewels Catch One. Then with the rest of the attendees we all watched the premier of D.L. Chronicles, Episode Two: Robert....and I am so happy for Q&D the show just got picked up by Here TV!!! Yaaaay!!!

Sunday night was also the closing night after party which was a great mixer-networking-hey girl I haven't seen you in a while event! I got a chance to catch up with a lot of who's who in gay media...and it's so funny how they all "read" my blog.

I'm tired...but I have a lot to say about this past weekends events, so make sure you catch Witty Wednesday.

Oh...Dezar. Thank you much for always being there right when I need it. :-) And stop being so remote...
Me, Lynn & Wilson
The Fusion Outfest After Party!
(I love them soooo much!)

11.28.2006

Excerpt...From My New Book, Full Circle

There was something about Rodney that I just couldn’t put my finger on. It was his charm. It was his comfort with me being gay. It was his comfort in me being myself. I liked that more than anything…and I had to keep reminding myself that he was straight. Which I think was better for me. Cause if Rodney had been gay, it could and possibly would have messed up our friendship.

We sometimes get sidetracked with people and their personalities. Making them our lovers instead of making them our friends first. Sometimes we will fuck people that are meant to be in our lives for more than a quick booty-call or lust session. So as far as I was concerned, God knew exactly what he was doing by making this man straight. Cause I know if I had a real pussy, I’d be a hoe. God knew what he was doing when he gave me my dangler.

“So quiet?” He asked me.
“No, not quiet. I’m letting you enjoy your Dr. Dre. I know how black men are with their rap music.” I said as I reclined the seat.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He said laughing.
“Just like what I said.”
“Are you saying you ain’t a black man or what? Cause I am lost.
“No, I am just saying that I know how you straight men are into rap. I’m not into rap. I am an R&B boy.” I explained.
“I know plenty of gay dudes that like rap.”
“Well I am not one of them.” I shot back.
“Okay…you made that clear Maverick.” Rodney replied laughing.
“Whatever.”
“So what you wanna hear?”
“Nothing. This will not be a conversation about what you’re playing on your radio.” I replied. “I just wanna-fuh-uh-uh-uck you. No kissin’ and huggin girl you got a husband who love you…” I started singing.
“What? You know this song.” Rodney asked.
“Um, nigga. I do have Chronic 2001, don’ play. It’s Dre all day.”
“I ain’t even gonna ask.” Rodney shot back.

We drove up Stocker to LaCienega, made a right to Rodeo and made a left. We shot up Jefferson until we came to Denny’s, where it was all the way live.

###

“Um, why are you attacking those buffalo wings like that?” I asked as I laughed at him.
“Why are you eating yours all prissy like you don’t want to get messed up?” He asked back, smacking and sucking on the bones.
“You are such a boy. It’s so very cute.” I responded.
“What does that mean?” Rodney asked back with a weird look on his face.
“Exactly what I said Rodney.”
“Are you saying you aren’t a boy?”
“The dichotomy of straight and gay men is rigid. Complex. You have those men who are au natural, as I like to say or naturally masculine. There isn’t any pretense. They just are boys. Everything about them is man. They take off their socks, draws, shoes and drop them in that one spot and leave them, just like straight men. Then we have those who are hyper-masculine. Those who immolate those who are au natural. They want to be boys, but deep down in their hearts they are bitches and they don’t want to be seen as bitches, because think they are less than…which isn’t necessarily true, because what makes a real man Rodney? It isn’t the way he acts? It isn’t watching football, it isn’t drinking beer. It’s your responsibility and taking care of business and understanding life. Admitting to your faults, not judging people. You know.”

“Hmmm…tell me more.” Rodney said still smacking, only licking his fingers this time.

“Then we have ‘The Pinks’ those who think like women. They don’t necessarily act like women. ‘The Pinks’ were more than likely raised by their mothers or some other woman. So they have the women’s intuition, the women’s emotion. They are very much men, but there’s that additional element.

“So you would be pink?” Rodney asked as if he already knew the answer.

“Some would say. But I think so.”

“Okay…you are. Finish.” He demanded as he bit another buffalo wing.

“Then you have full all out, ‘girls.’ They twitch, they twirl, and you mistake them for cheerleaders. They have that stereotypical gay look. They want you to know that they’re gay. They’re over the top, loud, boisterous. Over bearing, something like big bird. You know all of the feathers loud colors, very Liberace.” I explained while dipping one of my seasoned fries in the ranch dressing.

“You know Maverick. You’re very entertaining. You need to be on T.V. have you found those tapes yet?”

“We already know how I feel about the tapes Rodney. But I’ll show you.”

He sat there with an awkward look on his face. It was something about the way he looked that revealed exactly who he was. It came very clear to me. It was one of those moments, where you couldn’t believe it was happening. It was a state of shock. I just sat there, blinked my eyes and let the warmth of clarity come over my body.

We finished our food. We sat there in a pleasant, eerie state of silence. We paid and left. The car ride wasn’t anything less of what happened the last moments of our meal. He opened the sunroof, turned on the heater and put the radio on KJLH. It was the night beat, slow mellow music that suited the moment. The air was crisp, a little damp and the sky was turning into an orange purplish color that meant it was almost time for the sun to rise over the downtown skyline, east of where we were.

Rodney scared me for a second. Instead of making a right on Jefferson to back to the hood, he made a right and continued southwest. I sat there in silence, putting all of my trust in wherever he led me this night. For I knew that I was safe. I knew I could trust him. There wasn’t any pretense, for he had already proved to me that he could be trusted, without him saying it.

We made a left on Centinela Blvd right off of Sepulveda blvd. We went under the freeway and off to the left was Loyola Marymount University. We went around the curve, which put us back on Jefferson. The air got thinner, the cold grew more intense. I felt at home. We were going to Playa Del Rey. The beach. One of the lowest points in the city sits right at sea level. It’s secluded and planes from LAX fly right over it. Anytime I am near water. I am tranquil. I am relaxed and I don’t have a care in the world.

As we got closer, Rodney steered the car with his left hand. And rested the right hand hear the gearshift.

“You sleepy?” Rodney asked breaking the silence.
“Yeah, a little. I got the itis.” I said in my late-night sleepy voice.
“You crazy. I just wanted to stop at the beach for a minute sorry for not asking.” Rodney replied.
“It’s all good. I would have stopped you if it was something.” I replied.
“Aiight.”

After I replied, I reclined the seat back and enjoyed the rest of the ride. I rested and I did what I thought was natural. I felt Rodney’s right hand slightly touch my left hand. I didn’t resist. I welcomed his masculine touch instantly. Our hands synced and locked in place while he steered the car to a spot. I wasn’t nervous, scared, or confused. I didn’t ask questions. The car stopped and he let go of my hand. We sat there for another second in silence.

“Maverick, you up?”
“Yeah.”
“You wanna take a walk with me?”
“Aiight.” I replied.

We got out of the car and it was nippy. The wind brushed across my exposed body as the waves of the ocean soothed me while the night’s sky dimly lit a path across the beach. We walked through the sand in silence, taking in the ambience of calm warmth. Rodney stopped. I followed suit. He gently, neatly, sat down in the sand. He looked up at the colorful, majestic almost blue sky.

“You never know where life leads us.” He said out of nowhere in the darkness.
“You’re right.” I replied as I stood beside him.
He lit up a cigarette, before taking a drag he put it out. Then he pulled out a piece of gum and stuck it in his mouth. The moment was weird as the cold continued to grow stronger; I felt his soft, but rugged hand gently touch my calf.

11.27.2006

The Morning After.

I've never been one for casual sex. But damn, I have got to get a release. Cocoa Butter soothing oil and those vivid thoughts of 2002, with Patrick, the greatest sex I've ever had have got to come to an end. Although they reign supreme, and I still haven't found a man that sucks dick like him. He does exactly what I do when I suck dick. He made love to it. He imagined that it was a tongue. He used his tongue to find the spot that made it tick. Not only did he find the spot, he teased it while finding other areas that got the reaction. The reaction that made me stop eating his ass like it was my favorite meal to moan in ecstasy and loose my focus on something that he had been enjoying. The way he worked his mouth around my dick while simultaneously bouncing his firm, muscular trained-naval ass on my face let me know that I knew what I was doing. But again, 4 years ago, isn't today.

As quiet as it's kept. I like ass. I love eating a dude out right before I fuck him, if I decide to. I feel guilty sometimes after fucking a dude in his ass, because I know that I haven't given mine up. And given it up so easily at that. I want a connection when I let a man go inside of me. I want to be able to be on my back, legs over shoulders, while I am staring him in the eye, kissing him intensely while the curve of his dick fits me perfectly. I need that connection. Not to knock ol' boy from last night taking the dick like he was a pro, his ass was tight, his skill lacked, and his head...he could have kept. I would have went down on him to show him what head is supposed to feel like, but I kept looking at the clock, counting down time while asking myself, why the fuck was I here past 2 and I know I had to be up at 7:30 to make it to work on time.

I walked in. He smiled. So did I. He looked better at the club when I last met him a few weeks ago. His conversation, on point. He kept my attention, but then he slipped and said, you're nothing like your show.

Then it hit me. He knew who I was and never revealed it to me. Is this the part where my ego kicks in and I ask myself, did he just want to fuck a quasi-popular homosexual author/entertainer, or was he really into me? Once he told me that he listened to my shows and even cited some of the things I said, I wasn't interested. Because Trent Jackson wasn't there to bask in homoerotic behavior. Tarrance was there. That should have been my cue to leave. But his 6'2 180 physique, mixed in with that cool-boy swagger had me going. He was engaging and after the small, I'm one of your biggest fan bits in his masculine way-It was back to him and the L.L. licking the lips thing.

He asked me if I enjoyed the Bayou Classic game. He knew that I went to Southern. I gave him a nod...

Then he asked me to pull it out. I did. Because the small talk was a waste, especially after the two hour mark. He asked me if I got attached. Too many questions, with obvious answers. NO. I said calmly, while Trent Jackson was in my head queening out.

Damn. He gasped. I wasn't expecting that, he said. I laughed and asked him, what are fat boys supposed to have little dicks? He said no, while grinning. He took me in his mouth, quickly. For someone who was into conversation, he gulped the dick down like Janet Jackson did that strawberry at the end of the So Excited video. Did anyone catch her do that? If not watch it again! That hoe has a deep throat. He didn't. I had to slow him down, give him direction, tell him to use more tongue. A nigga loves tongue action. That makes the head all the better. The inside of the jaws and the lips don't even enhance the head if your tongue at movin...

By the time I bent him over the end of his couch, I barely put the head in. He squirmed take it out. He said it's been a minute and he wanted to get me off sucking my dick. I said okay. One condom wasted...by this time snooze fest had come and gone, this was yawn fest 06 and I had to be at work in 5 hours.

While he started sucking my dick he realized that he wanted Trent Jackson to fuck him...
U fit magnums he asked. I looked down at my dick and told him I wasn't a magnum man. But it fit anyway. Just right...wait, maybe I am a magnum man...

I fucked the shit out of him, till he couldn't take anymore. I did all of my tricks. I moved in a circle. I put it in him and let his muscle grip me while I moved my dick from the muscles between my legs. Hell I even split his cheeks apart and slammed him while he moaned...I told him to shut the fuck up and take my dick...he got silent as a mouse and I heard him moan Trent. Did this nigga want me to talk about him on my show? BLAH!!!

He told me to pull out and I was mad. I didn't and wasn't close to nuttin. The truth was I was bored, so instead of getting up and leaving...I made him suck the tip of my dick while I jacked off. Then I realized I couldn't nut. I wasn't supposed to be having sex with him.

My mind and my heart where somewhere else. I remembered the last time me and Orlando made love, in my bed. I thought about it and the way we were connected...what do you know, I pulled my dick off and shot all on his face...when I realized that I am still in love with my ex.

11.22.2006

Witty Wednesday....

BIAAAAAATCH!!!

Just when I have something IMPORTANT to say...EARTHLINK, AT&T whose ever fault it is...wanna ACK all ghetto with my DSL.

So I'm unable to upload my shit!!!!! FUCKERS! This only infuriates me further. I don't understand how these hoes have their money, ZERO balance and they wanna ack stank! But when a nigga don't pay his bill ERRYTHANG IS FINE. I so feel a
BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU COMPLAINT coming on...

I'm just waiting on SPRINT to follow suit this week.

So no show. Yall ain't got nothing to do on FRIDAY....

11.20.2006

Silly Me

So anyway. Here it is 5 p.m. pacific time. I truly forgot to post last night. but I'll talk about my weekend on my show this week along with a lot of other stuff

11.17.2006

Friday Finale 11.17.06

Hey Folks here it is!!!

Remember Wednesday's Show is combined with Fridays. I am coming up with other ways to play show...but in the meantime, if you can't hear it you can always download I-tunes...or click HERE

11.16.2006

I Know, I know, I know....

So, how about I just combine the Friday Finale and the Witty Wednesday into one...? Great! Got it, good!

Just working, and making massive changes in my life...all for the better...

I'm pretty sure there is going to be another video up soon too.

11.15.2006

Witty Wednesday....

I started recording my show early afternoon Tuesday...but had some things I needed to catch up on.

So while the show isn't done, It will be up tomorrow.

I'm basking in this conversation that I just had with a fellow blogger. It is safe to say that I'm on cloud nine?

Not in that kind of way...but just to be on eye level with someone. But the show will be up tomorrow...

Making massive changes is always a good thing.

A pebble in the water...

11.14.2006

Restoration

I can't help but to always ask the mental question: Why do I always end up getting the short end of the stick?

I'm nice.
I'm genuine.
I give people their respect.
I am honest.
I allow people to be themselves.
I have a great character.
People like me.
I'm easy going.
The list goes on.

I just don't understand people who try to block my shine...or anyone else's shine. I understand that the shit isn't about me...but why hate? There is room for everyone...or is there?

This post is simply about Karma. Reaping what you sow.

I have a better understanding of something now. It's my mental question. And I understand that I always don't get the short end of the stick, even though it may feel like it.

God knows exactly what he's doing, when he's doing it, how he's doing it and why he's doing it.

That brings me to say this. I'm not a hard person to please. A small gesture of kindness or the act of being thoughtful actually brings a tear to my eye.

I was at my friend Tara's house in Jonesborough on Saturday. She had a baby shower (awww how cute) It was a very well put together event. I mean, Tara is as genuine and kind hearted as they come-and I appreciate that so very much. She reminds me a lot of my sister Tuesday...
But-what makes me really love her is the fact that she just gives unselfishly. Her spirit and her heart are beautiful. She has a great set of friends. Her family is beautiful-everything down to her home is beautiful. I just sat there in awe-just saying wow to myself...just to be in an environment where it's calm. Everyone is on one accord. I mean there isn't an ounce of stress or negativity around her...It's amazing. Just to take that in...that rubbed off on me, cause I just thought to myself, this is what life is supposed to be like. Supportive family and supportive friends. Loving and caring for one another without all the pretense. It gave me restoration, that sincere, unconditional, genuine love could be attained.

Friday evening, I hung out with That Dude Right There. We had such a good time. We went out to The Red Chair and got fucked up out of our minds. And it was cool because there is always some element of shade when gay men interact with each other. There is always some silent competition. I mean we all have those friends that always make some sly ass comment-that's really offensive, but they try to play it like its not. They'll say something like "Yeah me and my man love each other and he tore my ass up twice today" knowing that you and your boyfriend just broke up. Even though That Dude Right There, may think that we were just hanging out as friends should, he doesn't know that he gave me restoration, that honest people, that are into building real friendships without all of the, gay bullshit do exist. That gave me something to look forward to.

Thursday was one of the highlights of last week cause I finally got a chance to meet, Kool A.K.A. Brutha Free. Who is one of the most down to earth people that you'll ever want to meet. You know how you're coming from out of town and people are like, yeah we're gonna do this and do that and give a bunch of lip service? Well...he kept his word and not only did he keep it, he came with insight, wisdom, humor a great conversation and balance. I appreciated that. He was just being himself...he doesn't know that I appreciate people for being who they are-and that he gave me restoration that people do and can actually keep their word and that you make time to make people feel welcome.

When it's all said and done, I finally got something back that I put out. It may have took a minute, but it was refreshing to know that all the shit that I've endured the past few months, I was able to bask in real people who all understand and respect the laws of the universe.

11.13.2006

Life In ATL

So for the past few day's I've been thoroughly enjoying myself in ATL. It's been very interesting...but you know where ever I am, something is always bound to go down. Even if it's subtle. I will wait until Wednesday to discuss the things and the people of ATL...in a very direct, round-about, Trent Jackson fashion.

Here is some of what's been going on...

My new home in ATL

Add to My Profile | More Videos

11.08.2006

Out With Trent....

Sorry there isn't a show. There wasn't enough time. I'm trying to pack and catch a plane while trying to be snappy with a post...

I had the pleasure of meeting author Clarence Nero who just released, Three Sides To Every Story, earlier this month, last night at In The Meantime Mens.

It was a really cool event and I got a chance to catch up with old friends and meet Clarence who is a really cool, down to earth, inspirational guy. I'll be reading the rest of his book while on the plane to...


You'll definitely be getting a show on Friday...now off to the airport
Author of Down For Whatever, Fred Smith, Clarence Nero and Myself
@ Clarence Nero's Los Angeles promo stop.

11.07.2006

Girl Please!

LOL.

So, the nigga pulled a fast one and decided he wanted to cancel the ticket, which left me in a scramble to purchase another one to make my Wednesday night flight. I don't understand why people like to play games. LOL. I'm just glad that I done burned off all this drama and I'm back to my normal self...where I can be thoroughly entertained by the antics of idiots and stupid situations.

I was standing on the sidewalk today enjoying life. It was hot as hell, but I was just thinking how much I take for granted in my life. It dawned on me when I walked into KFC and the girl at the counter was depressed...I could tell she didn't like her job, shit I didn't like mine either, but what would it be like IF I HAD to work at KFC? I told her a joke and I brightened her day. That brightened mine.

I was sitting at my desk today, not bothered by Mork & Mindy (My supervisors who I can't really stand and they really can't stand me either...) and one of my co-workers who usually greets me with a big loud "TARRANCE!!!" didn't say anything. He just walked past. I knew something was up. When he came past my desk again, I asked him if he was okay he said "He's alright." I told him that I was concerned and I noticed that he wasn't himself...and if he wanted to talk, I would listen. He started to cry a little bit, but he said just me being concerned and noticing he wasn't himself was enough not to make him want to kill himself when he went home that night.

I stood there, dead silent. When I was just where he was a few days ago. I listened to everything he was going through and it was like looking in the mirror...I think today it was confirmed how much power I really had.

Then that brought me to my friends. How we all interact. I've thought about friends I lost. Friendships I've never mended. And being in a clear mindset what am I doing to value the true people in my life.


The Art Of Friendship:

Your truest friend, when they see you as you really are, will never run away.

Friends don't avoid trouble-they develop a capacity to handle it.

A friend is someone who understands our doubts and uncertainties and sees our worth beyond them.

Friends should hold onto each with both hands, that way neither can sling mud.

When your friend goes off the rails, remember that even the good egg may be slightly cracked.

The friendship that survives is the one that continues after the fighting and beyond the arguments.

Friendship is something we offer even those we offer it to are unable to acknowledge our help or show any gratitude (The hardest one...)

People will often sacrifice things of great importance to themselves for the sake of a friend.

Hate me for who I am rather than love me for who I am not.

When you enter into a friendship knowing there will be times when you are going to hurt and be hurt, you can apologize and forgive each other in advance.

Don't give up your friends...it will take a lifetime to forget them.

FRIENDS ARE NEVER AFRAID TO TELL EACH OTHER HOW THEY FEEL...

Our friends love us for our faults.

Moments of unhappiness will show us where our true friendships lie.

Friendship is, after all, another kind of marriage and is just as liable to divorce.

Friendship is infinitely more demanding than love.

Friendship is the acid test that affirms our fundamental worth.

Friendship isn't a hobby, it's a full-time occupation.

Friends somehow get past the things that bother us about ourselves and manage to like us anyway.

Friends will go out of their way to forgive each other.

No friend has ever been hurt by anything they didn't say.

True friendship can never be broken, weakened or strained; it can only be tested.

And finally:

False friends are nothing more than shadows. They choose to walk through life with us while the sun shines, but in our dark moments they disappear from sight.

What kind of FRIEND have you been?

11.06.2006

Mending: The Aftermath & A Tell All

I've never been one to downplay my issues. I almost think that I've been too vocal about them, but hey, the only we we can learn is through discussion. That's a problem, we don't communicate enough about what we're going through.

Right in the midst of my issues...I further spilled my gut to The Queer Kid Of Color. You can read my interview on his site.

I've been feeling better, although I'm not completely over it. I don't know if I ever will. Especially when you've tried extremely hard to make something work and it doesn't, not once but twice. But I knew going into it, well maybe half way down the line that it wasn't all the way healthy for me, especially when I've done nothing but extend myself, bend over doing back flips while having my left leg in the air. Silly me...

But God knows exactly what he's doing. There is a lesson to be learned in every situation. I'm learning mine now.

I saw him yesterday, just to get my ring back.

He looked a mess. I could tell he was hurt, especially since we both avoided eye contact for most of the conversation. But we both made it clear to cut it. But he's so ridiculous he couldn't even admit his wrong doing, I didn't expect an apology and of course I was ready to hear his blah, blah, blah tactics on blaming ME, for entire situation crumbling the way it did.

I'm fine. My weekend was great. I spent time with close friends that I hadn't seen in a while and it was good hanging out with and I realized that he never really fit into my caliber of friends. I realized how selfish I am, for thinking that no one cared about me and the damage I would have ultimately done to everyone if I had gone through with killing myself and how their lives would never be the same.

I'm grateful. I need to refocus and get it together and quit playing!

I'll be taking a well needed break from L.A., I'll be on a red eye to a place where I can meet some new people, build some better relationships, get some peace and have some real fun... I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Thanks to everyone who sent out a prayer for me.
Thanks to Jherimi & Erika for always being there even though our lives keep us busy.

Everything changes, nothing remains without change.

11.03.2006

Credible.

I showed up for work at the studio tonight. But nothing came out. So I decided to write.

When I walked onto the freeway on-ramp as if I was a car on Wednesday, I knew that I was going to end my life. I didn't plot it out. I didn't think. I was numb. I was tired. I had reached my breaking point.

Many of you have watched me chip away everyday. And while I don't share everything that goes on with me, you get bits and pieces that elude to a bigger problem.

Iceberg.

We only see the surface. We never see whats underneath. Whats beyond the naked eye.

For the last few months, I've been under intense pressure, stress, whatever you want to call it. I had a house in escrow-that fell out. I have a day job that I hate, only because I need to show some "source" of income, since royalty statements aren't exactly the way to show you can pay mortgage especially since my royalty statements aren't what they were lets say...6 months ago.

I was involved with a stupid ass nigga that doesn't even love himself...what was I thinking?

I've lost focus of my project and while had some grasp of it, I've lost motivation to re-complete the book, especially after the computer decided to be niggerish that night and then my staff to just fall off and not say anything. I kinda just threw my hands up.

And while not knowing how to really take a break and step back...I had to start it all over again.

Last week I was in the hospital. My blood pressure was 190/101 and kept climbing.

And the demons of fat, ugly, stupid, not-worthy, insecurity resurfaced stronger than before. And while I stopped eating and was on a weed induced coke binge for 4 days out 7 this week, I thought I was masking it pretty well. And when did I pick up a drug habit? I had to check myself on that shit QUICK.

Yet and still, I'm loyal. I give unselfishly, I love hard. I still turn around and no one is there. I still think that people lie to me about everything, people lie to me about liking me, loving me...whatever.

I don't ask people for much, in fact I don't ask them for shit. I work hard, I complete my goals to get what I want...All I ask for is RESPECT and HONESTY. But it seems as if those two things are too much to ask.

I got into a car accident Tuesday night. Out of no where the breaks on my truck went out and conveniently, SPRINT decides she wants to show her ass-so my phone isn't working. Something told me to cancel my plans with Orlando. Why was I even with him, I should have been done and not withdrew my word to self...So I pull into a Sprint store after the guy I was rear ended was cool. He let me go since I only hit him at a slow speed. I tried to get my phone working while I relentlessly called Orlando to tell him what happened. Why would I think he cared? Anyway...long story short, I told him I needed a ride to work the next day. He asked me "Why are you asking me that?"

I got in my breakless car and went home. Pissed. So he calls me at 3 a.m. and we argue about why I don't want him coming to pick me up. In the back of my mind I am saying I don't want to be around you or be in the same airspace as you after you roll up from some other niggas house. ESPECIALLY DANIEL.

I obliged. I told him I had to be at work at 9 to clean out my desk and to have a meeting with my boss...

Why this nigga roll up to my house at 8:45 and I work 30 minutes away? NIGGAS!

At 8:20 when I saw he wasn't serious, I had to call my momma to come and get me and that pissed me off cause I haven't fucked with her in a whole 7 days. That was my breaking point.

I was a mess, walking around crying harder...well I wont use that analogy...

Here it is a simple task, pick me up for work. But you're late cause you laid up with some nigga. That iced the cake from all the other shit.

I don't know how I did it but I got to work on time....but I was only there two hours cause I was an emotional wreck, sitting at my desk in tears, trying not to knock over everything in my office in an emotional rage. Not to mention I had to pull 700 outta my ass to get my car fixed...did I mention I lost 60,000 on a bad house deal? Did I mention that I lost an additional 1400.00 because someone cheated with Daniel after we planned a weekend getaway? You get the picture.

My demons, dumb ass niggas, my family, thinking about my Grandmother and Tuesday dying...the only two people that really cared about me (or care about me the way I thought people should care) and whatever else I forgot to mention...I had enough.
So it led me to the freeway on-ramp.

As soon as I was about to pull a Tina Turner (Yall remember when Angela Bassett ran across that freeway runnin from Ike...) a light came on...and it said NIGGA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU COPING OUT FOR? YOU GOT A SISTER TO LIVE FOR! YOU'VE GOT A BOOK TO FINISH! YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE LOTTA PEOPLE LOOKING UP TO YOU!!!

...Even if I didn't think it or people never stop to tell me how much they care. Even if I did only get 20% back out of the 100+% that I give...

It's not like I haven't been here before. It always goes down with me in November for some reason...oddly enough, just like the title of my new book. I've come Full Circle.

Life isn't without cause. I had to go to my therapist quickly...It's amazing what an hour chat can do.

So I'm calm.
The treadmill has been my friend for the last 48 hours.
Rahsaan has been on my I-Pod.
I've been riding the train for the past couple of days...that's interesting.
I spent time with my sister.
I listened to my brother yell at me after I spilled my guts to him...I need to visit him.
I flushed the remaining products.
I got my car out of the shop...I forgot about that little stash...thats gone. LOL, so what.

Focus,
not on the rudeness of others, not on what they've done or left undone,
but on what you have and not have done yourself.

11.02.2006

The Aftermath...Not Dr. Dre

I'm good. I'm around....but of course that's without cause.
There has been drama....when isn't there drama?
I'll explain it all on the show tomorrow....

10.31.2006

Brokenheart & A Wet Vagenis

I wonder what the kids are going to come up with tonight for Halloween. For some reason I am scared out of my wits to go outside the house today, especially since the fools at work are dressing up. Nigga I come to work in my costume everyday: Happy to be there, chipper like that white bitch at the front desk when I am really saying fuck you all, gimme my check on Friday and stay the fuck outta my way. I am so tempted to come to work out of costume and be a stone cold black-bitch-rebel...One day out of the year I can be myself in the corporate world...in fact, thats not a bad idea.

So besides recuperating from the obvious, I am actually enjoying life today. Thanks to Shawn for sending me a text message mid-morning it made me feel better. Seeing that I put Orlando and a few other people on ice...

I've been feeling really inspired today. I've never been one to limit myself to one thing in life, because I am aware of my talent (everyone else isn't) and I don't want to put myself in the "blogger" only box when I write, produce and do a lot of other things that I haven't shared yet. A few people have amazed me today. Everyday I learn something new about the talented pool of Black Gay men who shape our world to be a better Place:

Darian, The guy who I'm privileged to call a personal friend. Reading his blog everyday is inspiring. Just to see him so dedicated to providing a platform where people can get a mix of entertainment, politics, life and a bit of humor is hot! He's definitely making his mark on the world, be sure to check out his blog.

Alphonso, the man who has taught me so much about life and inspiring me on a daily basis. I'm fortunate to call him a friend too. He's a brilliant writer, he has a giving heart and a bigger spirit that a lot of people don't get to see.
The Queer Kid of Color, at only 18 he's trailblazing the new generation of Queer advocacy for minorities. He has a monthly column in Clik Magazine and he's producing/creating 2 Television series that I feel are going to change the face of not only television history, but black gay history. For him to be young, dedicated, smart, focused and determined helps me sleep better at night, knowing that someone is involved to make sure that our stories are told and our voice are heard.

Clarence Nero, who I'm very excited to meet. He'll be in Los Angeles next week to Promote his book, Three Sides To Every Story. Which came out earlier this month and has garnered much critical acclaim. His book, set in New Orleans, Pre-Katrina tales the story of Johnny, James and Tonya who are caught in a love triangle. Johnny who goes to jail for killing Tonya's ex, meets James in jail and you know what goes down from there...the story spills on to the streets after both their release...get the book to know the rest. Clarence is a cool guy and I'm sure there will be an interview from him very soon.



Although life sometimes gets in the way of what it is that we set out to do. But I'm living proof that you can find your own success with perseverance and determination.

What would you do if you couldn't fail?

10.30.2006

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

Why am I so fuckin stupid (LOVE)? I swear on my dead fathers grave that I am really about to have a conniption up in this muthafucka. Last week was the most hectic week ever (Wait aren't they all). I seriously need to get on the ball and quit playing, because the longer I allow people to dominate my thinking the longer it is going to take me to reach my pinnacle of success that I know that I deserve.

I can’t stand Orlando. I love him, but I can’t stand him. I actually thought that this time it was going to work, but I see it’s not. I’m the only one in our relationship. He’s a selfish, impatient, overindulgent, weak, delusional, narcissist. But all that is masked by his gregariously optimistic personality.

I kid you not; this muthafucka has no RESPECT for me what so ever. That should have been made clear when I was laid up in a hospital bed from a car wreck when he was at home fucking Daniel all over the house and to think he made the scorecard even. It wasn’t right for me to fuck James after our first big arguement, but I only did it because I knew that HE wasn’t fully involved in the relationship and plus I was mad, I knew he was out doing his dirt and I wasn't about to go out not to get mine either, especially since he wants to ack funny when... Two wrongs don’t make a right. Maybe it was my karmic revenge coming back, I deserved it, but I am still the one holding the glue in this relationship together. I’m slowly melting.

When he gets enough gall to call me (I am not calling him because I am tired of the one making issues out of everything, even if it is out of love) I am ending this shit. I told him two days ago, when you are with me, don't make any plans after me cause you are with me . At Shanice’s party last night he taps me on the shoulder at 11 talking about lets go cause he has to go hang out with a "friend." Nigga Déjà vu, except neither one of is Beyonce. Friends don’t hang out at 11 at night. I told him, days ago, when he pulled this same stunt at Don Antonio’s that I wasn’t a time filler and I am not coming second to these other niggas that don’t mean shit to you...I mean I was there when his brother died, I cooked for his family, I had his back and none of his friends even showed up to the funeral. I drove an hour and sat there out of love, concern and support but he wants to act stupid...he knows he's fucked up. That’s why I am not saying shit to his dumb ass; this is exactly why the car ride home last night was silent and still. Then the nigga had the nerve to ask for a hug before I even cut the car off.

This is what I am talking about; it dawned on me in my sleep. All of my relationships are like the ones with my mother, a volatile loveæhate. Some days you like them and some days you wish they would just fall off...Why and the hell do I keep attracting these bastards that doesn't even know how to be a friend? I wouldn’t pull 1/10 of the shit these niggas pull. But, this is apart of my balancing act that I am conquering before the end of the year.

And speaking of my bitch ass mother. We already know how I feel about her. I can’t wait to see her face crack in half when this new deal goes through. All the fat, stupid, non-talented jokes she’s sneered at me on the side, while trying to play supportive mother in the public eye…will eat her rotten demonic soul alive. This will be for all of the stacks of newspaper articles I’ve written that sat in envelopes by the floor that remained unopened in college. Motivation.
I made it through the week, after they tried to hospitalize me twice for my blood pressure being so high.

Orlando and my punk ass excuse for a mother driving me bananas, more so him. Cause he lied and said he would be there and he wouldn’t. I told him my dreams and he pretended to listen. I talked till I was blue in the face and he didn’t hear me. He played with my sister and she loves him. And to think I was going to make a home with him and wake up next to a gorgeous man who doesn’t even love himself as much as Tarrance loves him makes me sick to my stomach. I have to give it up. All that lip service followed up by asinine actions should have stopped me a long time ago. I’m better than this. I deserve way more than what I am getting. It was fun while it lasted. And entertaining the thought of him in my life forever was grand…but I see, just as it’s always been, it’s just me….and my alter ego.


10.26.2006

So....

I just got in from an interesting night out with him.

He was supposed to be at my house earlier in the day, but something, as usual came up. I didn't trip just as long as he is upfront with me I can handle the delay, cause I'm a procrastinator and more than likely, I ain't gonna be ready anyway, so it's all good.

When he finally got here, it was after seven, (ready or not). I had just gotten back from the hospital. The Dr. put me on these meds for my stress headaches, so we'll see how they work out...

Nonetheless, the night was without incident.

I ask him when we get in the car, salad or Mexican...it could go either way. He said salad...great cause since I am on pretend diet 34 C for the year it was all good. He knew where we were going, and he waits all the way until we get there to decide that he didn't want salad (mind you we got out of the car and walked to the door when he told me he changed his mind). So he's like there's Baja Fresh next door. NO! I wanted authentic Mexican food.

If you ever come to L.A. or you're in L.A. one of the hot spots for Mexican food and killer margarita's is Don Antonio's over on Pico Blvd. So the wait is thirty minutes...he decides that's too long because "his friend" may call and he may have to go take him his birthday card. I WAS PISSED!

Don't ever place me on a time limit or use me as a time filler. What the fuck do I look like? Not to mention you're canceling quality time on me to go give some random as nigga a birthday card and you couldn't even show up to my party! YOU STAYED ON THE PHONE WITH ME THE NIGHT OF MY PARTY and not only that YOU WERE WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! SO KISS MY ASS NIGGA!

Don't think I didn't let him have it, especially since I had to SETTLE for BAJA FRESH 20 MINUTES AWAY FROM THE ORIGINAL LOCATION. I SWEAR NIGGAS DON'T BE ON THAT ACK RIGHT...
I bit into his ass like a baby bites a teething biscuit. He didn't want none. Hmmm. I bet that will be the last time he pulls a stunt like that.

I told him the next time he has plans before or after we hangout (and it better not be after cause the only thing you need to be doing after me is fucking me or going to bed, fuck hanging out with "the boys,") I need not to be involved in plans that night, because spending time with me has no limits. UNDERSTAND? -WHERE IS THE DANISH WHEN YOU ARE STRESSING-

After our brief argument (the first where we actually made up on the spot...he's working on it)
we tipped over to starbucks and to The Abbey, where we have been attempting to complete our slated-1 day project (now day 3) met a drunk white woman who insisted on buying us drinks...I was leary, he obliged.

The night ended...but before that, I got out of the car to go pick up my prescription on the way home, he took control of my I-Pod as I got out. I didn't realize it, but...when I got back in the car, some familiar music was playing. It was very crafted, hand picked...It was a play list, "Thinking About My Baby..."

10.24.2006

The High Road...I Missed The Memo.

I don't know how or why I missed the memo that along side DIDDY'S Album which is sure to be a mist of yesterday, JoJo released her sophomore set, The High Road.

I thoroughly enjoy JoJo and all she has to offer. Her first album which debuted a few years back is one of my favorites and it was really slept on. But we finally got around to giving the white girl, who actually holds a torch to Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, and Monica...her due ex post facto, disc 1.

The new set The High Road, didn't quite give me what I needed, not to say it wasn't a good or a solid album, I am getting really tired of CD's that have that same identifiable beat/track/sound to them, think Rodney Jerkins or the Neptunes when they first came out.

The CD isn't what I would have expected from the girl who isn't singing from her 16 year old training bra, but instead putting her diaphragm to good use on her lead single, Too Little, Too Late. Lyrically the album is there, vocally the album is there although she could have really showed out and showed us what she's workin' wit...production wise, she could have come with a better sound that actually would have catapulted her to the R&B realm in which she could possibly stand on her own two feet and pay some veterans dust with one note. Needless to say, JoJo reminds me of what Christina Aguilera use to be.

JoJo is one of those artists that get their recognition long after their time...but the scenario reminds me alone of Brandy. We liked her but we didn't, but when Full Moon came out that CD put her on the map and unfortunately I don't think we'll ever see that pinnacle again from her. I wish JoJo can get to that Full Moon point, put out a CD that we can lock in a time vault and put on our top 10 CD list of all time...

The album is okay, I purchased the album and was kinda shaky. I admit it's gonna take me a minute to get into this CD...maybe a week or two, but the way I am feeling right now I need someone who is going to come with it on track 1 and not play me.

JoJo...you're playing me...

Standout Tracks:
Like That
Anything
The Way You Do Me
Coming For You.

I'm in between....

10.23.2006

Thank You For Being A Friend...

"...Sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your name, dah-dah-dah..."

But as of late, I haven't been feeling that way. I FINALLY got out of my funk and hung out with two of my friends that I haven't enjoyed in a really long time. My girl Jiaia and my married with-child-friend, Donisha. We went to my favorite brunch spot yesterday (the one I've been trying to take that boy to, but he don't be on that ack-right when I wanna go) sat out on the water had about two bottles of champaigne and got it right...

It felt good just to release and catch up with people who KNOW YOU and ACCEPT YOU. We talked about our relationships, what were learning, what we've been through, what we're going to do to change...in addition to that, I finally found a therapist that I enjoy...

I've been juggling a lot...that's always going to be...but I finally got my moment of clarity for me. I'm back to give you your weekly dose of Trent...

I had to take a break, while I realize that I am here to make you laugh, cry and think...it's unfair when no one is in that place to do it for me.

Yeah, I have friends and people who support me, but who's gonna REALLY do it for me?
It's all apart of that balancing problem I have...

In the meanwhile, I'll be enjoying the views in my new room....

10.17.2006

Girl, Sit Down and Fall Back.

I'm not one for rap or hip hop, unless it's DJ Quik, who is my favorite, ultimate rapper. I used to like Ludacris, but um, he has gotten pretty weak over the years...which leads me to Sean, I used to dance in backgrounds while catching the bus back and forth from Howard U to NYC to be Andre Harrell's main squeeze, only to figure out I was gay, to change my name from Puff Daddy, Puffy, P-Diddy, all the while making a press release each time only to drop it to Diddy.

But I can't forget how you used proactive before Jessica Simpson and Vanessa Williams, made a bitch-hiss-fit out of it...I mean damn Puffy were you the guinea pig for proactive? Airbrush....

Okay girl. Your latest attempt to revive your "Bad Boy," label which has been on a jet fueled-rocket ship to hell because you let groups like 112 and TOTAL go, you could have kept Carl Thomas and Faith but you chose to let your claim to fame be B.I.G. which ironically was the BIGGEST thing literally and figuratively...well wait, there was Faith, prior to hanging out with Whitney...anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, Miss. Puffy, sit down. Your latest TRASH...blah. Why do I even waste my time girl? 20 tracks of trash....This girl had the nerve to sit up and enlist a guest star on each track...all that shit sounds like trash, however there are like 7 tracks worth downloading.

Special Feeling Featuring, Mika Lett
Tell Me, Featuring, Christina Aguilera
Wanna Move, Featuring, Big Boi, Ciara and Scar (is he from the Lion King)
Last Night, Featuring Keyshia Cole
Through The Pain, Featuring Mario (Puffy's Boyfriend) Winans
Partners For Life, Featuring Puffy's Other Boyfriend Jamie Foxx

BLAH. Done. Don't buy this shit...lets remember Puffy and his contribution to "All About The Benjamins"

10.16.2006

Habitual not Seasonal

403 posts later, the ones who have read me from the start or keep up with me, can almost pinpoint the exact moment when I am going to take an unscheduled, life-sponsored sabbatical. The thing is you never know how long they are going to last...

It's over.

As hard as is it for me to admit, publicly, I have a balance problem. I've always had it and I don't think that I can fix it...or i don't know which way to go about fixing it. I've either always done too much or not enough. Said too much or didn't say anything. Did too many things at once...trying to please everyone, you get it.

Trying to go to work everyday, ( even if it's just for the medical benefits, lunch and out of pure boredom) re-finish a book that I've finished twice, edit a TV show, record a radio show twice a week, be a friend, plan my 25th birthday party, be a part-time celebrity, argue an breakup 25 times with my on again off again boyfriend not to mention try and get all this extra guttage that has been there for too long. It sounds like nothing, but it's a whole lot...

I work on my issues....but as of late my issues have been more personal than professional. Although right before I went into production for my book in late August my whole team fell apart, so aside for reshuffling the deck trying to find a new editor, tweak the cover and hire new personnel, I've been pissed and stressed...with people who can't communicate and keep their end of a deal. It sends me in a blitzed frenzy, fucks with my credibility as an artist and makes me look like an idiot in front of the whole world.

So while I have to rewrite my game plan for Full Circle and my personal life...I've figured out that the later is seasonal and everything happens for a reason. This isn't the first time this has happened.

My week ended on a good note, I was depressed all of last week, excuse me for not giving you a show...I read the emails.

I've been spending a lot of time with myself. I've been working out more...and reading my book...for clarity.

I made up with him...

I'm enjoying life again and I'm ready to get things into action...

Thank you Lalah for the treadmill chat. Steve thank you for brunch and being in my face even when I don't feel like looking or talking to anybody. M-Roc, thank you for finally opening up and saying what needed to be said. Carlyn thank you for understanding my decisions and not judging what I do...you understand and that's all I ever wanted.

10.12.2006

Thoughts on a Thursday...

1. Who do people think they be foolin? I mean lookin’ you dead in the eye and lying like that? So unattractive.
2. Just when you get ready to put somebody on full blast, they come with a lame email or a phone call. Bitch PAHLEASE…is that really supposed to stop me from letting people know not to fuck with yo’ silly ass.
3. Don’t you date someone to become something more?
4. Why you gotta lie Craig?
5. That picture has definitely been photo shopped.
6. Silence isn’t always the best answer.
7. I’m really feelin’ Monica’s song, “So Raw.”
8. You can have all the ambition in the world but if you ain’t focused or determined, where u gonna go?
9. Why do people waste so much time talking about how people are flaky, then they become flakes too?
10. It just now dawned on me that people know who I am. If one more person yells Trent Jackson while I am walking down the street…First it was Target, then it was the clubs, then the grocery store…I should re-think this.
11. Somebody has to tell the truth.
12. Codeine does not work for a bruised rib…and if they don’t take this girdle looking thing off of me.
13. I don’t understand people who don’t or won’t work.
14. 2007 is my year.
15. I don’t feel bad about writing that book anymore. Just when you start to second-guess your ability here comes someone new to say “thank you, for writing that.” It truly does bring a smile to my face.
16. Would you believe me if I told you that I had sex with a girl on Monday and I actually enjoyed it? Does this mean I am Bi?
17. I want that baby.
18. Of course he thinks I don’t know…but I do.
19. People can see through it. You may not mind many people, but you’re gonna mind somebody.
20. The past is apart of your present and your future.
21. Believe in yourself and everyone else will too.
22. Great love and great success means taking a big risk.
23. I wish people would take responsibility for their actions.
24. “Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly…”
25. Allow yourself to breathe and think…Solitude is important.

10.11.2006

Musical Interlude

You know. I couldn't possibly record another sad love song tonight.
I was too pissed and too amped to go another spiteful rage at my FRIEND.
So I have to take a break. I'm sorry. I sat there and I tried very hard...but It kept going back to me being nice.

I try to hard to make it work, but I wish niggas would stop finding things wrong with me! The only thing I am guilty of is loving his silly, clown ass.

Anyway.

I did want to mention, Ellen Levar's new show, Hair Trauma. Ellen is the Weave-A-Diva to the stars and her new show debut's tonight on WE. Check it out.

Meanwhile enjoy the music...

10.10.2006

My Favorite Hollywood Couple.


Have you ever met or saw someone and you just knew that they belonged together? Well, that's what I've always said about Kenny Lattimore & Chante Moore. I had the privilege to meet them earlier this year...and their glow of love is so abundant and sincere, just thinking about it gives me hope to look forward to will come.

Today is the day that they released, Uncovered/Covered, the follow-up to their 2003 CD, Things That Lovers Do, which in my opinion was the best cover CD of classic Soul/R&B songs of all time.

Kenny and Chante are two people that I really enjoy in R&B music. Whenever they come out with new music I rush to get it, because it's never a disappointment, always refreshing to hear them, a true relief from radio trash! UGH!

I can’t provide a full review, simply because it is a double disc plus, when you have artists that have lyrical and vocal ability you have to listen 3 times harder than you usually do. Because you get things vocally that Beyonce or Usher can’t do. Not that Kenny and Chante are to be compared to such mediocre talent, cause there is no comparison-but, you have to pay attention to Kenny’s low range that is trembling to the spinal cord and Chante’s upper register, a la Minnie Ripperton.

Just on first listen you are taken by the couples rendition of ‘Love Ballad.’ It opens with a thin, warm, crisp like whisper from Chante that is on point, that takes you back to her Precious CD (yes I’ve been a fan from the gate).

The R&B CD boasts a cover of Sade’s ‘No Ordinary Love,’ that Kenny and Chante work over to the point where you think it’s their original song. It fits them perfect because it is truly autobiographical for them.

Kenny and Chante bring some original tunes, including my personal Favorite “Figure It Out.” It’s about a couple who needs some space-to make their relationship better. Some other standout tracks on the R&B disc include, ‘The Good Life,’ ‘Tonight (2 Step),’ and ‘Vocal Booth.’

It’s obvious that Kenny & Chante love the lord, not only cause they made a gospel CD, but have both publically spoke about their relationship with God not to mention Kenny has included at least one gospel track on each of his albums (It takes you to listen to ‘Healing’ from his weekend album on repeat…that low range is a force to be reckoned with. NOT A ONE MALE VOCALIST CAN DO THAT IN R&B, SO FALL BACK)

The gospel disc, which I am still listening to at 4 a.m. is giving me a nice contemporary feel which is easily enjoyable…although, not to say that it’s not present, but I haven’t heard a gospel song that has put me in that ‘mood.’ You know the kind where you want to fall out and do a pentecostal two step while crying cause you’ve been convicted when go to church. However, the gospel CD boasts tracks, ‘To Me, You’re Everything, ‘Your Name,’ ‘I Give You My Praise,’ and ‘I Just Love To Praise You.’

The couple definitely did something different. A gospel and an R&B CD. They did more than pull it off. Many people can try something, but very few are effective at it. I love them as a couple but I love them as a duo, their love and talent truly compliments each other. There is no ego, no bigger star. That is a beautiful thing to see, to hear and experience. It just further annoys me how uberly talented people never get their due. Both artists are phenomenal.

Never been a fan? Get the CD you’ll understand why Trent Jackson gives them his STAMP OF APPROVAL and you’ll want to go back and get their CD’s a Solo Artists.

Chante Moore:
Precious (Love’s Taken Over, It’s Alright, I wanna Love like that again)
Love Supreme (Thank You For Loving Me, Mood, Searchin’, I’m What You Need)
This Moment is Mine (Chante’s Got A Man, Easy, I cry to myself,)
Exposed (Straight Up, Love’s Still Alright, Better Than Makin’ Love)

Kenny Lattimore:
Kenny Lattimore (For You, Forever, Just What It Takes, Always Remember)
From The Soul Of Man (Trial Separation, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Well Done)
Weekend (Can U Feel Me, Weekend, Healing, Right Down To It)