I was just jogging thru my archives...and came across my entry for May 16, 2006. Reading it, I realized that my life, our lives, come Full Circle...which happens to be the title of my next book....
Come with me as I revisit the past....HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY JANET!!!
My weekend was great. It was so fun spending time and being one with myself. I watched White Chicks, and I watched a lot of my home movies that I haven’t seen in a while. It was great to see what I was doing 4 years ago and how my life has just fallen into place. How I planned my life to become Trent Jackson and how he is slowly evolving into the persona and figure that I want him to be.
I think the highlight of my weekend was layin’ on my back with my legs cocked up watchin’ Desperate Housewives wishin that Shawn Wayans would paint my sugar walls white, with his thick juicy love, but instead I played with my mandingo, industrial strength, swivel head, multi-orgasmic, stroke me down baby 3500 model dildo that the homie sent me a few weeks back.
Last night I watched Tupac Resurrection on Showtime. Tupac was a great Black man. My appreciation and my fondness of him as a person didn’t grow on my until I watched his self-narrated documentary in it’s entirety. We have a lot in common. As far as our expression of life, as it is for us. Our narrative, our need, and want to better for our people and our lives. Our rawness, candidness, our openness, and willingness to let people experience life outside of their own for a moment. He’s brilliant. And his song of life inspires me to continue on to share my story.
Me and my mom have been bonding for the last few days-which is a good thing. Me and my mother have definitely had our differences. The normal teenage stuff, her dealing with my sexuality, her finally being comfortable and accepting it more and more everyday. Her learning who I am, my experience, who I want to become…normal conflict. But I am fortunate for the bond that is forever growing and strengthening.
As children we don’t recognize the sacrifices that our parents make and we don’t see the struggle that they go through to make their children happy. They try their dammed best to give us everything they didn’t have; and though not anywhere near perfect, we often blame them for things that they didn’t have power over. We never realize the cycles in our lives. The cycles that are parents our apart of, and if they aren’t smart enough to break the chains, they pass them on to their children; hence making the same mistakes that their parents made with them.
I always blamed my mother and family for not supporting me enough. The mental anguish that they put me through; calling me stupid, calling me fat, not listening to me, and hearing me strive for my creative expression. The things that hurt me and ultimately setup a crimson stain of insecurity that at 23, I am just now getting over.
I wrote my book as a way to get over my problems, my issues, that I recognize that we all as humans share. I put it out there on the line so people could learn and understand that they weren’t the only ones going through something. If you can read my story about how I was insecure, how I was molested for a year, how I lost my father and grandmother to murder, how I felt out of place, and how I made a mold to be content within myself, anyone can survive and be productive in their own rite. My book is and always will be very personal to me, it’s my story, it’s very revealing and it helped me heal who I am, and it has created the strong person that you all know as Trent Jackson.
As I begin my week, I am grateful. I am grateful that my family is getting stronger everyday. I am grateful that our past isn’t who we are as people today. It is just simply a reminder, a stepping-stone, a growth, a tenth of who we use to be. I am grateful and excited that I have a cousin who is getting ready to be released from jail. A relationship that I am looking forward to mending. I am grateful for my expression and art of life. For I never know what will happen, where my road will lead, where it will end. But with each experience, I learn something new everyday.
I enjoy life for all of its simplicities and complexities. I am just another person in the world interacting on a plane sharing my experience, learning from yours. Blessing others with my gifts.
I am grateful for all of you who show me support. Who stay interested and who are manifestations of this gift. Life is beautiful. Learn how to accept life for what it is. Don’t let it get the best of you.