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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

11.29.2006

Witty Wednesday!!!

If you can't hear autoplay, click HERE

11.28.2006

Excerpt...From My New Book, Full Circle

There was something about Rodney that I just couldn’t put my finger on. It was his charm. It was his comfort with me being gay. It was his comfort in me being myself. I liked that more than anything…and I had to keep reminding myself that he was straight. Which I think was better for me. Cause if Rodney had been gay, it could and possibly would have messed up our friendship.

We sometimes get sidetracked with people and their personalities. Making them our lovers instead of making them our friends first. Sometimes we will fuck people that are meant to be in our lives for more than a quick booty-call or lust session. So as far as I was concerned, God knew exactly what he was doing by making this man straight. Cause I know if I had a real pussy, I’d be a hoe. God knew what he was doing when he gave me my dangler.

“So quiet?” He asked me.
“No, not quiet. I’m letting you enjoy your Dr. Dre. I know how black men are with their rap music.” I said as I reclined the seat.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He said laughing.
“Just like what I said.”
“Are you saying you ain’t a black man or what? Cause I am lost.
“No, I am just saying that I know how you straight men are into rap. I’m not into rap. I am an R&B boy.” I explained.
“I know plenty of gay dudes that like rap.”
“Well I am not one of them.” I shot back.
“Okay…you made that clear Maverick.” Rodney replied laughing.
“Whatever.”
“So what you wanna hear?”
“Nothing. This will not be a conversation about what you’re playing on your radio.” I replied. “I just wanna-fuh-uh-uh-uck you. No kissin’ and huggin girl you got a husband who love you…” I started singing.
“What? You know this song.” Rodney asked.
“Um, nigga. I do have Chronic 2001, don’ play. It’s Dre all day.”
“I ain’t even gonna ask.” Rodney shot back.

We drove up Stocker to LaCienega, made a right to Rodeo and made a left. We shot up Jefferson until we came to Denny’s, where it was all the way live.

###

“Um, why are you attacking those buffalo wings like that?” I asked as I laughed at him.
“Why are you eating yours all prissy like you don’t want to get messed up?” He asked back, smacking and sucking on the bones.
“You are such a boy. It’s so very cute.” I responded.
“What does that mean?” Rodney asked back with a weird look on his face.
“Exactly what I said Rodney.”
“Are you saying you aren’t a boy?”
“The dichotomy of straight and gay men is rigid. Complex. You have those men who are au natural, as I like to say or naturally masculine. There isn’t any pretense. They just are boys. Everything about them is man. They take off their socks, draws, shoes and drop them in that one spot and leave them, just like straight men. Then we have those who are hyper-masculine. Those who immolate those who are au natural. They want to be boys, but deep down in their hearts they are bitches and they don’t want to be seen as bitches, because think they are less than…which isn’t necessarily true, because what makes a real man Rodney? It isn’t the way he acts? It isn’t watching football, it isn’t drinking beer. It’s your responsibility and taking care of business and understanding life. Admitting to your faults, not judging people. You know.”

“Hmmm…tell me more.” Rodney said still smacking, only licking his fingers this time.

“Then we have ‘The Pinks’ those who think like women. They don’t necessarily act like women. ‘The Pinks’ were more than likely raised by their mothers or some other woman. So they have the women’s intuition, the women’s emotion. They are very much men, but there’s that additional element.

“So you would be pink?” Rodney asked as if he already knew the answer.

“Some would say. But I think so.”

“Okay…you are. Finish.” He demanded as he bit another buffalo wing.

“Then you have full all out, ‘girls.’ They twitch, they twirl, and you mistake them for cheerleaders. They have that stereotypical gay look. They want you to know that they’re gay. They’re over the top, loud, boisterous. Over bearing, something like big bird. You know all of the feathers loud colors, very Liberace.” I explained while dipping one of my seasoned fries in the ranch dressing.

“You know Maverick. You’re very entertaining. You need to be on T.V. have you found those tapes yet?”

“We already know how I feel about the tapes Rodney. But I’ll show you.”

He sat there with an awkward look on his face. It was something about the way he looked that revealed exactly who he was. It came very clear to me. It was one of those moments, where you couldn’t believe it was happening. It was a state of shock. I just sat there, blinked my eyes and let the warmth of clarity come over my body.

We finished our food. We sat there in a pleasant, eerie state of silence. We paid and left. The car ride wasn’t anything less of what happened the last moments of our meal. He opened the sunroof, turned on the heater and put the radio on KJLH. It was the night beat, slow mellow music that suited the moment. The air was crisp, a little damp and the sky was turning into an orange purplish color that meant it was almost time for the sun to rise over the downtown skyline, east of where we were.

Rodney scared me for a second. Instead of making a right on Jefferson to back to the hood, he made a right and continued southwest. I sat there in silence, putting all of my trust in wherever he led me this night. For I knew that I was safe. I knew I could trust him. There wasn’t any pretense, for he had already proved to me that he could be trusted, without him saying it.

We made a left on Centinela Blvd right off of Sepulveda blvd. We went under the freeway and off to the left was Loyola Marymount University. We went around the curve, which put us back on Jefferson. The air got thinner, the cold grew more intense. I felt at home. We were going to Playa Del Rey. The beach. One of the lowest points in the city sits right at sea level. It’s secluded and planes from LAX fly right over it. Anytime I am near water. I am tranquil. I am relaxed and I don’t have a care in the world.

As we got closer, Rodney steered the car with his left hand. And rested the right hand hear the gearshift.

“You sleepy?” Rodney asked breaking the silence.
“Yeah, a little. I got the itis.” I said in my late-night sleepy voice.
“You crazy. I just wanted to stop at the beach for a minute sorry for not asking.” Rodney replied.
“It’s all good. I would have stopped you if it was something.” I replied.
“Aiight.”

After I replied, I reclined the seat back and enjoyed the rest of the ride. I rested and I did what I thought was natural. I felt Rodney’s right hand slightly touch my left hand. I didn’t resist. I welcomed his masculine touch instantly. Our hands synced and locked in place while he steered the car to a spot. I wasn’t nervous, scared, or confused. I didn’t ask questions. The car stopped and he let go of my hand. We sat there for another second in silence.

“Maverick, you up?”
“Yeah.”
“You wanna take a walk with me?”
“Aiight.” I replied.

We got out of the car and it was nippy. The wind brushed across my exposed body as the waves of the ocean soothed me while the night’s sky dimly lit a path across the beach. We walked through the sand in silence, taking in the ambience of calm warmth. Rodney stopped. I followed suit. He gently, neatly, sat down in the sand. He looked up at the colorful, majestic almost blue sky.

“You never know where life leads us.” He said out of nowhere in the darkness.
“You’re right.” I replied as I stood beside him.
He lit up a cigarette, before taking a drag he put it out. Then he pulled out a piece of gum and stuck it in his mouth. The moment was weird as the cold continued to grow stronger; I felt his soft, but rugged hand gently touch my calf.

11.27.2006

The Morning After.

I've never been one for casual sex. But damn, I have got to get a release. Cocoa Butter soothing oil and those vivid thoughts of 2002, with Patrick, the greatest sex I've ever had have got to come to an end. Although they reign supreme, and I still haven't found a man that sucks dick like him. He does exactly what I do when I suck dick. He made love to it. He imagined that it was a tongue. He used his tongue to find the spot that made it tick. Not only did he find the spot, he teased it while finding other areas that got the reaction. The reaction that made me stop eating his ass like it was my favorite meal to moan in ecstasy and loose my focus on something that he had been enjoying. The way he worked his mouth around my dick while simultaneously bouncing his firm, muscular trained-naval ass on my face let me know that I knew what I was doing. But again, 4 years ago, isn't today.

As quiet as it's kept. I like ass. I love eating a dude out right before I fuck him, if I decide to. I feel guilty sometimes after fucking a dude in his ass, because I know that I haven't given mine up. And given it up so easily at that. I want a connection when I let a man go inside of me. I want to be able to be on my back, legs over shoulders, while I am staring him in the eye, kissing him intensely while the curve of his dick fits me perfectly. I need that connection. Not to knock ol' boy from last night taking the dick like he was a pro, his ass was tight, his skill lacked, and his head...he could have kept. I would have went down on him to show him what head is supposed to feel like, but I kept looking at the clock, counting down time while asking myself, why the fuck was I here past 2 and I know I had to be up at 7:30 to make it to work on time.

I walked in. He smiled. So did I. He looked better at the club when I last met him a few weeks ago. His conversation, on point. He kept my attention, but then he slipped and said, you're nothing like your show.

Then it hit me. He knew who I was and never revealed it to me. Is this the part where my ego kicks in and I ask myself, did he just want to fuck a quasi-popular homosexual author/entertainer, or was he really into me? Once he told me that he listened to my shows and even cited some of the things I said, I wasn't interested. Because Trent Jackson wasn't there to bask in homoerotic behavior. Tarrance was there. That should have been my cue to leave. But his 6'2 180 physique, mixed in with that cool-boy swagger had me going. He was engaging and after the small, I'm one of your biggest fan bits in his masculine way-It was back to him and the L.L. licking the lips thing.

He asked me if I enjoyed the Bayou Classic game. He knew that I went to Southern. I gave him a nod...

Then he asked me to pull it out. I did. Because the small talk was a waste, especially after the two hour mark. He asked me if I got attached. Too many questions, with obvious answers. NO. I said calmly, while Trent Jackson was in my head queening out.

Damn. He gasped. I wasn't expecting that, he said. I laughed and asked him, what are fat boys supposed to have little dicks? He said no, while grinning. He took me in his mouth, quickly. For someone who was into conversation, he gulped the dick down like Janet Jackson did that strawberry at the end of the So Excited video. Did anyone catch her do that? If not watch it again! That hoe has a deep throat. He didn't. I had to slow him down, give him direction, tell him to use more tongue. A nigga loves tongue action. That makes the head all the better. The inside of the jaws and the lips don't even enhance the head if your tongue at movin...

By the time I bent him over the end of his couch, I barely put the head in. He squirmed take it out. He said it's been a minute and he wanted to get me off sucking my dick. I said okay. One condom wasted...by this time snooze fest had come and gone, this was yawn fest 06 and I had to be at work in 5 hours.

While he started sucking my dick he realized that he wanted Trent Jackson to fuck him...
U fit magnums he asked. I looked down at my dick and told him I wasn't a magnum man. But it fit anyway. Just right...wait, maybe I am a magnum man...

I fucked the shit out of him, till he couldn't take anymore. I did all of my tricks. I moved in a circle. I put it in him and let his muscle grip me while I moved my dick from the muscles between my legs. Hell I even split his cheeks apart and slammed him while he moaned...I told him to shut the fuck up and take my dick...he got silent as a mouse and I heard him moan Trent. Did this nigga want me to talk about him on my show? BLAH!!!

He told me to pull out and I was mad. I didn't and wasn't close to nuttin. The truth was I was bored, so instead of getting up and leaving...I made him suck the tip of my dick while I jacked off. Then I realized I couldn't nut. I wasn't supposed to be having sex with him.

My mind and my heart where somewhere else. I remembered the last time me and Orlando made love, in my bed. I thought about it and the way we were connected...what do you know, I pulled my dick off and shot all on his face...when I realized that I am still in love with my ex.

11.22.2006

Witty Wednesday....

BIAAAAAATCH!!!

Just when I have something IMPORTANT to say...EARTHLINK, AT&T whose ever fault it is...wanna ACK all ghetto with my DSL.

So I'm unable to upload my shit!!!!! FUCKERS! This only infuriates me further. I don't understand how these hoes have their money, ZERO balance and they wanna ack stank! But when a nigga don't pay his bill ERRYTHANG IS FINE. I so feel a
BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU COMPLAINT coming on...

I'm just waiting on SPRINT to follow suit this week.

So no show. Yall ain't got nothing to do on FRIDAY....

11.20.2006

Silly Me

So anyway. Here it is 5 p.m. pacific time. I truly forgot to post last night. but I'll talk about my weekend on my show this week along with a lot of other stuff

11.17.2006

Friday Finale 11.17.06

Hey Folks here it is!!!

Remember Wednesday's Show is combined with Fridays. I am coming up with other ways to play show...but in the meantime, if you can't hear it you can always download I-tunes...or click HERE

11.16.2006

I Know, I know, I know....

So, how about I just combine the Friday Finale and the Witty Wednesday into one...? Great! Got it, good!

Just working, and making massive changes in my life...all for the better...

I'm pretty sure there is going to be another video up soon too.

11.15.2006

Witty Wednesday....

I started recording my show early afternoon Tuesday...but had some things I needed to catch up on.

So while the show isn't done, It will be up tomorrow.

I'm basking in this conversation that I just had with a fellow blogger. It is safe to say that I'm on cloud nine?

Not in that kind of way...but just to be on eye level with someone. But the show will be up tomorrow...

Making massive changes is always a good thing.

A pebble in the water...

11.14.2006

Restoration

I can't help but to always ask the mental question: Why do I always end up getting the short end of the stick?

I'm nice.
I'm genuine.
I give people their respect.
I am honest.
I allow people to be themselves.
I have a great character.
People like me.
I'm easy going.
The list goes on.

I just don't understand people who try to block my shine...or anyone else's shine. I understand that the shit isn't about me...but why hate? There is room for everyone...or is there?

This post is simply about Karma. Reaping what you sow.

I have a better understanding of something now. It's my mental question. And I understand that I always don't get the short end of the stick, even though it may feel like it.

God knows exactly what he's doing, when he's doing it, how he's doing it and why he's doing it.

That brings me to say this. I'm not a hard person to please. A small gesture of kindness or the act of being thoughtful actually brings a tear to my eye.

I was at my friend Tara's house in Jonesborough on Saturday. She had a baby shower (awww how cute) It was a very well put together event. I mean, Tara is as genuine and kind hearted as they come-and I appreciate that so very much. She reminds me a lot of my sister Tuesday...
But-what makes me really love her is the fact that she just gives unselfishly. Her spirit and her heart are beautiful. She has a great set of friends. Her family is beautiful-everything down to her home is beautiful. I just sat there in awe-just saying wow to myself...just to be in an environment where it's calm. Everyone is on one accord. I mean there isn't an ounce of stress or negativity around her...It's amazing. Just to take that in...that rubbed off on me, cause I just thought to myself, this is what life is supposed to be like. Supportive family and supportive friends. Loving and caring for one another without all the pretense. It gave me restoration, that sincere, unconditional, genuine love could be attained.

Friday evening, I hung out with That Dude Right There. We had such a good time. We went out to The Red Chair and got fucked up out of our minds. And it was cool because there is always some element of shade when gay men interact with each other. There is always some silent competition. I mean we all have those friends that always make some sly ass comment-that's really offensive, but they try to play it like its not. They'll say something like "Yeah me and my man love each other and he tore my ass up twice today" knowing that you and your boyfriend just broke up. Even though That Dude Right There, may think that we were just hanging out as friends should, he doesn't know that he gave me restoration, that honest people, that are into building real friendships without all of the, gay bullshit do exist. That gave me something to look forward to.

Thursday was one of the highlights of last week cause I finally got a chance to meet, Kool A.K.A. Brutha Free. Who is one of the most down to earth people that you'll ever want to meet. You know how you're coming from out of town and people are like, yeah we're gonna do this and do that and give a bunch of lip service? Well...he kept his word and not only did he keep it, he came with insight, wisdom, humor a great conversation and balance. I appreciated that. He was just being himself...he doesn't know that I appreciate people for being who they are-and that he gave me restoration that people do and can actually keep their word and that you make time to make people feel welcome.

When it's all said and done, I finally got something back that I put out. It may have took a minute, but it was refreshing to know that all the shit that I've endured the past few months, I was able to bask in real people who all understand and respect the laws of the universe.

11.13.2006

Life In ATL

So for the past few day's I've been thoroughly enjoying myself in ATL. It's been very interesting...but you know where ever I am, something is always bound to go down. Even if it's subtle. I will wait until Wednesday to discuss the things and the people of ATL...in a very direct, round-about, Trent Jackson fashion.

Here is some of what's been going on...

My new home in ATL

Add to My Profile | More Videos

11.08.2006

Out With Trent....

Sorry there isn't a show. There wasn't enough time. I'm trying to pack and catch a plane while trying to be snappy with a post...

I had the pleasure of meeting author Clarence Nero who just released, Three Sides To Every Story, earlier this month, last night at In The Meantime Mens.

It was a really cool event and I got a chance to catch up with old friends and meet Clarence who is a really cool, down to earth, inspirational guy. I'll be reading the rest of his book while on the plane to...


You'll definitely be getting a show on Friday...now off to the airport
Author of Down For Whatever, Fred Smith, Clarence Nero and Myself
@ Clarence Nero's Los Angeles promo stop.

11.07.2006

Girl Please!

LOL.

So, the nigga pulled a fast one and decided he wanted to cancel the ticket, which left me in a scramble to purchase another one to make my Wednesday night flight. I don't understand why people like to play games. LOL. I'm just glad that I done burned off all this drama and I'm back to my normal self...where I can be thoroughly entertained by the antics of idiots and stupid situations.

I was standing on the sidewalk today enjoying life. It was hot as hell, but I was just thinking how much I take for granted in my life. It dawned on me when I walked into KFC and the girl at the counter was depressed...I could tell she didn't like her job, shit I didn't like mine either, but what would it be like IF I HAD to work at KFC? I told her a joke and I brightened her day. That brightened mine.

I was sitting at my desk today, not bothered by Mork & Mindy (My supervisors who I can't really stand and they really can't stand me either...) and one of my co-workers who usually greets me with a big loud "TARRANCE!!!" didn't say anything. He just walked past. I knew something was up. When he came past my desk again, I asked him if he was okay he said "He's alright." I told him that I was concerned and I noticed that he wasn't himself...and if he wanted to talk, I would listen. He started to cry a little bit, but he said just me being concerned and noticing he wasn't himself was enough not to make him want to kill himself when he went home that night.

I stood there, dead silent. When I was just where he was a few days ago. I listened to everything he was going through and it was like looking in the mirror...I think today it was confirmed how much power I really had.

Then that brought me to my friends. How we all interact. I've thought about friends I lost. Friendships I've never mended. And being in a clear mindset what am I doing to value the true people in my life.


The Art Of Friendship:

Your truest friend, when they see you as you really are, will never run away.

Friends don't avoid trouble-they develop a capacity to handle it.

A friend is someone who understands our doubts and uncertainties and sees our worth beyond them.

Friends should hold onto each with both hands, that way neither can sling mud.

When your friend goes off the rails, remember that even the good egg may be slightly cracked.

The friendship that survives is the one that continues after the fighting and beyond the arguments.

Friendship is something we offer even those we offer it to are unable to acknowledge our help or show any gratitude (The hardest one...)

People will often sacrifice things of great importance to themselves for the sake of a friend.

Hate me for who I am rather than love me for who I am not.

When you enter into a friendship knowing there will be times when you are going to hurt and be hurt, you can apologize and forgive each other in advance.

Don't give up your friends...it will take a lifetime to forget them.

FRIENDS ARE NEVER AFRAID TO TELL EACH OTHER HOW THEY FEEL...

Our friends love us for our faults.

Moments of unhappiness will show us where our true friendships lie.

Friendship is, after all, another kind of marriage and is just as liable to divorce.

Friendship is infinitely more demanding than love.

Friendship is the acid test that affirms our fundamental worth.

Friendship isn't a hobby, it's a full-time occupation.

Friends somehow get past the things that bother us about ourselves and manage to like us anyway.

Friends will go out of their way to forgive each other.

No friend has ever been hurt by anything they didn't say.

True friendship can never be broken, weakened or strained; it can only be tested.

And finally:

False friends are nothing more than shadows. They choose to walk through life with us while the sun shines, but in our dark moments they disappear from sight.

What kind of FRIEND have you been?

11.06.2006

Mending: The Aftermath & A Tell All

I've never been one to downplay my issues. I almost think that I've been too vocal about them, but hey, the only we we can learn is through discussion. That's a problem, we don't communicate enough about what we're going through.

Right in the midst of my issues...I further spilled my gut to The Queer Kid Of Color. You can read my interview on his site.

I've been feeling better, although I'm not completely over it. I don't know if I ever will. Especially when you've tried extremely hard to make something work and it doesn't, not once but twice. But I knew going into it, well maybe half way down the line that it wasn't all the way healthy for me, especially when I've done nothing but extend myself, bend over doing back flips while having my left leg in the air. Silly me...

But God knows exactly what he's doing. There is a lesson to be learned in every situation. I'm learning mine now.

I saw him yesterday, just to get my ring back.

He looked a mess. I could tell he was hurt, especially since we both avoided eye contact for most of the conversation. But we both made it clear to cut it. But he's so ridiculous he couldn't even admit his wrong doing, I didn't expect an apology and of course I was ready to hear his blah, blah, blah tactics on blaming ME, for entire situation crumbling the way it did.

I'm fine. My weekend was great. I spent time with close friends that I hadn't seen in a while and it was good hanging out with and I realized that he never really fit into my caliber of friends. I realized how selfish I am, for thinking that no one cared about me and the damage I would have ultimately done to everyone if I had gone through with killing myself and how their lives would never be the same.

I'm grateful. I need to refocus and get it together and quit playing!

I'll be taking a well needed break from L.A., I'll be on a red eye to a place where I can meet some new people, build some better relationships, get some peace and have some real fun... I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Thanks to everyone who sent out a prayer for me.
Thanks to Jherimi & Erika for always being there even though our lives keep us busy.

Everything changes, nothing remains without change.

11.03.2006

Credible.

I showed up for work at the studio tonight. But nothing came out. So I decided to write.

When I walked onto the freeway on-ramp as if I was a car on Wednesday, I knew that I was going to end my life. I didn't plot it out. I didn't think. I was numb. I was tired. I had reached my breaking point.

Many of you have watched me chip away everyday. And while I don't share everything that goes on with me, you get bits and pieces that elude to a bigger problem.

Iceberg.

We only see the surface. We never see whats underneath. Whats beyond the naked eye.

For the last few months, I've been under intense pressure, stress, whatever you want to call it. I had a house in escrow-that fell out. I have a day job that I hate, only because I need to show some "source" of income, since royalty statements aren't exactly the way to show you can pay mortgage especially since my royalty statements aren't what they were lets say...6 months ago.

I was involved with a stupid ass nigga that doesn't even love himself...what was I thinking?

I've lost focus of my project and while had some grasp of it, I've lost motivation to re-complete the book, especially after the computer decided to be niggerish that night and then my staff to just fall off and not say anything. I kinda just threw my hands up.

And while not knowing how to really take a break and step back...I had to start it all over again.

Last week I was in the hospital. My blood pressure was 190/101 and kept climbing.

And the demons of fat, ugly, stupid, not-worthy, insecurity resurfaced stronger than before. And while I stopped eating and was on a weed induced coke binge for 4 days out 7 this week, I thought I was masking it pretty well. And when did I pick up a drug habit? I had to check myself on that shit QUICK.

Yet and still, I'm loyal. I give unselfishly, I love hard. I still turn around and no one is there. I still think that people lie to me about everything, people lie to me about liking me, loving me...whatever.

I don't ask people for much, in fact I don't ask them for shit. I work hard, I complete my goals to get what I want...All I ask for is RESPECT and HONESTY. But it seems as if those two things are too much to ask.

I got into a car accident Tuesday night. Out of no where the breaks on my truck went out and conveniently, SPRINT decides she wants to show her ass-so my phone isn't working. Something told me to cancel my plans with Orlando. Why was I even with him, I should have been done and not withdrew my word to self...So I pull into a Sprint store after the guy I was rear ended was cool. He let me go since I only hit him at a slow speed. I tried to get my phone working while I relentlessly called Orlando to tell him what happened. Why would I think he cared? Anyway...long story short, I told him I needed a ride to work the next day. He asked me "Why are you asking me that?"

I got in my breakless car and went home. Pissed. So he calls me at 3 a.m. and we argue about why I don't want him coming to pick me up. In the back of my mind I am saying I don't want to be around you or be in the same airspace as you after you roll up from some other niggas house. ESPECIALLY DANIEL.

I obliged. I told him I had to be at work at 9 to clean out my desk and to have a meeting with my boss...

Why this nigga roll up to my house at 8:45 and I work 30 minutes away? NIGGAS!

At 8:20 when I saw he wasn't serious, I had to call my momma to come and get me and that pissed me off cause I haven't fucked with her in a whole 7 days. That was my breaking point.

I was a mess, walking around crying harder...well I wont use that analogy...

Here it is a simple task, pick me up for work. But you're late cause you laid up with some nigga. That iced the cake from all the other shit.

I don't know how I did it but I got to work on time....but I was only there two hours cause I was an emotional wreck, sitting at my desk in tears, trying not to knock over everything in my office in an emotional rage. Not to mention I had to pull 700 outta my ass to get my car fixed...did I mention I lost 60,000 on a bad house deal? Did I mention that I lost an additional 1400.00 because someone cheated with Daniel after we planned a weekend getaway? You get the picture.

My demons, dumb ass niggas, my family, thinking about my Grandmother and Tuesday dying...the only two people that really cared about me (or care about me the way I thought people should care) and whatever else I forgot to mention...I had enough.
So it led me to the freeway on-ramp.

As soon as I was about to pull a Tina Turner (Yall remember when Angela Bassett ran across that freeway runnin from Ike...) a light came on...and it said NIGGA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU COPING OUT FOR? YOU GOT A SISTER TO LIVE FOR! YOU'VE GOT A BOOK TO FINISH! YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE LOTTA PEOPLE LOOKING UP TO YOU!!!

...Even if I didn't think it or people never stop to tell me how much they care. Even if I did only get 20% back out of the 100+% that I give...

It's not like I haven't been here before. It always goes down with me in November for some reason...oddly enough, just like the title of my new book. I've come Full Circle.

Life isn't without cause. I had to go to my therapist quickly...It's amazing what an hour chat can do.

So I'm calm.
The treadmill has been my friend for the last 48 hours.
Rahsaan has been on my I-Pod.
I've been riding the train for the past couple of days...that's interesting.
I spent time with my sister.
I listened to my brother yell at me after I spilled my guts to him...I need to visit him.
I flushed the remaining products.
I got my car out of the shop...I forgot about that little stash...thats gone. LOL, so what.

Focus,
not on the rudeness of others, not on what they've done or left undone,
but on what you have and not have done yourself.

11.02.2006

The Aftermath...Not Dr. Dre

I'm good. I'm around....but of course that's without cause.
There has been drama....when isn't there drama?
I'll explain it all on the show tomorrow....