Me

My photo
Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

12.29.2006

If You Don't Get Any Rest Today, You're Gonna Be Tired Tomorrow

It's the last post of 2006. What a year it has been!!! In 48 hours I am going to be liquored up past out on somebody's floor, talking trash, going into the brisk moonlight with a new attitude like my name was Patti Labelle in 1984.

This was a great, dramatic, entertaining, enlightening and eventful year. Through everything I'm grateful to have seen and lived another year.

I learned a lot about myself and what I expect in and from others. The biggest lesson I learned is that everything will come in it's due time-nothing comes before you're suppose to have it.

While I wanted to come up with some over the top post about this years highlights, I think simplicity in wishing you a Happy New Year and a happy new you is more sufficient.

I hope everyone has tied up all loose ends before the close of 2006...if not, you have 2 more days...

I have walked through the valley of death, but I didn't fret. I made it out alive from my belief in God, belief in myself and my from belief in people like you.
There is always time for LOVING WHO YOU ARE WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
Give freely.
Love never dies it just replenishes.
Embrace who you are, embrace who you are becoming, embrace the person that you'll be.
Know who you are and don't let others try to change that.
Always know that there is tomorrow to come to.
Learn from the outcome of your mistakes. Not the mistake themselves.
Forgive but don't forget.
Know your limits.
Don't be afraid to say no.
Live life for you.
Commit to at least one thing.
Challenge yourself.
Put yourself in their shoes.
Step outside and look at yourself.
Never stop hoping, loving, trying, giving, dreaming, evolving.
Be. In Your element, whatever it is.
Know the part that you played and live with what you've done.

I love you.
Even those who don't love me back.

Close a chapter...because a new one will always have to begin.

See you in 2007!

:In Progress:

12.28.2006

MySpace Is My Friend Again

Okay, just like Beyonce and text messaging, I have a love hate relationship with: MySpace! MySpace is the anti-Christ and it has ruined my life a few times this summer, which led me to making my profile private and there is strict protocol in effect if you want to view my page or add me as a friend. I don't have time for games, 3 days and these hoes are going to see a complete 180 up in this piece!

Anyway MySpace has been great to me this week. I got in touch with my old roommate from college again, I've been concerned about him, because as some of you know I went to school in Louisiana, and he was a New Orleans native...we had a nice chat and now he's in my top 24! So hot...It's good to be reconnected with him, I cherish the time spent in college.

Then I got in touch with another person I lost contact with whom I lived with summer of 01' while in Ohio. There was drama involved (somewhat my fault, doesn't surprise you...) and we didn't close out the summer properly. Nonetheless, I often thought about him and how he's doing...and guess who pops up!!! So that was cool and I am looking forward to a lengthy conversation with him.

For the last two years I've been on a search to find my English teacher from Jr. High School. I get emotional whenever I speak of her, because she is really the person who gave me the inspiration to write. Without her there probably wouldn't be any books. I remember writing a paper once in 8th grade about my grandmother being murdered. And she told me that I had such a unique writing style, that I could one day go on to be a famous author...she told my mom, and my mom being the hater that she is, told me that I could never and wouldn't ever be a writer. Needless to say, I kept writing, because for the first time, I had heard someone tell me that I could be something. Someone had articulated a belief in me and I ran with it. Ever since my book came out last year, I've been trying to find her...Why she got a myspace though? And she works at my old high school??? So, now she's just a reach away. I am going to be so glad to tell her face to face what an impact she has made on my life. For giving me the belief that I could do something, beyond me and allowing me to share that with you. I wrote her this long email, that made me cry...I swear every time I think about that night that she told me that, it brings tears to my eyes...do you know what it's like to live your life and people are always pointing out all the wrong that you do. Then one day someone notices something different, but a good different. That was a powerful moment for me...

Someone you wanna find...? They prolly on MySpace. You better findout. Oh, if you want to add me, shout a nigga...

12.27.2006

Test

I'm glad my life is calm. Making the adjustment to remove yourself from drama or dramatic situations is difficult, especially when you've been use to living in chaos your entire life. My home life is great, my personal life is getting better by the day and my career is definitely on the move. I'm blessed. For once in my life I am accepting things the way they are and I actually like what is going on with me At This Moment.

As the week, the end of the year is winding down it feels good to relax and focus on things that are really important to you and share with the people that you really love and mean the most to you.

But in my heart, I know, the biggest thing that will be most difficult for me to grapple with in life is just waiting around the corner. It came to me in a dream last night, it was confirmed when I woke up this morning. Although this will be the greatest task in my life, I know that I am going to perform better than I have before. I've been prepped for this experience for 24 years. I never thought that I would have a 4 year old sister in the mix of it, which really makes the matter more complex, it will be hard, but, I'm Tarrance Lockhart first, he is a survivor. He almost died when he was born, umbilical cord wrapped around his neck three times. His father was murdered when he was 6. He got molested two years straight shortly there after. He experienced racism for the first time when he was 11-learning what the word nigger meant when he went to their school, in their neighborhood, in their classes, in that accelerated program. When he was 13 his grandmother was murdered by his cousin. When he was 16 an intruder nearly killed him as he got ready for school.

Not to mention his whole life he felt like he was inadequate because of his weight and dealing with the fact that he was gay; plus the emotional torment of his family. Forced to be something that he wasn't, because he didn't know it was okay to be himself, when he was 19 he learned who he was. The black college experience changed his life forever. Being in a space away from his roots forced him to examine himself over and become one with himself. That was only overshadowed by his mother who not only had gotten gravely ill, but was also pregnant. He returned to Los Angeles, becoming the rising phoenix and creating the facade of Trent Jackson.

Now the biggest challenge yet; requires him to take of his mask and deal with life the only way he knows how...head on.

I, he, is fine...I always have been, I always will be. Even when times are bleak, I'm designed to overcome. Full Circle.

12.26.2006

Holiday's End

I hope your holiday was just the way you wanted it...mine was! I spent Christmas alone! WHEW how good it felt to have the ringers off and the email application closed! I didn't cut on my phone until 10 at night and how annoying it is for everyone to send those damn text messages talking about Merry Christmas and all like that. I don't really get into it like that!! If you can't pick up the phone and say it then miss me with text messages. Text messages along with myspace have made the human interaction nonexistent.

I worked on my new book...the third one and made a big ass pot of Gumbo for me and my mom. It went without incident-no drama, no depressing family bullshit...it was cool.

The evening was sugar coated in the sweetest frosting with an unexpected call from my friend, Jammie, who is also a blogger, who I hated at the start of summer, cause I thought he was a shade-monster. Not that he doesn't call, cause he does. We both have busy schedules, however he makes time to breathe, which I can appreciate-it has been a rocky, traumatic year for the both of us. Nonetheless, he was in my neighborhood and he called me as I was hopping out of the shower. I met up with him at a local eatery and as usual I enjoyed his company and his conversation. Spending time with him is always refreshing because he's actually different. Most black, gay men have this over abundance of talking about frivolous things...I don't ever have to worry about that. Some people you look forward to seeing-J is one of those people. Although I feel bad, because I kept talking about myself...I think it was more so wanting to share my progress with someone who actually will listen, since my relationship is over...

The holidays were great, I got some emails from some old school friends, my ex from high school called, we may have a date this afternoon...nothing serious, were just friends and I am looking forward to going into 2007 glowing in the sun...I am ready for a change.

12.22.2006

Friday Finale!!!

Well this is the Season Finale for Season 2 of In The Mix With Trent. Season 3 will Start January 17th 2007! Until then Enjoy this show and all the best of shows that I'll be posting. If you can't hear the show on the radio box to the right, click the title of this post.

Have A Merry Christmas!
Happy Kwanza!

12.21.2006

I Took A Real Good Shit Today

I don't know why, I, we, you. Feel like we need them.
Them, who keep up shit constantly.
Trick us to make our minds think that, they're there.
When we see that they really not.
We hold on to this grand idea
that if we're there for them, they will be there for us
but time and time again we find ourselves,
outside
bare assed
in a fuckin' blizzard
cause we thought we had sustenance from our friends
our lovers,
our families,
ourselves.
But again our false hope, their blurred lines of lies
have been nothing more than bleak mirages.

So as I deleted number after number out of my phone today.
I felt bad for letting them go.
I paid my sprint bill in full
And in four hours,
10 days earlier than what I said I would.
My phone number will be changed.

But more importantly
my mind set has changed to stop allowing people
to fuck with me
to lie to me
to deceive me
to keep stringing me along
thinking I have something
when in the end all I got is me and God.

I took control.
I got back my will power.
I got back to me.
The way it always should have been.

So if you happen to call and can't get through,
email gets returned back to you.

You've been right all along,
"It's not me, it's you."

12.20.2006

Witty Wednesday!!

If You can't play through the audio player, click the title of the post!

12.19.2006

LMAO!

So...

If you've been listening to my show you know that I work with my personal trainers, husband, who comes from negro-fame-royalty-lineage. Small world right? Hmm..Fuck six degrees of separation, it's more like three.

While bumping to Monica at my cubicle early this morning...my direct supervisor comes up to me and says we heard your show...

So my eyes pop out of my head...like, oh shit, what did I say!??? I swear I get in front of that mic and just talk and forget what I say after the 20 or thirty minutes of banter is up! I feel bad because I really don't interact with my husbands trainer while I am at work. I just don't say shit. You know I really don't fuck with men like that. I am the one in the office that no one can figure out...I'm silent, like silent night and then I find that one girl that I can connect with, who can bring the inner punk outta me so we can sit up and talk about all of the dick at work. Hmmm...I found it on my first day. It's just cosmic I tell you, cosmic.

But it's all good at work though. It's so funny cause everyone likes me at work, I give them punctuality, I give them productivity and jokes...I make all of the other punks jealous! I don't mean to! We can all be friends! There is enough room for all the queens in the world. I wont be a pawn, I'll settle for princess. But I've never understood why the kids in the neighborhood throw shade before they even know you. I mean I try to be friendly and smile at people, but then they just want to turn around and give me a frown...I'll never understand what that is about.

Office politics are a mess, this is why I am staying neutral at this job. I do what I have to do and keep it pushin! I have a show to record and a book to sign...not to mention all the other things I want to do include plan my wedding.

Also before I go. I just want to thank you for reading! I appreciate your emails and all of that kinda stuff. Even in my own delusional, psychotic episodes when I think no one is paying attention you are...

And I keep asking this question...but when did I get so popular??? That kinda freaks me out. Did I say I love black women with crazy weaves and over dramatic makeup? Especially the ones that remind me of Tammy Faye and Phyllis Diller.

12.18.2006

Let It Flow...

Yall remember what Toni said..."First thing Monday Morning..." That's the song that I should be playing today.

My weekend was ROUGH. Quick weekend trip to ATL and did some scouting for an apartment. Didn't hangout with anyone...It was strictly business and besides the way my luck has been, I don't need any additional jealous bitches in my face trying to see what I am doing. It's better to show people better than you can tell them and be like Nike and JUST DO IT. Part of my new years resolution is to stop talking about what I am going to do and just do it. Because when you say things, you'd be surprised at all the mojo people stir up and craft just to try and stop you just to say "I told you so."

I came back just in time to see my little sisters Ballet Recital, which was so cute. She's very competitive and her form is simply amazing for a four year old. She was very focused, didn't miss a cue and I'm pretty sure there would be no problem with her advancing and going on to something more advanced. I just have to make sure she won't be a video vixen. With me around I won't even let that go down.

The event was overshadowed by my ex, my first real boyfriend "Xavier," the main character of my first book. I was so thoroughly annoyed. I gave him no love as I chimed along to Faith Evans in my head. Sick bastard. All that gorgeosity and no substance behind it...what a shame. Too bad he's not me.

So as I go and start up my car yesterday, I drove two feet out of my driveway before my car wants to cut off and not move. As some of you know I just spent 500.00 on a break job and a tune up about a month ago so there was no reason on God's green earth that my car would have been playing fool like this so soon.

So I call up AAA and have it towed to the local Pep Boys, only for them to tell me that paint had been poured in my gas tank, which blocked the gas line, which shut down the computer on the car to even tell the diagnostic machine which part needed to be fixed, none the less, my mom had four blades in her tires this morning when she woke up. It's not a game...I can show them better than I can tell them.

But why is that people always want to talk trash and not listen to you when you know who the culprit is. But as soon as some ish goes down with them they want to be all up in arms about something...?!

But whatever, I see Lucifer likes to play...I swear some nasty energy knows when I get money...cause I as soon as I do some shit always goes down. I swear I've got to learn not to tell anybody anything...Well with the exception of you.

12.11.2006

A Day Late and -30.52 Short

Um...

SO lets see. I was so drunk over the weekend, I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH MONEY. Didn't check the account balance and was overdrawn by 30.52, What was I thinking about. Thank GOD for a savings stash.

Well, a lot to talk about a little, time. I've been in full swing with this book that my head has been spinning faster than Linda Blair in the exorcist.

But I'll be back with some tales and tells...on Witty Wednesday...

Music reviews tomorrow.
Peace,

and thanks for all of the support I ppreciate it!

12.08.2006

Friday Finale....

The Friday Finale is finally freakin' here! Click on the title of the post if you can't hear it automatically or hear it through autoplay! Have a great weekend.

12.07.2006

The Summary...

I thought this time was different,
I thought that we had fixed it.
You were actin' all right,
You even said that you loved me.

Goin' through the motions,
you said that I was the one.
Stupid me I believed you,
so sorry I took you back.

I'm so sick and tired of fuckin' round with you.
You treat me worse than a pimp nigga do.
Any other 1 would want to be with me.
You lied, I tried to keep this fake shit happy.

I wish you could be true.
I wish you could be real,
It's real fucked up what you put me through.
I shoulda know better, got burned once
had me thinking it was me when it was really you.

Why do I have to be so caught up in you?
You say that you loved me but if that were true,
you woulda stayed and acted like you cared for me like I cared for you.
And now you callin' me...like it's all good.
Actin' like you never cheated, played with my mind, wasted my time and kept me from finding love.

I was there for you, when you were going through,
When yo brother died. Where was he then?
I listened to you cry, I held you real tight, said it be aiight, and I really loved you.

Now look at me watchin' over you.
Got me playin fool like infinity times 2.
You wanted to play me and game me.
Said you were sorry and didn't mean to.
But that didn't mean shit when I caught you.

Why do I have to be so caught up in you?
You say that you loved me but if that were true,
you would have cheated when I was there for you.
I gotta let you go, just so you know.
It's not me, it's you.

My love,
my time,
intimate moments shared
You know you want that shit.
Because you can't get what I got no where else,
and while you fuckin' them other niggas backs,
you can't help to think about what you had
so stop callin' me with that bullshit actin' all sad.
Cause when I was there you couldn't handle it,
you fucked it off and played me for a fool,
now look a you nigga the joke is now on you.

I'm happy.
Doing all the things you kept me from doin'
no there's no one else...just me.
You can't stand to see me, do it without you...
You ain't seen nothin' yet.

I can really show you better than I could ever tell you...but you already know that.

12.05.2006

New Music Tuesday

I hate to say it but, if the late great, in her own rite, Aaliyah wouldn't have died, there would be no Ciara. Not to discredit, the new, modern-day Janet Jackson from her due, but it's a reality.

We all fell in love with Ciara in the summer of 2004 when we thumped 'Goodies' then did a '1-2 step'...but then we all made a 'Promise,' to honor Ciara forever when we saw her Aaliyah-esque video (a la "One In A Million") and she danced for the kids and gave us performance and a hot new fuck track for our sex mixes...(yes I know you have one)

The Evolution is truly that...While Ciara reminds us of Janet and Aaliyah she clearly adds her own flair with enough personality, performance and style to put the comparisons aside and focus on her great ability to keep us captivated long enough to make us gasp in awe.

Her first CD, She proved that she had the potential of staying power. Ciara will clearly surpass the Sophomore jinx with her new CD.

While the The Evolution revisits the sound of 80's Prince through out the CD, you hear a lot of guitar with hot tracks that bump bass lines and drums tracks that make you wanna dance, grind, grab yourself and just groove to. I love Ciara's CD. It's hot, it's different, and it's the same sound Brandy went for on "Full Moon." Not to say that the CD is "Full Moon" quality. But if you remember Brandy came with a different sound that showcased what she was 'workin' wit' as long as the right person brought it out.

Is this Ciara's Best work? No. But it let's you know that the best is yet to come and that this 19 track set was well throughout, well put together and put her personal craft and touch into delivering a quality product that you can add to your collection and dust off and play 2 years from now. Ciara is proving that she has staying power and her music will be a timeless classic for the next generation.

Standout tracks: Promise, Can't Leave 'Em Alone, My Love, Make It Last Forever, I'm Just Me.

12.04.2006

Starting Fresh.

So, needless to say that my DSL is down! 2 whole weeks and two technician visits later, they still cant seem to get it right. Either I'm going to have to go cable or go satellite within the next couple of days since At&t can't seem to get their shit together. You would think after 100 years of running shit you would know what to do, right? I guess you could say the same for stupid ass people that you tolerate in your life too huh? Oh and my apologies for uh not posting in two days...

My weekend was great! It started off really well! Friday I didn't do much of anything, but rest. Finally I can rest in again and resume my career as a writer. Saturday I enjoyed the wonderful company of Fred Smith, Joe, Jammie & The Blacks at this past weekends Fusion Outfest event. An event that showcases films that cater towards the black/minority LGBT Community.

Sunday the weekend was capped off watching a few documentaries on the Los Angeles Ball Scene and on Jewels Catch One. Then with the rest of the attendees we all watched the premier of D.L. Chronicles, Episode Two: Robert....and I am so happy for Q&D the show just got picked up by Here TV!!! Yaaaay!!!

Sunday night was also the closing night after party which was a great mixer-networking-hey girl I haven't seen you in a while event! I got a chance to catch up with a lot of who's who in gay media...and it's so funny how they all "read" my blog.

I'm tired...but I have a lot to say about this past weekends events, so make sure you catch Witty Wednesday.

Oh...Dezar. Thank you much for always being there right when I need it. :-) And stop being so remote...
Me, Lynn & Wilson
The Fusion Outfest After Party!
(I love them soooo much!)