Not that I have a strong disdain for reading or anything, but I am really into history books, autobiographies an things based on real life events. But of course if it's a new writer or another one of my colleagues then I'll read. It's been a while since I've read a well written, introspective novel such as the one that I am going to mention. For the past week, I've been trying to find time to read this book, by this new author I just came across! I'm all about the independent writers, because I am one!
So...I finally got a chance to pick up this deep, introspective, well written novel that you must read. It's a quick read and it explores the emotional and mental state that we've all been in at one time or another! It's hard for me to give a review of a book without giving the book away! But here is my summary of the book and the writer will be on my show very soon!
They were bound by their adolescent friendship. All experiencing and examining the highs and lows of coming into their own man-adulthood, each with their own unique identity, they dealt with the intricacies of death, acceptance, rejection and self-esteem.
After high school, dealing with their best-friends violent death D and Z go their separate ways, though keeping in touch through out the years.
Though a brief but profound interaction between Z and Azad left both young men with lasting impressions of each other. Through chance and life changing events both Z and Azad grapple with different spectrum's of accepting who they are and life as what it is, not knowing they have more in common than the distance that separates them.
In Peter Gebeshian's new book we take an introspective look at what two young men with different backgrounds, with the same set of personal and professional dilemmas realize at the dawn of the new millennium on their Journey To Love.
Get the book today!!!
I was 13 years old. An 8th grader just a few months away from entering high school.
January 29th, 1996 is a day that is etched in my mind like yesterday. A day that changed my life forever. It started off as any other day.
A Monday, shower, get dressed for school and be in the car by 7:30 so my mom could shoot me down Western Ave and I'd be in my seat by 7:50 before the tardy bell rang.
A few hours into the day, after nutrition, 11:30, my pager goes off. It was a voice mail message, which required me to lie to a teacher or a counselor or something to use the phone. It was my now deceased sister (cousin), Tuesday seeing if everything was okay. She said she got a message from both our moms on her answering machine and thought something may have been wrong with me. I immediately called my moms job and they told me that she had a family emergency. Then I called home, she picked up sounding very mellow. Me, excited asked what was going on, she said she would be there to pick me up and asked where I was. I told her the counselor's office and she asked to speak with her. They exchanged words and I waited.
About 30 minutes later, my mom walked in. Not showing any signs of distress, checked me out of school and we walked to the car.
It rang as loud as an ambulance blaring down the street to save someone. But what I didn't know is that they had already made their rounds. Three of them. To my aunts house in Carson, before anyone knew, before we went to work, before I got ready for school, the news helicopter was already flying over the scene of the house, where three naked women were sprawled across their lawns, riddled with bullets.
"There was an accident today." She said calmly, right after handing me a glass of water. "At first we thought someone broke in the house, but later we found out that no one did." She explained. "Shantay, Deja and Grandmother are dead."
It didn't sink in, until I saw it on the news, all day, and the day after that. Their lifeless bodies covered in sheets, on the lawn that we had barbecues on, the lawn that I helped plant flowers in, now the scene of a triple homicide. And all because my cousin decided to pull the trigger and murder my our Grandmother and our cousins.
I sat there. Listening and as time went on, it was the blaming, the chaos, the separation of family, the devastation, the aftermath of it all that made it true and real. The pain of loosing people I had known all my life were just not there anymore. At a time where I thought that we would be tight and be there for each other...It was me and my mom for 10 years before anyone broke the silence and said I love you.
I miss them.
I felt cheated.
They got their Grandmother to attend their graduations, see them off to prom, see them drive a car. She got to see them grow up. I was stunted, right when it was my time. But instead it was hers.
I didn't share all of the memories. It took the toll on my mother the worst. My mother, took care of my Grandmother, except for that one year when we both saved to buy a house. We moved into a one bedroom apartment and my Grandmother moved with my aunt...we finally found a house, 6 months after my Grandmother died. I felt the brunt of my mothers grief...numbing my own. Silently grieving...releasing through the pen. Acting out in melodramatic monologues that are now apart of the timeless cinematics of my mind.
I've let it go.
I've finally moved on.
My family...not all the way well, but well on our way to be what I once knew as family.
If only for a second, I wish I couldn't be plagued by this day...but if I wasn't, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'll visit the cemetery in a few hours. I'll cry, I'll shed a tear...I'll bring myself to a laugh. I'll thank my Grandmother for shaping me...the real me...the boy that she helped raise, the boy that she left, the boy I'll always be. I'll remember her lessons and on this day, I'll remain silent and flashback to the moment in time that changed my life forever...but I won't stay their too long. I'll move on-never forgetting where I've come from. I'll only look forward to where I'm going.
Friday night Jammie and I went out and he had no clue, in all of my buzzed, high, hazed that I was in deep thought about...and how I cried a couple of times without him knowing it. Not because I was sad, but because I had finally made up my mind to finish what I started...
I'm anxious, happy, elated, excited and all of that, but I'm also scared. How am I going to pull off this balancing act? My career is finally taking off-and then right when it does, I decide to take a break...how do I stay relevant? How do I keep myself up and not slip off into some semi-fag graveyard obscurity...
I and all of you, I'm sure want the best for me...and I don't think it will be a problem, this balancing act, but we'll see how I do.
This re-commitment to self is only to better me and enhance what I already have. I'm excited for whats going to come! Finally...
It's not going to happen right now, but in the next few months. I am just thinking about how, why, can, who, yes, no...!!! But I've got to do this, shit, I'll be 25 in a month and I'm behind schedule.
None of this made sense...but yeah. I'm gonna do it! Wish me luck!
I'm in between, but I am not in rehab.
I can't write. I need to shower. I've been on the phone screening different book tour personnel all day. I've been running errands, I picked up Essence from school, played Candy Land with her, got the website content in, talked to my friends, talked to the new guy, emailed back and forth, did an interview for another magazine, talked to my uncle who's in Australia 8 times.
My eyes hurt.
I have to be at my office in 6 hours.
I have to write for the show tomorrow.
I have three parties tonight.
I have to send back that check, they made it out to Trent Jackson Inc., Instead of Trent Jackson Media Group, LLC. Two different companies!!!
Okay. none of this was relevant and neither is Sister Patterson's forehead.
My ass itches and I haven't had sex in a minute...too bad I'm too tired to get some.
White people can't be trusted. Then again, there is that picture of Jesus.
I remember about a year ago, the first time I sat down to record my show...boy was it trashy and horrible...only people who have access to I-Tunes can hear it. From this point out you'll only be able to hear new shows...unless you dig through archives...anyway, I always get the jitters when it's time for me to record a "new season" or even a new show because of the expectation level...but tonight's show will be fun. It will be different and I haven't unveiled all of the new segments for the show.
I have a few shockers so make sure you tune into In The Mix With Trent tomorrow...and the premier of American Idol tonight!!!
Well I hope your weekend was phenomenal! Mine was. I feel like Mary J. Blige after rehab and dumping that other coked out fool from Jodeci. I spent time working on the new website (shit I have to send the updates...) and making final adjustments on the packaging of the new book Full Circle.
So, since this is the second time around, my book has been complete about 5weeks now...and I always wait and revel in completion before I make any moves. I just sit there. I don't go back and read-I don't do anything. So finally I let the first person read the book. He said he would read it by the weekend, and I didn't believe him, but when he didn't call me after Friday night-then I knew he was serious. So about midday yesterday right before I went to the studio to record some stuff for this weeks show, I get a text, "3/4 done." So I am like shit! I was nervous, but I knew deep down inside that this book is way better than the first and this one would do more than At This Moment...
"I just finished reading."
"Okay." I said I was driving down the street.
"Boy....!" He said trying to complete his sentence.
"The book was EXCELLENT!"
"What didn't you like about it?"
Then he went on to talk about what he did like about it. So I had to stop him again, WHAT DIDN'T YOU LIKE ABOUT IT. He didn't say anything really, I know in my head this isn't the perfect book, needless to say I only got 2 angry letters the first time around so we'll see. He definitely noted my growth as a writer, which I loved, because I tried really hard to make this better than the first one...and to concentrate on the story line. So yes, my vision is coming true this book will be "The One."
So I am 1 month and 28 days from my birthday....and I am not excited, I was making such a big deal turning 25...now all of a sudden, it's like girl, do I really wanna throw this party? I still am going to have wild circus sex with whoever I nab for my 90 day plan...I think it will be...I am having sex on my 25th birthday I don't care what anyone says, and it will not be drunken sex. I am getting a colonic that day, I'm not eating anything, I will have one bottle of Moet and I will have a dick inside of me by the end of the night...END.
The first show of the new season starts Wednesday...get your earplugs ready, I've already been making preparations...
We'll all be watching the Golden Globes tonight...And if this stank breath, crusty foot heffa, past here again and calls herself fat, I am going to pull my shirt up and expose myself.
So I went to bed at like 9 last night, after dinner with my mom and sister. But the problem with that is I can not sleep longer than 5 hours at a time! For any reason. I don't care if I am dead tired to the world and I've danced to every song on Ciara's new CD and gave hand jobs to 30 different people, 5 hours max! So anyway the phone rings and the number isn't saved in the phone so I get the "BEEP BEEP, WHY YOU ALL IN MY EAR TALKIN' A WHOLE BUNCHA SHIT THAT I AIN'T TRYIN' TO HEAR? GET BACK MUTHAFUCKA YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT, GET BACK MUTHAFUCKA YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT!" ringtone, local 310 area code.
"Yeah, who's this?" I asked, as I recognized the voice kinda.
"Call me tomorrow." As I hung up the phone.
James was my jump-off (my booty call) for all of 06. Okay, I confess. When I was mad at Mike, or there was a fight. I did fuck James. 4 times. I can't believe I said that. Although I said that I was no Angel in our on again off again dramatics. See now I'm getting besides myself, I am supposed to be talking about the jump off not the psychotic ex.
I couldn't believe that he called me...because the last time that I did it with him, December 2nd. We had a fight and I made it clear not to call me anymore. Because that was the beginning of my clean out and clean up phase and I wasn't about to be taking him into the new year on some lustful binge. Besides, I had made it clear that yeah, I have all this ass and I want to be fucked, it won't be given to a jump off or nothing like that...so he tried to be slick and eat me out and ram it in...bastard.
I told myself that night that I wasn't having sex again until I was in a committed relationship...that's out of the window because 5 of the 7 guys that are on "My List," will be in Los Angeles for my 25th Birthday Party, so you know what that means....
Sex with James was hot. He is about 5'8" 140 pounds and I am not one for small dudes at all...but his swagger...? Off the chain! His dick is huge and all though I am a bit of a size queen, when it comes down to it, I love a small dick, especially when I decide to get fucked for the first time. But I love sucking a big dick...the challenge of it gets me going, especially when I look up in a dudes face and he has that look in his eye...you know that look that he gives you when he can't believe that you have him in your mouth, that look like, "Damn this is the best head I've ever gotten," or I am about to bust...yeah. But it doesn't stop there.
James has a nice compact booty for his frame...completely hairless, and he takes dick like.....man. He man handles the dick...and in all of his thugged out splendor, to hear him let out moans and sighs as I am inside of him is priceless...and the way he can grip his muscle around my dick just makes me want to fuck him more passionately, more intensely. I'm not one just to be up in his ass and ramming...not me, you'd have to experience it to know what I am talking about.
As I rolled over, I thought about getting up and making the 10 minute drive to Inglewood to see him open the door in his wifebeater and his basketball shorts...his cornrows that always needed to be redone when I saw him because he just came back from off the road...I was always the first person he called. The next week we'd hangout kick it...and flirt. For some reason I never even given him the thought of being more than. He has a lot to offer...I can see that in his eye. He always has this long drawn out conversation before we do it, more than small talk. It's always interesting to hear his road stories about this and about that...and how he seems to be interested in more than just sex...but if that were true, he would have called more right?
Needless to say, I'm not calling him and when and if that phone rings at 2 A.M. again, I'm not answering it. It's time that I respect myself like I say I do...close my mouth, close my legs, and keep my shit tucked away for the man that deserves every part of me, wholeheartedly.
You should have seen the look on my face this morning when I finally got to the office and discovered they had restocked the French Vanilla creamer! Oh what a joy! Yes a coco base, a French vanilla low fat cappuccino topping, two spelndas and a 3 creamers...mmhmmhmmm. I've got to cut the coffee cause that shit is drying out my bones, you know coffee isn't for the negro anatomy.
So yesterday, I'm sitting at my desk, minding my business, and my cell phone rings. But it's on vibrate, so I didn't hear it ring...until the voicemail icon lit up. I wasn't at all excited...I love getting calls, but most people don't call me in the middle of the day unless it's some hogwash...but sometimes The Blacks or Jammie may call just to see how things are...so I look at the missed call list and it's a familiar number, but since, the deletion process occurred for New Years, if your number aint saved in the phone then...there is no answer. I checked my voicemail and it was him. Yes! HIM!!! Yuck! I was so turned off, his tone was wack, he was dry, and I mean the muthafucka could have at least said Happy New Year since he had the unmitigated gall to have his crooked tooth, proactive dependent ass on my phone with some bullshit. But no!! But why should I expect regard from someone who doesn't have regard for me, let alone himself?
I just kinda chuckled to myself because I could tell it took everything in his broken spirit for him to call. But do I care? Hell no! Why should I? I'm not calling him back, I don't care about what he's going through, when I'm done, I'm done. But I reveled in silence. I knew exactly why he was calling. It would be a matter of time before he did. While we were together, I said I would pay his 36$ parking ticket...well long story short, I thought about it. I took into perspective all the bullshit that he had caused and I got even...just a little. I called my bank and had them reverse the charge. Not only has the ticket doubled, it all so has that nice little returned check fee. Well, if he wouldn't have lied, cheated, played with my emotions and cost me 4,000.00 then all would have been well. He's grown...or at least his dick is, he can take care of himself, right? It serves his dumb ass right, I always told that nigga I had the last laugh. And even though I am wrong in principle...sometimes you have to play dirty to win...if anyone knows about REAL GAME, IT'S YA NIGGA NAMED -T- Nigga you game me, you gonna be in the corner somewhere getting cussed out or coming up short and looking and me wishin....
In other events, I wish people will stop talking so fuckin' much! You aint sayin' shit, so stop talking so fuckin' much. Like these people at work, "How's the weather today?" Didn't you just come from outside, damn you should know! Chipper ass muthafuckas...anyway...
My therapist thinks he's slick too (Yes nigga I went and laid on the couch...). Now that my life is in order and I have my addictions under control, my relationships are balanced and I've eliminated the bullshit, he is under the impression that I am gonna keep paying him to come sit and look at him. Girl. BOO! Then he had the nerve to ask me if I had ever considered a psyhic reading...I've thought about it. But why he recommend one of his friends-who charges 100$ an hr for a reading just like he does. These fools done bumped they head's I swear. I am not about to pay to tell me what might happen. I'd rather wait on Jesus Christo and live the shit out versus knowing it's coming thats the beauty of living and learning. If you really tune into yourself and to your enviornment you know whats going to happen-so ain't no need in me paying you shit, nigga you can't give me the lottery numbers so fuck it.
Never tell a nigga how much money you got, it's a mistake, cause when they find out they will try and suck you dry for every fuckin penny! I wish somebody would send these hoes a memo, YOU AIN'T GETTIN' SHIT! Meet me 75% or better! In the words of Kanye, "WE WANT PRE-NUMPS, WE WANT PRE-NUMPS YEAH!!!"
Anyway the show is going to be funny as hell this season. And there is enough black eye candy on that muthafucka to make me have a sore dick. I am already in love with Chance, the "thug" of the show, who shows out, show's his ass and has been studying DMX and Bobby Brown very closely. Not to mention there is a little twang in his hood swagger too.
There are some fine ass men on the show...but New York is such a fag hag, does she really think these men are straight? If anything girlfriend will end up with a real stylist and a new shopping partner, cause that little gay-man she has on the show makes me want to be bulimic.
Who can forget: Sister Patterson is a Baptist Church Classic! Who is in dire need of some rhinoplasty! That nose, those newports, those weaves and that wine hot breath honey...I will not miss out on New York's Mommas dramatic over the top antics...Hot mess and more hot mess. You know and I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. And come to think of it, if me and my mom had a reality show, I wonder who would be more dramatic, me and my mom or New York and Sister Patterson?
Anyway, I'll be glued into this show all season long, I can't wait until next Wednesday, the Premier of In The Mix With Trent, Season 3!
Have you all seen Dirt on FX? If not it's a must watch!!!
I spent the weekend with my friends drunk and high, while they watched and just shook their heads at my inebriated antics. Nonetheless, they had fun, but in their right minds, I know they were kinda like, "wow." It may have been a bit interesting for them to watch in person, because they've never seen me high and drunk, they only hear about the stories. No worries friends! I have it under control...I just have to let my hair down.
While having fun, of course I was was diligently working on the long awaited release of my new book, Full Circle. Prepping the book is very stressful and exciting but I love every minute of the tedious work. When I go into, "Work Mode," whether it be prepping for another book or prepping to record a show, I'm always reminded of my commitment to self and to keep going in spite of. It has been a short, but hard road since I decided to start writing books some 5 years ago. Getting here wasn't easy and I'm not anywhere close to where I want to be. But anything that's different from the norm (working a 9-5) is hard, especially when people aren't use to you thinking out of the box or doing something that isn't necessarily, "stable." Going after your dreams is important, it's never too late and you're not to old always fulfill your passion. You can have all the potential in the world, but if you're not passionate and dedicated about what it is you want to do with the actions to back it up, you're just like everyone else...blending in. You really have to take matters into your own hands and make it work, cause ain't nobody gonna hand shit to you! Trust and believe that...
I always revisit the criticism I got from close friends and family when I first ventured out on this trek (I still get it today, from my own mother...) and how everyone had something negative or non-affirming to say. I don't even entertain the idea of what they said or what they continue to say. I've made their words apart of my strong foundation and I keep building on it, because there is no way that I will let someones words destroy my dream. Flip the shade around and show them better than you can ever tell them.
Along your journey there will be many dream stoppers. Even if you fail and it doesn't work, think like Aaliyah and dust yourself off and try again. Because you truly haven't failed until you've stopped trying...trying to make it work and trying to succeed. Success is a journey and not a destination and you're the only one in YOUR DRIVERS seat, so take control and make it happen. I'm living proof.
I was on my way home from getting a few copies of the new book printed, for editing and media purposes...when it dawned on me, NIGGA WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!??? And I had to laugh at myself, because I had totally lost focused of everything, including my career-the things that I want to do with my life creatively. I thought about how I partially neglected friends and other things that were more important than going through the motions of what I thought was LOVE.
Yes, all of a sudden, I get a clear head. Maybe because my third book, is about some of the things that went on in my last relationship. And just writing it out and reading it back, I just had to laugh at how stupid I was. LOL. And to think that I was actually the one doing wrong in the relationship...
One of his best friends called me...just to talk, but I was waiting on him, to bring "him," up.
He went on to tell me how they were out on New Years and he asked him whens the last time we talked. He told him December 3rd. I agreed that, that was correct. He laughed why? His response, "He hasn't made any effort to call me so why should I?" I laughed at the repulsiveness of his smug arrogance. When it was my dumb ass the whole time trying to keep it together, when I made the conscious decision for myself to cut ties, because I saw the negative changes it had on my life.
In the end, I've always said, I don't learn from my mistakes, only the outcomes. I've truly learned! I'm glad to have went through that. Even though it was difficult and dramatic, it was worth it. Sometimes you have to learn on your own.
All the drama,
All the heartache
All the pain
All the times I was there for you
I lost in the end.
And even though it hurt like hell
And you did a great job of attempting to convince me it was my fault
Because you were too proud and too fucked up in your ways to admit
The part you played.
If nothing else,
You’ve taught me what I
Deserve and expect
From a lover and a friend
And for that, I thank you
Because know I know what happiness is
And it isn’t, wasn’t and won’t ever be with you.
Now you’re on the outside looking in
At the life you could have had.
I hope you sleep well at night. I sure do.
Thank you for all that you've done Mike...
Anyway, three days into 07, and we have a hater. Of course I had to put on my black stunner glasses to what? Block out the shade! While I acknowledge that I motivate, entertain and inspire on multiple facets, there is no need to H8 on my hair. Nigga I am India.Arie, I am not my hair!
So I am leaving the parking lot at work today and some random, unknown lesbionic chics, one in patten leather loafer shoes and the other sporting Stiletto pumps like she is on the way to the club in her Heidi Fleiss outfit is standing near the gate, spotting the fag in me from a far. They exchange a warm whisper.
My gay boy intuition chimes in and says, "Watch these dykes say something crazy." Cause you know they hate men, even though they pretend to enjoy the quasi-queens (i.e., me)
"Who did you hair like that?" She asks.
"Me." I respond in a very, mild, tone, preparing to say thank you.
"Well that shit looks stupid." She said as she snickered with her lipstick lesbian counterpart.
"So does that man look you're sporting." I said calmly. And kept it pushing to my truck.
"I was just playin'" She said.
"No you weren't. And neither was your barber when he gave you that bald fade. Have a great evening."
It's officially 2007, I had to put the theme to use and shut the shit down immejiately. Have you had to use the theme for 07,' "THE BLACK OUT! WEAR BLACK TO BLOCK THE SHADE!"
Me, My Boss Cheron & Jammie
Me, Jherimi & T