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2.26.2007

When The World Turns Blue...

While the whole gay world is queening out over Jennifer Hudson's Academy Award, there is someone in the world that has no reason to celebrate or be happy, because in their life, they have been brought to a grinding halt. They are in a place of confusion. In a state of shock. Feeling rejected.

I take a lot for granted. I downplay my success. I've said and done things to people to hurt their feelings. I don't count my blessings as much as I should.

But I always stop and think about...the other person. Their situation. I always say to myself, "It could be me." I'm no stranger to drama. I've had my fair share of life altering experiences, from being molested, to having my father and grandmother being murdered, to my suicide attempts, to being made fun of. But one thing that I have never experienced is being told I had an STD, or even being rejected by my family because I was gay.

I always thought that I would be rejected by my family and put out of the house. Even though my mother is a stout opponent of me being gay; or homosexuals period, she has come to learn more about me and my friends, my life, my community and she accepts and loves me. But she still gets on my nerves about church...

Nonetheless - this weekend has been a very emotionally draining one for me...I usually am quick to come to the aid of my friends and loved-ones, because of my inner strength, I can deal with a lot because I've been through a lot. But this weekend...I felt like such a failure and a horrible friend because I couldn't help...

One of my good friends lost his ex. Another one of my friends told me he was HIV positive. And Sunday a friend of mine told me that he was being kicked out of his house because he was gay.

:: Breathe Tarrance....Breathe ::

What do you say to someone who looses their Ex? And they didn't have proper closure. I've been there too. One of my ex's died the night of my 21st birthday. I'm still numb to this day. The very thought of March 13th still feels like a curse to me. Like I'm not supposed to be happy on a day that we're supposed to celebrate. I didn't know what to say to my dear friend...because I didn't know what to say to myself when Brandon died. I'm still silent today.

I get nervous every time I take that test. I've never been told that it was positive and I always breathe...and be more careful every time. But when he told me. He felt like his world was over. He cried and fell in my arms like a baby and for the next three hours, I rocked him asleep. And stayed there until he opened his eyes. I didn't know what to say, how do you tell someone it's going to be okay when they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How do you comfort your friend who is a thousand miles away and support him and tell him that you love him and you're there for him when the only people in the world that matter have turned their backs and shut the door on your very existence? They love you but they can't accept you. What do you say to that? His world his broken...and my prayer tonight is to make sure that God sends the right people in his life to form the glue that puts his world back together. I pray that he will not be broken - and that he takes this experience and knows that it's not the situation that makes or breaks you. It's the proactive action, not reaction that you take to make the adverse action work in your favor. You can conquer anything. Everything in life happens for a reason. AND YOU WILL NOT LET LIFE BREAK YOU!!!!!


We are here to help each other. To learn from one another. Remember those that helped you along the way and reciprocate that to the next person in need. It's the only way to keep the world moving...

Always with you in the struggle...

4 comments:

Queer Kid Of Color said...

Great blog Trent. I feel for you.

Andre Allen said...

wow man you are a strong individual and you will get through this hurdle there is something there that draws people to you. BREATHE yes BREATHE. I have been kicked out my house and homeless. I am HIV positive and i almost lost an ex to a deadly brain tumor. But i survive at 24 soon to be 25 in July. My prayers go out to you.

Jeffrey Allen said...

Trent you are amazing!
wow.

I have to admit that I appreciate you so much - even though sometimes you get on my nerves and a lot of us do love to hate you. We have to respect you for all that you do.

j_shanlin said...

I love you Trent Jackson...I really do.