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3.26.2007

Tilt...

A few sips of pinot grigio lubricated my throat after dinner with my momma.
Homemade alfredo with lobster and shrimp.
broccoli.
roasted garlic.
red, green, yellow peppers.
carrots.

Brought me to a point where I said to myself,
"She did the best she could."

I thought about the dream that woke me up outta my sleep - Saturday morning.
I had a dream that some how they made a mistake and my father was really alive.
I was overjoyed.
I was scared.
I was nervous.

He died when I was 6.
A void in my life that could never be filled.
My father was stolen for me.
I'm mad, upset - and hurt, because I'll never know what it's like to know
the man that shares my same name,
that I look so much a like.
That I take after in more ways than one.

I knew the dream was a lie because June 23rd 1988 is a day that is in my mind forever.
I remember what he looked like in that casket.
I remember what it was like that day at the cemetery.
My first brush with death - I was still. Unmovable.
The first funeral I ever cried at was Tuesday's two years ago...that's only because she made up for everything - and the only that really understood me.

I am following the voice that says, it will be okay.
I'm looking forward to the day where I can be respected for my talent.
I can win not because I am liked, but because I am appreciated and valued for what I have to bring.
Not because of some silly popularity contest. Or their body is better than mine.
When you have favor with God...it all works out in it's own season anyway.

After the last drop, I realized life wasn't that bad.
Even though I've got dealt some fucked up hands - I could walk away with a smile.
I can drive a new car.
I can eat lobster and shrimp alfredo.
I can still look at a woman who has hurt beyond my understanding and love her for being my mother.
I can still look in the mirror and love myself - even though I am not their standard of beauty.
Even though he cheated and made me loose a lot of my money -
My love is still infinite.
For I am rich in experience.
My life has sustenance.
And I'm smooth to the last drop...
get back is a muthafucka.

1 comment:

dancehard said...

***snaps*** You betta use them words, boy! That's the right attitude to have when life hasn't the way you assumed it should. Sip on something fine, analyze, and realize that hey, everything is fine. Not perfect, not extraordinary, but fine. You are alive, you have love (even though you may doubt it, its still there), and you have a passion that transcends all the negativity and bullshit that enters your sphere from time to time.

One more thing..it's very big of you to understand that your mother has a hurt on your heart that exceeds even her respect for you at time. Of course, you cant just forget the pain she has caused you, but you can understand that a lot of that pain inflicted is due to DEEP emotional scarring that is beyond your reach. I've had to do that with several of my family members...think about why they act the way they do. In the end, I pray for their peace of mind and that they will one day decide to face their demons. I advise you to do the same for your mother.

Acting in grace instead of wrath does not make you weak or give the other person your power. If anything, it empowers you. You gain strength by letting go of that negative element in your life, and hopefully by doing that you encourage the person who has failed you to take a peak in their closet.
Isn't it our jobs as decent people to not only live our lives with dignity, but inspire others to do the same?