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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

4.30.2007

OVAH! it...Somewhat

Rahasann Patterson makes good music.
Just as in his lyrics…"You're the pill for my headache…" I find myself thinking the same thing about him when I am in a mood.

I think now, more so than ever the only thing I want to do is be who I am. That happens to be the most difficult thing to do – when everyone has something to say about your dreams and aspirations. Especially if your being, goes against what they believe in – or what they want you to be.

"Fuck the family! The family out of the family…" Remember what Vanessa Williams said in Soul Food (The Movie) when she had that butcher knife…that breakdown was serious…it seems as if I am there all the time.

Ever since December when Jamie and I went to the movies and saw…Stomp the Yard – it was my dream revisited. My dream of going back to and graduating from a Historically Black College – the bell rang, that I was missing that connection. It was Déjà vu all over. I needed to have that back…dream shattered once, dream shattered twice.

I want to "break the fuck out"…a phrase she said that made me laugh when she wanted to express anger. A phrase I use now in the heat of anger.

I try – I succeed. They applaud. I was already satisfied, but their approval enhanced the euphoric sensation. It kept me going.

I try – I failed. Not to her standards, complaining about a formula I should use, that worked for her 20 years ago. Doesn't understand the forgery in my own plight, doesn't understand that this is my story. Then I buy into the idea of my own failure. Contradictory.

In my head I replay that scene in Boomerang, where Grace Jones in all of her essence says "Jacqueline, I'm not going." I laugh at it. But just as so many other things in life, it has a different meaning.

It doesn't surprise me at all. The only way to get out of this cycle is to end it…and not that way, and not that way, but my way.

I am tired of answering to everyone.
I am tired of playing the puppet on the string.
I am tired of giving respect just because…just because someone, the bible says it's due.
Fuck that. If you disrespect me, I have the potential to disrespect you.

I'm not reckless with words, no matter what one may think.
Half of these people don't know me…
I'm not predictable. Well maybe sometimes.
I'm Kind.
I Love sometimes whenever I should.
The Good guys always loose.
The bad always win.
I'll never switch sides. That's not an option.
I say what I mean and I mean what I say…so if I say I hate you. I mean that.
Hate is irreversible.
There is nothing that you can ever say
Or do
Cause the shit that you do always comes back to you.

I forgive
But just as people have called me an elephant, I have a memory as such.
Go figure.

Although my plans changed.
Derailed…yet again.
I cry hard because something I want so badly has no forecast in my future.

Such is life.
I'll find a way to get over it.
Maybe this Friday a repeat of paying tributes.
Maybe a new book. In fact thats a good idea.
Maybe my new workout regimen that starts tomorrow.

Now is the time to take the power back from the powerless.
I am tired of being the powerless.

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