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5.21.2007

I love you. But I don't live for you.

I finally stopped and said wait a minute. I finally made up my mind to stop and just do it. It happened, just like that, I snapped into my senses - and stopped making excuses. This wasn't anyone's fault but my own.

Just when you think you have it all figured out - you realize that you don't know anything at all. And if anything meant picking up the pieces and starting fresh, then that's what it was.

It's nice to have it. But I don't need it. I would like to think that it was meant for me, but it's not for everyone. I thought that I wasn't a person until I had it...but I got it and look what happened.

It's not for you to get. It's for me to understand. This is my issue. My decision. My feeling. My emotion. My Experience. But it's one of those things that won't be discussed. One of those things that you file off in the drawer and you don't talk about. I don't have many of those things...the ones where I don't talk about, because I've already accepted that my life is the example and people need to see something and follow something to make sense of their own shit. I don't have a problem with that. But what I do have a problem with is being made the fool in the process. All the while, I'm open and vulnerable thinking I could trust you and I couldn't.

I grasped tight to her. I got her dressed. And took her out. She needed to get her 5 year old mind off of what just happened. She needed a break because she feels as though she sucks as a parent and she hasn't got it together yet. She's right. But again, that's her issue. I've been convinced enough.

But I'm happy. I still live. I still love. But today, I really live for myself. TARRANCE LIVES FOR HIMSELF.

I can finally be who I am.
and that finally feels good.

3 comments:

dancehard said...

Sounds like some pretty deep stuff is going on over there. I'm not sure of the specifics, nor do I feel entitled to them because as you say it's your issue. I had to sit down a minute to process this one...you know me, always trying to figure out shit :)

My question to you, and everybody else out there who carries some sort of heavy burden, is...why do you feel it is necessary to hold on to whatever is causing you pain? Why is it "one of those things that won't be discussed"? Why must the serious matters be "file(d) off in the drawer and you don't talk about it." Does that address the matter at hand? Does that build you up as a better person?

I truly do not understand this whole "me against the world" mentality and how it can help a person heal and lift their spirits. I would really like your insight on this.

Trent Jackson said...

I'm not 2pac.

kennyking78 said...

No, you are not 2Pac, but I am sort of leaning toward the thinking of "dancehard". I ask the same questions.

I understand figuring out things in one's own mind, space, and time, but I have never subscribed to the school of thought of keeping baggage around me.

You do you, T. I guess only you know what's best for you.