I finally stopped and said wait a minute. I finally made up my mind to stop and just do it. It happened, just like that, I snapped into my senses - and stopped making excuses. This wasn't anyone's fault but my own.
Just when you think you have it all figured out - you realize that you don't know anything at all. And if anything meant picking up the pieces and starting fresh, then that's what it was.
It's nice to have it. But I don't need it. I would like to think that it was meant for me, but it's not for everyone. I thought that I wasn't a person until I had it...but I got it and look what happened.
It's not for you to get. It's for me to understand. This is my issue. My decision. My feeling. My emotion. My Experience. But it's one of those things that won't be discussed. One of those things that you file off in the drawer and you don't talk about. I don't have many of those things...the ones where I don't talk about, because I've already accepted that my life is the example and people need to see something and follow something to make sense of their own shit. I don't have a problem with that. But what I do have a problem with is being made the fool in the process. All the while, I'm open and vulnerable thinking I could trust you and I couldn't.
I grasped tight to her. I got her dressed. And took her out. She needed to get her 5 year old mind off of what just happened. She needed a break because she feels as though she sucks as a parent and she hasn't got it together yet. She's right. But again, that's her issue. I've been convinced enough.
But I'm happy. I still live. I still love. But today, I really live for myself. TARRANCE LIVES FOR HIMSELF.
I can finally be who I am.
and that finally feels good.