As I sit here and look around. I am wanting so bad to take a new direction in my life - but do I really need to? Am I being over-analytical? Am I even making sense? Do I just walk away now only leaving me with the urge to comeback for more? I can't live with it, but I'm so far into it, I can't live without it. I am tired of wearing the Trent Jackson make-up (not really I just need a break), I am so fuckin' tired of being misunderstood, I am tired of being the one that doesn't fit in...but wait, this has always been my life, so why change now?
I think any change is good, but I think altering my existence for the pure social satisfaction/acceptance is bullshit. I've never been fake, I wasn't raised to be fake, I don't know how to be fake. But the fact still remains that the lifestyle I am apart of is superficially draining. I don't dislike myself by any means, I just hate having to hold back certain parts of myself when engaging in certain situations, certain situations with cliquish, industry, self-important, egotistical, smug, wannabe, whack ass faggots. Do I remove myself or do I keep walking around coming off as the silently evil, guard up, bitch that people think that I am? Or do I just start being the person that people are use to hearing on my radio show? Whatever it is, I'm really just tired of retarded ass people...the gays in general.
I hate to be apart of anything, or any environment that is overly hostile and looming with traps of fags that are ready to take you down at any given second. I think I am more so frustrated that people are overly fuckin fake, one minute you're cool with them and the next minute they are giving shade harder than a Beverly Hills palm tree. But more so, all these hoes are being fake with each other, stabbing each other in the back - a mess. I don't take part in all of that. If I don't like you, I don't fuck with you period. But all of the evil, fake, messy bitches band against you when you're not fake and join their clique.
When will people get the memo...if they ever get it, that it's bigger than them? It's bigger than the house they live in, the car they drive, the books they right, the films they produce, the music they sing, the parties that the go to, the red carpets they walk, the people they get high with, the people they fuck, the bodies that they have, their bank accounts, their cosmetic surgery, the ice they rock, their HIV status, the photo shoots that they do, their hairstyle, their cell phone, the magazines they write for, the degrees they have, the work they do...what does all that mean at the end of the day if you're not living for a purpose. Well maybe your purpose is to be fake or to take part in a vicious cycle to exclude and break people down...we'll that really isn't a purpose, because that's an void that needs to be filled. But what does all of that status or material shit mean if you're not reaching people...inspiring change?
I guess the point to all of this was me just thinking out loud...I can't say this to anyone, because they won't get it or they'll say some dumb ass shit to piss me off further or call me a hypocrite. While I realize the arena that I am in, I am not going to be defeated. I'm stronger than that, I'm not made of glass. I also realizing that when you're different on another level your struggle to acceptance is a lot difficult for those who are more mainstream...if you will. But this goes back to my original thought, when I first stepped into the game: IF YOU DON'T FIT INTO THE MOLD, BREAK THE MUTHAFUCKA AND THEN MAKE YOUR OWN.
At the end of the day, I love me. I don't do this for me or for them, I do it for the people that get what the fuck I am talking about and for those that enjoy the diversity of life...