Blunt to the perfectly, naturally enhanced lips, just like his daddies. Infatuated with the boy who plays the game just as he, but probably won't get him...but wants it either way. He always envisions himself in the future, wanting to give birth to his own success, wanting to challenge people to be who they are. Sharing a good to word to anyone who will listen. He loves hard, he loves free - not carrying with him the baggage of the past that would have easily afflicted his inability to love. He wants his friends to know he loves them and he cares, even though his reality is harsh and brash...his therapist once asked of him, did he want it real or did he want it raw.
In love with the idea of being in love, coming into his own, realizing that life really isn't about this or about that...but just living.
But in the mist of all of the haze, he came to himself. And I spoke...
I always thought that redemption and forgiveness was impossible, especially since I was never a recipient of either. So that meant, if I learned through example, I would therefore repeat the same cycle over in over. In this instance my behavior was reckless, my tongue; worse than a dagger removed from fire. I’m neither delighted nor proud by my past; but it brings me to the point that I am at today.
My journey has been a long time coming. The intricate balance of trying to be who I am while not letting my past affect my interactions today while attempting to do something worthwhile has been a difficult undertaking. I’ve made choices that, I’m sure that adversely affected my interactions with people in which I haven’t even met and more over have made those second guess my intentions, my work and have altered my overall effectiveness that I wish to achieve by bringing forth a new brand of truth for not only myself, not only gay black men, but for a community that wishes to be accepted for their difference – and although the very same people have the need to be accepted just as I, I have been the biggest hypocrite by not accepting everyone for who they are. And as an advocate for the “underdog” if not the poster-boy for it on the come-up, who the fuck am I to pass judgment? I am just as bad as everyone else who as put me down. Learned behavior, or learned examples are a hard thing to break, but I’m tired of living in an unbalanced axis. That stops today.
I have a new focus: CONTROL YOU. Somewhere along the way I’ve forgotten that. Thinking that I was somehow invincible – that I couldn’t be hurt and built a Trent Jackson buffer, all the while I was cracking inside. Cracking about silly things, that made a difference, but really don’t. I’ve done almost everything that I wanted to do creatively…I wanted to challenge people to change the way people think about the gay community. But the conflict of that is that while my work may challenge what I want it to, my personal life is different. Does art not imitate life? Or does the community in which I belong to not offer anything different besides malice, contradictory feelings and shade? I don’t think so – but when you strive to be different, especially since you’ve always been different, on a different level, it’s easy to be unbalanced; it’s easy to get caught up unless you control yourself. While it’s been difficult, it can be done…with a little more persistence and realizing that life is so much bigger than you. People come, people go, you live and you learn. It’s apart of life, growing pains.
In the end I understand that I may offend people, I may be too much, but you don’t have to read and you don’t have to listen. But at the same time, it's not my intent to ever intentionally hurt anyone...that’s not what I do. I am trying to do something that no one else does in the community...stand up and be who they are without any pretense. I love being fat, I love speaking my mind – I love being me. I love being me at my own expense. But that doesn’t mean if you cross me I won’t speak my mind and tell you and anyone else how I feel.
It's difficult being you.