In the past two weeks, I have been tried, tested and have been under the most pressure in my life. I've experienced a whole lot in my 25 years. So when I tell you that this is the most that I've ever had to bend, know I am not kidding you.
Early this morning I got up and recorded a video expressing my utter disdain for life...and after grappling with the idea if I was going to post it or not - and re-examining things around me, I decided I would, but I wanted to write something too - just to get my wheels greased again.
I've done nothing. I've watched my life go from okay to horrible. From being able to do, to not being able to. I've gone from manging a habit to being a full blown addict. I've watched my mother continue to make horrible decisions that negatively affect everyone. I've watched my five year old sister act in class because she was a victim of sexual assault, which started this out of control spiral two weeks ago. I've watched my friends betray me. I'm flat out broke - I've never been broke in my life. I haven't had a day job in two months. My new book almost went into shambles because I wasn't able to get my shit together enough to get my show on the road when I was supposed to. I've had someone stalking me, leaving me notes and pictures in my car of me and my friends in intimate places. I've had to deal with all of this alone. While I don't know how I am going to pay that bill, or make it to that event because there isn't enough gas in my car - or take my sister to school, make or buy her lunch. Everyone is just looking at you, because they are so use to coming to you when they are down. Everyone wants to run to me...but who am I to run to? I laugh now - because the tables will turn...I laugh now, because just when it gets worse, it gets better again. It's also clear, that right before your breakthrough an blessing, you go through a storm.
Three people came through for me. My best friend, who is always there for me, who I am sure gets tired of hearing about bullshit...does what she can when she can do it. But I always have to remind her that she doesn't live my life, she only hears about it...that makes the difference.
My Uncle, bless his heart, who is over in Iraq, trying to stay alive himself, has kept me a float throughout the years. He single handedly has changed my life for the better, even when no one in my family cared to listen.
And Jammie, who understands the simplicity and the complexity of life - and that is a wonderful balance to have. Saw with his own two eyes, the demise of Trent Jackson right before his eyes...he was visibly disturbed...He may not understand what he did for me yesterday, but it totally changed my life. He took me to lunch - and I can count on one hand, people who I called my friends who have taken me to lunch and paid for it and not that, that even matters, but when you are 6 feet below the ground, it makes all the difference in the world. I do that for my friends all the time, and no one ever reciprocates that. A simple gesture literally moved me to tears. So Jammie, thank you for what you did - and understanding that I am not AT ALL a complex person - people make things more than what they have to be.
And my final note, I can't stand a muthafucka who hasn't experienced life - and has everything handed to them, they have no clue - and may the force be with them, because when their world comes crashing down, they won't know what to do...and when the tables turn, I will be the one that gets to watch.
You should appreciate the people in your life while they are there. Because once they are gone, there is no going back.