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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

10.03.2007

This is more of what I wanted to say...

I know what I talk about.

I live this life...you only hear about it, there is a difference. A big difference. Until you've walked two steps in my shoes, listened without judging, understood without speaking, you'll never know what it's like, you may think I have it easy and I have fun...but I would never wish my internal thoughts and my experiences on anyone...not even the people I have an utter disdain for.
A lot of my decisions are based on the way that I feel...which is ultimately based on logic and intuition, my quick ability to assess situations and people. It never fails me. Know that every time I do the opposite of what my gut tells me, I end up looking raggedy, cross eyed and confused off in a damn corner some where.

Today I am unbalanced, confused, irritated, optimistic, reserved, annoyed, anxious, nervous all at the same time. It's like that. I try extremely hard to shield my raw thoughts from people because I know I just can't walk up to someone and tell them you're a fake, shady, bitch and point out reasons why and walk off...even if I felt like it, I have to water a lot down. But there are times when I tell the truth...the raw truth...and I always feel bad afterward because it's a hard pill to swallow.

I feel extremely bad for my best-friend, I subject her to so much - sometimes it's enlightening, but when we reach the heart of the matter it's so draining that we have to both go to sleep...but until now, no one knew that I've cried myself to sleep for the past 6 months every night.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of playing. I'm tired of being serious. I'm tired of working. I'm tired of being caught up. I'm tired of people and their baggage, hell I'm tired of my own.

When is enough, truly enough?

This morning I swallowed a pill that I'd never thought I'd swallow. That I didn't want to swallow. I will just internalize it and hope it doesn't have the effect that it may potentially have.
Do you know what it's like to feel dark when the sun is out and light when the moon is shining?
Have you any idea what it's like to have dark clouds pass over the sun just as you begin to enjoy life, the fresh air, the birds, understand people for their complexities and accept people for who they are?

Imagine what it would be like to wake up everyday and see the sun, only to go outside and realize that it was just an illusion.

2 comments:

Quarter Life Crisis of a Black Woman said...

"I live this life...you only hear about it, there is a difference. " That statement is so powerful. I think that we (bloggers) are extrememly fortunate that u share a PART of yourself with us on a weekly basis. Some of your observations and thoughts mirror alot of ours. You have found your voice while some of us are still looking.

U should never think that you're alone in the struggle. Some of us are just better at masking it then others. I gurantee that for every bad day you've had their is someone out there who felt the same way u felt, had the same thoughts, and felt completely alone in a room full of people.

So keep your head up and know that eventually you'll be all cried out and sunshine will eventually come from you cloud.

I probably should have emailed u! oh well!

DH said...

I admire you for your honesty and your persistence to say what you really feel even though you have no clue who may be listening or reading. Your words make living bearable for me and I thank you...