Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

12.06.2007

thoughts in non prose with semblances of appreciation.

i appreciate the quiet moments. when everything is still. the phone isn't ringing. im'z aren't buzzing. myspace is off. i like to sit and reflect. if not take in the beauty of breathing dirty air...i can still breathe. reflect on the moments past. drama that has held me captive. a body that has sheltered and hid me from many things, but has told them all at the same time. thankful for talents. thankful for a family that i can't stand, because my mind has tricked me into thinking they can't stand me, but the issue is that we were never really able to sit down and understand each other because of the generational cycles that plague us like famine in far away lands that i am grateful that i don't know anything about. i am thinking about all the relationships lost. the friendships tarnished that i want back that i know that will never be the same. i think about sara and why it isn't like it use to be. one thing is fore sure that you can't change the past and it is apart of who we are today...and it always predicts the future, just because people never really change only the situations do. sometimes i think about the if's the and's the want's the maybe's and how they'll never count for my journey, my constant stuggle, my continuous evolution. i think about my childhood friends and how i had many i only ended up with one...i often wonder how sirr, dujuan, cory, fat daddy & nitty are doing and hoping that they are well...longing for that time when we had fun and we weren't worried about the trappings that life had to offer. the best time in my life where I actually thought I fit into the puzzle, when I really didn't. thinking about the music that defined my happy days. the days where i started to eat out of pain. the days when i hid the fact that the house on lasalle that my mother worked so damn hard to get was actually the house i wanted so badly to go away - because the once happy moments were overshadowed by the names i was called...where i was molested...where my uncle left...where i got my first almost everything...i remember tuesday pulling up in her black nissan sentra...we would listen to lalah, pebbles, janet, troop, hi-5, al.b.sure, new edition, guy, karyn white, johnny gill...the moments that I treasure, that no one can seem to understand why I play out that music still to this day. but it always brings me back to the thought of my grandmother. yesterday would have been her 81st birthday...and as I looked in to the face of my newborn cousin born just hours ago -watching him be born changed my life. it allowed me to live. it allowed me to cleanse. it allowed me to understand that life is so worth living, even though we loose friends, even though we go through shit, even though LIFE happens...it's worth living. i appreciate the bad moments. i appreciate the good moments. i appreciate all the misunderstandings. i appreciate the dating drama. i appreciate. i appreciate. i appreciate. even though i complain. even though i am unappreciative. even though i dont always do whats right...still, even still, I am blessed. if one thing is for sure...i wouldn't trade anything for the live that i have. sometimes i get salty over all the trees that block the sunlight on my house - because people won't be able to see the good that I am doing...it annoys me that people who abuse the system and have no regard for the universal law have all of the sunlight in the world...or at least it seems that way.

i didn't expect to get all...
but someone has to be the one to say it's okay to just be.
someone has to be the one to share.
if you don't say it no one will ever know.

if it wasn't for my uncle duwayne, there would be no At This Moment. I wouldn't have a car to drive. i wouldn't have bills paid or caught up. i wouldn't have any semblance of supportive family. it isn't always about money. my uncle has single handedly changed my life because of his support and his belief in me excelling and maximizing my potential when I thought there was nothing there. i appreciate

if it wasn't for chereese, my best-friend there would be no book or a book tour. she held me all the way together during the drama this summer. through the break ups. through the turbulence with my mother. through all of the court cases - people suing me left and right over complete bullshit. she's bought me food, she's cried with me, she's laughed with me and at me. she's been a friend - and i only wish that everyone would be lucky enough to have a friend like her.

i appreciate peter for everything that he does behind the scenes...just because he's that type of person.
i appreciate josh for being patient and understanding. he knows that it's not easy being an artist.
i appreciate nicole for helping me with my book launch in los angeles.
i appreciate raquel for being the first to give me feedback and being genuine every time we interact. that is priceless.
i appreciate jammie for seeing me at my worst. and not telling anyone (lol) but i know how hard it must have been seeing me in that state. i thank him for understanding my struggle and process and giving me time.
i appreciate adam.dwight.shorty.dj. for being the pieces to the puzzle...experiencing that genuine divine euphoric connection is priceless.
i appreciate lalah for welcoming me and playing a critical part in the good memories. her music served as a backdrop for time i spent with tuesday - that magic will always be somethin'
i appreciate my mother for calling me fat.calling me stupid.and telling me that no one would like me. i appreciate her being nice on the surface but a bitch underneath. it taught me so well how to deal with people and gave me the power to undo everything bad in my own life.
i appreciate anyone person that has given me a compliment only to slight me in the same breath.
i appreciate anyone who has said or thought a good thing about me.
i appreciate those who have played a part, good, bad or ugly. you've made a difference. a positive one.

i looked at his face. innocence.
they cried.
i remained calm.
i was in awe.
i was in complete and utter amazement.
i saw life happening.
i didn't think about the bad or the good things that would happen in his life.
i thought about his purpose. he was sent here for a reason.
he inspired me to further tap into mine.

4. the day she died, the day that he was born.
1. the month that it happened, he the first born son, one day before her bday.

one thing remains. at the end of the day none of us have it together so we all need to stop fuckin' pretending like we do. appreciating means taking the good, the bad, the ugly and the shame that comes along with all of that.

thank you for your time.

1 comment:

dancehard said...

you were speaking some truth with that last statement.

However, in the midst of recognizing and acknowledging your strengths and shortcoming, the goal must be to constantly improve yourself. I'm not talking about a new body or a beyonce makeover, unless those areas need to be addressed. I'm talking about improving you improving your mind, thoughts, spirituality, self-efficacy, growing to forgive, building your grace and humility, being that example for somebody else, and truly pursuing HAPPINESS.

I find it crazy as hell when people figure out they are kinda fucked and the STOP there. Naw, it's all about GROWTH! And you my friend are growing. Acknowledging those vices, shortcomings, and fatal faults and DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Keep growing, in spite of those who want you to stay where are. In the end, you end up outgrowing and outshining them anyway so you don't expend your energy on the dumb shit.

Stay strong boy.