The world is turning and I feel it moving.
Declarations of independence signed...by both parties.
Find myself not having to answer. And for what? So you can convince me otherwise?
No disrespect is really what I want to say.
Kanye was right when he said, "I can't keep myself and still keep you too."
Platonic...sometimes too ironic.
In serious work mode. I've lived the Pop Life.
Some. What most don't get is that an authentic researcher does not gather his data by merely watching. Or reporting stories told. He does this by simply,
becoming the subject of his own examination.
Some of us have to die to so others can live.
I don't feel like answering. Just because the phone rings does that mean we have to answer it?
Forgive me father for I have sinned.
I am aware of redemption and karma.
I exercise it wisely. They know...is that why they do what they do?
Is that why you prepared a table for me, before them?
The last supper.
Lauryn told us in 98, "Forgive them father for they know not what they do."
I am not exempt.
But I became them and I knew better.
Became something that I am not.
I looked out into the shadows of my soul - and lit the match.
to warm my own heart.
my own soul.
I love getting in touch with myself.
I only wish everyone else did that more often.
Thinking out loud.
Thinking way too much.
Someone has to do it.
We don't do it enough...
I've come to terms with it...just that quick.
Thinking out loud.
Clearing out the old.
Bringing in the new is cool. It's all about the timing.
We forget to give our spaces time to breathe...and enjoy that new smell again.
The innocence that is trapped somewhere in mid air.
and let it ride...
E-40 - Break Ya Ankles
Keyshia Cole - Make Me Over
Jamie Fox - Digital Girl
Brutha - I can't hear the music
Whitney Houston - One Of Those Days
Bobby Brown - Get Away
Common - Universal Mind Control
T-Pain/Kanye - Therapy
Estelle - Come Ove
Joe - By Any Means
Kanye West - Paranoid
Brutha - I can't hear the music
Keyshia Cole - Shoulda Let You Go
Kanye West - Love Lockdown
Janet Jackson - Feedback
Beyonce - Scared Of Lonely
Lalah Hathaway - What Goes Around
It's funny how life works sometimes. One minute you're up, the next you're down...wishing that trick ass nigga that you don't need will bring his sorry ass around. (lol) FALLACY I tell you.
I conquered it. I went and faced all the things and the people that I have an utter disdain for. And once I over came my fear my existence in this world was re-confirmed.
Tonight I learned to stop giving my power away to people. Tonight I learned to stop making myself available to those who don't deserve my time. Tonight I learned that if you deleted their number during sweeps once, you're (me) the stupid ass if you're deleting it twice. I also learned that nothing is forever and things change, but this only happens if you logically examine what's in front of you and to do that, you have to understand that things will always get uncomfortable. But without discomfort in your life, then you'll never grow.
I didn't answer my phone for anyone who called my phone yesterday. I've been reserving my right to actively end others blatant dependency on me...But reluctantly I answered for him, only because he's in my Five Faves...And I was mad that I did that. I should have just let the phone go to voice mail, just like I first thought. But for some reason, I thought that he was calling to redeem himself, but instead he tried to cover up the fact that he was wrong on some level and that his courtesy wasn't exercised, neither was his best judgement. One thing I hate is being lied to, especially over something petty. I could have just excused his behavior...in fact I did, it wasn't even water under the bridge - it was more like Pebbles when she gave us "Giving You The Benefit." But the fact that he tried to clean up his error with a lie was a slap in the face and it says a lot about his character. I wish people would not say anything when they know they are wrong or when they know that they did something to get under my skin. It's best to just let time fix it or just come clean...not lie. Now that I have it out of my system, I can move on.
I was proud that I exercised myself control in public. I wanted to kick his ass, as I promised him I would if I ever saw him in public for stealing my bottle of Marc Jacobs cologne. Sometimes your presence is enough to make a bitch run for cover...especially since the last time he heard an utterance of my name, I was allegedly dead. But it's not over. I always study my subject and wait before I make any moves.
Even though he kept me waiting after dragging me out of the house, I didn't get mad. He really helped me get over my social phobia. He doesn't know that he and his litter of narcissistic sociopaths have inspired me to continue to be the fierce muthafucka I am. People think that you never change. Had this been last year, I would have called him and told him about himself. But you never have to tell people how miserable they are, especially when they are up to the same shit. Again, your presence should be enough to shut a bitch down...especially when you're 60 pounds lighter...and you're glow shines through the fog and it's brighter than the moon.
It's so funny how hoes that band together always want to make catty comments amongst themselves as they always do, and shade me harder than a sunset in Miami on a cold winter day but I wish people would really understand that death and karma are inevitable. The key to being successful, being happy and getting what YOU want out of life requires one simple thing: That you treat people with dignity and respect.
Beyonce - Diva
Lauryn Hill - Lost Ones
Kanye West - Heartless
T.I. Ft. Rihanna - Live Your Life
Jay-Z - Jockin' Jay-Z
Ludacris - Nasty Girl
Slim - So Fly
Lalah Hathaway - Breathe
This morning when I woke up, I had a conversation, alone, by myself, with my mother, heard the voices of my Godfather and Tuesday before rolling over wishing I could wake up next to someone who could understand my complexities, but recognize me for the amazing person that I am. I try and refrain from speaking out of turn because I know the damage that words they can do. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can too, especially if it's the truth.
I wanted to call my uncle and tell him that I wanted to move there. But I rely on him way too much, just as my mother does me...to help me patch my long term emotional dilemmas, when I'm the one that needs to deal with them head on and continue to carve my path of responsibility for self.
I hate her. She called me in the middle of the night to complain about things that were undone. Things that she could do herself. The older I get, the more I notice the trends of life; my Grandmother raised me while my mother worked (which is all she'll ever know how to do, because that's all she's ever done). I have to raise Essence...why? Because both of her parents are so use to being irresponsible, delegating their responsibilities on others, then blaming them when the shit turns out from how they planned it. I am my Grandmother, 20 years ahead. That ends today.
I didn't have kids, I don't want kids - and it's not my fault she caught the wrong semen, from what I understand, from her mouth, in her opinion twice, in a 20 year gap. Irresponsibility. How do you manage to make the same mistake, twice, over a 20 year time span? I have nothing to do with that. In my family having children is a curse. That's why God made me gay so I can break this shit...
Somehow, it's my fault she washed through 100,000 in a years time period with nothing to show for it. She's angry. She's miserable. She's bitter. And all of the things that she is, I am, was and no longer want to be. All of this stems from her father beating her mother and not being validated by her family. All of this stems from not standing up for herself and just taking whatever people gave her. She strived for nothing. And she shut down and stopped living. That shame, that regret, that feeling of hopelessness passed right through me and to everyone else in my family...which makes it harder for me, because I'll be dammed if my sister grows up with the same emotional issues I did. It's not fair for her to be subjected to instability every day.
Yesterday was a mess...I hadn't seen him in a month. He looked at me like a deer in headlights. He acted like he didn't know who I was. A slight touch on my elbow, meant something, but his face, expression and minimal word usage said it all. Nothing was expected, but I wasn't expecting a cold reception and what made it all worse is the fact that it wasn't planned. I just ran into him. Which made it more uncomfortable. I did what I did for him out of the kindness in my heart, I wanted nothing in return...except the common courtesy of "Hi, how are you?" rude ass muthafucka...the nerve of people to ever ask why. All you have to do is look at the way you treat other people and you'll know why. At least I've learned that.
I don't get butterflies when I see him. Him as in the current, Dress Rehearsal. I just feel comfortable being around him. I don't feel like I'm the show when I'm with him. He knows Tarrance, he likes him even...I can tell. But one thing I hate about text messages is you can't read emotions. And I over reacted, that's why I kept it to myself. It had nothing to do with him. It was the resurfacing of issues revisited brought on by my mother, brought on by my family that I wasn't apart, that I don't belong and no one accepted me.
As I sit here hours before I record my show, hours before I return to that house to start to cook for ungrateful people, minutes before I get her daughter ready for school like I do everyday, because the mother is emotionally disconnected and the father is a recovering herionholic one thing I will not do on thanksgiving day is pray with her. I will not pray or link hands with anyone I hate or people that I can effectively communicate with. And being an effective communicator means to be able to admit your faults, your wrongs and your responsibilities. Even though I had left the building hours before - she called me saying I left dishes at the sink in her house...but moments before, "Me and Essence ate..." bitch get off my phone.
It's clear that no one ever validated them and told them they were special. No one confirmed their dreams. No one told them they could make it - and that had to have been a hard pill to swallow especially when all of them had the potential to be great. I see the good and creativity in all of them. The what if factors use to be amazing to dream about...but their father was do busy sleeping around, beating them, their mother and leaving them in desolate isolation. No water, no power, no food growing up. Their mother was too busy trying to make ends meet for 9 kids. And in the midst of all of that, no one confirmed them and told them they had worth. Just as my mother never told me I was worth something.
I am looking at my cousin, asleep on my couch. The only real time that we have to rest without being bothered. But we wake up tired, because we think too much while we are sleep. He and I are a month a part. Thick as thieves. Lacking the same things I lack - but we're both on a quest to get past this road block, this mountain of mental and emotional baggage our parents and Grandfather left for us to to clean up. I love him a lot. I respect him and I understand him...and I am happy for the things that he will do in his life.
My long hard battle with self-hatred is coming to an end. I don't blame my family for any of their wrong doings because they truly don't know what they are doing. They are so use to operating out of insecurity, fear and rejection they think it's right. Just as no one said it was okay and validated them - no one said it was okay to turn to God, the God that is within us all. To start the process to love from within, so they could be the change the wanted to see.
<-----I don't know how the photographer caught that expression on my face, but I found it hilarious and bizarre at the same time. It's me...I like it.
So Wednesdays show will be a late edition...so check back here tomorrow around 1pm Eastern/10 am Pacific for the show...
I'll be talking about new music from T-Pain & Deborah Cox...and a few other things...you know how I do.
But I also noticed how much I use to write and how lazy I've gotten with this blog. I forgot why people started coming to my blog...to read, not listen. I think I should return to that. I never really noticed how much my daily writing actually not only inspired me, but inspired others as well. I rarely read the archives of my blog - but this morning as I cleaned out my email box (I can't believe I deleted over 6,000 emails) I went through the comments of this blog from 2005-2006 and beyond - and how much I've inspired people over time.
This year had to be the most revealing year for me, personally. But it was a culmination of so many different things that I'd never thought that I'd experience in my life.
Last night I got an email from a very good, dear friend of mine that I've know since high school. And I always credit this guy for allowing me to come into my own. He was one of the first to really accept me as a person. I remember one day, my 16th Birthday to be exact - he stopped me in the hall and said "Sorry I missed your party" went into his pocket and pulled out a 20$ That was a lot of money 10 years ago...lol gas was 98 cents a gallon...But I said all that to say, we never really talk, but he was the first person that I really articulated to where I am at in my walk today.
Here is what I said...it's something that I've been wanting to say out loud for a while....
Wow...It's been an entire year to be exact.
I hate the fact that the symphony always seems to come to town when i do...The word is that "Whats good?" is a loaded question these days...
But I will summarize the best that I can.
First - let me say thank you for always being supportive and accepting of who I am as a person, I only wish that there would have been more people like you to enter my life, but I am just now getting the memo - that it's all about how you treat other people. I've always thought that I've treated people correctly - but that's not always the case. I appreciate your consistency, something that has never been present in my life, but I am learning that in order to get what I want, I have to become what I want.
For most of my life...I was never allowed to be who I was. I didn't come from a family environment that fostered anything positive so that insecurity that I've always operated out of always seemed to surface and become a recurring theme in my life.
Fast forward the beginning of my adult life - I knew what I wanted to do, I knew who I wanted to be, but still didn't know how to quite get there and trying to figure that out in front of everyone, is a task that I didn't think i would have to undertake.
Somewhere in my life - things blurred. I took a lot of friendships for granted, i made dumb decisions, i let my negative family infiltrate my thinking which let to more unhealthy decisions. At the end of everything I was 330 pounds and addicted to drugs, which is when you saw me at my book release party last year. Not the happiest days of my life. Not to mention everyone around me watched me spiral - and continued to feed it. From drugs, to food to whatever - excess of everything. In the midst of all that, my sister who is had been molested - my mother, couldn't deal and just shut down...and as always I had to be the responsible one for everyone else while I never FOUND WHO TARRANCE WAS. I never took responsibility for me and my actions.
I went to Europe in February to visit my uncle. He sent me a plane ticket and gave me the space to start the process of getting back to me. I was tired of being Trent Jackson; a person I created out of fear. A person I created out of shame of being Tarrance. By February I felt like I was finally someone. Someone that everyone liked (even though they didn't) i walked into a club, people knew who I was, people at Target knew who I was...it was like; Hey there's Trent Jackson!! I was taking pictures, shots of Patron, smoking weed and getting high with famous people that I admired growing up. I thought that I had made it - but during all of that I realized that the greatest conflict is trying to be something that you’re not. The two cannot co-exist...my uncle allowed me to realized that. It was like for the first time in my life, I realized that you're not supposed to fit in - and it was okay to be exactly who I was. I realized that I had been robbed all of this time of life, being something I had no business being, listening to my family; who had their dreams stolen - eager to take mine.
As soon as I got back to the states after my trip - I started to change. I did a lot more soul searching and coming to grips with the things that happened in my childhood. I started to unravel. I examined everything with a microscope and that led to more drugs...more drinking, but I had gotten my eating under control - so that was no longer an issue. But I was drunk and high every night of the week from March until July, then I finally had a break down.
I walked away from my entire life in July. I was tired of myself, I was tired of everyone being dependent on me to think for them, help them do this, help them do that. No one had ever been there for me but me. I felt that I had to take a drastic measure to get Tarrance back and I did.
I wrote a letter. Left it. I got in my car and was out. I had driven to the desert and just slept for days.
I came back to L.A., I checked into a dual rehab program, more mental (psychiatric) than anything...
I'm working on starting my life from scratch for me. Friendships that I've had for 20 years are gone. All of my friends are obsolete. My credibility as an artist is tarnished. Everything that I worked hard for is gone. So I'm back at square one. Undoing whats been done. Restructuring my boundaries - and learning and knowing 100% who Tarrance is. It's fun. I like it. I love me and the people that matter love it too.
Didn't I say I was going to try and summarize? Well there it is. Let me just say that you're the first person that I've told this to. I almost want to turn this into a blog post. I've been trying to say what I just said for a long while. All of the therapy and questions from family... You're the first. But it's funny cause you were the first boy I had a crush on!! LMAO!!!!! And even though we're not as close as I'd like to be, you're always right there when I'm able to say what I have to say.
I've always admired you as a person. Even though I haven't always respected that and have not always kept my word with you - you've been there...isn't your birthday coming up? I owe your ass big time too!!! Even though it's hard for me to admit my irresponsibility I owe you. I have to make you dinner or something.
I'm slowly and cautiously coming back to the world like Tevin Campbell. But thank you for asking about me (genuinely) I don't get it a lot...even though I am at least genuine with people.
Anyway it took me two hours to write this...not that, that means anything - but I had to be honest with someone who has always been forthright with me.
Thank you for being a friend...
thursdays are not my days.
neither are sundays.
even I try to find the best of these days, I do a lot of cleansing and purging these days the most. which make me more susceptible to having a nigga moment: I really hope I can hold myself together, cause I feel a lot of people are about to get physically fucked up. I am so tired of being nice.
it's crazy how my brain works. but check it out.
i grinned. smiled to myself. and made a mental note that i was good. which meant that tonight i had the most memorable sex of 2008 a couple of hours ago. i mean my on again off again jump-off from Compton couldn't even top this.
i walked up his stairs - he looked just like his picture...better. check
looked him in the eyes - i knew he liked what he saw. check
he signed the paper and gave his thumb print. most don't (bitch it's a serious game)
and just like that he kissed me. slammed me against his wall, rough just the way he sensed i liked it. tongues touched. bodies kissed. arms pinning me down against...his 5'7 frame. thick 180 and more intense than i would have thought. a few phone conversations a few racy text messages...and just like that, i dropped down to my knees and gave him a sample of what the warmth of my...could do. he grabbed my head - pulled of my had and grabbed my hair, just the way i like it...now everyone knows. i'm a hoe. but only in October...no explanations, my body needs this.
he guided me to his room. well appointed. laid on his back and gave him the intense thrash of my tongue while my mouth tightened and gripped his thickness and throbbed in my mouth...it was just what i wanted - the kind of intense sex that involves body contact, moans, screams of passion when one experiences what they've envisioned in intricately detailed self touching sessions.
just minutes before she and i chilled. a refresher. even though andre is acting an ass these days, she's patient...we were sitting there. daily blend tall, vanilla latte, tall in tow. enjoying the brisk air of magic johnsons starbucks.
he made eye contact. i gave her notice. 30 seconds too long. he broke the rule. trying to figure if she and i were together...was i? just in case. two tens. he calls for a split. one is an eleven, the other is a 10.
a kall from him about her. a debrief. unintentionally not listening to him. something there through silence i always pick up.
a text message to the tone of take you down zoned me back into his room where moments later 30 minutes after he was on stomach flexing his muscle on my mouth - he was straddling my face and just as he told me he didn't. not once. not twice. not three times. but 4 times in his mouth. i have a thing about people keeping things that belong to me. back on his stomach. unroll. glide and in i went. against his wall. my moisture on his neck. hand on him. an hour past. fast. intense. passionate...
neck. torso. belly button. nipples our tongues flickered. he did it where i like it. and just like that a four day marathon is over and complete...until next october.
now on my way to work...the studio. the shit was so bomb i had to come home and make some of those ghetto style quesadillas that you can only get at the greasy after the club, 2 a.m. joint...the kind where they make them out of corn instead of flour tortillas and they end up being greasy...yeah. thank the anorexia gods for pam cooking spray and whole wheat tortillas.
god is amazing. god is real. even though religion is a sham...and 3 white people with Obama buttons in one day is also amazingly real.
It's been two weeks since I've met with Janet Jackson and I am still processing that. I have 3 pages written of my essay which will become a blog at some point...I just don't know when.
I'm in love with my penis all of a sudden. And this came out of no where, like I have this strange need to show it to people...lol, we'll come back to this later...I know where it came from tho. It's funny when you start becoming comfortable with your body, you start doing and paying attention to things you haven't done before.
I'm glad that I've waited this long to allow a man to enter my body. I think that self respect and finding the right one to share that intimate experience with is priceless.
My brother is right, I think too much and I should just live.
I can't believe what I'll be doing in 16 days!!!
I am glad that I can follow and trust my instincts. But since I know that they are accurate 100% of the time, I know something that I can't share yet.
It's really interesting to see how people react...and the guilty ones always react the loudest, the most and the hardest. Is it ever really that serious?
P.S. Besides the Subway on 17th and Corcoran, where the hell can a nigga get a decent Pastrami??? ooooh - it's soooo off my diet tho.
Standout Tracks: Spotlight, My Heart, Pocketbook, Giving Myself, Invisible
P.S. I love the fact that Jennifer and Fantasia did a song...but I could have done without the sewer litter subject matter.
I've been a fan of Robin Thicke since he entered on the scene under the string of Pharell Williams and Andre Harrell, riding through New York City on a Bicycle with long hair resembling a washed out transplant hippy from San Fransisco light yeared to present day. I think what I love the most about Robin Thicke he is himself...and the original Justin Timberlake, if that makes sense, if you get what I am saying has been consistent in making great music from the start and that's what he does. He is very accurate in his experience being white singing soul (black) music (ask Teena Marie how she feels)and I love that he voices that, however, he's popular because he's white. Many BLACK artists who have been clearly been influenced by Marvin Gaye, Donny Hathaway and Stevie Wonder have not seen the minimal success that Mr. Thicke has...so I think he should continue doing him and enjoy his privileges while he can...because Maxwell is on the horizon, but that doesn't mean he didn't make a phenomenal CD. Put on your headphones or what ever listening device you have and the output will instantaneous remind you of the orchestrations of Barry White. The vintage soul sound of the 70's will creep through with enough dash of acoustic guitar to remind you of a salsa dancing scene...or a a feel to watch Saturday Night Fever. I think Robins use of instruments is brilliant. He infuses strings and horns better than I've heard anyone do in a while - and the fact that he uses instruments that you can distinctively identify makes him more universal, which makes him a real musician. Overall the cd is a great feel good CD that is for clear relaxation purposes...I think Terrance Howard was trying to achieve what Robin did with his new cd...take notes. B
Standout Tracks: Magic, Loverman, The Sweetest Love, Something Else, Cry No More, Sidestep
Joe is one of my favorite male singers. Johnny Gill, Brian McKnight, Rahsaan Patterson are the others. What I like best about Joe is that he always seems to some how craft the perfect R&B CD each and every time, this time is no different, except he didn't write any of the tracks, which is far left from what the 7 Grammy Award nominated, 16 year industry vet usually does. When an artist goes off and does something different a few things could happen; but what does usually happen is that "magic" that makes them there isn't as strong as it usually is. Joe defied the odds and put together a stellar R&B that Usher should be jealous of. While Joe's material isn't bad, it' isn't the the material that I'm use to hearing him sing. He usually gives us ballads and more raw singing. The signing and the ballads, yes - but there was a lot more fast tempo songs than I expected. Vocally, Joe will always be on point - he can sing anything and make it feel like hot chocolate on a winter day. I appreciated the fact that he included snippets from his next cd. What I don't appreciate is how underrated Joe is as a singer and writer. But everyone will get there due.
Standout Tracks: Why Just Be Friends, By Any Means, Chameleon, Sorry, Hurt Behind My Eyes. A-
Ne-Yo has an innate ability to write songs out of this world - he also has that creative spark to entertain you during a live performance. So it should be no surprise that the modern day Babyface came with an R&B/POP infused CD that is going to only solidify his place in music. The only two things I didn't like about his CD were his constant sipping of Jesus Juice that allowed him to channel his inner Michael Jackson more than once. I could almost see Ne-Yo doing the "Smooth Criminal" in the booth and grabbing his Sidekick exposed dick in honor of his idol. The other thing I could have done without was the all of the cross over writing he was doing on this album, but this only validates my theory that he's done with performing and he only wants to focus on writing - the thing that not a one industry vampire can suck him of. And it doesn't hurt that he has a backbone and isn't afraid to call you out, I appreciate him 100% more for that. Another great CD, but I don't think we'll be getting anymore...and I think we're all okay with that, but if there is another one it will be in a while and we'll either won't care or appreciate it better than we did the others.
Standout Tracks: Nobody, Single, Miss Independent, Fade Into The Background B-
P.S. Why hasn't he done something with Guy, New Edition or Babyface first? New Kids on the Block could have waited.
you speak to me in the still of the night - when I'm myself. Unedited by the worlds politically correct assumptions. Only holding me back from saying what I really wanted to say to you.
somewhere along the complexities of our lives; we were taught to deflect and pretend. But in the end the immediate unmasking took place and i somehow missed the sign that you threw me...only holding you back from saying what you really wanted to say.
yes...if you only knew.
watching from afar knowing you were hot to the touch.
never making eye contact...only glimpses of your character...now remembering when it happened.
now i'm sitting here with my decision already made.
you made the effort. you planted the seed.
it's up to me to water it.
and it keeps pushing me to say...
i'm on my way.
Now, so I am sitting with Andre, thrashed on a midnight run to Popeye’s… (OMG, the actual thought of me writing this out loud made me laugh in shock and utter disbelief. A midnight run to Popeye’s? That is bizarre. But it happens to the best of us.) So as I am driving down the block, I hear an advertisment – yes AD-VER-TIS-MENT, not advertisement, there is a difference, that Johnny Gill, Bobby Brown and Ralph Tresvant will be performing a concert in Los Angeles on November 9th. I had to pull over the car and make sure I heard this right…my first concert ever in LIFE WAS THE NEW EDITION, BBD, RALPH TRESVANT W/ AL B. SURE! CONCERT AT THE FORUM! DON’T PLAY! I immediately made my decision to be at ticket master tomorrow morning after I get an Oil change to buy a front row ticket in that muthafucka, because this will put the Icing on the cake after seeing Janet Jackson perform the other night…I am still trying to process that. Why was I crying tho…?
Anyway. In my honest opinion of the court, there is one male entertainer other than Michael Jackson that will get my vote – and that is BOBBY BROWN. Call it whatever yall want to call it but BOBBY BROWN is a showman out of this planet. I don’t care what the man does when he’s off, but when he is on that stage he is serious about connecting with a crowd and giving them a show that is unforgettable and I have to witness this myself, because artists like he and Janet don’t even come out that often.
Its like why isn’t Johnny Gill, who is a premier singer (Remember Silent Prayer with him and Shanice? Don’t trip!) Still making records? He has fans, I we need a song…what yall really need to do is get the Johnny Gill album with “Rub You The Right Way” on it and get into his track, “Just Another Lonely Night” and you’ll understand why Brian McKnight is popular. Johnny Gill can sing circles around a few people I wont call out – but it’s fucked up that the people with the most talent either never get the proper credit, get hated on, or just quit because of the pressure…I am taking advantage of this show, I am not missing this concert At all.
What I love most about the music of that era, it produced some of the most phenomenal entertainers that I’ve seen in all history of black music. Not only were they great performers and singers – the feel of the music, the expression behind the music and the music that they produced evoked a unifying spirit amongst people that will never die. All of them, my favorites
I applaud singers like Shanice, Tamia, Deborah Cox, Jody Watley, Lalah Hathaway and a few others that have gone the independent route to continue to do what they do best. That is a big risk as an artist. But there are plenty of loyal fans that have been there from the start that are waiting on that moment to see some of the people that we’ve grown up with do their thing like we remember, while showing these knockoff’s what it’s really about.
I feel it’s a great tragedy that we don’t have serious award shows anymore to pay homage and rightfully pass the torch to the new era of stars like Mario, Trey Songz, Ciara, Chrisette Michelle and others, who clearly reflect and mirror that sheer raw talent like some of my favorites from 20 years ago.
Can someone revive Don Cornelius for one last get down and have him put together an all star line up featuring the stars of the late 80’s early 90’s??? Staring Karyn White!!! I need her to come from her Secret Rendezvous and for Pebbles to come from out her Backyard and Give Us The Benefit…Ooooh…and Can Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, L.A. Reid & Babyface do one collaboration album?
My point to saying all of this was that I was listening to 93.5 instead of my usual KJLH and they had such a mix of music – I felt like I was at home listening to the I-Pod. They went from Prince (Another creative genius out of the universe), “Let’s Go Crazy” to Bobby Brown then I heard that commercial for that concert and that’s when I got excited and programmed 93.5 to number one and shifted KJLH to number 2.
I mean, KJLH, I love them for what they do. Kevin Nash is great…the morning show not so much. It’s too early for me to ask where Cliff Winston is. But Theo is the Rhythm of L.A. I remember him being on the air during the Riots in 92…when it was 92.3 The Beat…wow, the good ol’ days…I’ll always associate Theo with L.A.
Can I stop rambling now…?
Johnny Gill, Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant! Sunday November 9th – 7:30! Greek Theater Not to be missed! Tickets go on sale in like 8 hours…they have other dates all over!! Relive the glory of real entertainment, great singers and the touch of some of the greatest producers of all time: JIMMY JAM & TERRY LEWIS, L.A. REID & BABYFACE.
Al B. Sure needs to quit playing too and make him a Night and Day remix.
I've been having a series of phenomenal days, even in the wake of senseless hogwash that I could do without. Life has been great - and it always has been. It's just I allowed others to spin me around so much to the point where I thought life was shit. As soon as I stopped enabling others lack of responsibility, I respected life and my place in it more.
A few years ago before I became a frequent, almost permanent, some what of a resident of the District of Columbia - I met a person who was a reader in my blog, who I lived in D.C. The first time I went to D.C. in 2006 we met and we remained in touch. A few weeks ago he sent me an IM and asked if I would be in L.A. this week - I told him only for a special event...The Janet Jackson show. He then proceeded to tell me that he was flying out...needless to say the show was AMAZING (Standby for the bigger message. September 24th 2008, the Season 6 Premier of In The Mix With Trent) and so was his presence. He reminded me why I HAVE TO continue to do what I am doing and Janet who is my sole inspiration, reminded me that we are all in a fight of Good and Evil and we are all the Chosen ones - the only reason why we were called into existence.
I am still processing, so I'll need all of the time Between now and Wednesday when I hit the Mic.
P.S., I love Ne-Yo's new CD. Lloyd is still a banger, Year of The Lover is not to be slept on!!! Janet should have had Ciara open for her and pass the torch properly - because clearly Janet is retiring after this run, although I appreciate LL COOL J as an artist as well as one of the only LEGENDARY hip-hop artist to successfully make great music over 20 years, not very many people can claim that. Janet and Lalah are true talents...for what they do so is LL. We can look at many people have fallen off between the death of Disco and the birth of great music and visibly see who is REAL and who isn't. Light always outshines darkness.
So reluctantly, I went. I replied to the dastardly text messages, and finally picked up the phone when he called.
"Sup - you sound sexy."
"Thanks, I get that a lot."
"Oh - like that?"
"You said it. I've heard it. And I know it - so it must be like that." (giggles)
"I've been told that too." (more hysterics)
"Damn, you got a lot of mouth."
"Yes - and I know how to use it more ways than one."
"Actions speak louder than words."
"Where are you?"
"Fig and Gage...(the hood mind you)"
"Oh shit, why didn't you tell me you were here."
"Actions speak louder than words. Stay ready so you won't have to get ready."
Reluctantly I went in. Didn't really want to, since I really don't like giving in to niggaz and being reduced to throat, dick and ass - I'd rather turn over and see the same man every day and have sex with that one man until I die. Too bad many of my other gay counterparts do think in terms of commitment and monogamy.
With all that has been going on in my personal life - the last episode of my aunt showing up to my door at 2 a.m. with her mother in tow would have sent me into a relapse of my former unstable nature, but I did what that man in the in patient center told me to do, not be so reactionary, a social trait egged on by my family that I thought that I could never shake.
My normal wasn't available - or better yet, I didn't try texting him, not only because I hate texting, but I want what I want, when I want it - so I'll just wait until he calls me, cause I don't do rejection. We usually hook up once every two weeks - around 10, my telepathy didn't work, it channeled my ex-husband who is trying to wreck havoc again with his teenage like charades, I can't and I won't. Plus my Granny doesn't like him.
So I pulled my dick out of my sweats as soon as I got in the door. I didn't have time to talk, I didn't really want to do it, it was done out of stress, boredom and the extreme hornyness that built up harder than the plaque on Amy Winehouse's teeth.
"Damn this shit is juicy." He said while his mediocre head skills went to work. I was instantaneously irritated, the last time I got my dick sucked it was novice...but this!!!?? I had more fun with the novice at least he was trainable. There is nothing worse than a man who has been conditioned to give horrible dome!!! Why hasn't anyone said anything to him about this! He has potential!!! But I wasn't getting paid to instruct tonight. I had sit ups to do...when I got home
I didn't respond. This was no love making session, I didn't get involved at all - I had already made up in my mind, that this was a first and a last...
He wasn't doing it for me. I maneuvered around - and showed him how dick was supposed to be sucked. I heard all the familiarities. The familiarities that the few others before him had yelled out while experiencing the warmth of my mouth...
I didn't go any further. I pulled out and although I was tempted to bang the fuck out of his ass...which was edible to the core, I decided to save that for my ex-husband...we need to have sex just to get it out of the way we can't be friends with us experiencing the explosive nature of our sexual seductive episodes. We actually talked about filming it...
I got back in Andre and talked the whole way home to Saint on my OnStar Phone...slightly taking joy in my sexual release, but enjoying the conversation with that guy I used to know only 7 years ago.
I pulled into my driveway and got a text...I was like damn, does this nigga want to be added to the roster. Instead he said...
"That shit was bomb...but I ain't trying to do it again, no Disrespect."
I replied: Coo.
"Okay, so delete my number."
I replied: Really? LOL. Don't ever give yourself that much credit. I never saved the number to begin with and besides, did you really think you did something so great for me to call you again? Honestly that was a waste of time and premium gas. Thank you for opening the door for honesty. You restore my faith that people still do care...
Where do niggaz get the nerve? No disrespect...
Contributions by: Trent Jackson
If there is someone who can’t handle me and the wonderfully brilliant, exquisite, strong, brave, fearless, loving, caring, stern, joyful, happy, blissful, phenomenal, amazing person that I am, too bad for them!
I accept myself as a forever evolving entity. I am aware of my faults, I learn from my mistakes and I make the conscious action to correct my errors, acknowledge and apologize to the people that may have been impacted knowingly and unknowingly in a negative way. I accept responsibility in all facets of my life. I operate out of security and I am walking in the path destined for greatness.
I refuse to interact with people who are opposed to action and comfortable with words. I will not interact with those who are overwhelmed by the quality of my personality and character. I refuse to interact with people who do not appreciate life, art, ambition and phenomenal, astounding, earth shattering, uplifting, enlightening conversation.
If there are lost people, I refuse to be caught up in their downward spiral. I will not allow myself to be poisoned by the words, actions, thoughts, ideas or the suggestions of others. I am in control of my life, my spirit, my mind and my body. Self-preservation is key – an elitist attitude is not.
I am on a mission to validate myself in the name of self-love, self-worth, self-acceptance, self-renewal and high self-esteem! I am walking on the road and living the vision GOD has created especially for me.
This is the beginning of a new era.
I am actively ending enabling others lack of responsibility.
I am ready for the new moon.
10:30 a.m. Pacific Standard Time
1:30 P.M. Eastern Time
Call in line: (347) 324-5713
Once in a while we experience a musician whose talent is unparalleled with anyone that we've ever seen or heard before. But only once in a lifetime will we get a musician who has the innate ability to tap into your soul on such a simplistic level that you can't help but be touched and positively affected by their artistry, their story and the calming soothe they possess. Her voice is mellow, smooth, pristinely rich, warm, welcoming and possesses a depth that is unknown to most human ears. She is Lalah Hathaway.
It was 1990 when Lalah made her debut with her self titled CD in which I immediately became a fan. The heavy drums and the mellow depth of her voice on “Baby Don't Cry,” sucked me in and left me wanting more.
Most people know her simply as Donny Hathaway's daughter, but there is more to it than that. Her latest musical contribution, her 4th solo CD, “Self Portrait” which is also her debut on Stax Records, Lalah takes an introspective look at self, while healing people in the process, steps out of her fathers legacy (not that she has been in the shadow, people just like to place you there because of the name) and solidifies her place in music history.
"This album is like a movie of my life over the last couple of years," she says. “The portrait I see of myself is of a very confident, smart woman who is extremely funny, independently wealthy and well-traveled – all things that I am to a small degree." "Every day, I realize that I’m walking toward the woman I’m going to be. She’s there. I can see her."
"Self Portrait," is a feel good CD! I really feel like Lalah heard the cries of the world, connected with them and gave back something to ease the pain we all endure from relationships, bad experiences and consistent let downs. The 12 track set, which is a complete play through from start to finish, takes you on a journey of renewal – allowing you to “Let Go,” “Breathe” and bringing you to the point of understanding that no matter what you go through “That was Then,” and you should focus on the now and she reiterates that “What Goes Around,” comes back around so you shouldn’t worry about what you don’t have control over.
“I don’t necessarily want to fit into what’s happening now,” she says of today’s music marketplace, “But I want to stand with it, doing my own thing. I would really love it if people need the record. I put a lot of myself into this album, so I hope people can hear me and understand who I am.”
Listen Live! This Friday as Lalah has an intimate conversation with me about her music, her life, and her passion.
It's so funny - when people realize that you've disconnected from them...
They do everything in their power to make it right (which they could have done from the gate, but they choose to fuck up) which means that they knowingly and willfully did wrong and tried to act as if, what you were seeing, hearing and experiencing was a complete and utter farce...
Which leads me to say - that you should always trust your instincts and intuition, they never fail you.
It is the GOD within us that allows us to operate this way.
P.S. Tomorrows show will be live... 10:30 A.M. PST/ 1:30 P.M. EST
But sometimes - nothing is best and other times it's not good enough. I've come to a point in life where I am tired of explaining myself. I am tired of pointing out things to others - only for them to come back to me and say "you were right, I should have listened." I don't get joy out of that. In fact I think it's rather annoying and disrespectful. Like if you consult me for advice - then you should use the advice that I give you, especially if you've come back to me more than once saying "you were right."
This morning I got confirmation. He sent me an email, asking me why he hadn't heard from me, etc. I so badly wanted to explain to him that I can no longer entertain fake people, who are ruled by ego and continue to use their powers for the evil and perpetuate stereotypes of the black gay community. But I am not in the business of hurting peoples' feelings nor am I in the business of saying something that won't make logical sense to a person who's brain who is at level 2. So hopefully he respects what I had to say and continues to move on with his life.
When I was 20 - when I really got into dating and going out - I immediately noticed the amount of insecurity, anger, resentment and unhappiness that ran rampant in our community, which led me to write my first book. It was those very experiences that spoke to me then, that speak to me even louder now. I was on to something then...
Something became crystal clear - something like Oprah's light bulb moment. FOLLOW YOUR FIRST MIND!!! TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!!! BECAUSE ONLY YOU KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR YOU - AND MOST OF THE TIME YOU AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOURSELF.
It's imperative to make a list and check it twice, because a motherfucker is going to show you if they are naughty or nice.
Friday August 1st 9 a.m. PST/ 12 noon EST
Former entertainment executive Terrance Dean has written a book about his experiences living on the down low in the entertainment industry. HIDING IN HIP HOP is as much revealing about the “velvet rope” worlds Dean traveled in as it is about his own tragic-turned-triumphant life.
Dean doesn’t name names, but give blind items to protect those who are discussed in HIDING IN HIP HOP. “I have no desire to ruin anyone’s dreams or careers. That’s not why I’m writing this book,” says Dean. “What I’m truly hoping for is the start of a real conversation about why, in this very contemporary day and age, we as black people are still made to feel that we cannot be comfortable in our skin? This is a particularly valid question because there is a sizable community of gay and lesbian White business leaders and celebrities in Hollywood and they are not ostracized from the industry. In fact, they are considered major dealmakers and power players. Also, why is bi-sexuality and homosexuality still a ‘dirty little secret’ in the black community?”
For Dean, he accepted his life and role as a gay black man and has been all the better ever since. He bravely left the comfortable and prestigious confines of MTV to build his organization, Men’s Empowerment. After losing to AIDS, a longtime friend, Dirk, Dean’s mother, his brothers Jevonte and George, along with Kenny Greene, lead singer of once popular R&B group Intro, Dean decided to stand up and make a bold, necessary statement. “For once, I let go of my shame and embarrassment about my sexuality…I wanted the entertainment industry to acknowledge gay black men. I wanted to let hip hop know we were just as much a part of it as anyone. The panel, Young, Black, Gifted and Gay…Powerful Men in the Entertainment Industry, was one of the most talked about and anticipated events to hit New York City at that time,” writes Dean.
Men’s Empowerment has been Dean’s call to action and HIDING IN HIP HOP is his stunning, courageous story which explains why Men’s Empowerment is necessary and important. This summer, readers from all corners will b e intrigued about HIDING IN HIP HOP. They may initially be fascinated by the “straight, no chaser” blind item stories within the book, but ultimately readers will gain a renewed appreciation for understanding why acceptance is key if we are to ever truly embrace change and promote healing.
Catch "In The Mix With Trent," live! This Friday 9 a.m. PST/12 noon EST for this powerful 90 minute interview that you won't want to miss!
First off – I despise explaining myself. If people don’t trust my logic or my ability to successfully achieve something, why support me?
In this whole ordeal – the last three weeks of my life I experienced a series of events that “iced the cake” so to speak. It had come to the point where I had been stripped down and beaten to the point where I couldn’t get up – to the point where I didn’t want to get up. Because if I got up, I would continue to be disrespected, violated, misused, misunderstood, underestimated, betrayed, tricked, bamboozled, and whatever else people could come up with. Just when you thought that you couldn’t be amazed at how far people will go to make you upset, you’ve been tomfooled again!
Then your “handlers” don’t make it any better. They tell you when, how and why you can or cannot respond – when they aren’t even out for you, the person that’s getting them paid. Money changes things and it always isn’t for the better. So – I can only do me and that means saying what I have to say…even if that means explaining myself to some degree.
In my line of work, my primary goal is to inspire and let others know that they can make it. My primary audience is black women and black gay men, although as of late, I’ve been learning that not only does my work cross gender boundaries; but racial ones as well – and that says something. However, my service first is to the community in which I am apart of: Black Gay Men. I provide a service to black men who want to be better, do better and want to defy the stereotype. They need me, they need someone to speak up for them, because too many times, people who speak the truth and want to change things for the better, often get shunned or stories never told, because they have been mislabeled and misunderstood for simply “keeping it real,” the most grossly misused statement in urban crossover culture.
I live my life openly because everyone else is afraid to say what the real deal is. I talk about my life vividly, candidly – what you see is real. I talk about my weight, I talk about my depression, I talk about my family issues, I talk about what it’s like being a black gay man who is doing something positive and everyone is trying to convince him that he is negative! I go through the same shit just like everyone else does. The only difference is that I talk about mine – everyone else is overtly concerned about what someone is going to think. I used to live like that – but that is no way to live. People who follow my work and know me on a personal level know the impact that I try to make for the better. And I know that I get through.
Someone asked me did I try to commit suicide. My response to them was, “What do you think?” As I said, I will not explain myself. People are going to draw their own conclusions regardless of what I say. The point is, I am here now; I have to deal with the fallout and the aftermath. But on the flip side people should be extremely nervous and be prepared to be uncomfortable, if they ask me why I did something. When the time of my full return comes or when I feel it is necessary to talk about my ordeal I will do that, because it is definitely something that will be talked about. And it was not a laughing matter.
It saddens me to be apart of a community that continually perpetuates negative stereotypes brought on by deep-rooted insecurity, pain and rejection. It further infuriates me that organizations local and abroad that stand in the name of change, acceptance, growth, and the empowerment of black gay men continue a malicious cycle of mental abuse; and turn their “community service” based organizations for breeding grounds of sexual objectification and the breaking of spirits; thus failing a community already damaged.
I pledged to be the difference when I first started writing about my life as a gay black man, silly of me to think that this would be accomplished without some type of emotional pitfall. I stand to be the difference in this time of change and I will always be the person I am because I am only going to get there by being true to who I am. Those have and will always be my values. But I will not stand by nor will I support any person, organization or group that not only stifles the empowerment of black gay men by not being all inclusive and accepting of all men while disrespecting me in the process. We have torn each other down way too long. We have let our ego’s get the best of us too long. We includes myself as well. I cannot speak about anything unless I’ve made confession of my own guilt and wrongdoing. We need to understand redemption is within us. Acknowledging what we’ve done ourselves, so that we can help others.
So many people give up because they are never given the chance to excel. I never had that chance, so I am taking it now and I will give people the opportunity I never had – because someone has to be the difference and break the chain. Not just on paper and not by word alone. This has to be displayed by action and my record speaks for itself.
No matter what I go through, I will always make it out. I just wish people would smell the smoke before they wait to see the flames.
It’s really all about who you have around you. Sometimes it’s not what is in plain English people. It’s what’s in the details.
I thank you for your support.
I thank you for your concern.
I thank you for attempting to understand.
In The Meantime, visit my audioblog today and listen to what I had to say.
July 30th, I return to do the 6 remaining shows of Season 5 of my radio show, “In The Mix With Trent” And I will pickup where I almost left off.
Update On Trent Jackson
Los Angeles, Ca July 14, 2008 - On Friday July 11, 2008 many fans and supporters became increasingly concerned for gay author, Trent Jackson, when news of his death began circulating shortly after a vague and emotionally distressed message was delivered by Jackson during his weekly podcast that aired July 11th. Jackson who is always candid during his podcast, expressed how extremely overwhelmed he had been personally and professionally.
When news of his disappearance and alleged death reached his staff and colleagues, a frenzied search to locate Jackson commenced immediately. Those closest to Jackson had been concerned for some time that the mounting pressure of new ventures and to meet his deadline for the completion of his third novel was weighing heavily on Jackson, as he struggled to stay on schedule while fulfilling his commitments to his radio show and book tour dates.
Thankfully, Jackson was located after going missing for several days. His family, friends and staff were extremely relieved to hear the news because many had begun to fear the worst.
Jackson is currently recovering at an undisclosed location and will be canceling all remaining calendar events.
His family and staff would like to thank everyone for their positive thoughts and prayers this past week and ask that you continue to support Jackson during his recovery.
His management staff will be contacting vendors and contractors over the next few days to discuss Mr. Jackson’s contractual obligations.
Please contact Bryan McCall for Trent Jackson Media group for any further information. 310.844.7604 firstname.lastname@example.org
I learned 7 things today:
1. There will always be an immense amount of people that SUPPORT you and all that you do no matter what, because these people know the truth...
2. there will always be only ONE person who has something negative to say. So fuck them and go to the people that I talked about in number one and let them figure out; because it's not your issue it's theirs.
3. Go with your first mind, because you know yourself best and in that, operate your own way without saying anything to anyone about it! Basically, don't give people the opportunity to sabotage or throw a wrench in your shit, because they "suggest" you do something a certain way.
4. As long as there is food there is people...and the thought of knowing that you do something that always brings people together says a lot...and it feels good.
5. Know yourself - and know what people can't take away from you, like your dignity and pride. Fuck anything else. People will try you at all times, but as long as you know the truth and the right truth, keep it moving. Karma will bless them and visit them periodically.
6. Know that you will always BE BLESSED when you operate in the right. And if you don't think so, refer to the people in number 1, they will remind you.
7. You need fake people and you need the gossips. Fake people always want to be apart (and don't even realized they are being used) and gossips will spread the word (good and bad...)
Lord thank you for this day - and thank you for constantly reminding me of who I serve.
"Oh my lord have I waited for this day" ran through my head as I woke up this morning (In the words of the great Whitney Houston in her diva duel with my favorite tranny “friend in my head” Wendy Williams.) Five Albums later, a 9-year solo hiatus – Chante Moore returns! But after it got what I wanted, I could have kept waiting…for a quality CD that is.
There is no doubt that Chante is one of my favorite artists. Her voice is calming, refreshing, soothing - something remnant of a soft summer breeze that could warm up a brisk winter day and she did exactly that on her opening song, a Nancy Wilson cover, “Guess who I saw today,” from her new CD “Love The Woman.”
I was more than excited when I heard Chante was recording a solo disc of new material. Not that I haven’t been pleased with her latest works with Kenny Lattimore (I must say that Kenny & Chante are my favorite Hollywood couple) but I was eagerly awaiting her follow-up to her 1999 “Exposed” CD which boasted great songs like Straight Up, Love’s Still Alright and Better Than Makin’ Love.
After a full and thorough play through of this CD five times I came up with this: Something is missing. And what I think is missing is proper direction. It was as if someone gave her some songs and said sing – and she did that. The great thing about Mrs. Moore-Lattimore is that she is a great singer and she can make “Jingle Bells” sound like an earth shattering eargasm which is what she did on another fantastic cover, Minnie Ripperton’s “Give Me Time.”
What I like about best about Chante is that she actually uses her voice, the range, the richness, and the quirks. She never sells out for mass appeal – which could work against you as I feel it did in this case.
The overall problem with this CD is not the voice, not the production, not the lyrics, but the vision and the direction of the CD. There is no way that you can ever mix a Jazz (like straight throwback Jazz, some Billie Holiday type shit, not Marcus Miller), Adult Contemporary and Urban/Soul sound and expect for it to flow. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take something away from it. What is clear is that there were too many hands in this pot and luckily it doesn’t fall on Chante.
My favorite track is “Always Gonna Be Something,” primarily because Chante believed what she was singing and her intense passion was present just as it was on all of her other past works, but it also helps that the lyrics are motivational and it humanizes Chante 100%.
Other standout tracks are: It Ain’t Supposed to be this way, Guess Who I saw Today, Do For You (I love the sprinkle of Yearning For Your Love), Give Me Time.
Even though I am not 100% satisfied with the disc I am very grateful for it – I am eagerly waiting on a live concert and anything she does from here on out. If you’re a Chante Moore fan the CD is a must. If you’re just getting into Chante Moore – This is not the CD to get if you want to get a full frontal of her package, checkout Precious (her debut) and This Moment is Mine (her third) you’ll appreciate her and this CD more!