I have taken three hours to write this post and still haven't found the right words to articulate my love for him, my infatuation with the other one - and my curiosity for that one. Most of the time I grapple with what to say. What to do. I feel so many things that I wish I could say or wish I could do. But my wish is to say what I feel without offending...so I'll do just that.
Whole wheat toast. One slice. No Butter. One Egg White. Scrambled. Cooked in non-stick, low fat oil. Two strips of bacon. Turkey, baked. A glass of fresh squeezed grapefruit juice. My I-pod tuned to my jogging mix that starts out with Feedback...I smiled when I woke up this morning because I am counting down the days till he gets here. 16 to be exact. At this point in the game, I believe that sexual identity is relatively ambiguous. Without going into multiple digressions on a layered topic/issue I'll just stick to my situation. Some may think that sex is a learned behavior, others feel that it is something that they have known since birth. I believe it's a mix of both.
He's listened to me cry. I've bitched, moaned, complained, called him high and drunk talking shit and through all of that he's supported me and accepted me for exactly who I was. He's always challenged me to be a better person. He is a direct reflection of me...only he's not me. He's him. The person that embodies everything that I would ever want in a man. His compassion...his way of pretending he doesn't care when I know he does. He doesn't care about my books. He doesn't care about my insecurity with my weight (actually he wants me to shut the fuck up about it.) He really cares about me, not the person that yall know or think yall know, but the person that I am getting ready to introduce yall too...Tarrance.
What happens when two people learn each other and develop an intimacy that people only dream about? What happens when that something happens. That something that crosses the line of your friendship...but you know when it's crossed it will only enhance your relationship with that person. This year is all about introspection.
The truth of the matter is that I am lonely. I have success, I've built and still building a great team of people to be around both personal and professional. I'm learning, growing and evolving every day and while I can share the good things and the bad things with my close circle, that one person that I can be naked with is missing. Sometimes I catch myself tossing in my bed, grabbing the pillow dreaming...Not in a sexual sense, just rolling over knowing someone that I deeply care about is there. I want that feeling of rolling over next to him. We've grown to know each other inside and out over the last two years, just friends, I never wanted or thought of him in that context. But something happened last summer that made me look at him in a totally different way. Something that made me say damn I love that nigga. He's the only one in my life that has mentally stroked me and challenged me for the better emotionally.
In the oddest times, I find myself thinking about him. Reaching out for him and wanting to touch him...just to be around him. His laugh that I think is adorable brings a smile to my face each and every time I hear it. Even though he is miles away and we talk or text sometimes three times a day, I sill miss him.
The summer of 2005 is one that is etched in my mind forever. I was on a book tour when I met him and at that point I wasn't even sure of what I wanted in my friends...let alone a boyfriend, not that I wanted him to be that, because I just didn't. Then I thought about the reasons why every single relationship I was in failed. I wasn't sure or upfront about my expectations. I never communicated effectively to men because they were never up for the challenge...but he was.
The thing is, it was never about sex. For the first time in my life, I had befriended a straight man who didn't care that I was gay and I could be open with him about what was going on with me.
Then it hit me. I was comfortable with him. He was comfortable with me - and though two summers had past since we met, I told him I had something to tell him. "I want you to fuck me."
The first time I had uttered those words to any man. I compiled a list not too long after I met him. 7 spaces on a piece of paper. His name being the first. Not completely full, still being the first.
Sex is just sex. But it, just like anything else, if used inappropriately can be deadly. I always told myself that I would never loose my virginity (anal) to a one night stand, to someone I didn't know or someone I didn't have respect for. The person had to be someone that I could be free with. That didn't care that I didn't fit the stereotype of traditional beauty. That didn't care about things that really didn't matter at the end of the day.
I marked my calendar. 16 days.
He loves and respects me so much that he would do anything to ensure that I was happy. And even if that anything meant that he would do something that he probably never even thought of before or maybe never even do again, he would do it...because that's the connection we have. And as mind blowing as that is...he's the person that I've always wanted in a friend and damn, I have it...no material thing, no amount of money could ever replace that...and for that I'll always love him. Even though I give him drama - he see's beyond that and he knows that I have his back, just as he will have mine....lol
I think we put way too much emphasis on relationships and falling in love and looking for the right person to be with, instead of letting things just take it's course. You never know what will happen. You never know who is thinking or feeling the same thing for you. I've been told by a few people that I always bring things out of them that they never knew existed. I would have never thought I'd meet a person to do the same for me. I never thought I'd be at this point. Well, I kinda did. But I never thought it would come this soon. I'm bisexual.