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How I Feel

Up until I spoke to him on my first trans-Atlantic call to him, I was nervous. I see him exactly for who he is, it's calming - there is this understanding. But knowing his logic. The way he selects people to be used for his specific ulterior motive of the moment, do I not think that he does not do the same to me? I know he what does that say about me? Does that mean that all of my values are false? Does this mean that everything I believe in for the grounds of friendship are just as faulty as the idea of, you always get what you want even though you know that you always have to settle for more or less of what you wanted? I love him. I know he loves me. That understanding, that is there - I don't have that with anyone else. We all tell people what we want them to know, which is deceit in itself. We are so afraid of what other people think and what they are going to say...I am glad that I am experiencing Europe for the next few... But I am mad that I lost my digital camera...

I love that every country I visit, the particular websites (blogger, myspace, gmail, t-mobile) all form to the countries specific language. It's really crazy...and usually there isn't a toggle to switch to an English version. I think the scariest thing is when I flew into Frankfurt, Germany the other day I was in the wrong passport line! So I stood in line then I had to stand in this other line to be grilled by this big frankenfurter muthafucka. It was interesting...I've been videoing most of my experiences here, so I preferred that better than the still shot, pictures are so blah to me now. I want everything recorded; it has something to do with Rule No. 31: "Everyday start your legacy." And a legacy isn't just about death, it's about documenting your life and your accomplishments so that you can be proud and learn your errors...or pay attention to certain things that only you know exist...and how to fine tune them. Death isn't bad, sometimes you have to die to be born again...and I'm not speaking literally...

Before I left Amsterdam, which I must say is a very peaceful place. I've heard people compare Amsterdam to Sodom and Gomorrah, because of the drugs and the sex - but I understand why so many people retreat there. Although I don't know all of the history, I know that I felt very calm and free when I was there. I experienced REAL freedom for three days and the drugs have nothing to do with it. The vibe of that city is just so relaxing and peaceful, like and then when you do smoke! You just enjoy life and nothing bothers you (me). Versus when I am at home I am just thinking about the multitude of shit that boggles me daily from my sister to my company to my family to me being fat! I am still thinking way too much...and if you're in a place that has a certain hostility, you can't really be peaceful in that...and L.A. has a very hostile vibe. No one smiles, even the kids have frowns. The genuine experience is baffling...because people are just happy over here...and tapping into that and seeing how FAKE Americans

I've learned that my complexity is immensely greater than what I thought. As I sat and attempted to tell my uncle about how much shit I went through last year - and told him how I just recently found something I wrote when I was 18 in my high school planner. The question was asked, where do you see yourself in 7 years. I envisioned myself to have graduated from Law School, with a Range Rover, living in View Park - and having published a book by the time I was 25. And he got up and walked off...telling me he was going to buy something. And maybe he just chalked it up as me being high...but I am more able to freely express myself when I am on that Amsterdam!!!! After he walked off I realized that I had two of those things done already...and if I worked a little harder all of the things that I ever wanted would come to pass because two of them had all ready been done.

For a moment I felt like fact I did, to myself - but a tear didn't fall. I just acknowledged what a blessing it was to be in my position and how all the stuff I had been through really didn't matter, because I made it through and even though my mom told me I wasn't going to be shit and no one supports my dreams, I didn't give up. And even though they told me no, GOD gave me a power to keep going and placed people in my path to still say yes. I just realized that everyone doesn't keep going. Somewhere they stop and get stuck, I never let that happen and I won't.

Also, make sure you visit my Blog Talk Radio Page, I'll be hosting Witty Wednesday live from Europe at 10 A.M. PST/1 P.M. EST...You’ll be able to call in as well. If you don't hear it live you can catch the

P.S. I don’t have your email saved on my laptop, so email me. I should be back before March 3rd! And you owe me dinner to. While in Germany eat at Habeneros

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