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4.01.2008

nonsense

So I pulled into my parking spot fifteen minutes later than usual. Trina, rapping if not blaring through the insulated beige leather interior that I forget collects smudges like a high traffic rug in a day care center. Sunroof open, heater on full blast, I was reminded that it was still morning by the overcast sky and the fact that I was still late, so said the clock on my dashboard.

I’m finally at a point where I’m comfortable, just enough, to where if something did happen to throw me of course, I wouldn’t go too far. And if someone shot me a dirty look, it wouldn’t bother me too much, because I know me.

But just when it is safe to come out and play, he pops up again. The guy that you dated way too many times, the guy you dated that like you – but didn’t know how to say it, the guy that you were just friends with back in college, the guy that you use to be friends with, who’s done enough maturing to let him back in your world and then your straight friend, who looks at you a little too long in the eye, enough to give you that warm rush of adrenaline flashing through your body like a summer sun ray gleaming down on you, while you rest on the beach, taking in the pleasantries of life – wishing your day could always be that way…but you snap out of it, realizing that the rush was just probably him being nice and you wanting him to be gay…life is a beach.

The cast changes, the understudies are swapped for the has been leads. The house lights go down, the spot light comes on…

Everyone has their time and place.

But it makes me wonder, how long do I stay in this race…cause not everyone or everything....

I went to sleep with a headache last night. Laughed with him a little – it’s amazing how people never change, but do, even though life has thrown them a few curves that would have bent their existence. I am happy for him. And not who you think. Just because you see something doesn’t mean it’s real. The only things that don’t lie are emotions.

I feel nothing for him. I have no ties to him. It was a simple test, to see who would bend and who wouldn’t, the house lights went off. For I can’t be in the company of people who don’t trust me or my decisions, what does that say about your connection with me?

I pulled the key out of the ignition. I prayed before I got out. I put on my sunglasses, pressed the alarm on my door and walked.

Walked in my life in the present.

Although she may be irresponsible, although I have to pickup the slack, although he has a superiority complex and treats everyone like shit, although she is working through her insecurities…I let it ride.

At one point I was all of those things.

I live life – allowing things to work themselves out, for I am learning to respect the laws of the universe.

It all happened in three seconds. The thoughts in my mind…

We’re all pieces on the chess board. Rook, pawn, knight, queens and kings…
Checkmate.

1 comment:

Quarter Life Crisis of a Black Woman said...

It's good to reflect. I'm glad to see you making progress!