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5.20.2008

Bliss: A Conversation with myself about boys

Even if I write something pertaining to him,
he's late. Because what I write is past tense. Thus I am still 10 steps ahead.

Music is the backdrop to the script...that is constantly in re-writes. I thought the writers strike took care of issues like this. Again, she sings melodies intricately placed over produced, sometimes over, tracks that vibrate deep in my soul, ring in my ear and stir up some type of tingling sensation on my balls...that have only been flicked by the tongue right, once.

He thought he had me where he wanted me. Even if I was oblivious to his flirts...I don't chase after niggas and I proved that to him when I acted like he was out of my realm, not of my world, when I called him...the one who was the master at chess games.

I figured since the summer was here, I would let go of the old insecurities and date 96 people at once...but only fling with that one...that one that lasted through the summer and into the fall...and to the cold nights in winter where I would nestle under the strength of him and lean on the strength of me...for it's me who has to deal with him when he's not there...even though he brings out the worst in me at times, I figure it's only brought up because it needs to be dealt with.

Then I am perfect - but in that perfection is the constant of imperfection.
I am learning.

God sent me MH...he called me on the beach that night I stepped out from the dark to gather my thoughts under the moon light while i listened to the tides crash into waves.

But it became clear under the abyss of the smokened haze that filled the room and I understood what Let Go meant when she sang it. And I did that's why I am able to have a conversation with him today.

But I realized that he was the one that I should be with. After it's all said and done...
The intense passion that rules him, the eye contact that we make when we are near each other. The feeling that made me feel like I was the only one in the world. He was attentive...He was empathetic...and he didn't mind holding me. He's in tune with my body chemistry...

I'm not...
Because even in knowing comes confusion.
I bet he doesn't know that I have a crush on him.
I bet he still thinks that I am in love with him.
I bet he thinks I am ruled by my heart.

All of them are right.

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