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5.22.2008

Tarrance v. Trent; Self v. Ego; Man v. Self; You v. The Parody of your own existence

Some days I feel like I am in place; aligned with the work that God has sent me here to do.

Sometimes I feel like I am misunderstood, taken for granted or way too seriously.
Then other times I blend right in, say the right things, stand with the right people.

But what is blending in? What is being right? What is the right thing to say? Maybe a lie to continue the further perpetuation of a deteriorating community that is only being led down a darker sink whole simply because they think that know one cares, no one loves them. I just told you I suffer from the same thing.

But what happens. When. Someone starts to love themselves. They start to shake off the bullshit, the shell that they’ve allowed other people to build; become the face of who they are.

Some days I am valued.
Some days I am underappreciated.

But then understanding kicks in. I love who I am and I accept who I am and then my duty, my requirement to other black men to help them find the peace that I found, the understanding that I’ve received comes into play. I am allowed to operate in a way in which I can not only free myself, but free others. Understanding that life is only a reflection of what you’ve thought.

I see his intensity. His burning desire to be and do better. I can see his pulsating passion the intensity that he expresses with the one he loves. I can see his hurt, I can see he’s moved on from that. He’s gentle but powerful, strong but soft, warm and soothing. He loves music – knows all of the lyrics and the years. He loves Janet Jackson. He’s old school, he loves to dance…he loves to have fun…clown around…share a kiss. He loves the idea of being in love, and he loves being in love. But can he make love work? He reminds me of me, when I’m in love.

I see his style, his flair for expressing himself. The creativity in him, his social effervescence. The finer, grander things in life. He’s hot, but he’s cold. He cares, but he doesn’t get attached. He helps you when he has it, but when you don’t you’ll know it. You’re with him when he’s high, you’re right there when he’s low. But you never know what you’re going to get. Good or bad, the ugly and the shade. No one has it together; but you think he does. Reminds me of this person I created. The one that reels you in and sits you down…but always does a magic trick and flips the script on you…just when you think you know, you don’t, but just when you think you do…you’ve met a man that reminds me of Trent Jackson and that’s not always a good thing…depending on how you handle him.

We’re all at conflict with ourselves. Who do you let win? I’ve learned that the good always does outweigh the bad, and the good guy always wins – because he understands the rules of karma. It’s better to do right by people, instead of fucking them over.
But it’s funny how we like having our cake and eating it too.

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