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7.24.2008

My Response Part II: Making sense of it all

Where do I even begin? Well For Clarity My Response Part I: Mr. Intentional can be read HERE.

First off – I despise explaining myself. If people don’t trust my logic or my ability to successfully achieve something, why support me?

In this whole ordeal – the last three weeks of my life I experienced a series of events that “iced the cake” so to speak. It had come to the point where I had been stripped down and beaten to the point where I couldn’t get up – to the point where I didn’t want to get up. Because if I got up, I would continue to be disrespected, violated, misused, misunderstood, underestimated, betrayed, tricked, bamboozled, and whatever else people could come up with. Just when you thought that you couldn’t be amazed at how far people will go to make you upset, you’ve been tomfooled again!

Then your “handlers” don’t make it any better. They tell you when, how and why you can or cannot respond – when they aren’t even out for you, the person that’s getting them paid. Money changes things and it always isn’t for the better. So – I can only do me and that means saying what I have to say…even if that means explaining myself to some degree.

In my line of work, my primary goal is to inspire and let others know that they can make it. My primary audience is black women and black gay men, although as of late, I’ve been learning that not only does my work cross gender boundaries; but racial ones as well – and that says something. However, my service first is to the community in which I am apart of: Black Gay Men. I provide a service to black men who want to be better, do better and want to defy the stereotype. They need me, they need someone to speak up for them, because too many times, people who speak the truth and want to change things for the better, often get shunned or stories never told, because they have been mislabeled and misunderstood for simply “keeping it real,” the most grossly misused statement in urban crossover culture.

I live my life openly because everyone else is afraid to say what the real deal is. I talk about my life vividly, candidly – what you see is real. I talk about my weight, I talk about my depression, I talk about my family issues, I talk about what it’s like being a black gay man who is doing something positive and everyone is trying to convince him that he is negative! I go through the same shit just like everyone else does. The only difference is that I talk about mine – everyone else is overtly concerned about what someone is going to think. I used to live like that – but that is no way to live. People who follow my work and know me on a personal level know the impact that I try to make for the better. And I know that I get through.

Someone asked me did I try to commit suicide. My response to them was, “What do you think?” As I said, I will not explain myself. People are going to draw their own conclusions regardless of what I say. The point is, I am here now; I have to deal with the fallout and the aftermath. But on the flip side people should be extremely nervous and be prepared to be uncomfortable, if they ask me why I did something. When the time of my full return comes or when I feel it is necessary to talk about my ordeal I will do that, because it is definitely something that will be talked about. And it was not a laughing matter.

It saddens me to be apart of a community that continually perpetuates negative stereotypes brought on by deep-rooted insecurity, pain and rejection. It further infuriates me that organizations local and abroad that stand in the name of change, acceptance, growth, and the empowerment of black gay men continue a malicious cycle of mental abuse; and turn their “community service” based organizations for breeding grounds of sexual objectification and the breaking of spirits; thus failing a community already damaged.

I pledged to be the difference when I first started writing about my life as a gay black man, silly of me to think that this would be accomplished without some type of emotional pitfall. I stand to be the difference in this time of change and I will always be the person I am because I am only going to get there by being true to who I am. Those have and will always be my values. But I will not stand by nor will I support any person, organization or group that not only stifles the empowerment of black gay men by not being all inclusive and accepting of all men while disrespecting me in the process. We have torn each other down way too long. We have let our ego’s get the best of us too long. We includes myself as well. I cannot speak about anything unless I’ve made confession of my own guilt and wrongdoing. We need to understand redemption is within us. Acknowledging what we’ve done ourselves, so that we can help others.

So many people give up because they are never given the chance to excel. I never had that chance, so I am taking it now and I will give people the opportunity I never had – because someone has to be the difference and break the chain. Not just on paper and not by word alone. This has to be displayed by action and my record speaks for itself.

No matter what I go through, I will always make it out. I just wish people would smell the smoke before they wait to see the flames.

It’s really all about who you have around you. Sometimes it’s not what is in plain English people. It’s what’s in the details.

I thank you for your support.
I thank you for your concern.
I thank you for attempting to understand.

In The Meantime, visit my audioblog today and listen to what I had to say.

July 30th, I return to do the 6 remaining shows of Season 5 of my radio show, “In The Mix With Trent” And I will pickup where I almost left off.

-t

1 comment:

cateyedwmn said...

Keep your head up Trent. I still got your back.