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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

11.28.2008

FLASHBACK FRIDAY: 11.28.08

In The Mix With Trent: The Vault

Trent interviews Deondray Gossett & Quincy LeNear, of creators of The D.L. Chronicles.

Originally Aired: August 04, 2006

11.26.2008

Witty Wednesday 11.26.08

"Celebation" Trent talks about his favorite subject: Boys. Treating others with respect, Tina & Beyonce Knowles, Kanye West, Ludacris, Personal Responsibility are among his other topics during todays show.

Music Includes:

Beyonce - Diva
Lauryn Hill - Lost Ones
Kanye West - Heartless
T.I. Ft. Rihanna - Live Your Life
Jay-Z - Jockin' Jay-Z
Ludacris - Nasty Girl
Slim - So Fly
Lalah Hathaway - Breathe

IN THE STUDIO!!!

STANDBY! THE WEATHER HAS US BY THE BALLS!!

11.25.2008

Keeping My Promise. The constant, almost never ending battle.

A few days ago, maybe a week, whenever I said it, I said I don't write enough, and I would return back to the roots of this blog. It isn't a bad idea considering I go through shit more than most. I can start out my day minding my business and people just start throwing shit at you, like you're a fly or something.

This morning when I woke up, I had a conversation, alone, by myself, with my mother, heard the voices of my Godfather and Tuesday before rolling over wishing I could wake up next to someone who could understand my complexities, but recognize me for the amazing person that I am. I try and refrain from speaking out of turn because I know the damage that words they can do. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can too, especially if it's the truth.

I wanted to call my uncle and tell him that I wanted to move there. But I rely on him way too much, just as my mother does me...to help me patch my long term emotional dilemmas, when I'm the one that needs to deal with them head on and continue to carve my path of responsibility for self.

I hate her. She called me in the middle of the night to complain about things that were undone. Things that she could do herself. The older I get, the more I notice the trends of life; my Grandmother raised me while my mother worked (which is all she'll ever know how to do, because that's all she's ever done). I have to raise Essence...why? Because both of her parents are so use to being irresponsible, delegating their responsibilities on others, then blaming them when the shit turns out from how they planned it. I am my Grandmother, 20 years ahead. That ends today.

I didn't have kids, I don't want kids - and it's not my fault she caught the wrong semen, from what I understand, from her mouth, in her opinion twice, in a 20 year gap. Irresponsibility. How do you manage to make the same mistake, twice, over a 20 year time span? I have nothing to do with that. In my family having children is a curse. That's why God made me gay so I can break this shit...

Somehow, it's my fault she washed through 100,000 in a years time period with nothing to show for it. She's angry. She's miserable. She's bitter. And all of the things that she is, I am, was and no longer want to be. All of this stems from her father beating her mother and not being validated by her family. All of this stems from not standing up for herself and just taking whatever people gave her. She strived for nothing. And she shut down and stopped living. That shame, that regret, that feeling of hopelessness passed right through me and to everyone else in my family...which makes it harder for me, because I'll be dammed if my sister grows up with the same emotional issues I did. It's not fair for her to be subjected to instability every day.

Yesterday was a mess...I hadn't seen him in a month. He looked at me like a deer in headlights. He acted like he didn't know who I was. A slight touch on my elbow, meant something, but his face, expression and minimal word usage said it all. Nothing was expected, but I wasn't expecting a cold reception and what made it all worse is the fact that it wasn't planned. I just ran into him. Which made it more uncomfortable. I did what I did for him out of the kindness in my heart, I wanted nothing in return...except the common courtesy of "Hi, how are you?" rude ass muthafucka...the nerve of people to ever ask why. All you have to do is look at the way you treat other people and you'll know why. At least I've learned that.

I don't get butterflies when I see him. Him as in the current, Dress Rehearsal. I just feel comfortable being around him. I don't feel like I'm the show when I'm with him. He knows Tarrance, he likes him even...I can tell. But one thing I hate about text messages is you can't read emotions. And I over reacted, that's why I kept it to myself. It had nothing to do with him. It was the resurfacing of issues revisited brought on by my mother, brought on by my family that I wasn't apart, that I don't belong and no one accepted me.

As I sit here hours before I record my show, hours before I return to that house to start to cook for ungrateful people, minutes before I get her daughter ready for school like I do everyday, because the mother is emotionally disconnected and the father is a recovering herionholic one thing I will not do on thanksgiving day is pray with her. I will not pray or link hands with anyone I hate or people that I can effectively communicate with. And being an effective communicator means to be able to admit your faults, your wrongs and your responsibilities. Even though I had left the building hours before - she called me saying I left dishes at the sink in her house...but moments before, "Me and Essence ate..." bitch get off my phone.

It's clear that no one ever validated them and told them they were special. No one confirmed their dreams. No one told them they could make it - and that had to have been a hard pill to swallow especially when all of them had the potential to be great. I see the good and creativity in all of them. The what if factors use to be amazing to dream about...but their father was do busy sleeping around, beating them, their mother and leaving them in desolate isolation. No water, no power, no food growing up. Their mother was too busy trying to make ends meet for 9 kids. And in the midst of all of that, no one confirmed them and told them they had worth. Just as my mother never told me I was worth something.

I am looking at my cousin, asleep on my couch. The only real time that we have to rest without being bothered. But we wake up tired, because we think too much while we are sleep. He and I are a month a part. Thick as thieves. Lacking the same things I lack - but we're both on a quest to get past this road block, this mountain of mental and emotional baggage our parents and Grandfather left for us to to clean up. I love him a lot. I respect him and I understand him...and I am happy for the things that he will do in his life.

My long hard battle with self-hatred is coming to an end. I don't blame my family for any of their wrong doings because they truly don't know what they are doing. They are so use to operating out of insecurity, fear and rejection they think it's right. Just as no one said it was okay and validated them - no one said it was okay to turn to God, the God that is within us all. To start the process to love from within, so they could be the change the wanted to see.

11.21.2008

Friday Finale 11.21.08

Trent closes out the week with a bang while talking about moving, Britney Spears, Tevin Campbell a new website: www.flipswap.com and black people on T.V.

Today's show features "flashback" music from Brandy

11.19.2008

Witty Wednesday 11.19.08

Trent blows up the spot while covering real housewives of Atlanta, TRL and some other jargon

11.14.2008

Friday Finale 11.14.08

"The Flash-lite" Trent talks BGC, Dating, Jump Offs and Sex in his bedroom.

11.12.2008

Witty Wednesday 11.12.08

"The Late Edition" Trent talks responsibility, black gay bloggers, new music all while balancing a chaotic episode with his studio engineer.

11.11.2008

From the crazy mans mouth...

"Ooooh that's a bad shot." - Whitney Houston

<-----I don't know how the photographer caught that expression on my face, but I found it hilarious and bizarre at the same time. It's me...I like it.

So Wednesdays show will be a late edition...so check back here tomorrow around 1pm Eastern/10 am Pacific for the show...

I'll be talking about new music from T-Pain & Deborah Cox...and a few other things...you know how I do.

But I also noticed how much I use to write and how lazy I've gotten with this blog. I forgot why people started coming to my blog...to read, not listen. I think I should return to that. I never really noticed how much my daily writing actually not only inspired me, but inspired others as well. I rarely read the archives of my blog - but this morning as I cleaned out my email box (I can't believe I deleted over 6,000 emails) I went through the comments of this blog from 2005-2006 and beyond - and how much I've inspired people over time.

This year had to be the most revealing year for me, personally. But it was a culmination of so many different things that I'd never thought that I'd experience in my life.

Last night I got an email from a very good, dear friend of mine that I've know since high school. And I always credit this guy for allowing me to come into my own. He was one of the first to really accept me as a person. I remember one day, my 16th Birthday to be exact - he stopped me in the hall and said "Sorry I missed your party" went into his pocket and pulled out a 20$ That was a lot of money 10 years ago...lol gas was 98 cents a gallon...But I said all that to say, we never really talk, but he was the first person that I really articulated to where I am at in my walk today.

Here is what I said...it's something that I've been wanting to say out loud for a while....

Wow...It's been an entire year to be exact.

I hate the fact that the symphony always seems to come to town when i do...The word is that "Whats good?" is a loaded question these days...

But I will summarize the best that I can.

First - let me say thank you for always being supportive and accepting of who I am as a person, I only wish that there would have been more people like you to enter my life, but I am just now getting the memo - that it's all about how you treat other people. I've always thought that I've treated people correctly - but that's not always the case. I appreciate your consistency, something that has never been present in my life, but I am learning that in order to get what I want, I have to become what I want.

For most of my life...I was never allowed to be who I was. I didn't come from a family environment that fostered anything positive so that insecurity that I've always operated out of always seemed to surface and become a recurring theme in my life.

Fast forward the beginning of my adult life - I knew what I wanted to do, I knew who I wanted to be, but still didn't know how to quite get there and trying to figure that out in front of everyone, is a task that I didn't think i would have to undertake.

Somewhere in my life - things blurred. I took a lot of friendships for granted, i made dumb decisions, i let my negative family infiltrate my thinking which let to more unhealthy decisions. At the end of everything I was 330 pounds and addicted to drugs, which is when you saw me at my book release party last year. Not the happiest days of my life. Not to mention everyone around me watched me spiral - and continued to feed it. From drugs, to food to whatever - excess of everything. In the midst of all that, my sister who is had been molested - my mother, couldn't deal and just shut down...and as always I had to be the responsible one for everyone else while I never FOUND WHO TARRANCE WAS. I never took responsibility for me and my actions.

I went to Europe in February to visit my uncle. He sent me a plane ticket and gave me the space to start the process of getting back to me. I was tired of being Trent Jackson; a person I created out of fear. A person I created out of shame of being Tarrance. By February I felt like I was finally someone. Someone that everyone liked (even though they didn't) i walked into a club, people knew who I was, people at Target knew who I was...it was like; Hey there's Trent Jackson!! I was taking pictures, shots of Patron, smoking weed and getting high with famous people that I admired growing up. I thought that I had made it - but during all of that I realized that the greatest conflict is trying to be something that you’re not. The two cannot co-exist...my uncle allowed me to realized that. It was like for the first time in my life, I realized that you're not supposed to fit in - and it was okay to be exactly who I was. I realized that I had been robbed all of this time of life, being something I had no business being, listening to my family; who had their dreams stolen - eager to take mine.

As soon as I got back to the states after my trip - I started to change. I did a lot more soul searching and coming to grips with the things that happened in my childhood. I started to unravel. I examined everything with a microscope and that led to more drugs...more drinking, but I had gotten my eating under control - so that was no longer an issue. But I was drunk and high every night of the week from March until July, then I finally had a break down.

I walked away from my entire life in July. I was tired of myself, I was tired of everyone being dependent on me to think for them, help them do this, help them do that. No one had ever been there for me but me. I felt that I had to take a drastic measure to get Tarrance back and I did.

I wrote a letter. Left it. I got in my car and was out. I had driven to the desert and just slept for days.

I came back to L.A., I checked into a dual rehab program, more mental (psychiatric) than anything...

I'm working on starting my life from scratch for me. Friendships that I've had for 20 years are gone. All of my friends are obsolete. My credibility as an artist is tarnished. Everything that I worked hard for is gone. So I'm back at square one. Undoing whats been done. Restructuring my boundaries - and learning and knowing 100% who Tarrance is. It's fun. I like it. I love me and the people that matter love it too.

Didn't I say I was going to try and summarize? Well there it is. Let me just say that you're the first person that I've told this to. I almost want to turn this into a blog post. I've been trying to say what I just said for a long while. All of the therapy and questions from family... You're the first. But it's funny cause you were the first boy I had a crush on!! LMAO!!!!! And even though we're not as close as I'd like to be, you're always right there when I'm able to say what I have to say.

I've always admired you as a person. Even though I haven't always respected that and have not always kept my word with you - you've been there...isn't your birthday coming up? I owe your ass big time too!!! Even though it's hard for me to admit my irresponsibility I owe you. I have to make you dinner or something.

I'm slowly and cautiously coming back to the world like Tevin Campbell. But thank you for asking about me (genuinely) I don't get it a lot...even though I am at least genuine with people.

Anyway it took me two hours to write this...not that, that means anything - but I had to be honest with someone who has always been forthright with me.

Thank you for being a friend...
Tarrance

11.05.2008

Witty Wednesday 11.05.08

"The Late Edition!" Trent celebrates with the world as Barack Obama becomes the FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT!