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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

11.11.2008

From the crazy mans mouth...

"Ooooh that's a bad shot." - Whitney Houston

<-----I don't know how the photographer caught that expression on my face, but I found it hilarious and bizarre at the same time. It's me...I like it.

So Wednesdays show will be a late edition...so check back here tomorrow around 1pm Eastern/10 am Pacific for the show...

I'll be talking about new music from T-Pain & Deborah Cox...and a few other things...you know how I do.

But I also noticed how much I use to write and how lazy I've gotten with this blog. I forgot why people started coming to my blog...to read, not listen. I think I should return to that. I never really noticed how much my daily writing actually not only inspired me, but inspired others as well. I rarely read the archives of my blog - but this morning as I cleaned out my email box (I can't believe I deleted over 6,000 emails) I went through the comments of this blog from 2005-2006 and beyond - and how much I've inspired people over time.

This year had to be the most revealing year for me, personally. But it was a culmination of so many different things that I'd never thought that I'd experience in my life.

Last night I got an email from a very good, dear friend of mine that I've know since high school. And I always credit this guy for allowing me to come into my own. He was one of the first to really accept me as a person. I remember one day, my 16th Birthday to be exact - he stopped me in the hall and said "Sorry I missed your party" went into his pocket and pulled out a 20$ That was a lot of money 10 years ago...lol gas was 98 cents a gallon...But I said all that to say, we never really talk, but he was the first person that I really articulated to where I am at in my walk today.

Here is what I said...it's something that I've been wanting to say out loud for a while....

Wow...It's been an entire year to be exact.

I hate the fact that the symphony always seems to come to town when i do...The word is that "Whats good?" is a loaded question these days...

But I will summarize the best that I can.

First - let me say thank you for always being supportive and accepting of who I am as a person, I only wish that there would have been more people like you to enter my life, but I am just now getting the memo - that it's all about how you treat other people. I've always thought that I've treated people correctly - but that's not always the case. I appreciate your consistency, something that has never been present in my life, but I am learning that in order to get what I want, I have to become what I want.

For most of my life...I was never allowed to be who I was. I didn't come from a family environment that fostered anything positive so that insecurity that I've always operated out of always seemed to surface and become a recurring theme in my life.

Fast forward the beginning of my adult life - I knew what I wanted to do, I knew who I wanted to be, but still didn't know how to quite get there and trying to figure that out in front of everyone, is a task that I didn't think i would have to undertake.

Somewhere in my life - things blurred. I took a lot of friendships for granted, i made dumb decisions, i let my negative family infiltrate my thinking which let to more unhealthy decisions. At the end of everything I was 330 pounds and addicted to drugs, which is when you saw me at my book release party last year. Not the happiest days of my life. Not to mention everyone around me watched me spiral - and continued to feed it. From drugs, to food to whatever - excess of everything. In the midst of all that, my sister who is had been molested - my mother, couldn't deal and just shut down...and as always I had to be the responsible one for everyone else while I never FOUND WHO TARRANCE WAS. I never took responsibility for me and my actions.

I went to Europe in February to visit my uncle. He sent me a plane ticket and gave me the space to start the process of getting back to me. I was tired of being Trent Jackson; a person I created out of fear. A person I created out of shame of being Tarrance. By February I felt like I was finally someone. Someone that everyone liked (even though they didn't) i walked into a club, people knew who I was, people at Target knew who I was...it was like; Hey there's Trent Jackson!! I was taking pictures, shots of Patron, smoking weed and getting high with famous people that I admired growing up. I thought that I had made it - but during all of that I realized that the greatest conflict is trying to be something that you’re not. The two cannot co-exist...my uncle allowed me to realized that. It was like for the first time in my life, I realized that you're not supposed to fit in - and it was okay to be exactly who I was. I realized that I had been robbed all of this time of life, being something I had no business being, listening to my family; who had their dreams stolen - eager to take mine.

As soon as I got back to the states after my trip - I started to change. I did a lot more soul searching and coming to grips with the things that happened in my childhood. I started to unravel. I examined everything with a microscope and that led to more drugs...more drinking, but I had gotten my eating under control - so that was no longer an issue. But I was drunk and high every night of the week from March until July, then I finally had a break down.

I walked away from my entire life in July. I was tired of myself, I was tired of everyone being dependent on me to think for them, help them do this, help them do that. No one had ever been there for me but me. I felt that I had to take a drastic measure to get Tarrance back and I did.

I wrote a letter. Left it. I got in my car and was out. I had driven to the desert and just slept for days.

I came back to L.A., I checked into a dual rehab program, more mental (psychiatric) than anything...

I'm working on starting my life from scratch for me. Friendships that I've had for 20 years are gone. All of my friends are obsolete. My credibility as an artist is tarnished. Everything that I worked hard for is gone. So I'm back at square one. Undoing whats been done. Restructuring my boundaries - and learning and knowing 100% who Tarrance is. It's fun. I like it. I love me and the people that matter love it too.

Didn't I say I was going to try and summarize? Well there it is. Let me just say that you're the first person that I've told this to. I almost want to turn this into a blog post. I've been trying to say what I just said for a long while. All of the therapy and questions from family... You're the first. But it's funny cause you were the first boy I had a crush on!! LMAO!!!!! And even though we're not as close as I'd like to be, you're always right there when I'm able to say what I have to say.

I've always admired you as a person. Even though I haven't always respected that and have not always kept my word with you - you've been there...isn't your birthday coming up? I owe your ass big time too!!! Even though it's hard for me to admit my irresponsibility I owe you. I have to make you dinner or something.

I'm slowly and cautiously coming back to the world like Tevin Campbell. But thank you for asking about me (genuinely) I don't get it a lot...even though I am at least genuine with people.

Anyway it took me two hours to write this...not that, that means anything - but I had to be honest with someone who has always been forthright with me.

Thank you for being a friend...
Tarrance

2 comments:

TheBlacks said...

Nice!

Darius T. Williams said...

Wow - this is really real!

Where have you been? You know, I miss you. You've gotta come around more Mr. Jackson. We go back way too far for this!

Thanks for being so transparent in this post!

-DTW