Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

12.30.2009

Season 8 Show 24 Witty Wednesday 12.30.09 "Reflecting"

12.18.2009

Season 8 Show 22 Friday Finale 12.18.09 "Washed Out"

Hey everyone!

So I went to the studio this morning and came up with this CRAP. I DON'T LIKE SERVING CRAP, but I didn't want to be a no show either...needless to say I'll be in the sauna this weekend sweating this shit out.

Have a good weekend...
-t

12.16.2009

Season 8 Show 21 Witty Wednesday 12.16.09 "Countdown To Meltdown"

12.13.2009

...

There is something refreshing being up on any day of the week at 4 am...
it's just you.
silence.
connection with life.
with god.
the music that makes you happy.

the feeling of peace.
the feeling that makes you want to dance around your room...
cause no one is watching.

the feeling of comfort.
cause you know you made the right decisions...
and treated people right.

the feeling of love.
because you love yourself.
and there is so much inside that it's flowing out...
you're ready to give it.

12.11.2009

Season 8 Show 20 Friday Finale 12.11.09 "That Was Then"

Just Had To Stop For A Minute....

And say thank you lord so much for your grace and mercy.
For your discernment and understanding.
Your unyielding love and omnipresence in my life.
For the hindsight that only you bring at the appropriate times.
I can not even begin to thank you enough for your blessings and protecting me, because it would have, should have been me.
I am only here because i acknowledge your presence in my life.
Thank you lord.

12.03.2009

What I Know

a real artist lives and creates material. - trent jackson

You know...

It has been a good long minute since I've sat down to write.

I write every day, whether it be notes to myself, a witty twitter comment or some banterous jargon that I come up with to make someone feel like shit.

My blog became popular because I wrote. 5 Years ago - when that happened. Writing that in itself is humbling, funny and inspiring. It's the ONLY CONSISTENT (inconsistently consistent) thing i've done this whole time....write.

Just sitting here. Silence. Besides the Minnie Ripperton playing in the back ground. Dim lights and reflections all around me, I suddenly feel like that 22 year old kid that I used to be, excited to write. With all of the hope, ambition and courage in the world. No one could tell me NO! Because I knew that I was right. I knew that I had a right to live, a right to be who I was - and express it the way I chose.

For a while I let this part of me die. I forgot how to write. I didn't want to write anymore. I was mad that I had been given this "thing" and it had done nothing but brought me more madness. I had no clue of what my gift could really do for me, until I became...

Suddenly, this lesson that we all have to go through called, learning life had been put on hold. All of the issues that I was learning to deal with had been ignored by "the fame," that I created. An ugly thing it was. lol...

Suddenly I became a person I did not recognize.

That same boy that I was dealing with, that didn't have a daddy, surfaced and wasn't going away like he used to.

And every move that I made was related to that little boy that never grew up.

I'm learning how to write all over again. Something like, learning to swim all over again, "Finally I believe that I can..." the lyric that she wrote.

Clarity is a beautiful thing - and it should be cherished.

Love is something that we all know how to do. Something that we are all capable of giving and receiving.

It's better when you know yourself. that makes so much of the difference.

Alignment...

more to come...

11.03.2009

New Music Tuesday

For all of those who aren't music connoisseurs it seems as if you haven't heard from Amerie since her Sophomore project "Touch", released in 2005 which featured her "signature sound" song "1 Thing". But Amerie recorded 2007's "Because I love It" (which is still in heavy rotation with me) which never saw the light of day in the U.S., but in my opinion her best album to date. In my mind, "Because I Love It" was what "Full Moon" was for Brandy. Go Figure!

I'll admit upon first listen I wasn't grabbed. I was ready to go back two years and leave "Because I Love It" on replay. Many will argue that Amerie isn't a singer - but maybe it's the pseudo gay man that lives in me that makes me live for her! I'll admit that I'm a sucker for a good bass line, something that's gonna make me wanna dance and lyrics that I can relate to. But after a nap and some sunlight, I got what she was doing here.

Her new release "In Love And War" her first Def Jam release follows some of the same formula as her previous albums which always works - horns, strings, heavy drums and funky bass lines minus the strident vocals. Amerie is going for a more edgy sound (imagine Ike telling Tina "ROUGHER ANNA MAE") which works for her. There is a lot more attitude than before, clearly here is a woman that is ready to let go of all the crap that has happened along the road of life and live her life without regrets.

"In Love And War" chronicles the ups and downs of life, love & friendships. It's a nice, funky, crisp, honest, edgy melodic blend of Pop-Funk driven R&B with a few mid-tempo grooves to soothe you on a brisk fall night.

The 14 track set includes duets with Fabolous, Trey Songz (featured on a rip of Mint Condition's 1991 hit "Quit Breakin' My Heart [Pretty Brown Eyes]) and Lil' Wayne

Standout Tracks: Heard 'Em All, Higher, Why R U, Pretty Brown (featuring Trey Songz) & Different People.

Ryan Leslie the musical genius who remained the "it" guy most of 2009 after his self titled release earlier this year is back 8 months later with his sophomore release "Transition". Ryan is such a chilled out guy. There are a few things that I admire about him, the first being his likeable factor. His ability to connect with his fans is priceless! It goes back to the idea if people "like" you they'll support you. What other artist do you know that is so humbled, that he's out meeting his fans randomly? Or so concerned with the well being for everyone, he's giving out financial advice?

In my opinion Ryan is one of the few artists bringing back real music with real instruments. Not only does HE play live instruments on all of his albums, his music has that same feel that classic R&B had, the feeling that stopped in about 90. But remained alive thanks to the "Neo-Soul Movement" whatever that is. Additionally, what other artist has put out two albums with phenomenal material in the same year? Right...

"Transition" is another well crafted CD that can easily warm up this winters cold night and make you reflect on great moments in your life. Put in any Ryan Leslie CD and it will feel like someone is holding down the F5 button while pressing pause on all the bullshit in your life. His music definitely allows you to escape. If you're anything like me, a margarita and a blunt will only enhance what you can experience sober with Ryan Leslie.

"Transition" is the missing piece of the puzzle to his debut effort. That CD left me wanting more - which is why it hasn't left rotation, but today's release was a great conclusion to a great year for Ryan which garnished him an episode of Rising Icons (appropriately so) and a Soul-Train Award nomination.

Ryan always brings a kick-back chill vibe, which is official but unofficial signature sound. The blend of real instruments, honest & relatable lyrics and catchy hooks solidify Ryan's second CD as a blueprint of the phenomenal work that is yet to be seen by him.

"Transition" is a must have CD if you like the kind of music that allows you to clear your mind and put you at ease...something that you no longer get on the radio.

Standout tracks: Never Gonna Break Up, Zodiac, You're Not My Girl, Is It Real Love, To The Top

my only complaint about this CD is that some of the songs we saw him create and or were leaked didn't make it on the CD (Used To Be ft. Fabolous, Taste For Your Love) guess that makes sense right? lol...

10.23.2009

Friday....in Europe

There is nothing like being with yourself....catching up on "Taking The Stage"(which I love)

sitting in the window seal looking out of the window, watching the ocean splash against the rocks...

walking to the local coffee shop to get a panini...

talking to genuine people without having your insecurities prayed upon...

having moments of clarity and happiness that make you forget about all the fucked up shit that you've been through...

being away from an environment that fosters nothing but negativity...

learning a new way of life with people who are genuinely interested in YOU not what you have to OFFER or what YOU DO for a living...

:-)

i'm loving life right now...i hope you are too.

9.22.2009

I get it... #1

you always knew what you were doing.
you knew the answer before everyone else.
I thank God for sending you to our family.
I thank you for paying the price before me.
I thank you for teaching me and showing me to pursue my arts.
I thank you for allowing me and showing me to be me.

you know when I saw Dalton the other day at the funeral he reminded me of
that blue microphone and speaker that Efrem bought me in 1986...and he also reminded me that I used to sing the entire Control CD...lol

it's funny how some things stick with you.
the good
the bad
the hurt
the pain
the agony
the clarity

the clarity

the clarity that you always seemed to have had
the clarity that you used to drop seeds so when the time was right...
the clarity...turned into mine.

i'm keeping an eye on our moms...your so more than mine. tough love is always in order.
looks like things are finally coming back together in our family.
it's a shame it took a murder
time
pain
and more death for us to even get to this point.

you died doing what you knew I had the strength to do all this time.

what a fuckin set up!! lol...i love you though and besides it provides great writing material.

i thought about you just like i do every day...
living out my dreams like that little ambitious kid that you sew the outfit for in senior sewing class...

that kid that you used to take to the mall...
that kid that was protected, loved and challenged by you.

I found all the good in him...I let go of everything else.

when i talked to lalah today i just stood there for a moment...just like i always do.
it was in your room...1702 Gladwick St.

1990, CD's were new....lol
and you said, listen to her. You'll like her...now I'm friends with her.

just as you always knew what you were doing.
you knew the answer before everyone else.

i miss you T.
and thank you for always being there...
i get it now

9.06.2009

...Before The Party

I am worth more than a booty call. He helped me realize that when he was on knees throating my dick like it would be his last supper. He lacked technique and was too eager, which meant that he was too amped about sex.

I'm a lover. I long for the days that I wake up to him. The perfect everything...only because he knows about life. About working hard to get where he wants to go in life. He may have a couple of battle wounds to show for his dedication to the craft, but it wouldn't be a turn off because he took it as a learning lesson, not a road block.

I wasn't turned on by his mouth. But I was turned on by him. Spending time with him brought me back to the day we met in April...a spark that is still on...that I have to catch before it blows out.

As I get dressed to go out tonight...I'll make sure I'll be aware of the spark...just in case it shimmers like the moon tonight.

8.31.2009

New Music Monday...

Clearly I told you last week that the record labels were playing like the weather is playing here in California. Who told these people that it was okay to release two albums a day early because of the "hype"? For everyone's melodramatic sake (my own) at least I'm hyped about Whitney Houston and Trey Songz debuting this week.

Trey Songz has been a contemporary favorite of mine since his debut in 2004. Out of his peers (Mario, Chris Brown, Marques Houston) Trey is the soul of the bunch. After watching the BET awards over the weekend, I was again reminded of Trey's talent as he sang along side Johnny Gill and Tyrese. Trey has a great amount of vocal control with the ability to effectively deliver a piercing, resonating tone that draws you into his lyrics. If you're not familiar with Trey's work, now is the time to get involved, especially if you are in love, want to be in love and enjoy sex. "Ready" his 3rd disc via Atlantic starts off letting you know that he is ready to fuck the dog shit out of you - and there is nothing wrong with that either, especially since Trey is making it clear, it's not about sex - it's about love.

His lead single, "I need a girl" a mid-tempo rich ballad in which Trey tells you exactly what he is looking for. I appreciate artists who are honest and sincere about what they interpret and deliver lyrically. In the song Trey puts his heart on the line and is vulnerable with his audience, something that he and Mario have in common. And Trey makes it okay for a young man in 2009 to have feelings and want to be in love, especially since his presence and image is almost hyper-masculine.

I love Trey's delivery factor. He really knows how to make you feel and believe what he is telling you, in my opinion Trey is the new face of R&B and he definitely is the underdog in the game, hopefully with this disc people will pay attention to what he is giving. If it were not for he and Mario new R&B would have no face. There are few male contemporary singers that really leave a lasting impression or mark with an era. While people may say Usher (clearly he was a product of last decade) or Chris Brown maybe Ne-Yo (our modern day Babyface) Trey Songz clearly needs to be at the top of this decades list of R&B male singers.

Production wise - his sound is current and has the perfect feel of what makes R&B, R&B. Although he has a couple of appearances by rappers (Drake, Fabolous & Gucci Mane) it doesn't interrupt the flow of the CD. What I appreciate about Trey is his ability to keep the integrity of R&B music by paying homage to greats. On "Yo Side Of The Bed" he channels his inner Prince during the "Purple Rain" era and does more than pull it off, it would make anyone who grew up in that era an instant fan of Trey and would remind them of what good music used to be like.

The disc an ultimate play through is perfect for the lover in all of us. "Ready," is the soothing summer sunset that will melt us right to the perfect cuddling weather of the fall and winter.

Standout Tacks: I need a girl, I Invented Sex, Neighbors Know My Name, Love Lost, Does He Do It.


I've always maintained that Whitney would comeback singing from the uterus in which Bobbi Kristina came forth, but this is not a comeback, this is a statement. A statement of Whitney's tenacity, a statement of her talent, her artistry and her ultimate ability to allow her music to speak for itself. I am so glad that Whitney put together an album that FEELS like Whitney. I have not "felt" Whitney on a project since her best (in my opinion) album, "I'm Your Baby Tonight", 19 years ago. WHITNEY IS HERE BITCH! I am so glad to see Whitney.

Quite honestly I wasn't sure what to expect from this CD, in fact I don't think anyone was. But it's what you should expect from an artist who has broken records, set trends, worked with the best producers, weathered the storms of life and has been in the business 25 years. For some artists (Janet, Madonna, Mariah, etc) who have that LEGEND status, what else can you do? You can do what Whitney did. Return back to your roots and sing about love and the things that you've been through on an honest and genuine level. It always works and your true intentions always come across. Whitney believes in this project and once you hear it, you'll understand what I'm talking about

Again, being honest, I wasn't expecting Whitney to sound like she did 25 years ago. Lets be frank, Whitney has not sounded "great" since 1990 at the top of her career. If you listen closely, she hasn't hit a top note since 1992 - and everything has been lowered since 1995 when she did "Waiting To Exhale" the recordings are there, I urge you to listen. This is no slight to Whitney. Whitney is the greatest voice of all time. And considering what she did, the songs that she's sang and singing those songs live around the world in all kind of conditions is going to wear your voice naturally. Look at what has happened to Mariah in a 10 year period. WHITNEY IS THE VOICE PERIOD. AND SHE STILL HAS IT.

She no LONGER has to SING songs in which she is belting a note to sound good or PROVE SOMETHING. It makes sense for Whitney to take a refined approach. She's a mid 40's woman, she can kick back and still sound good. She doesn't have to keep up with the current market, artist's like Whitney set the market's tone. And for those who think she can't sing "I Will Always Love You," in it's originality...I laugh at you in your face! She's done it before and she will do it again.

This is the perfect album for Whitney - it has success written all over it. Her drive and focus to make this project is apparent lyrically and vocally. She and Clive got great writers that have the ability to tap into the Whitney that we're all use to: graceful, majestic, stunning and captivating. They pull it off, seamlessly. My only complaint was Akon and "convict" coming across the fucking track. Akon, find out how old you are and sit down somewhere. How dare he brand A WHITNEY HOUSTON TRACK with that trash, Clive should have stepped away from the Menorah for a moment and told him "NO!"

Sidebar: Whitney on Oprah, is SHE GONNA KEEP IT BLACK GIRL HOOD? And how bad do we want to see Whitney on WENDY!!! Remember Wendy said in the infamous interview "Maybe one day Whitney, I'll have my own T.V. show." Whitney, "Have your answering machine call hers" and get it poppin. Gone ahead and make good on that "100 million dollar" bill and do some 1985 numbers on that ass!

"I Look To You" a complete play through from start to end in celebration of the classic Whitney in a 2009 world.

Standout Tracks: Million Dollar Bill, Salute, For The Lovers, I Didn't Know My Own Strength, Call You Tonight.

8.29.2009

I Let Go Of His Hand...Part II

It was 10 years ago that I started at him intently. On my wall that is.
That photo of the 18 year old version of me. Ready to break free.
Ready to be liberated.
Free to live my life.
The determination.
The drive.
The Ambition.
The Focus.
The Attitude.
For the first time in my life I felt like I was alive.
For some reason I went back there for a moment - and quickly jumped back into his mentality.
Doing the things that 18 year old's do.
Quickly back in my old routine, deja vu, I've been here before.
Not really realizing that all of the answers are in my present.
For I figured this shit out already...what was I thinking?
But I got what I needed tho.
Thanks buddy.

I'm glad it didn't last too long. Thank God for allowing me to see the flags. In the forms of people...

who have all been there before...
there will always be a judas at your table.
i know who that muthafucka is.
and I've always known who I am.
this time...

8.25.2009

New Music Tuesday!!!

I don't know what is going on. But I'll never or will try to understand what trick the record labels are playing in the 3rd quarter to make us spend our money. But on the strength of LeToya alone, I'm in!

LeToya (ex-communicated alumnus of the M.K.C.C. Matthew Knowles Concentration Camp) returns with her sophomore release "Lady Love" on the capital imprint...
I'm glad that she has finally stepped out of the shadows of Destiny's Child and made her own mark in R&B! I love an underdog story, but not only that, she puts out great music! On this disc, she doesn't follow the same formula as her first disc that she released 3 years ago. Her debut CD was more on the urban side, not that there is anything wrong with that, in fact I believed it worked in her favor, especially being a Houston girl and a former Destiny's Child member.

On "Lady Love" she talks about love lost, moving on - and coming into her own, a story we can all relate to. The 16 track set is a blend of urban & classic R&B with a groovy grown and sexy vibe that is refreshing, especially since the summer of R&B was bleak. Believe it or not, this DISC is a PLAY THROUGH! And since when have any of the R&B chicks gave one of those? Beyonce definitely hasn't done it (in which LeToya gives B a friendly shot out in her song) It's not a CD that instantly gives you that "bang" although some of the tracks do give you that "banger" factor. LeToya is definitely a girl that likes to have fun...but she also likes to kick it and chill. For the most part the CD has the kickback feel to it. "Lady Love" is a CD that you can definitely pop in on your way home from work and it can easily take you into the evening to complete your night.

Once you put the CD on there is no need to skip tracks, you're put at ease upon first listen - and you automatically fall in love with LeToya.

My favorite tracks: Regret, (the lead single featuring Luda) Good To Me, I Need A U, Take Away featuring Estelle, After Party & Love Rollercoaster featuring Mims

All in all, the good always prevails! I love the fact that LeToya has grinded and kept going when most would have just took the payout and fallen off into oblivion. LeToya is successful because she's humble, she's real - and she's genuine about what she does. I love her!!!

Closing that chapter...

I have finally decided to come out of my private drug den. For two years I have been addicted. I'm tired. I'm done. It was fun. No more Moet. No More Grey Goose. No More Patron. No More Ciroc on the rox...no more blowing money on bags of weed. No more freeloaders over to the spot for a good time.

I'm done living the pop life...goodbye and goodnight.

8.19.2009

digital transition...memo late as usual

I am doing what i can to survive the digital glitch I am living. the analog life is no longer the modus operandi and for some strange reason, I'm still watching my VHS as if it's acceptable. I'm on twitter for god sakes. mad because i can't enjoy good music or interact like i once did...with real people that have real values.

lol...looks like that I have to go digital on these hoes.
something i didn't want to do.
but I have to face it. Karyn White isn't coming back.
But Whitney Houston, Janet Jackson, Toni Braxton, Faith Evans and Christina Aguilera are.

The countdown is on...

8.10.2009

it happened

we have something beautiful.
no one else knows about.
it's between me and you.
that's what we like about it.

we met at our spot.
in open space...
taking in all that was around us.
basking in what was in front of us.
recognizing it for what it is.

you're teaching me how to appreciate the small things...
so i can know how to appreciate the big things.

i never said it.
but you know it.
you made my day...

with you silent...but strong presence.
your warm, gentle touch.
the spark in your eye...
your smile.
you.
thank you for being you.

thank you for listening.
thank you for engaging.
thank you for understanding...
thank you for the laughs...
thank you for making it easier.

what will you do next?

8.07.2009

i forgot today was thursday.

usually when i am on a 6 day work week, the days run together. which is one reason why i forgot today was thursday.

i was supposed to be at work. but instead, i switched my off day to today. he called me and told me that he wanted to meet with me about a project. and that's what it came to. me creatively working out and sealing the deal to my fate on one of my "emo" days. lol...

it didn't start that way considering how my night ended. once the unusual off day was set in stone, i got a text from him, who suddenly had a jonesin' for trent after we both decided in april that "it" wasn't going to work. he was annoying to me and i was too weird for him.

all of that must of changed, when i was caught off guard in my building elevator when he was coming to my floor for a job interview. who would have thought that four months and 30 pounds later, he still had my number?

and just because i needed to bust one he was in my bed, against the wall, just like they all end up...taking fat boy dick for hours mesmerized by my performance oral and phallus wise. and after all of that he thinks he's gonna get the inside track to the job he's not getting...again, he went into that interview doing the same shit on our date. talking that bullshit. just when he thought that i was a notch on his belt, he still needed me in the end and he's the one that got fucked...literally. the same people that you cross on the way up will be the same hoes that you cross on the way down. judas will do it to himself. and people who set traps will only and always trap themselves.

luckily for me, I can sleep at night. and you need judas to fulfill your mission. if it wasn't for the blank sexual encounter with nothing more than physical satisfaction, i wouldn't have come to the swift realization that the next person that i choose to have sex should be a person that I am in a relationship with. i am getting to old for the bullshit.

life is good.
i want to be n love.
and I jointed twitter.

now i can go catch the 11:00 news. only the first 10 minutes are good.

8.04.2009

chase.

i saw you upon sight. but i ignored you.
i knew your kind. i knew your type.
but not typical.
suit. tie. mean mug.
remnant of this guy right here.
but you ignored.
thus, the chase began.

you appeared again.
like a baby crying for it's mother.
i vied for your attention.
no progress.
no budge.
i left it alone.

time moved like a new york minute

you hit the corner.
i, in my element
guard down.
unaware.
our eyes met
unintentional a mutter
and a bright moment of hope
that immediately became an after thought.
but back to the day you turned around.
you can run...but you can't hide.

our eyes met.
a friendly glance turned into a simple conversation.
which turned into a forward motion,
that led to things in common.

secure.
grounded.
attentive.
engaging.
but limited.

i get it.
inch...
a little at a time.
you're teaching me patience.

i think time is limited.
you say we have all the time in the world.

i opened my door,
you came in.
i closed the door...
you're still here.

right when i least expected it.

8.03.2009

hi in there....i'm grateful!

i'm happy. lol...
like.
for real tho.
i'm content. i'm happy. i'm blessed.

today i'm grateful for my life.
after all the shit...
wow.
all of the things that I've been through in my life...
have prepared me for the next level. I am there...walking right into it.

i'm just sitting here amazed at how fast my sister has grown. i love that little girl. God is amazing. He brightened my life with this little girl that I was so excited to meet. to see what she looked like. to see if she would like me...lol. she has allowed me to heal that wounded little boy that lived inside of me. that insecure kid who still ruled my life...up until recently. that kid that carried around being molested, missing his daddy, being called fat, stupid. the kid that carried that rejection. that ruled me up until recently. having her around made me give her all of the things that i didn't get as a kid growing up.

one day i was playing with her...and she looked at me with this pleased look on her face. and simply said "I'm glad you're playing with me." and it made me cry. as i child at 7, i remember being vividly lonely and sad. she won't have to go through any of the emotional shit that I went through. I paid the price for her...lol.

but the beauty of that is having people like my uncle support me. having a perfect stranger flirt. hearing my mother apologize. for hearing that person smile when i call them on the phone. making eye contact with someone for the first time and feeling a connection. hearing that you've made someones day. befriending the person that you grew up watching on tv. it pays to pay the price. all of the things that ultimately matter...are all there, present in my life.

for all of the friends i thought i had. the ones that said they understood. for all the ones that used me. for all of the ones who talked about me behind my back. the ones who slept with my mates. for the ones who wrecked my friendships. the ones who laughed in my face and said i would never write a book. there is this guy that i know named josh, who will always have my back no matter what. and it's good to know that no matter what happens in life there will always be someone who does understand. and is loyal to the end.

now as i stand in the threshold of old and new...a new challenge stands before me...one that i'll keep to myself. he's more than an afterthought.

i finally like what i see.
it feels good to finally
be
and do
me.
loving without any limits.
not having any regrets...
living my life beyond the limits
that i thought had been set.
acknowledging him in all i do...
it wouldn't make sense if i didn't.
how else did i get through?
i've made up my mind
that now is the time
to prove to myself
that all that i've been through
will be put to good use.
out with the old
and in with the new...
i'm staring now...
no longer having a point to prove.

Midnight Meltdown Show 17 "Laidback..."

when you are just enjoying your life as it is....ready for the next level. You've prepared for it long enough.

7.31.2009

...the velvet rope

she said i'm too popular. what the fuck does that shit mean? lol...
but she also likes my personality and is totally enthralled, curious and fascinated with me as a person.
just like everyone else who i meet.

i'm aware of who i am and i know why others are drawn to me. it has nothing to do with me.

it's God.

contradiction is the theme of my life. while i'm too popular and the best at everything i do...people never know whats behind my sunglasses.

it's not because you think or know me to be high...
it's all in my eyes. my pain. my insecurity. my hurt. my baggage...

she said she likes my work. she wants to know how to write a book. a wolf pretending to come in peace. I got her number...She just didn't think I possessed enough testosterone to use it. Then tried to slight me in the process..."So what made you wanna pass this time?" lol...

we all have a story...but you look at me and think I have it easy, because I make it look that way.

i lived with the mother who applauded me in public to all of her friends. but called me fat and stupid at home. told me i would never amount to anything and even went as far to say that no one would buy into anything i would ever do. and blamed me for being molested. secrecy, hurt and shame..it's all she knew. it's what her father did to her.

the father i never knew. fed nothing but facade of who he really was. but i longed for him so bad. he wanted to be there...
but as the cycle goes.

walking around not fitting in...and trying to figure out why i was supposed to.
trying to figure out who i was...but every time i tried. someone told me something different.

but it's all good. cause i have the shit figured out...
and just like judas did jesus...
it happens to the best of us.
but we all know how that story went.

love who you are.
accept who you are.
and stop paying attention to muthafuckas that aint even thinking about you...
the answer is there.
in the details.

i win because i break the chain.
i win because i keep going.
i win because i'm unbreakable.
that doesn't mean that i can't be put back together
or that i give up.
it means i'm taking time to become better and stronger...

ultimately i win
because i acknowledge that i haven't always done the right things.
because i am learning how to be responsible for my actions
because i have God in my heart
i treat people right
and i choose to.

and there is nothing that anyone can do, to stop what God has already done.

7.16.2009

Midnight Meltdown Show 16 "Over, Looking, Love..."

Sometimes we have to get OVER it...it might take a second.

But we can't stop LOOKING...cause when we do, we stop living, we stop learning...we stop experiencing.

Sometimes LOVE is staring us right in the face...


6.17.2009

Season 7 Show 13 Witty Wednesday 06.17.09 "Got It"

Trent talks about being flirted with, his father's death, eating humble pie, S.T.F.U. and relinquishing the life of secrecy and shame!

6.16.2009

Midnight Meltdown Show 13 "The Get Right"

Maturity and growth in communication occur when you're able to express yourself clearly and assertively without being confrontational.

When you're able too sit down and listen with complete, sincere understanding to the other persons logic with out judging and becoming defensive.

This means being able to imagine yourself in their shoes and letting go of any harboring feelings.

But don't ever forget to make a mental note.

6.10.2009

6.03.2009

Season 7 Show 10 - Witty Wednesday 06.03.09 "The Brew"

The Late Edition. Trent talks Xem Van Adams, people with mirrors on their desks, text messaging, Judas and hemorrhoids

5.11.2009

Midnight Meltdown Show 7 "Groove Grind Vol. 2"

shot out to D.C.!

Connection is Key. Connection is Essential.
Once a connection is made. If it is genuine...it never breaks.

5.10.2009

solidification

i spent time with my sister today.
she reminded me of me.

i had an intimate conversation with my mother last night.
it set the both of us free.

things suspended in air that happened over time.
took the place of what use to be mine.

the past is there for a reason.
just as the future.
only if you choose to see it.

there comes a point when it is too late.

it was nice to see her smile for one quick moment.
but she quickly retreated.
still unable to accept genuine love.
she and my father had more in common than she realized.

but in recognition.
in all sincerity and love.
and humble respect.

i choose to live.

4.22.2009

On The Comeback Trail....Witty Wednesday...Season 7 Pre-Show

I must admit that it felt really good to get back into the studio this morning! It's been a while and I just wanted to leave you guys a quick note as I finish up my projects. I really appreciate your support!!!

Enjoy the brief show....and enjoy me this Friday for the SEASON 7 PREMIER of In The Mix With Trent!!!

4.07.2009

Why I Will Not Submit...

As I feverishly put the the finishing touches on my new, latest and greatest project to date, I had to take a moment and share something funny with you. I was hanging out with some of my living inspirations a couple of weeks back and he pulled up the video displayed below on the computer...

Enjoy it...

4.06.2009

So Let Me Tell You...

That I am way too fly to be caught up in bullshit and so are you...lol

I've enjoyed my month away from the "internet" so to speak...I needed the break.
I'll be back with a new set of shows next week...stay tuned.

I have a lot to tell you...

3.31.2009

Pending...In Transit.

I'm fine.
Not too much for words.
I know you need your dosage....but I'm enjoying it too much to share right now.

I am loving myself and doing what needs to be done to make me happy.

And I found another trigger too, that has to be worked out before the summer hits. This is easy to fix simply because, the trigger isn't that old. 9 years to be exact, not the 20 year old one that we conquered a couple of weeks ago. It's interesting how we get caught on things in the past...I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp for the last 9 years....

I'm about to do a time warp on these hoes.

Standby for ignition.

3.20.2009

Ask Me And I Might Tell You...

I get it.

Most people don't. And I'm good with that. Last week, Thursday March 12, 2009 to be exact, I was at home, alone, in my bed, in the middle of the afternoon, with no car, no job and a depleted savings account. Fickle Internet service, and 3 anytime minutes courtesy of T-mobile. Needless to say I was a wreck. And on the eve of the return of Saturn (my 27th birthday) I found myself, with my windows, blinds, and door open, crying out to God.

You heard what the fuck I said!!! CRYING OUT TO GOD! Not because I didn't have anything or because I was broke. We've all heard the stories of people crying out to God...and I've always laughed at them, cause in my mind I'm like "Girl yeah right!"

Trust me, it's a true fact. If you're on the outside looking in you may think that I am on a desolate road to tragic oblivion - but I was crying out because I am thankful. I am so grateful and thankful for my life, for it is rich and abundant. I was crying out because I could have been dead. I was crying out because I have talent, THAT NO ONE CAN SNATCH FROM ME. I was crying out because I have peace of mind, I was crying out because I am the different one, I was crying out because I am responsible, I was crying out because God allowed me to come out the winner, to come out the victor, the unstoppable, unshakable force that could not be broken. I was crying because I am the real muthafuckin deal - and I was crying because I am comfortable with me.

Last summer, when I died, most of you didn't get what was really going on and since some of you asked, I will tell you all about it in my new book....

But this week a lot of shit has been going on. Family shit, the same recycled shit that keeps popping up. And as usual, since I am the only one with logical sense I was there to deal with it, do the right thing and move on. I'll talk about it on my show on Wednesday so make sure yall muthafucka's got yall headphones plugged in.

I'm well. I'm fine. I'm grateful. My life couldn't actually be any better.

It is imperative that we become responsible for own actions.
It is imperative that we admit.
It is imperative that we let go.
It is imperative that we learn how to shut the fuck up and not say shit.
It is imperative that we learn how to keep shit to our fuckin' selves.
It is imperative that we only handle our own responsibilities.
It is imperative to FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCTS.
It is imperative to cut off things and people that drain us...
It is imperative that we recognize the cycle and not fall into that shit.
It is imperative that we get fresh air daily.
It is imperative to watch what we think and speak...they are already actions.
It is imperative to GIVE LIFE...by thinking and speaking POSITIVE, AFFIRMING thoughts.
It is imperative that we DON'T ALWAYS ANSWER THE PHONE.
It is imperative to make eye contact. For it always gives us the answers we need, not want.

Thank you to my daily inspirations. I appreciate you so very much and your existence in my life.
DuWayne, Amanda, Lalah, Rahsaan, Lynn.

Have a great weekend.
Ryan Leslie
Lalah Hathaway(Self Portrait)
Rahsaan Patterson (Love In Stereo in particular)
all have created phenomenal music, listen to it and free yourself.

We are too great to be caught up in this bullshit. recognize it and flush that shit...

3.16.2009

I finally Let Go of his hand...

He is the person that WILL always be at the core.

But everything that lived within him is not who I am today.

He is determined, he is focused, he is smart, he is inspiring, he is fun, he is a wealth of information, he is attractive, he is talented, he is brilliant, he is intuitive, he knows what the fuck he talks about, he is independent, he is a giver, he is helpful, he is overly nice, he is overly emotional, he is balanced. He understands where he came from and where he is going...he always knew.

But he was also the kid that didn't have a voice, always let people dictate his decisions and always took to heart what people said, even when he knew that it wasn't the truth. He carried the weight of so much and so many. Harbored the pain of molestation. He harbored the pain of his father lost. He harbored the pain of his mothers anger, her misunderstanding of love. He allowed himself to become the victim. But he was always the victor.

I let his hand go. I've held on to it for way too long. I watched him walk away laughing and smiling, just as he did in 1988 listening to Karyn White...I kept the things that brought him happiness, for they still bring him happiness to this day.

But the emotional turmoil that was buried under all that he loved evaporated into the mist and the person that has been hiding behind that scared little 6 year old kid with all the potential in the world, that made people laugh, that looked at the world for what it was has finally become the person that he has always wanted to be.

It hurt. But the kid that I used to be, is finally free.

3.13.2009

Friday Finale 03.13.09

Trent Celebrates his birthday in studio!

My 27th Brithday.

Is here...
my life is rich in so many ways.
yet.
i grapple with emotional distress...
that has made me the
fierce bitch i am today.

Happy Birthday to me.

3.12.2009

I know you! You're Trent Jackson Part 1

So, I was feeling some kinda way last night and decided at the last minute that I wanted to go out and start my birthday celebration early. I called up a few people made last minute plans, put on my new come fuck me jeans, the classic come fuck me boots and hit it to West Hollywood.

In Los Angeles, the club that most black boys flock to is none other than Metro Wednesday's at Ultra Suede. A club promoted by a friend of mine, Ivan Daniel. It's no secret that I have a strong antipathy towards gay clubs. And who can blame me? Why would i put myself in positions to be continually irritated or let down at the caliber of people that I encounter? After hearing my stories about the people I've met and after you read my new book, you'll have a clear understanding on why I stay the fuck away. But when the mood hit's me, I have to follow my intuition and go with it.

I walked in and saw a few familiar, pleasant faces and a few pieces of sewer litter doing the same thing they were doing when they were trying to game me up and shake me down for the kill. No eye contact is necessary for people like that. If a muthafucka does it once, he'll do it twice and like Beyonce told us in 99, "I am not the one to sit around and be played."

10 minutes in, I found a spot. Ivan saw me and greeted me with a big hello, since it had been a minute since anyone has seen me. Then all of a sudden he took the stage and introduced Chrisette Michelle!!! I had no idea she was going to be there performing, and it's crazy because earlier that day I went hard on myself because I missed her last show here in L.A.

She is phenomenal. The truth. I will always support her. It's artists like her, Lalah and Rahsaan that get little to no recognition for their phenomenal gifts. Not only that, I had the opportunity to briefly chat it up with her. She's a humble girl and I enjoy her thoroughly.

After her brief 3 song set, I was more than feeling the effects of my 3.5 Patron Margaritas...
I tipped off to the bathroom only to discover there was a line! I mean, the last time I checked I didn't have a vagina and I don't cross dress. So again, why was there a line in the mens room?

So I stood there for a second and blurted out, "Not a line." And the guy behind me started laughing and then he hit me with the hee...

"I know you." He said as he looked me dead in the eye and smiled.
"Do you really now?" I responded, wide-eyed, bushy-tailed and drunk.
"Yes! You're Trent Jackson! I listen to your shows and I've read your books, were friends on myspace." He said while laughing and smiling.
"What? Are we? What's your name?" I asked curiously.
"Insert Name here."
"Yes! I know you! You look different from your pictures! You're taller!!"
"Everyone says that."

He smiled. I gave him a hug and told him not to tell anyone he ran into me in the restroom....

...to be continued...

3.11.2009

Witty Wednesday 3.11.09

"The Prequel" Trent shows up refreshed talking a whole bunch of trash, his drug addiction, his birthday plans, whores, dating and the other usual banter.

3.09.2009

Trigger Cease Fire

Can I just say that my new life starts today?

It really truly does. In spite of everything, I am so very glad to be back in my skin, back to myself and looking at the person that I'm use to seeing. I haven't seen him since early 2007.

Yesterday I got re-connected with a few people that you know...not that we've been disconnected, somewhere in between life, we just kinda...pressed pause. And it felt good to talk to them briefly, just to catch up. We've become so accustomed to "MySpacing" and "Facebooking" everyone, you kinda forget that we are human. And we have emotions. We have feelings. We have sensors. These things need to be fed and the only real way to feed them is by using our senses, with other people.

Last night I had a clarity moment. I was talking to my best-friend on the phone and we were going over the details of my birthday party this weekend, since we had to scrap the other idea that I was toying with for the last 5 months, simply because a friend of mine stopped returning my phone calls, hmph...I usually get irritated around my birthday (another trigger that I identified) simply because people always find someway to sabotage my day. For instance, when I was 6, my first birthday party of massiveness, I thought because it was my birthday, I was supposed to win pin the tail on the donkey. I didn't. My mother spanked me in front of everyone at my party, drug me through the grass into the house and yelled at me profusely until my Grandmother (bless her gentle heart) intervened. Then, my mother gave me two hot dogs and told me to feel better. Hmph...look what kind of a mess she started. Eating to make myself feel better. It took me 19 years to get that problem under wraps.

So I was telling my B.F.F. that I usually drink excessively (every weekend) after my birthday, because it's always around this time I get really social and interactive always partying and out enjoying the weather. But the downside to all of that is the summer. It all comes crashing down in the summer. And we all remember what happened last summer.

Then it hit me. I told her I had to call her back and I immediately connected the dots. I went searching for a piece of paper just to double check my own notes.

It was June 23, 1988. I was 6 years old. And I attended my fathers funeral in South Bend, Indiana. A day that has caused me so much pain throughout my life, but at 6 years old you never think and you never know that you carry those things with you until you realize what's going on.

June 23, 2000. I was 18 years old. I graduated from Crenshaw High School, in Los Angeles, California. A day that caused me tremendous pain most of my adult life. No one on my mothers side of the family showed up to the graduation. I was alone. It was a day that I never forgot or will never forget - the emptiness, the abandonment and the hurt was so deep, I vowed to never share anything significant with anyone in my family ever again. And I did that. I could not risk being so hurt when it was supposed to be one of the happiest days in my life. I always told myself that when I graduate college, it would be my day - and I wouldn't tell anyone. I kept my word.

My point to all of this - subconsciously, I've always allowed those two events to affect my mental happiness every year since 1988. I've always wondered why I never fully enjoyed summer. Everyone was always out having fun, having flings, going to parties and living life. I was always at home, in the house and gaining weight, depressed, loosing my mind, stuck on weed, wellbutrin and food.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???

Now that I've identified this trigger...I can live my life, without being suicidal, eating everything in plain view, and smoking my life away...

It really is up to YOU to want to be happy. Yes things happen. People die. You get hurt. You experience pain, but you have to really want happiness. Just like I wanted to get high, just like I wanted to eat and trick myself into thinking that I wasn't shit and no one cared about me and I was better off dead. It is really up to you to define your own destiny, live your life without distractions.

A lesson that I didn't learn overnight. But came at the right moment.

It wasn't easy getting here. But I wouldn't change a thing that has happened. All of these things made me who I am.

3.06.2009

The Weeks End...

What started out as a midnight post last night to detail a few things that have been going on in my life, was cut short by a phone call from Kyle. Which was astonishing in itself. He finally put an end to the text message, instant message battle that we’ve been having for that last 90 days. In a sense, I gave in to the non-sense. As most of you know that I have a strong antipathy towards any forms of technological communication, including this new phenomenon of Twitter (in which I will never visit the website or get sucked in) MySpace and Facebook. But I say all of that to say, that Kyle either got tired of typing or trying to figure me out. So I believe, in a sense, he wanted to revisit the magic of the night that we first met.

I was sitting here thinking to myself, when is the last time I actually wrote something on my blog - that was personal, honest, from the heart and somewhat nostalgic of the things I used to write here. But then that got me to thinking, when was the last time I was honest with myself?

But what a fuckin' week man! If it were any other day I would be responding to emails from listeners, commenting on my radio show and flying high as a kite, but considering my week I'm glad I'm on hiatus and detox worked this time...and seemingly when I'm the most stressed, I used no quasi-aid to help me get through it. That says something to me. I'm stronger than I thought, more focused and determined than I thought I could ever be. And with self-control, I can win. What was I thinking about, the last two years of my life? High and out of control.

In the midst of Shelton dying, my aunt dying, my other uncle in the hospital - I've been fighting a lot of other things, primarily my own demons, that have always been there, breaking the chain of my parents and family and learning how to become independent and love me for the person that I used to be, the person that I am, and the man that I am becoming. I can finally take a look back and not have any regrets for what has happened. I've accepted my responsibility and taking things one step and one day at a time (swear to you I've never been to a 12 step program...)

I've done some fucked off shit. I've acted out of insecurity and I've allowed myself to be influenced and turn into a person I didn't even know. I'm glad that I am finally able to look in the mirror and see the person that I know, the inner child that still exists, the boy I used to be, but the man I am. The guy that Kyle likes and is intrigued by.

So when I answered at 12:50 a.m. I giggled to myself. I still don’t understand why people call at that hour, especially since they aren’t classified to call at that time or at all for that matter. He knew that I was awake, working, and thinking – but he had a trick up his sleeve, including the fact he failed to tell me he was a Libra.

Nostalgic. Funny how time flies when you’re having fun, on a soft-core level, played in the background. The heat blasted on a low mist and the lights pitch black. It’s been a while since I’ve had a conversation that late…it just reminded me that I’m an analog 90’s boy in a high sped digital world where personalities no longer exist and keyboards do all of our talking. It sucks, especially when you remember what the world was like before cell phones and the internet took over.

I've learned a lot over the past 6 months. Silently. Which makes the lesson more clear. My car, that I had less than a year, got repossessed last month. I lost my job. I lost a lot of money in the stock market over the past few months. I've been stripped of all the things I thought had meaning. But the entire time I was proud, boastful, egotistical - and lost myself in the mix.

God has an amazing way of humbling you and reminding you that you're just like everyone else. I'm not better than anyone...and I can say that if you don't appreciate the things and the people that God placed in your life to enhance you, he will most certainly, always on cue bring that ass back down to earth.

I’m feeling in between, but leaning towards the light. My intuition is telling me that my transformation is complete and better days are ahead. Understanding why my cousin is the way he is and hopes that he changes for the better, because I am like the Government, I can’t offer him any more bailouts. Taking a step back to watch my sister transform into a pseudo-defiant, determined, self-assured young lady at 6, already realized that neither one of her parents ain’t shit, I laugh in pain, sorrow and joy all at once. Praying that the man who has given so much of himself to make sure that I become the person that I am supposed to be, comes back safely like I know he will.

A week before my 27th birthday and I see everything clear. I know who I am. I know where I am going, and even though I wanted to be alone in my room with a 10 piece from wing stop, a bottle of Moet and a Lemon-Strawberry-Cream cheese birthday cake, it doesn’t look like that is going to happen that way…lol. My cosmic favors are up and too many people are rooting for my success and happiness as much as I am to ever let me be alone basking in drunk, insecure bitterness as I listen to the music that makes me happy and reminiscing on good times past.

Things are never what they seem and we have to go through the dark to see the light. Don’t we go to bed and wake up every morning?