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3.09.2009

Trigger Cease Fire

Can I just say that my new life starts today?

It really truly does. In spite of everything, I am so very glad to be back in my skin, back to myself and looking at the person that I'm use to seeing. I haven't seen him since early 2007.

Yesterday I got re-connected with a few people that you know...not that we've been disconnected, somewhere in between life, we just kinda...pressed pause. And it felt good to talk to them briefly, just to catch up. We've become so accustomed to "MySpacing" and "Facebooking" everyone, you kinda forget that we are human. And we have emotions. We have feelings. We have sensors. These things need to be fed and the only real way to feed them is by using our senses, with other people.

Last night I had a clarity moment. I was talking to my best-friend on the phone and we were going over the details of my birthday party this weekend, since we had to scrap the other idea that I was toying with for the last 5 months, simply because a friend of mine stopped returning my phone calls, hmph...I usually get irritated around my birthday (another trigger that I identified) simply because people always find someway to sabotage my day. For instance, when I was 6, my first birthday party of massiveness, I thought because it was my birthday, I was supposed to win pin the tail on the donkey. I didn't. My mother spanked me in front of everyone at my party, drug me through the grass into the house and yelled at me profusely until my Grandmother (bless her gentle heart) intervened. Then, my mother gave me two hot dogs and told me to feel better. Hmph...look what kind of a mess she started. Eating to make myself feel better. It took me 19 years to get that problem under wraps.

So I was telling my B.F.F. that I usually drink excessively (every weekend) after my birthday, because it's always around this time I get really social and interactive always partying and out enjoying the weather. But the downside to all of that is the summer. It all comes crashing down in the summer. And we all remember what happened last summer.

Then it hit me. I told her I had to call her back and I immediately connected the dots. I went searching for a piece of paper just to double check my own notes.

It was June 23, 1988. I was 6 years old. And I attended my fathers funeral in South Bend, Indiana. A day that has caused me so much pain throughout my life, but at 6 years old you never think and you never know that you carry those things with you until you realize what's going on.

June 23, 2000. I was 18 years old. I graduated from Crenshaw High School, in Los Angeles, California. A day that caused me tremendous pain most of my adult life. No one on my mothers side of the family showed up to the graduation. I was alone. It was a day that I never forgot or will never forget - the emptiness, the abandonment and the hurt was so deep, I vowed to never share anything significant with anyone in my family ever again. And I did that. I could not risk being so hurt when it was supposed to be one of the happiest days in my life. I always told myself that when I graduate college, it would be my day - and I wouldn't tell anyone. I kept my word.

My point to all of this - subconsciously, I've always allowed those two events to affect my mental happiness every year since 1988. I've always wondered why I never fully enjoyed summer. Everyone was always out having fun, having flings, going to parties and living life. I was always at home, in the house and gaining weight, depressed, loosing my mind, stuck on weed, wellbutrin and food.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???

Now that I've identified this trigger...I can live my life, without being suicidal, eating everything in plain view, and smoking my life away...

It really is up to YOU to want to be happy. Yes things happen. People die. You get hurt. You experience pain, but you have to really want happiness. Just like I wanted to get high, just like I wanted to eat and trick myself into thinking that I wasn't shit and no one cared about me and I was better off dead. It is really up to you to define your own destiny, live your life without distractions.

A lesson that I didn't learn overnight. But came at the right moment.

It wasn't easy getting here. But I wouldn't change a thing that has happened. All of these things made me who I am.

2 comments:

JNez said...

really happy for you that you continue to find your peace. i'm sorry for the childhood you experienced and can relate to your weed use & depression. keep searching for self-acceptance, brother.

Ladynay said...

Constantly finding way to balance life, identifying negative triggers and doing something about them, choosing to be happy.....

Love this post.