What started out as a midnight post last night to detail a few things that have been going on in my life, was cut short by a phone call from Kyle. Which was astonishing in itself. He finally put an end to the text message, instant message battle that we’ve been having for that last 90 days. In a sense, I gave in to the non-sense. As most of you know that I have a strong antipathy towards any forms of technological communication, including this new phenomenon of Twitter (in which I will never visit the website or get sucked in) MySpace and Facebook. But I say all of that to say, that Kyle either got tired of typing or trying to figure me out. So I believe, in a sense, he wanted to revisit the magic of the night that we first met.
I was sitting here thinking to myself, when is the last time I actually wrote something on my blog - that was personal, honest, from the heart and somewhat nostalgic of the things I used to write here. But then that got me to thinking, when was the last time I was honest with myself?
But what a fuckin' week man! If it were any other day I would be responding to emails from listeners, commenting on my radio show and flying high as a kite, but considering my week I'm glad I'm on hiatus and detox worked this time...and seemingly when I'm the most stressed, I used no quasi-aid to help me get through it. That says something to me. I'm stronger than I thought, more focused and determined than I thought I could ever be. And with self-control, I can win. What was I thinking about, the last two years of my life? High and out of control.
In the midst of Shelton dying, my aunt dying, my other uncle in the hospital - I've been fighting a lot of other things, primarily my own demons, that have always been there, breaking the chain of my parents and family and learning how to become independent and love me for the person that I used to be, the person that I am, and the man that I am becoming. I can finally take a look back and not have any regrets for what has happened. I've accepted my responsibility and taking things one step and one day at a time (swear to you I've never been to a 12 step program...)
I've done some fucked off shit. I've acted out of insecurity and I've allowed myself to be influenced and turn into a person I didn't even know. I'm glad that I am finally able to look in the mirror and see the person that I know, the inner child that still exists, the boy I used to be, but the man I am. The guy that Kyle likes and is intrigued by.
So when I answered at 12:50 a.m. I giggled to myself. I still don’t understand why people call at that hour, especially since they aren’t classified to call at that time or at all for that matter. He knew that I was awake, working, and thinking – but he had a trick up his sleeve, including the fact he failed to tell me he was a Libra.
Nostalgic. Funny how time flies when you’re having fun, on a soft-core level, played in the background. The heat blasted on a low mist and the lights pitch black. It’s been a while since I’ve had a conversation that late…it just reminded me that I’m an analog 90’s boy in a high sped digital world where personalities no longer exist and keyboards do all of our talking. It sucks, especially when you remember what the world was like before cell phones and the internet took over.
I've learned a lot over the past 6 months. Silently. Which makes the lesson more clear. My car, that I had less than a year, got repossessed last month. I lost my job. I lost a lot of money in the stock market over the past few months. I've been stripped of all the things I thought had meaning. But the entire time I was proud, boastful, egotistical - and lost myself in the mix.
God has an amazing way of humbling you and reminding you that you're just like everyone else. I'm not better than anyone...and I can say that if you don't appreciate the things and the people that God placed in your life to enhance you, he will most certainly, always on cue bring that ass back down to earth.
I’m feeling in between, but leaning towards the light. My intuition is telling me that my transformation is complete and better days are ahead. Understanding why my cousin is the way he is and hopes that he changes for the better, because I am like the Government, I can’t offer him any more bailouts. Taking a step back to watch my sister transform into a pseudo-defiant, determined, self-assured young lady at 6, already realized that neither one of her parents ain’t shit, I laugh in pain, sorrow and joy all at once. Praying that the man who has given so much of himself to make sure that I become the person that I am supposed to be, comes back safely like I know he will.
A week before my 27th birthday and I see everything clear. I know who I am. I know where I am going, and even though I wanted to be alone in my room with a 10 piece from wing stop, a bottle of Moet and a Lemon-Strawberry-Cream cheese birthday cake, it doesn’t look like that is going to happen that way…lol. My cosmic favors are up and too many people are rooting for my success and happiness as much as I am to ever let me be alone basking in drunk, insecure bitterness as I listen to the music that makes me happy and reminiscing on good times past.
Things are never what they seem and we have to go through the dark to see the light. Don’t we go to bed and wake up every morning?