i'm happy. lol...
for real tho.
i'm content. i'm happy. i'm blessed.
today i'm grateful for my life.
after all the shit...
all of the things that I've been through in my life...
have prepared me for the next level. I am there...walking right into it.
i'm just sitting here amazed at how fast my sister has grown. i love that little girl. God is amazing. He brightened my life with this little girl that I was so excited to meet. to see what she looked like. to see if she would like me...lol. she has allowed me to heal that wounded little boy that lived inside of me. that insecure kid who still ruled my life...up until recently. that kid that carried around being molested, missing his daddy, being called fat, stupid. the kid that carried that rejection. that ruled me up until recently. having her around made me give her all of the things that i didn't get as a kid growing up.
one day i was playing with her...and she looked at me with this pleased look on her face. and simply said "I'm glad you're playing with me." and it made me cry. as i child at 7, i remember being vividly lonely and sad. she won't have to go through any of the emotional shit that I went through. I paid the price for her...lol.
but the beauty of that is having people like my uncle support me. having a perfect stranger flirt. hearing my mother apologize. for hearing that person smile when i call them on the phone. making eye contact with someone for the first time and feeling a connection. hearing that you've made someones day. befriending the person that you grew up watching on tv. it pays to pay the price. all of the things that ultimately matter...are all there, present in my life.
for all of the friends i thought i had. the ones that said they understood. for all the ones that used me. for all of the ones who talked about me behind my back. the ones who slept with my mates. for the ones who wrecked my friendships. the ones who laughed in my face and said i would never write a book. there is this guy that i know named josh, who will always have my back no matter what. and it's good to know that no matter what happens in life there will always be someone who does understand. and is loyal to the end.
now as i stand in the threshold of old and new...a new challenge stands before me...one that i'll keep to myself. he's more than an afterthought.
i finally like what i see.
it feels good to finally
loving without any limits.
not having any regrets...
living my life beyond the limits
that i thought had been set.
acknowledging him in all i do...
it wouldn't make sense if i didn't.
how else did i get through?
i've made up my mind
that now is the time
to prove to myself
that all that i've been through
will be put to good use.
out with the old
and in with the new...
i'm staring now...
no longer having a point to prove.