the first order off business was to take off my three week old dress slacks and scratch my scrotum after a quasi-interesting first day at my new corporate gig. i told myself that i would be sleep by midnight, but there it was 2:45 monday morning and i was still up doing all of the things i shouldn't be doing. anxiety always gets the best of me. i could remember, specifically during grade school, staying up all night in excitement for the first day of school. any time it's the first day of anything, it always happens like that.
i admitted to myself a few months back, before i moved from L.A. that i severely lacked discipline, structure and focus. seemingly, i always have work that needs to be done before the sun sets. does it ever get done? eventually...in it's right timing i guess.
i'm coming down from a great b.day - they get better every year. typically i am depressed somewhere spazzing out, acting as if no one loves me or cares about me, thanks to the dysfunction of my family. but many people have proven that fact to be false, i finally get it. i thank God for great friends, past and present who have pointed out certain things to me. this year was truly touching - as someone i had just met, came to my party and said the most sincere words spoken...and it was done on the fly which made it really special. 28 is a great age. i can look back and laugh at how silly and insecure i used to be and i can embrace the man that i've become and love myself for that. it feels good.
i'm still getting acclimated to the new city, that i visited enough to make me want to move here. i'm working on my show and giving it the overhaul and revamp it desperately needs, because even though i love doing my show, i've been bored with it for quite sometime. depression didn't assist much, but it didn't hurt it either as most find solace in my own admissions of guilt and stupidity. one thing is for sure though, i'm excited about my upcoming book tour. i was at a point where i didn't feel like participating in the grind anymore. the politics of the game coupled with being a black gay man in a fishbowl of sorts only made my antipathy stronger for people and it successfully, completely robbed me of my joy. i'm glad that i am not in the place, mentally, that I had been in for at least 8 years. more noticeably 3.
getting back to who i am at the core has been fun, long and difficult. minus the obvious 7 pounds that i gained on my transition here (which is a lot in my mind...only because my body is not slim by design). clearly it was my addiction to hostess danish that resurfaced during week one - after a 2 year self-sponsored sabbatical to stop my indulging so i could drop the 100 pounds, i was carrying for whatever reasons...but today when i pulled my pants off and the button popped, it was apparent that in typical oprah fashion, i again had fallen off the wagon. but when i was releasing my lunch in the corporate restroom, i knew that button was going to pop. so much for being a size 38...lol. i tried!! so after i walk around and channel one of my grandmothers "poor & hungry" recipes, i will be off to the designer gym located in the basement of my glitter on the outside, scandal on the inside over-priced condo to do lunges, crunches and about 10 minutes on the treadmill. can amazon hurry up and send a nigga a check? i'm tired of this in-between royalty type of living. speaking of which, my publishing company is obviously bullshitting me on my royalties from my biggest cash cow, "At This Moment". they owe me a truck load of money and they are not returning phone calls...which is going to cost me more money to get a return phone call. i really hate it when corporate goes corporate and act like they don't know what i'm talking about. hmph. beware of what yall sign! these hoes always underestimate me all the time...
i've been blogging for 5 years. time flies! happy belated bloggerversary to me. i'm not the guy that i used to be. there is always movement, even if it is forced and unnoticed. i'm not reactionary as i used to be. i'm proud of myself for making the changes that i've made so far...i'm looking forward to the great things that are in store for me. and even though i know that this is (temporary setback) nothing more than a learning lesson, everything will be fine, even if it's not the way i want things to be right now.
i'm ready to start dating again. i'm ready to be social again. i'm ready to be myself...again.
p.s. in other news...i've been saying it for years, KARYN WHITE LIVES!