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Raising The Toilet Seat

Just when you think that being nice and having the proper attitude will open doors, it doesn’t or at least it seems that way. I’ve always been the type of person to always keep composure especially under pressure – and even when I am having a core meltdown, you may think that the end maybe in my cards, but I always return harder than I did before, a note to take for all the nosey people that read this, thinking you have me figured out. You don’t and you should know that by now.

I’ve been living in my new city for a month. And I love it! Sometimes you have to show people better than you can ever tell them. I always like to give people warning and let them know who they are dealing with, what they are getting into and what’s about to happen. I don’t like surprises unless it’s a surprise birthday party or an unexpected check. Speaking of checks, I see I’m gonna have to get gully with my publishing company about royalties not being issued, but that’s exactly what happens when you don’t MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. My bad.

Back to the point – I’ve been in my city for a month and I love it! I scored a fantastic job and it’s such a blessing. Because anyone who knows me personally that I always have some workplace issue, that I am always reactionary too. Let’s just say I learned my lesson.

My first day at the office, the guy I replaced, was going to train me. Because my job requires a security clearance and it’s associated with the Government I just assumed that my predecessor was going to be white, definitely homosexual, southern Baptist, republican with a short bob cut,  a lisp, blue eyes and extremely corporate. WRONG. When he hit the corner, he was black, plump, and gay with dreads! He was me!! Well not quite. I had a few things on him, the main one being my presentation. While I’m a bum during my perusing of target and other local attractions (while only in Los Angeles, cause where I am at you definitely have to be a non-fashion misfit) at work, I’m seriously dressed to the 9’s. So in retrospect, since I work in corporate, to them we look the same. But to us it’s like no.

I’m not big on looks, but if you work and have the luxury of benefits in today’s job market, I urge you to take full advantage of all of your benefits, specifically your dental plan. #Shade

So, in my gay brain, I’m thinking that because he’s black and I’m black, he’s gay, I’m gay – were going to get along well and we could possibly be acquaintances. WRONG. What was I thinking; most faggots are nice nasty – while most gay people are nice until you cross them. Here I go, trying to be nice and make friends! Why can’t I learn? Especially when people automatically start spazzing out when I enter the room, it it’s not my fault that in my mind and in several others’ opinions, that I am the complete package: smart, attractive, creative, articulate, talented, has great sex...blah, blah, blah.  And clearly if you have issues with me on some jealousy shit, you overtly insecure in your abilities, it has nothing to do with me. It’s like get yourself together and stop making me your business.

So over the past week and a half or so, monster mouth has continually set me up for failure. He started out first by explaining his position AT me and not TO me. For example, the fool never once looked me in the eye, he looks away, talks with his back turned, just being disrespectful. Why are you so uncomfortable with me homosexual? Does my light bring that much intensity to your eyes that you can’t look at me? You’d think that since he spends so much time carrying around his Jesus oil and listening to non-secular music on a habitual and consistent basis that he’d have no problem with me being a good natured, God fearing, cock sucker who is only here to enhance not hurt and holdup. But no! He wants to challenge me, attempt to fuck me over, so I can stop with the competition…someone please tell this girl to rest.

When I first got here to the office, one of the first questions I ask him, what is the climate here in the office like? His response, “It’s usually cold all day. The thermostat is usually set at 68”


Okay, let’s try this again. “So do you guys, dress business M-F or do you guys have casual dress Friday, etc.” So he begins to explain to me that they do participate in casual dress Friday.  Friday morning, when I woke up, something said “Put on slacks and polo.” I always trust my intuition. Why when I got to the muthafuckin office, these fools had on suits and ties. Right. Thank God I was still in dress, codes, Ties optional. And coming from a person that doesn’t use his dental plan, how could I expect him to give me the proper information? This fool only told me he, he doesn’t own but one tie! Nigga, you work in corporate; you need to own a tie. Even I know that, the fool that doesn’t know how to tie a tie! I own several; there is always some man willing to tie a tie for you. Thank God I live with a man, who grew up with a daddy in the house, who doesn’t mind tying my tie for me.

So in addition to all of that, he has withheld pertinent information from me and has also brought other people into his gay game of charades.

The I.T. guy told me on Friday, “Oh Jason said that you didn’t need access to that distribution list so I didn’t add it” Really Mr. Fine ass Filipino I.T. man? Well here is an email from the Director of the BUILDING stating to give me access to everything, he has access to. I’m replacing him, so why wouldn’t I need access? Okay, let the games begin people.

Fast forward to today, just when I try to press F5 on the work week and start off fresh
I see that I'm going to have to turn my shadybitchfag o'meter up about three notches dealing with this house-nigger! Just as usual he deliberately tells me how NOT to do something, so when massa asks me to do it, I look quasi mentally incapacitated, thank God for the ability to be articulate - and do a back flip and land on my feet! or else I'd be chopped and screwed like a t-pain song.

I ask this porch monkey lookin' nigger via electronic mail how to issue out a new security card, he then tells me that I have to go into his profile on the computer in which he gives me the wrong password, which ultimately locks me and HIM out of his own account...thus creating more work for himself - having to contact password reset and all like that.

I don't understand why he trying to make this difficult for me, is it because he knows I'm not doing shit and he want's me to do something? or is he really bothered at my ability to effectively and "seamlessly" run this office without asking him how to do something, since I utilize more than 10% of my brain to actually compute when someone is attempting to sabotage me...or is because his 100% is actually only my 40% hmph. He makes me want to do sit ups, jog and loose more weight to add to my already impressive package. Ugh... haters are always at work.

The moral of the story is, when people try and sabotage you, they're only making matters worse for themselves and making you look better! Besides there is nothing like keeping your cool and knowing that you’re obviously doing something right if evil forces are puppet mastering hoes into trying to fuck up your groove. Don’t let it break you, hoes will always be mad your presence.

You have a fantastic day. Thank you for being a friend and allowing me to take a dump in your toilet. I'll politely spray and flush now.

Good Day!

1 comment:

Tim said...

Trent, it's all about JEALOUSY. You and I both know that. Continue to do you and everything will be fine.