Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

5.31.2010

Friends


It took me a minute to figure out what the word friend meant. I thought it was the people that I talked to or even hung out with everyday, the people that I went to The Abbey with, the people I got high with - The people that ultimately perpetuated and enabled my destructive behavior. Not to place the blame on them because I had to go through those things to understand the real meaning of the word and get an understanding of self-control and boundaries. Friends are the people that grow with you and don’t judge you. They don’t turn their backs on you especially when the chips are down, when you don’t go to the places you used to go or do the things that you used to do and when you want to do something out of the norm.

I’ve had a lot of friendships, better yet interactions with people, or what I like to call dress rehearsals.  They taught me how to appreciate my true, lifetime friends. Over the past few years, in retrospect, I think people were fascinated with the fact that I was quasi-popular, I wrote books and I knew and hung out with famous people. And like that VH-1 show, I question "Where are they now?"

One thing is for sure I take friendship very seriously. I can remember when I was growing up; I was teased for several reasons. And I would always tell myself, never mistreat people the way that I had been mistreated growing up. I never wanted people to feel the way I felt as a kid, the same feelings that I held on to up until college. I haven’t always done the right things by my friends – and I had to learn and be taught what a good friend is. I credit Lalah and Raquel for teaching me about what a true friend is. It was then I was able to correct some of my errors with my friends but and fortunately, we’ve remained close even if we did go a few months or years without talking.

You always find out who your real friends are when the shit hits the fan.

I always think about when I published my first novel 6 years ago. And I remember my so called friends, laughing at me, saying I was lying or just talking, I wasn’t going to write a book and if I did, what would I write a book about. I wrote my book, then I wrote two more and about to release another one…you’d be surprised how those same people treat me now.

When I first decided that I needed to move to – I told a few people, whom I had known for YEARS. In my mind I didn’t think that I would need to conceal information from them, because they had always been supportive of me. You would be surprised at how many people asked me, why I was moving out of state, what about my family, what about this, what about that? If I really thought about other people more than I have, where would I end up?

Friends challenge your growth. They tell you things that are honest that you don’t want to hear. They motivate, inspire, they make you uncomfortable when you are TOO comfortable. They support you no matter what. And they are there when things are all bad. Friends NEVER say or do anything that HOLD YOU BACK OR HOLD YOU UP.

Before I moved from Los Angeles, I had a string of bad luck. I lost several jobs, my car got repoed and it seemed as though I was cursed! All of my friends scattered like roaches. That is when I started to see who my real friends where. The ones that listened, the ones that didn’t judge, the ones that didn’t go behind my back, the ones that were right there and did things without even asking, without wanting anything in return.

I’ve learned a lot in the past 90 days. When I first moved from Los Angeles, I gave myself 90 days to get everything in motion, find a job, place to live, etc. Trust and believe that shit wasn’t easy. There were days where I was ready to pack up and go back to my dismal life and return to my comfort zone, because things were not working in my favor or better yet, the way I wanted them to go, when I wanted them to go. I had truly stepped put on faith. I didn’t know how, why if or when if my move was going to work. And right as I threw my hands up, I literally got off the floor and walked into a fantastic opportunity. (Don’t ever give up)

I was talking to my friend from college earlier today. I always enjoy talking to her, she is one of the few people, I don’t have to explain anything to – because she gets it. She got it from jump. Every time I talk to her, I feel so revitalized and inspired. The way you should always feel when you hang up the phone with someone.

I’ve been through a lot with people. But I’m grateful that I’m able to recognize true friendship and value that.

I want to say thanks to a few people for making a tremendous impact over the last few months and 
making my transition to my new home a lot easier. These are the people who a lot of your guys didn’t see, the people that were behind the scenes, the people that held me together to make everything look “perfect” on the outside…the people that made whatever I was going through look easy, especially when my world crumbled. There are always people like this…and a lot of the times they never get credit that they deserve. I want to thank the following people for their unyielding, selfless, grounding friendship and loyalty.

Christian – For all that you’ve done. When I didn’t have a car, you didn’t even ask if I needed to go anywhere or do anything, you just came thru and did it. Not very many people would do that. You made sure that I didn’t stay depressed; you talked a bunch of shit, made me laugh and helped me keep a balanced perspective even when I didn’t think it was possible. And to think we almost got into that bar fight! I appreciate all of the drunken nights on the town…lmao! I can’t wait till we do it again…I can drink because of you…lol

Star – For always listening and having an encouraging word! You reminded me how I’m always doing for others and not enough for me…I appreciate you supporting all of my ventures and keeping it real! I’ll never forget what you said to me at my book release party a few years back. Thank you for making yourself available and checking in on me and just being there! It means a lot.

Karen – You provided the blueprint for me! I thank you for giving me a mold to follow and sharing your notes with me. I appreciate it. You came thru for me this week and it brought me to tears. You are a beautiful spirit and I thank you for all you’ve done over the last 10 years. We can relate to each other with eye contact! And that is priceless…thank you for keeping my diet in order and sharing all of your veggie secrets with me! Can’t wait till we hit the bars again! We just need to find the right people to bar hop with…lol

Kristina – You have made this transition seem seamless to the naked eye. If it were not for you, I would have been back in L.A. a long time ago. Words cannot express my gratitude for all that you’ve done…you’ve keep my operation going, before it was even started. I know I say thank you all the time, but what else can I say to someone who has bent over backwards for me?

Don – Thank you for opening the gates and giving me the space to start my new life. Thank you for dealing with my spazzing, that has to be a lot for someone to see a grown ass man lay on the floor and throw a tantrum like he’s two…my bad!!! It was a crazy week…but thank you for understanding and not judging. You’ve been teaching me a whole lot and you’ve definitely sharpened my ability to deal with people. Thank you bro!

Brandi Moore – I’ve always said you make the best, life long friends in college. You have been a pre-cursor to my writing career! I always tell people how you gave me my VERY FIRST writing job. Thank you for that…you were the one who said to me, “You can be on page 7 one day and the front page the next.” I don’t even have to explain anything to you. Thank you for being 1 of 2 people to see me at my very worst…that’s scary now that I think about it! We share a special connection! I can’t wait to see you.

Kyle – I don’t think I would have been able to finish my book without talking to you…You always seemed to pop out of no where right when I was having a block. You’ve definitely inspired this new project more than I’d like to admit…lol, but I hope you enjoy it. You definitely have made an impact just by being yourself and I appreciate that very much! Get back safe! There is work to be done…

And last but not least…My uncle DuWayne – thank you for pushing me and supporting me all this way. You’ve been a father and a big brother to me and if it weren’t for you listening, supporting, giving advice and giving unselfishly I would still be stuck in park! You’ve been such a blessing to me and I can’t wait till I can pay you back some kind of way for all you’ve done.


Be blessed! Respect, protect and nourish your friendships, for they are like plants. Without proper water and sunlight, they will die of malnourishment.  

5.30.2010

Patron Margarita

First off. I'm drunk. So fuck all you hating ass hoes...lol. I see yall bitches.

Next. I'm over drugs just like i'm over partying at prides. If I'm signing a book thats a different story.

I love my manager. she keeps it real and she has my best interest.

I had fun tonight with my publicist.

There is nothing wrong with me. I pray. i learn. i treat people right - and i know where i am going.

lightin' & thunder. i get it from my momma.

5.28.2010

The Breakthrough

Only those who operate in genuine authenticity will survive and win. Strength is only one tenth of it. -trent.jackson

5.27.2010

F5

To be honest, the last few months of my life have been rough, but in a good way. A few months before  I moved from Los Angeles to the east coast on a whim, I admitted to myself that I severely lacked discipline, self-control and focus. Three things that one needs to have in order to be successful. And part of being successful is being able to stay out of your own way.  When I decided to move there was no planning, there was no thinking. I literally woke up one morning and the first thing that popped in my head was "it's time to go." I was tired of my own life. I didn't want to end up dead or in jail. It had got to that point.

The truth is, Los Angeles hadn't worked for me in a long time. You should never force something that's not working to work. Being a Los Angeles native, I've seen what the city does to people who come there to make their dreams come true. They always end up chewed up, swallowed and thrown right up on Santa Monica Blvd. And even though I knew the game, I never thought that it would happen to me.

I always thought that I was strong enough to get over it. I was and still am, my only problem is and will always be, I can't be fake. It's not in my makeup to go along, condone or comply with anything that isn't authentic, genuine and in the greater good for all. Los Angeles will never offer that. I refuse to be broken.

One thing is for sure God has a way of putting that ass in place. Because I'm prideful and too independent, I think I'm in control. I'm not. My control issues stem all the way back to when I was molested and my family being emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I never had a voice, I never had control and I've spent a great amount of time drawing attention to myself, instead of just being myself. Every day, I get better at being myself - and the longer I stay sober, the more I love myself.

A lot has taken place, specifically over the last three years that has allowed me to examine everything in my life and put it into perspective. My issues with food, my issues with drugs, my issues with relationships. It all points back to me and my control issues. More so my inability to effectively balance and deal with conflict while confronting things head on.

My last job in Los Angeles at Sony Music, my boss and I were having a conversation. It was involving a co-worker that I didn't care for. My way of dealing with my co-worker was to ignore her (in which I noticed that I have an issue with women) and not feed into her. My boss looked at me and said "You think you deal with conflict, but you really don't." Of course, I played the victim and tried to counteract what she was saying, but after thinking about it and coming to grips with her findings a year later, she was right.

It's all a process...and know that if you don't deal with someone or something, it will be a recurring theme in your life until you correct it, that's if and only if you see it.

I had to leave my environment to get myself in order. I had to put aside everything that came along with the L.A. lifestyle that I had become accustomed to, that wasn't at all healthy or conducive to the person that I know I'm suppose to be.

This has been the longest week in history. This is the longest time in about a year that I've been sober. I've had my spazz moments, but I had to realize the process. We have to yield to God in order to receive the things that he's promised us.

Have you ever just been quiet and still - all of a sudden you see yourself doing things you've always dreamed about. It's simply God's way of showing you whats ahead. Before I moved here, I envisioned myself here and I spoke it into existence and it happened. I literally had 50.00$ in my pocket when I moved...that was after I paid the airline for my two checked bags. My friend picked me up from the airport - and I couldn't believe that I had done it. But God doesn't lead you to a desolate place. I say all that to say that "God works for you, not against you."

I'm waiting on a few pending situations. I'm impatient and I want things to happen when I want them to happen, not realizing that I have to get out of my own way and not block what is supposed to be. Being high gets in the way of what you could have.

I can't go on a book tour high. I can't be an effective example high. I can't do shit right high, but have sex and eat...how productive is that?

I say all that to say, get out of your own way, yield and let God do what he's supposed to do...like my Twitter friend MixMasterCash said " #YouGottaLoveitwhen GOD says sit down, I got it from here."

5.26.2010

Again...

You can say it was love at first sight. But it was more like an instantaneous connection. A bond that would never break. It was 5 years ago that we met that summer day...but the first time i saw him, it was a brisk night in February that I'll never forget.

He was fascinating. He was alluring. He was a gentle spirit that radiated bright as the sun. I was young, bright eyed and bushy tailed. He was older, a little more experienced and he was very welcoming. He made me feel comfortable. It didn't help that he was attractive either. He was perfect in my insecure mind and my unstable world.

I remember the conversation like yesterday. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch. He lived in New York and I lived in L.A. Within two days of the initial meet - he called to tell me goodbye and that he was sorry that we couldn't hang out more while he was in L.A., but he said anytime I was in New York - call him and told me I could stay at his place. I eventually took him up on the offer, when I went there for the first time, to promote my second novel, "Full Circle" in 2007.

In the early days, we talked on the phone all the time. Staying on the phone for hours talking about the industry, the other gays - he was my friend. I felt safe with him and I trusted him. And I started to like him on another level. We had a bond and a lot of people were jealous of that. I remember once, I flew out to D.C. to support him when he was the recipient of an award. That was a fun time! In fact, it was my first time in D.C. He was a lot of the reason I began to travel a lot, he definitely inspired a lot in me.
He taught me a lot about the business. I remember going to the restroom and when I came out I overheard another gay-lebrity ask him "Why are you with him? Why is he here? I thought you hated him!" I'll always remember his response, it made me smile, but it also made me pissed that the other fag was being a hater! That wasn't the first time that happened. Once we became associated with one another, you wouldn't believe the amount of scrutiny I got.

I started noticing a few changes with him. I knew what they were about, but it's kind of hard to talk to someone about their substance abuse (hard drugs). Me being young and extremely naive (looking back) I didn't know what to do. I didn't talk about it. Although he never used around me (before my weed days) I always knew.


Over the years, I could tell that his addiction was getting worse. He got worse. It had come to a point where he stopped answering my calls...and being an addict myself, i knew what that was about. But we still remained close. I never judged. I did pray. I prayed for him. I prayed for my own recovery. Even though I wasn't on hard drugs, addiction is still addiction. The only thing that I could do was love him, continue to be his friend and never turn my back on him. He was a friend to me and I was loyal to him.

Late last year, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to stop dealing with him. I was going through my own changes and something that I didn't particularly care for transpired between us one night while we were in The Hamptons together. I attributed it to his drug use, but i still made the choice to leave him alone. I gave him some space. I stopped calling and I began production on "Pop Life" and channeled my energy towards that.

At the top of the year, we had began talking again. He insisted that we hangout, but something kept telling me not to visit - and i am glad I followed my intuition. One morning, I woke up and deleted his number. But because it had been in my phone 5 years, i knew the number by heart.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that i had a missed call from him. I wasn't too elated. In fact I carried on about my day and ignored the fact that he called.

I spent my day going over edits for "Pop Life", reading my twitter and praying.

Something hit me. Call him. I just thought about our whole friendship. I thought about my own addiction and my own grapple to stay sober. I thought about why I started smoking weed and all of the things that came along with it and thought about my friendships over the last three years. I've lost a lot of friends - and it wasn't really a loss, it was more so cleaning house. You can always tell your real friends when the chips are down. I've been high, broke, misunderstood and bitter, you can trust and believe, I know who my real friends are.

I dialed his number. And his voice, was the voice that I remember. It was him and I knew, right when he picked up the phone, he was getting his life together - just as I was. I almost cried. I was happy to have my friend back.

I was a little angry and I expressed that. I told him that I had been worried for a while and I'm glad that he was able to talk to me about some of what he went through. I understand him, just as I did when we first initiated our friendship 5 years ago.

He needed a friend and somewhere in his mind, he never forgot my loyalty. But I forgot mine, but not completely. I had to check myself. I couldn't call myself a friend and abandon him, when he was going through a rough time. That's not what friends do and that's not the kind of friend that I am. In order to have the kind of friends we want, we have to be that to ourselves first. And lord knows, especially over the last few months, some of my friends have come through for me just like family if not more.

After our brief talk a piece of my soul healed. My heart danced. The connection that we had, it never died. The truth is, I missed him and I was hurting, just as he was. I'm glad that i pushed myself aside, to be there, to let him know that he still had a friend. Sometimes that's all we need to make a difference.

When we hung up the phone today, I fell in love with him Again. 

5.09.2010

Dreaming Big While The Wind Is Blowing

I'm glad I didn't cut my hair.

I was almost ready to fit in, blend in, conform and not be seen. It's never been my style, but for some reason my mind was trying to trick me into settling  and being like them. Honestly, nothing has changed. Listen to the end of  "Window Seat", the spoken word part and you'll understand why I say that.

Even though I moved, my mentality didn't make the change completely. I still had Los Angeles lifestyle habits that don't really comply with where I am living. I had to press F5 again. I saw myself going back to what I used to be and I know that I've come to far to turn back around and be stuck. I've written and sang that song loud and long enough.

This move has really taught me a lot about my prideful self. I'm one of these people that wants instantaneous results. If I say I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I expect for it to magically appear in front of me. Silly right? I've had to check myself in a lot of areas and admit out loud that I have some things that I need to work on.

Visiting home last week grounded me and make me grind harder. It really did.

One thing that I need to do is pray more and a very dear friend reminded me of that this week, just as I was getting ready to have a spazzcore meltdown. I get into this mindset that I can do all things through Trent which strengthens me, which is a complete and utter farce! I'm so dumb, I should know by now that as soon as I pray, because I have favor, because I treat people right - that instantaneous result that I want, will happen, but if and only if I acknowledge God - and listen to the message that he sends through people.

I'm not a church goer by any means. And because of that, my church always comes through the form of people...messengers. This morning when I woke up, I was stressed. In all honesty, this is probably the first (and last) time that I've been flat out BROKE. But I believe it's preparation for something bigger. A lot of the times we see people with mass amounts of money, mismanage it and end up broke, or filing for bankruptcy. I always wonder, do people forget what life was like before they got their first or a major payday? I'll never forget my come, especially since I just recently moved to the east coast. When I'm ready and soon, I'll discuss the mojo behind "Pop Life" and talk in detail about how my life has been a downward spiral for the last three years.

When I woke up this morning, I was a bit salty. I was mad. Things haven't been going 100% the way that I would have liked for them to go so far and I wanted to be further than I am at the 90 day mark - and in all honesty, it's because I haven't prayed. I can say that I'm just resting and detoxing from L.A., but I did that the first two weeks I got here. But truthfully, I've been slacking - and the hit or miss complacency that I grapple with, well, has hit me yet again. I had to check myself.

As I laid there, something said "I dare you to pray" it was 12:40. I said at 12:45 I'll pray and meditate for 15 minutes - and so it commenced. My prayers are not the traditional, get on your knees, close your eyes, and all of that...praying is an intimate conversation that you have with God - and it can take place anywhere, but serenity is a must.

I talk to God like my homeboy, without the cursing. I always start out by thanking him for being a good friend - and showing me the answers - then I just say whats on my mind. Specifically sighting what I need, not want but need. I told him that I stepped out on faith and moved, I've helped tons of people, wanting nothing in return. I've helped people until I was left with nothing. And here I am again with nothing, I am in need. I started envisioning myself where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do and then, 1:00 hit. Something told me to text my friend that has lived here for 10 years, that I went to high school with back in Los Angeles. She and her mother were actually the inspiration behind my catering company Exquisite Nosh.


I'm sooooo silly. Let me show you how quickly my prayer worked...lol. Again I've been here 90 days - I told her I was coming, but I have this mindset to not bother people and ask them for anything. So I never reached out, once I got here. Not only does she live literally, two blocks away from me, she had been waiting on me to call her, because she had some information for me. Needless to say, everything I asked for in my prayer she repeated back for me, specifically saying to me "I remember what you did for me..." and I in my prayer I said to God "All I've done for people, I need some of that back right now, I'm in need". And within minutes, I was inspired all over again.

The bottom line: Pray. Without prayer ain't shit gonna go right for you. You've got to acknowledge God in all that you do. And he'll always make a way, even when your pride and ego get in the way.

Thank you God for continually blessing me!

5.07.2010

blank canvas

One thing is for sure, I've been enjoying my me time.

I have to admit, that the L.A. life style had me caught by the balls - and being from L.A. that shouldn't have really happened, especially since I know the game. Or so I thought.

This past week was my first time back in L.A. since I moved in February and I have to admit it felt good to be home for a minute and I got kind of emotional when I left, something that I didn't that was going to happen. After day two, I was honestly ready to go, because I don't like getting caught back up in routine. But it was good to spend time with my sister - and to really connect with my mother. She and I have seemingly been at odds since I can remember, but in all honesty it was good seeing my mother. I think moving away could have been the best thing, even if it means that me and my mother can actually have a productive, healthy relationship. I didn't realize mothers day was coming - in my mind I wanted to stay, but for once, my mother understands that I have to work and do my thing.

In a lot of ways I realized that my mother is very proud of me, for the first time she directly, but indirectly acknowledged my work. 5 years and 3 books later, she finally said something to me that hit home and gave me the validation that I've been needing from family for years. That validation is the exact fuel i needed behind this project.

I was also able to see my favorite uncle and his wife while in L.A. they were visiting from Europe and I haven't seen them since October - so the mini reunion was powerful. Going home was very humbling and it allowed me to refocus.

I haven't put a dent in my new city like I've wanted to, but that is what this summer is for...along with a book tour that I'm putting the finishing touches on.

I've been enjoying myself...a little stressed, but I'm a spazzer, what can I say? Everything is going well...

living
learning
loving
laughing
luxuriating

p.s. the season 9 intro is done...but I don't like it lol...

5.06.2010

bitch ass.faggot ass.punk ass.pussy ass.bitch ass nigga!!!

As much as I attempt not to address haters, I have to...just for venting purposes. Cause errynowandden a muthafucka wanna get slick and try you. Even I know not to cross myself...but anyway, leave it up to a bitch ass, faggot ass, punk ass, pussy ass, bitch ass nigga!!! So when I relocated, I chose a city that I liked and at least knew 5 people in...so once I made my decision, I called up one of my closest friends from undergrad and told him I wanted to move, he said "come on". Not that I was basing my sole decision on him, but because we had a lot in common (or so i thought) i was like what the hell? And when you think you have a relationship with someone that has spanned a decade, you don't think people will attempt to shade you...


Before I decided to jump L.A.'s sinking ship, I had already planned to visit the city for my b-day, because it had always been a dream of mine to spend one of my b-day's out of town...so we (he and I) had come up with some idea's for our b.days since they fall a day apart.

So anyway, I got here February 26th - and as soon as I got here I noticed him being obviously distant - saying that we were going to hookup and he never called or showed, so I got the hint. And I didn't press the issue. I already had things lined up and a master to plan to unleash when I got here and I wasn't taking any prisoners...or chasing someone who obviously didn't want to be bothered. Out of all the people that lived here already, he was the only one that didn't welcome me with open arms. And considering that we shared a considerable amount of time together in college, he gave no indication that he would flip...but thats people fro you, right?

He called one day, close to our birthdays. His birthday fell on Friday mine on Saturday. He had already stated to me that he was going out on Friday night and I told him I would attend, since I wanted to do a Saturday brunch - which is what I did. So long story short, why did I call this muthafucka on Wednesday March 10th and ask him about b.day plans, even though I knew that he was doing something different and I obviously wasn't invited. This black bitch fixes his mouth to say, "Oh I'm doing brunch on Saturday morning, what are you doing?" 

I haven't talked to him since, no need - you've shown me your cards and clearly you have a royal flush.

But what I don't understand is why 60 days ex post facto, he's telling our college friends that I moved and I hadn't even told anyone that I moved. I can count on my two hands, the people that know my exact location. It presents a problem, because the relationships I've maintained since college are weird now, because this muthafucka needs a reaction from me, cause he fucked up - and cant keep his mouth shut. Stirring shit up because he didn't think that I would delete him from my facebook, cellphone and move on with my life and stay focused and do what I moved here to do. 

Kick rocks bitch and keep my name out of your mouth. No shade, no love lost - I just don't fuck with your tired ass.