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5.27.2010

F5

To be honest, the last few months of my life have been rough, but in a good way. A few months before  I moved from Los Angeles to the east coast on a whim, I admitted to myself that I severely lacked discipline, self-control and focus. Three things that one needs to have in order to be successful. And part of being successful is being able to stay out of your own way.  When I decided to move there was no planning, there was no thinking. I literally woke up one morning and the first thing that popped in my head was "it's time to go." I was tired of my own life. I didn't want to end up dead or in jail. It had got to that point.

The truth is, Los Angeles hadn't worked for me in a long time. You should never force something that's not working to work. Being a Los Angeles native, I've seen what the city does to people who come there to make their dreams come true. They always end up chewed up, swallowed and thrown right up on Santa Monica Blvd. And even though I knew the game, I never thought that it would happen to me.

I always thought that I was strong enough to get over it. I was and still am, my only problem is and will always be, I can't be fake. It's not in my makeup to go along, condone or comply with anything that isn't authentic, genuine and in the greater good for all. Los Angeles will never offer that. I refuse to be broken.

One thing is for sure God has a way of putting that ass in place. Because I'm prideful and too independent, I think I'm in control. I'm not. My control issues stem all the way back to when I was molested and my family being emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I never had a voice, I never had control and I've spent a great amount of time drawing attention to myself, instead of just being myself. Every day, I get better at being myself - and the longer I stay sober, the more I love myself.

A lot has taken place, specifically over the last three years that has allowed me to examine everything in my life and put it into perspective. My issues with food, my issues with drugs, my issues with relationships. It all points back to me and my control issues. More so my inability to effectively balance and deal with conflict while confronting things head on.

My last job in Los Angeles at Sony Music, my boss and I were having a conversation. It was involving a co-worker that I didn't care for. My way of dealing with my co-worker was to ignore her (in which I noticed that I have an issue with women) and not feed into her. My boss looked at me and said "You think you deal with conflict, but you really don't." Of course, I played the victim and tried to counteract what she was saying, but after thinking about it and coming to grips with her findings a year later, she was right.

It's all a process...and know that if you don't deal with someone or something, it will be a recurring theme in your life until you correct it, that's if and only if you see it.

I had to leave my environment to get myself in order. I had to put aside everything that came along with the L.A. lifestyle that I had become accustomed to, that wasn't at all healthy or conducive to the person that I know I'm suppose to be.

This has been the longest week in history. This is the longest time in about a year that I've been sober. I've had my spazz moments, but I had to realize the process. We have to yield to God in order to receive the things that he's promised us.

Have you ever just been quiet and still - all of a sudden you see yourself doing things you've always dreamed about. It's simply God's way of showing you whats ahead. Before I moved here, I envisioned myself here and I spoke it into existence and it happened. I literally had 50.00$ in my pocket when I moved...that was after I paid the airline for my two checked bags. My friend picked me up from the airport - and I couldn't believe that I had done it. But God doesn't lead you to a desolate place. I say all that to say that "God works for you, not against you."

I'm waiting on a few pending situations. I'm impatient and I want things to happen when I want them to happen, not realizing that I have to get out of my own way and not block what is supposed to be. Being high gets in the way of what you could have.

I can't go on a book tour high. I can't be an effective example high. I can't do shit right high, but have sex and eat...how productive is that?

I say all that to say, get out of your own way, yield and let God do what he's supposed to do...like my Twitter friend MixMasterCash said " #YouGottaLoveitwhen GOD says sit down, I got it from here."

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