Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

6.29.2010

Midnight Meltdown - The Warmup ft. Janet Jackson

...making a comeback...
Janet the ballads part two...
shot out to @TheMusicMuse for the hookup!!!

6.21.2010

And On...And On...

here it is...
the summer.
looking forward to living...
having fun...
creating memories that will outlast the world...
summer flings...
weekend getaways...
all the things that summer is made of...

drinks by the pool
pictures with friends
barbecues with the family
reminiscing…
but
putting away the old.
looking forward to the new...

breathing in fresh air that cleanses
and purifies my soul
at the core levels...

embracing the sun as my friend
instead of a distant familiar stranger

And the love'll go

On and on and on and on

6.20.2010

Truth.

One of the biggest hurdles I've had to clear in my life was my fathers death - and everything that came along with that.

I was six years old when he died in 1988.

I remember being in kindergarten at 36th Street elementary school in room K-12 and that particular year, right near the end of the school year we made these father's day cards. They were shaped like vests. We cut out felt to glue on the front of the cards, and mine was a teal color. I remember telling my teacher that my dad lived out of state and i couldn't give him the card. And when she said "You can mail it" in the most lovingly gentle way, I thought it was the best idea in the world. I remember being excited to ask my mom if i could mail it to him...and I did that.

I remember during the last conversation that he and I had, which I still vividly remember to this day, which happened to be the day he died, he told me that he had gotten it - and I could tell that he was happy about that. Looking back, i think he's the reason why I liked talking on the phone. That is how he and I maintained our relationship.

For years I have felt incomplete, because I hadn't know much about the person who was responsible for creating me. I only knew basic things, where he was born, who his family was and the name we shared.

I didn't know his favorite song, his favorite color, his favorite food, the things gave a little more detail into someones personality. I wanted to hear stories, I wanted to hear about the things he said or did...good or bad. But I've realized there was more bad than good.

Whenever I ask about him, people always get quiet and a bit put off, almost a bit annoyed - and probably without even realizing it. But I always get the question "What do you want to know about him?" And my mental response is, what the fuck do you think i want to know? He's my father, tell me everything so I can know him, since he's not here to tell me himself. I've always felt people were evading the topic. While I understand it's difficult to talk about someone who was dead, i feel like that's where they wanted him - dead. It was almost as if my father was a big secret, the secret that no one wanted to talk about. It's as if I was meddling when I questioned others about him.

To this day there has only been one person who I feel has been completely honest about my father, that wasn't on some surface "you would have liked him" type of crap I've been sold all these years. That is my uncle Herb. He was the first and only to tell me stories about my father, he's the only one that i feel has been honest in painting a picture on who my father really was. And I thank him for that.

I've carried around the baggage of now knowing who my father was for 22 years. Feeling incomplete because people were too selfish to tell me the truth. As an adult, I realized that telling the truth would reveal their irresponsibility and character flaws and the part they played in his life. It's amazing how far people will go to save face to make a grieving child think they are perfect and they can do no wrong.

I have a young sister - and I always think if her father or mother died, how would I handle it. What would I say? What would I do? I would make sure she knew the truth, whatever it was. I would be descriptive and vocal enough to tell her so she could feel like she had known them all of her life - not be left in the dark and treated like her parents were some big mystery.

My entire life I was left in the dark about a person who I should have know for exactly who he was - not some picture that wasn't even close to who he was. Or even pieces of who he was.

This particular issue has been the root of my depression most of my life. For the last 15 years, every summer commencing on June 19th exactly, I get depressed. I get suicidal and my life is out of orbit...ever wondered why I've always hated summer and stayed in the house and avoided people? There is your answer.

For the first time since I can remember, I can say that I'm not depressed and I'm not allowing this issue to keep festering in my body. I've come to some terms with something that has taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. Not knowing my father has definitely had a direct effect on my weight and my drug and alcohol dependency over the years.

Today is the day I put all of these issues to rest, something that my father never got a chance to do himself.

I broke the chain for him.

Happy fathers day.

6.15.2010

Thinking...

I think I'm over it.

Whatever has been stirring up these feelings of the past have got to be done, there is a reason why people don't make it to where you are today and I'd be foolish to keep going back trying to get some answer to a question that has clearly has been answered. I trust in God 100% and when the time is right to get in touch with people that I've lost contact with for whatever reason, I'll see them again, in it's right time.

I always think about my best-friend from high school, Sara. She and I fell out early in the decade...(lmao) and it was difficult, because she had always been there. High school is a crazy time and you're fortunate to come out with close friends. She and I didn't talk for a whole 7 years - but I knew in my heart that we would be good again. We talked last year for the first time and got back on the same page and I kicked it with her recently when I was in NYC.

I've learned that we all have to go through motions, experience things with people, overcome situations and LEARN! Some people are meant to be there, others aren't. But the ones that count, the ones that know you, the ones that have your best interest, will always return...

I truly believe when you have a connection with someone, nothing can ever break that, no matter what happens, you can go months or years without talking, but when the time is right, the connection ignites like it never went out.

As I was approving and denying Facebook add requests, I immediately got "over it", almost going hard on people who have clearly disrespected me on some level - and I'm sure if I request some people they are saying the same thing when they see my smiling mug in their inbox.

When I talk about things, you should never get the impression that my hands are all the way clean, because chances are they aren't, it takes two to tango. Luckily for me dancing comes natural, so do a lot of other things, which is why people end up not fucking with me, because I always win and I tell shit like it is, while putting myself on blast.

The bottom line is, I've decided to let nature take it's course. I don't want to rush things, apply pressure or wish things would happen...I'll just let them happen. It's all laid out in the plan anyway.

Sit back, pop a bag of popcorn and enjoy the show. Things seem to work out better that way.
And why the fuck is Twitter over capacity at 11 at night? I'm warming up for the studio...

6.14.2010

Horizonal Approach

While the topic of the "10 year mark" is fresh on my brain, another something from my past is nagging if not tugging at me, my 10 year High School reunion, July 17, 2010.  As much as i attempt not to live in the past, we kinda have to revisit it to make a mends, especially so we can break pattern and not continue to live out the tarnished past in the present. I think the day i graduated from high school I said, "I can't wait until the 10 year reunion." Well it's staring me in the face and so is this $400+ plane ticket I have to buy to fly across country to make my appearance.

I vividly remember being around my sisters age, 8 or so and my mother was going to her 10 year reunion. And since that day I've looked forward to the upcoming date, except there is one thing that I am really anxious about...of course it's some boy. But not just any boy, I actually liked him a lot. He was one of a few guys that I actually befriended in High School, which was big for me. I didn't have a lot of male friends - and the fact that I was gay almost guaranteed that I wouldn't have any male friends.

10 years ago, it was not okay to be gay in school. In my own short lifetime, I've seen being gay go from being unacceptable, to having Logo created...go figure. I definitely have jumped over and cleared a lot of hurtles pertaining to my sexuality as a black gay man...but it's far from over, especially with the D.L. topic still being at the forefront of the Black Gay identity.

I remember it like yesterday. It was the end of my Jr. Year in high school. I thought he was a very handsome guy and I knew that he hated me. I remember walking in the hallway and him just eyeing me. He would sometimes, just laugh at me when he saw me, I never knew what that meant. We didn't have any classes together, we didn't kick it with the same crowd - we had mutual associates, but nothing to link us in the same crowd.

One day I was either cutting class or something or another, I was in the Lab building and i saw him. LMAO. Out of nowhere, I just started chasing him, this was my way of getting back at him for laughing at me at staring me down without a cause. He, like most, underestimated me...just because I carry a little weight, people don't think I can run fast. LMAO....i picked up a trash can and threw it at him. LMAO. You'd had to have been there to see it, but that's the thing no one else was around to see it. LMFAO...We some how became friends after that day.

Anyway, he was a really cool guy. Like. I don't think that I've met anyone as cool as him ever in my whole life. And just remembering his cool factor pisses me off all over again, because I expected to be friends with him my entire life. :-/

When we first started hanging out that summer, I remember specifically  telling him, to not let a people know that we were friends. I didn't want anyone to know that we were hanging out because I didn't want people to think that he was gay. I was very protective of our friendship, because again, for a a gay guy to have a straight friend was uncommon then just as it's slightly uncommon now.

I don't know how it happened, but we ended up going to CPK one night with mutual friends. The questions began: Is he gay? Why is he hanging out with you? Do you like him? Have you been to his house? BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyway, needless to say the street comittee started talking.

Anyway - we both went to different schools our senior year of high school. But we kept in touch and hung out, still. But things soon changed...for the worse.

My last night in L.A. before attending Southern, I had a going away dinner at Acapulco. It was fun, one of the best dinner parties I've had ever! I dropped him off at home that night and I thanked him for being a friend - and told him that he'd better keep in touch with me. Even though he did, like most of my friends, he was a bit weird that I moved out of Cali.

A year later, I left Southern and I had called him a few times, with no return phone call. So of course when I got back to L.A. I put the word out that I was back. Apart of my plan, I went to enroll at a local school so I could stay on track and as I was making my rounds on campus, GUESS WHO I RUN INTO?? Right...

I was happy to see him, but he looked at me with this rage in his eye.

"You know, it's taking everything within me not to sock the fuck outta you right now."
"What did I do?"
"You told ---------- we had sex."

I had to stop for a second and process the information. The same people that we had went to CPK with a year earlier, went around telling people something that never happened. My worst fear had come true and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

My first reaction of course was to talk it out, to maybe make some since of everything and come to a solution, but as he went on in detail telling me how i had ruined his life, there was something more going on here. Not only did this person cost him his girlfriend, but it also cost him his job as a musician, with a very popular gospel act. SHADY right...

I was devastated - and I was livid. I got on the phone with my friend to tell her what happened, but she had already "heard" the rumor but never told me about it, :-/

To this day, this is one of the things from my past that bothers me the most, primarily because it's still an open file on my desk. I've had closure on pretty much everything else, except for this. But with the 10 year reunion coming...so many emotions are going on. Will he be there? What will happen if he shows up? Will I be able to talk to him? Will we be civil? What should I do? Should I say something if i see him?

Over the years we've kinda asked about each other through other people. About 5 years ago, he asked about me to my best-friend, she told him that I wrote books...he asked "about what?" lol...a glimmer of hope maybe? I'm almost going to this reunion just to see him, just to bury this ax and to make amends with my past...so my future can open up a little bit more.

I miss him as a friend. And I've always felt bad for what happened to him ex post facto. That had to be a lot for him to deal with and i know it definitely took a toll on his trust issues and it probably made him not interact with any other gay people afterward.

All in all, I want to catch him off guard, walk up to him and say "Remember when I threw that trash can at you?"

In my mind, that's all I'll need to say to break the ice and get my friend back.

6.08.2010

Movement

There is something about taking a deep-cleansing shit that is cathartic. I know. Because I just had one. Not very many people know that I've been an active litigant for the last 3 years. Family mess. That I can almost talk about. THREE years of my life have been tied up and I had my breaking point in court today.


This was not the first time that the bailiff had asked me to be quiet. But today was the first time today he had to give me that nigga you betta quit trippin look. I was definitely turned on. 


Let me explain to you what type of drama queen I am. Mess...What did I wear to court? A designer hoodie, a pair of loose jeans, a military crop hat and of course the stunner shades. Who did I think I was? Why did I take the back entrance, for the shorter line? Why do I even know that...? Anyway. So - Because I can't go into specifics - just know it got messy.


I just put a few choice people on blast - and of course I asked the court "What straight man do you know that sucks dicks and downloads heterosexual porn?" "Clearly I'm A HOMOSEXUAL" I shouted and of course at that point I pulled off my sunglasses - since I already had to remove my hat. Anyway. I gave them their performance, exited the building and got in the tour door coupe. Hiding behind the tint.


When I pulled back into the driveway of my mothers house, I got out of the car without saying much to my uncle.


It's funny. The more you know, the more things stay the same, but change. Being back at home is interesting. Especially with my uncle being here too. I haven't since that living consistency since the mid 90's. It was weird because I already knew the outcome of the situations - the only thing was I had to assert myself, because if I didn't I would still be that same kid, that wanted to say something so bad, but didn't. I see that same face of wanting to say something when I look at my sister.


But I did assert myself today.


Today was the day that I told my mother, my biggest critic how I felt. My major gripe was explaining to her the treatment I get from not only her, but my sisters father, who happens to be the other litigant in the case. I raise their daughter, mind you I want nothing to do with kids, primarily because I've lived most of my 20's as I  child, I'm ready to be a real adult. But raising children is not in my immediate time table. 


"I get myself ready, I get her ready, make her lunch, do her homework, make her breakfast, take her to school and try to make it to work on time, write books, run a catering company..." She has two parents. Something was waaaaay off about this picture. Her father had the gall to call my mother and say I'm not coming the rest of the week, because "I know Tarrance is there." WHAT? Niggas have some nerve. People are so use to me being there...times changed.


I say all that to say...I am Derren DeVoe. Welcome to "Pop Life."

6.07.2010

10 Years

This morning she tweeted "Ten years from now you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did do."

Which made me do a little math. Ten years ago, I was 18. Insecure, confused, but knew for sure that I liked dick. I was in college, in the bible belt. Southern University, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Some of the best days of my life. 


I remember making eye contact with him. Intense. Piercing - I really didn't know what it meant, then, like I do now. But typing this is definitely making me realize my pattern. Just as I know now, I know that look made me feel then. He was short. Slim, with a plump booty, dark skin and hood. He was a straight boy from New Orleans, with a low cut and only a dialect that a boy from New Orleans would posses. And his name was sexy.


He was in my freshman seminar class, always late, always absent, but when he was there, he was always looking and or talking to me. Hmmph.


I remember one day I saw him in the lobby of my dorm.


"Hey, what happened in class? We got any homework." He asked me.
"Yeah, we have some assignments, I don't remember it, let me get it out for you."
"I'll get it from you later. What room you in?" He asked me in a rush.
"212 D"


I didn't think anything of it. He was just a classmate asking me for homework. Besides, cute boys can get away with anything. #fact

I went up to my room, did my work - and got online...this is when DSL was non existent. The only way to get online was to dial up AOL and wait for your fax machine noise to connect to theirs.  And you'd be pissed if someone called...you'd be knocked offline.


A couple of days had past, when I was in my room listening to music. There was a knock at the door. It was only one of a few people. I opened the door. And it was him. Looking at me dead in the eye. I let him in. We talked. He looked around and admired my dorm room.


He made himself comfortable on my bed. This was before I adopted that rule of people not sitting on my bed.


We talked...and we kinda got to know  each other. The first time in my life I had met another person with the same birthday as me. He was cool. We actually ended up having a lot in common, which was cool. He was lowkey my first homeboy at Southern. But that would soon come to an end.


I gave him the homework that he needed after we talked and that was it. Nothing major right? Before he left, he asked me for my extension number, which was my number. You only had to dial the suffix of any phone number on campus.


The next night after coming in from Mayberry my phone started to ring. We hadn't yet got caller I.D. on campus, but back then, there was no need for such a thing. These are the days before texting, im's and before we became reliant on E-mail.


"Hello"
"Sup wodie?"
"Hahaha! Whats up?" I asked
"Can I come through?" He asked me.
"Yeah."
"Aiight."


As I eagerly awaited for him to come up to the suite, it took him a minute. I started doing something else and an hour had passed.


When I looked at the clock it was 11 o'clock. I opened the door and we looked at each other. I was like an angry girlfriend who waited on her boyfriend for a date, that he canceled. But there wasn't any tension. I let him in...he sat on my bed and I went to the chair on the other side of the room.


We talked. We talked some more. And then out of no where.


"If I told you I was gay what would happen in this  room right now?" He asked me.
"Nothing." I quickly replied, not believing he had just said that.


I didn't know what to think, what to say or if he was being serious. For the first time in my life, I had rejected someone, without even trying, because of my own discomfort and insecurity with self.


I often wonder what happened to him. What he's doing? How he is? How is his family? He was from New Orleans and since that time, so much has changed. I want to find him one day, just to apologize for what happened in the room that night. I wasn't trying to offend or hurt him - I was unsure. He had trusted me with information that I didn't know what to do with. How could I be so dumb?


I hope and pray that he's some where, doing well.  Happy and evolving...I want to see him again. If we could just get it back....


10 years later, I'm infatuated with a person in which I think is gay. But as it plays out, the more and more he implies that  he's straight. We'll talk about that later....

6.03.2010

1,000

So, this is my 1,000th blog post. 

I was prepared to talk about how I literally, like 20 minutes ago, passed up this fine as dude on the subway today...but then when I noticed that I had 999 posts, I was like hmm...

A few months ago, I noticed that I was approaching the 1,000 post mark. And I said to myself, "I'm going to end my blog after I hit 1,000 posts."  The truth is, I'm just opening a new chapter on my life - and the legacy of this blog is priceless. I just can't walk away from this space right now. It's too sacred to me. I've ignored this platform long enough.

I was speaking with Gary T.P. the other day - and we were talking about progression. We both have been blogging since before video killed the literary stars...I remember when black gay blogging was the thing. It was fun. It was drama and we were living our lives, while teaching each others lessons at the same time. And looking back, I don't think I would have done anything differently. I'm very proud of the person that I am today and I am very grateful for all of my experiences, even though some things were difficult to endure while I was in the process.

It's funny how if you had a popular blog, 5 years ago, you were famous. Weird right? I remember the first time I was out at The Abbey and someone walked up to me and whispered in my ear, "I read your blog - and I like it." It was interesting, it was an ego boost, but it was definitely a preparation for what was to come...being in Walmart in the middle of Texas and someone walking up to me saying, "I love your books." Go figure.

It is an amazing blessing to be able to share. Period.

I thank you all very much for reading, supporting and being "In The Mix" all these years...I'm only getting started.

So anyway...I was on the train going home today. I was walking up to the train platform and I saw this cute ass dude and I was on the phone talking to my girl from L.A. telling her to get out of the ridiculous cycle that L.A. can get you caught up in. If anyone knows about cycles, it's me...right? So anyway, I tell her, "damn he's fine" as soon as I said it, why did he turn around? AND DID A DOUBLE TAKE! -DEAD- Mind you, this guy that I've been talking to told me that I was "attractive." Do you know that, that is the first time in life I've ever heard that from someone I had been intimate with? If you're in a relationship, dating or whatever, tell your mate they're attractive...just because you're sleeping with them or dating them, doesn't mean that they automatically know that.

So, a double take. So I'm like....did that just happen? Of course it did. So i board the train, not even paying attention to where he was sitting - then I sit down and BAM! I'm making eye contact with him...I mean intense...it was a stare down match for the high heavens. Had the girl who was also flirting with me, along with the other local homosexual sitting behind me not been on me, I would have finally grown some balls and handed him my card, which would have been smooth. I took the card out and had it in my hand...I thought he would have been getting off further down the line. Oddly enough he got off where all of the hoodhandsome dudes get off. I'm gonna channel his ass something heavy to see him tomorrow when I get off. I have to take him out for a drink....wait, why did i just turn around and my brother is doing P90X...whatever (lipo it's the way to go...it's the L.A. in me) I need to get more balls. After several interventions from other homosexuals, they have official told me how to spot when I'm being spotted. I have no excuse this time.

Give me some credit, I've spent most of my life insecure. Buying into that belief that people didn't like me because i was fat. I spent years thinking i was unattractive - and because as a child I was never told that...I had to start buying into my own ideas and subscribing to my own issues, if I was gonna get anywhere...you live and you learn, no need for beating myself up over it. If it's meant for me to see him again, then I will. I do have a theory. Everyone that you meet or make eye contact with in your lifetime, you'll see them again before you die.

For the most part, I'm finally getting acclimated to the city and I'm loving it. I'm blessed. I'm highly favored and I thank God for letting me see a new day...you have no idea, some of the stories I haven't told will most certainly split your wig back.

I'm excited! I finally got my groove back and I'm more hype than ever about my new book "Pop Life." I'll do something I've never done before...if you want to read some of it, email me: inthemixwithtrent@gmail.com don't be leaking my shit either...lol "Keep in mind that imma artist...and I'm sensitive about my shit."

I love you all very much! Stay in the light - do something that you've always wanted to do...the last thing you wanna do is be mad at yourself for not doing something! Take it from a nigga that wish he was on the phone cupcaking or sexting right now... :-/ My new relationship is coming....I feel it in my loins.

Next time I post, I think I'll be in my old room back in L.A. there is always something magical about going back to the place that inspired so much.

Be blessed!