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10 Years

This morning she tweeted "Ten years from now you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did do."

Which made me do a little math. Ten years ago, I was 18. Insecure, confused, but knew for sure that I liked dick. I was in college, in the bible belt. Southern University, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Some of the best days of my life. 

I remember making eye contact with him. Intense. Piercing - I really didn't know what it meant, then, like I do now. But typing this is definitely making me realize my pattern. Just as I know now, I know that look made me feel then. He was short. Slim, with a plump booty, dark skin and hood. He was a straight boy from New Orleans, with a low cut and only a dialect that a boy from New Orleans would posses. And his name was sexy.

He was in my freshman seminar class, always late, always absent, but when he was there, he was always looking and or talking to me. Hmmph.

I remember one day I saw him in the lobby of my dorm.

"Hey, what happened in class? We got any homework." He asked me.
"Yeah, we have some assignments, I don't remember it, let me get it out for you."
"I'll get it from you later. What room you in?" He asked me in a rush.
"212 D"

I didn't think anything of it. He was just a classmate asking me for homework. Besides, cute boys can get away with anything. #fact

I went up to my room, did my work - and got online...this is when DSL was non existent. The only way to get online was to dial up AOL and wait for your fax machine noise to connect to theirs.  And you'd be pissed if someone'd be knocked offline.

A couple of days had past, when I was in my room listening to music. There was a knock at the door. It was only one of a few people. I opened the door. And it was him. Looking at me dead in the eye. I let him in. We talked. He looked around and admired my dorm room.

He made himself comfortable on my bed. This was before I adopted that rule of people not sitting on my bed.

We talked...and we kinda got to know  each other. The first time in my life I had met another person with the same birthday as me. He was cool. We actually ended up having a lot in common, which was cool. He was lowkey my first homeboy at Southern. But that would soon come to an end.

I gave him the homework that he needed after we talked and that was it. Nothing major right? Before he left, he asked me for my extension number, which was my number. You only had to dial the suffix of any phone number on campus.

The next night after coming in from Mayberry my phone started to ring. We hadn't yet got caller I.D. on campus, but back then, there was no need for such a thing. These are the days before texting, im's and before we became reliant on E-mail.

"Sup wodie?"
"Hahaha! Whats up?" I asked
"Can I come through?" He asked me.

As I eagerly awaited for him to come up to the suite, it took him a minute. I started doing something else and an hour had passed.

When I looked at the clock it was 11 o'clock. I opened the door and we looked at each other. I was like an angry girlfriend who waited on her boyfriend for a date, that he canceled. But there wasn't any tension. I let him in...he sat on my bed and I went to the chair on the other side of the room.

We talked. We talked some more. And then out of no where.

"If I told you I was gay what would happen in this  room right now?" He asked me.
"Nothing." I quickly replied, not believing he had just said that.

I didn't know what to think, what to say or if he was being serious. For the first time in my life, I had rejected someone, without even trying, because of my own discomfort and insecurity with self.

I often wonder what happened to him. What he's doing? How he is? How is his family? He was from New Orleans and since that time, so much has changed. I want to find him one day, just to apologize for what happened in the room that night. I wasn't trying to offend or hurt him - I was unsure. He had trusted me with information that I didn't know what to do with. How could I be so dumb?

I hope and pray that he's some where, doing well.  Happy and evolving...I want to see him again. If we could just get it back....

10 years later, I'm infatuated with a person in which I think is gay. But as it plays out, the more and more he implies that  he's straight. We'll talk about that later....

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