As @MsTerryMcMillan said “Adversity introduces you to yourself”. I can’t agree more. I’ve spent the last three years being re-introduced to myself, because I forgot along the way, more specifically, becoming “Trent Jackson”. For a very long while I used the past as a hitching post instead of a guide post.
I’m extremely tired of repetition, especially repetitive cycles. So I’m not about to sit up and try some shit that’s already proven not to work. We’re over the age of 5, our personalities are formed and we’re not (especially me) changing. Compromising isn't change. This is one of the very many reasons why I moved from Los Angeles to the east coast. Not to run or escape but to hear myself and my own voice.
People know when they are a hindrance. They will never admit it. But you can always tell by the things they say to you and the way they treat you, even when they are using friendliness and kind gestures as a guise to reel you in. Unfortunately, hinderer’s will always be that, for whatever reason. I’ve realized that they wish they could do something different (like win and congratulate) but they just don’t want to. They are complacent and “happy” with where they are. And a hinderer will always stew in their own rue.
I went to bed early last night, only because I was running on three hours of sleep yesterday. It was because I chose to respond to Midnight’s request of hooking up. “Midnight” my regular jump-off (I know I’ve been sex crazed lately) hit me on Sunday night right after a straight, platonic, associate put out a “feeler” if you will. I’m not sex crazed by any means; in fact in the conclusion of “If Your Girl Only Knew,” we’ll explore my real feelings on sex.
I wasn’t going to respond to Midnight’s request only because we had a two hour session in the east coast heat, Friday night when I arrived back to my house from my after-work romp with Tanya. I spent Saturday morning recouping, sleep and taking a train ride. So by the time Sunday came around I was beyond tired. Not only that. I’m getting tired of fucking him. It’s getting played out. Don’t get me wrong it’s cool, but. I’m ready to date.
Needless to say my straight, platonic, associate, who we’ll call Martyr, was just as intoxicated as that fool in Waiting to Exhale that needed a shave and wore leather in the summertime. Don’t act like you don’t know.
So I was preparing my lunch for Monday when he started to ramble really about nothing. We talked about a mutual friend, who is involved in a silly relationship, there is nothing fueling the relationship but addiction, sex and drama. I’ve learned to hold my tongue on expressing my opinion because we’ve all been there. You have to go through those insecure relationships to learn who you are as a person and what you’re deserving of. Hopefully people will get it before bitterness sets in. Bitterness is irreversible. I’m not the feds so I’m not providing out anymore bailout plans to the undeserving, especially those that continue to engage in mentally harmful relationships.
So as I’m continuing my Monday lunch duties, he turns the tables on me.
“You know T.J. you’re always quiet. I’ve been trying to figure you out for six months and I can’t put a finger on you. I know nothing about you. I don’t know your motives or agenda.”
“I’m 30 years old Martyr. There is no agenda or motive. But if I do have one, it’s focusing on my job and it’s putting my work out. Anything else is irrelevant. But if you mean you don’t know what firm I work for, I understand why you don’t.” I smiled looking him dead in his eye.
“Yes! That is it. I don’t know much about you. You don’t give up any information. I mean I know you work for the Government. But you don’t say shit about anything. I never know what you’re thinking.”
“You’re not supposed to know. You’re only doing it because you’re nosy. But if you want to know something, you just ask it. And I’ll answer it.” I added.
He glared at me for a minute. His wheels were turning. I guess he wasn’t expecting me to be so vague and cut throat at the same time.
I’m not one for small talk. I’m also not one just to sit up and have idle conversation about pointless topics. I have an utter disdain for jargon. I’ve also gotten use to people being fascinated by me. Not to blow my own horn, but I understand that I arouse people’s curiosity on more than one level.
“When’s the last time you gave oral sex to a man?” He asked me.
“Friday.” I replied looking him in the eye, somewhat caught off guard.
“Are you attracted to me?” He asked me drunk.
“No. But you’re not ugly either.” I quickly replied, carrying on about my cooking business.
Then I thought, “Wait. Did this nigga just make a pass at me?” I guess. I thought nothing of it. He just asked me to suck his dick. Someone must have told him I have that good… lmao, whatever. I guess. Boys. It’s something I’ve grown used to.
Trust me when I tell you, while most guys, especially black ones, won’t admit to being bi, curious or sexual let alone gay. If they trust you enough and there is liquor involved (to blame it on, if they ever get found out) there is nothing they won’t do for the experience.
Midnight must have felt someone honing in on his turf, cause he was blowing up my phone within minutes of Martyr’s line of questioning. Not that I wouldn't have led Martyr’s dick into the warmth of my mouth, that only would have set me up to continue being the sideline hoe. I’m kinda tired of being him. But Martyr is also a boy. He’s also persistent, which means he’ll ask again.
Speaking of not getting a read on me, I’ve learned how to shut the fuck up…finally. And it doesn’t necessarily work for or against you. But it is an automatic buffer to reduce the bullshit and get to the bottom line. In my mind and opinion, there is no need to sit up and paint a picture when the only concern is, is it an authentic Picasso. The only time I paint a picture is when I’m telling you a story. In real life, be real and upfront about what you want.
Martyr is probably afraid of rejection, like most of us are. And while I didn’t reject him, if he spent six months studying me like he stated so himself, he should have known to approach me. It's not really that hard to figure me out.
I'll just say this. It’s better to stay ahead of the game. While you’re on your journey today use the past as a reference of what to do, but more importantly what not to do, it's the only catalyst that lives within us that will produce change. Once you do this, you're one step closer to getting what you deserve and want. In my case, a boyfriend in which we go out to eat, get wasted, hangout, talk shit, hold hands, kiss and the occasional camping trip in which we engage in homoerotic activity a la Brokeback mountain in a tent.