Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

9.25.2010

Admission Of Guilt

So now that I'm over my drunk Twitter rant, I guess I can resume my life as normal. 


Last night was very much needed. I think that it's healthy to express your raw emotions and feel them. Know where they come from and actively change your situation for the better. So many people lead bitter, nasty, unfulfilling lives because they never get in touch with their honest, true, raw emotions. 

I'm a thinker. That's what I do. I go back and forth 1,000 times about all different outcomes before I actually move. I remember my ex told me once, "You think too much." My response to him, "You don't think at all." I'll give it to him, I do think too much, about the wrong things at times, but if I don't do it, no one else will - and I can back up my logic just by looking at the results of decisions I could have or didn't make. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Trust and believe me, I'm tired of being sorry and I'm damn sure tired of saying, "I shoulda listened to my first mind."

This has been a rough couple of weeks. If it weren't for the magic of Rahsaan Patterson playing in the background, it would have been a lot rougher. I hate to admit this, but I've allowed life to harden me. I never thought that this would happen, but it has. But not to the point of bitterness. There is still a small ounce of hope left in my heart. I guess that counts right?

I've been having a lot of anxiety issues lately. Between trying to find a place to live, moving and trying to get this "Pop Life" stuff done - I've been out of sync. Not only that, but a few issues that I'm just now accepting (that I've kept tucked away for a very long time) along with my revolving family drama is irritating me to the point of haywire bowels :-|.

I finally found a new place to live. D.C. has been good to me thus far and I actually love it here. There is no place like it, this is my new home and it's totally provided me the solace, serenity and peace I've needed to get myself back together. The city alone has hands down provided me some much needed "me" time, without all of the hoopla. It's allowing things to become more clear. The more clear things become, the better I get, but there is still a lot of fear. Fear of the unknown.

I was telling my manager last night, that I've been unhappy for such a long time, not only is it embedded, it's expected, so when something good happens, I accept it, but I also find some way to turn it into a negative, I noticed that this week. Earlier this year, my manager and I were having a conversation about me being afraid of success. She had a point. Though, it didn't dawn on me until yesterday, that maybe I am afraid of it.

Unfortunately, our entire being is based on our interaction with our family. And because I'm striving to do something different from them, I'm treated like the problem because I'm deviating from the standard. No one in my family has been successful at much of anything. So growing up, when you did do something successful, it wasn't celebrated, in fact it was actually looked down upon. I can remember getting awards or doing something great that I was rewarded for by peers, teachers and friends, but when it came to family it was looked down upon, thus making me afraid to do anything "special" or different because it was something I wasn't supposed to be doing. I've even been told, "Do you think you're going to be more than me?"

Growing up, I received many conflicting messages. "Go to school," "Follow your dreams," etc. But when I went after that, I was shunned and treated like shit.

In my life right now, things are going well - and I love it. But again, because I'm used to drama and misfortune, this new turn of events is foreign to me. I had to shut it down and check myself not to go back to my old way of doing things, because I already know they don't and won't work, especially since I already know the outcome.

In a little over a month, I'll have to face the three biggest critics in my life, my Mother, her sister and brother at my favorite Aunt's 60th birthday party. It's something that not only has to be done, but something I really don't want to do, because I know me. Once my mind is made up about something, I don't change it. I know how I feel, I know how they've negatively impacted my life and I know what I'm going to say to them and it's not going to come out nothing less than harsh. No matter what they say to justify their actions and behaviors towards me, it will not change the way that I feel, simply because it's repetitive behavior that I just can not forget or excuse. I don't know if I have the capacity to forgive them, especially because they've done things on more than one occasion. I'd rather not think about them and the mental anguish they've put me through. They've definitely have impacted my self-esteem and my ability to participate in healthy relationships.

I know that I'll have to do this in order for me to grow. I've let them take up space in my mind and affect me in ways that I never thought they would. And it's more painful than I've imagined. But thinking about my family situation, further confirms why I am the way that I am in intimate relationships, what I deal with, tolerate and accept as the norm. Also it's sheds light as to why I'm defiant and why I have issues with authority figures. Most of the authority figures in my life have failed me one way or another.

Things are slowly progressing with "Pop Life." I won't complain about that and because of a couple of things that happened over the last couple of weeks, I'll let it rest, just to see what happens. I'm trying to learn not to completely throw away a plan or an idea just because it doesn't work the way that I want it to. Again, I'll leave it at that.

I know things will turn around, just as they always do. But the lesson in the process of getting to the point of success is annoying, draining and tiring. We'll talk again soon.

Much love.
-t

9.21.2010

Funny How The Tables Turn...

I would have never of thought that I'd be living this dream too. All I'll say is never give up on dreams. pretty soon you'll be living them...I've always wanted my "traditional" college experience back. Suddenly, I find myself in the mist of it...

wow.

:-)
there are some things fame can't buy.
for everything else there is a catalyst for change.

9.20.2010

The Glamorous Life

Sometimes you can't say anything. Because you're processing. You're trying to make sense of things yourself. Especially when everything is good and it's in your favor.I just want to kinda put on some Rahsaan Patterson, some Brandy, some Lalah Hathaway, a dash of Janet. Some Mint Condition...and just enjoy myself for a minute and appreciate the rich opulence of life: great friends, genuine friends, sincere friends are all around. When money is all around. When you're able to bless others. When  you're able connect with someone with the eyes.

I've missed that about life. I forgot how to do it. But when you do it, it give others a spark of hope. I see it happen all the time. I'm enjoying that. I love it. And I'm not at all sorry about taking this moment to reconnect with other people. Human nature and love is what we're missing. I'm enjoying this...The calm before the storm.

9.11.2010

Raw Emotion.

9.10.2010

Vent Session 2.8

Just as I was beginning to celebrate my victory of conquering my recurring summer depression (I had a feeling it was too soon to do so), I see all of the familiar things that set me off, lining up to take shots at me. That just lets me know one thing, I haven't dealt and conquered everything like I thought that I have. Finding balance has always been an issue for me. I'm trying hard not to get closer than I am to the edge. I can't believe that with all of the changes I've been implementing over the past 6 months, I'm at same exact spot that I was in 3 years ago. It seems like I can't catch a break. But I have a feeling that will change...for the better and soon.

I am not religious. I don't get caught up in all of the bible, "creepy Christian" hoopla. I have a tendency to get angry and not pray simply because it's hard to pray when you're pissed. That's when the human side of us takes over. Honestly, the only time we want to talk or know God is when we want something or when we're going through some shit and that's really not the way to do it.

Today I was on the verge of having a core meltdown. The kind that Janet Jackson went through when she was recording The Velvet Rope. The kind of meltdown that I've had before; staying in the house 4 months,  quitting my job, not showering, barely coming out of my room, crying, eating myself into 330 pounds, not interacting with anyone and looking a raggedy fucking mess. It was a difficult day. There was some shit that went down at work, that I would usually ignore but so many things have been consuming my mind lately, it made me snap a little and I immediately reverted back to my old way of doing things, being reactive.

I sat my desk today and almost broke down. I just (Monday) removed myself from a personal situation that was doing more harm than good and although I feel good about my decision, it seems as if people involved were offended and clueless about why I did what I did. I'm tired of people not accepting responsibility for the shit they do and get mad at me when I respond in a manner in which involves me standing up for and protecting myself.

I thought about how tired I am of being the one that everyone consults when they need advice or tips on how to do something better. You have no idea how tired I am of seeing people soar personally and professionally after my advisement. They run like the wind and act as if they got to where they got on their own. Don't think that I'm a hater either - because if I was, I wouldn't give them solid, beneficial advice. But I do know this, I'm not saying shit else to anyone about shit they're trying to do. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am and I can count on one hand the muthafuckas that have TRULY assisted me. I'm done being nice and helpful - it gets you fuckin' nowhere. I bet when I implement my selfish attitude, people are going to spazz. Ask me how I feel when I'm really in need? I have to damn near pass out and show blood to get assistance.

I'm tired of my family treating me like I'm 12 or some shit and then when I ignore or get short with them, they want to throw a guilt trip. Then when I explain my positioning on the issue, they want to cry and act stupid like I'm the one that started it. No, I just responded. I'm tired of being understanding. I don't give a fuck anymore.

I'm sick and fuckin' tired of these muthafuckin faggots, tearing each other down every waking moment, walking around like they are better, more worthy, more deserving of the next person while buying into and perpetuating these grossly negative and inaccurate stereotypes under the guise of love and compassion, when they are miserable and have no sense of community, no sense of self-worth, no respect and a lack of empathy when it comes to their counterparts. You'd be surprised how hard I've tried to be all inclusive like these fabulous vacation destinations in the islands only to be laughed at and rejected, but as soon as I turn around these fake ass bitches are jacking my ideas verbatim passing it off as their own and almost daring me to put them on blast. Well, my new book "Pop Life" calls their bluff. :-)

I'm no longer interested in participating in the act of extending myself to ungrateful, bitch ass people.

I see so much talent everyday it inspires me. I will never forget the 21 year old kid I was when I wrote and published my first book "At This Moment." I had no clue as to what I was embarking on. I had no support system at all. My blog was my outlet and the people that read my blog became my support system and I will forever be grateful for that. I always told myself that whenever I saw someone going against the odds and daring to be authentically different, I would give them the push that I never got, because I know what it feels like to carry the weight of the world on weak shoulders when no one reaches out to help. I'm done doing that. I'm extended out.

Creatively, I'm even more pissed. The publishing process has been challenging as it always is. It's been a 3 year process that is finally on the wind down. I thought to myself Am I difficult to work with or work for?

I still haven't decided if I'm going to scrap my cover concept for "Pop Life". I'm using models for the cover. Dealing with different personalities is difficult enough, but I thought I was making it work. When I first came up with the concept, I wanted to give a few black men the opportunity to live out their dream of modeling. A lot of us don't have the opportunity to live out our dreams, so we have to create them. Honestly, most of us don't have the drive and the will to do it and if we do, we face so many obstacles, we break in the process. I was so excited about the fact that I was creating this opportunity and thought that people would jump on it. Hmph...there I go being nice and naive again.  In retrospect, there were so many things that held up the production process the guys probably got frustrated and tired of waiting on everything to clear, that's understandable, but at the same time, I'm not begging anyone to be on the cover of my book, especially when I'm coming out of my pocket to pay someone. 

Most people don't understand (and never will unless they actually go through the process) the red tape involved in the creative production process. So I have to explain that constantly. At the same time it's important for me to have a connection with people. Especially the ones that I work with creatively. Most people don't understand that rapport and chemistry is extremely important. If you want anything you do creatively to go right, these two things are a necessity. I take my work seriously and I want the people that are working with me to make the dream happen to understand what they are apart of. Do you know that out of the guys that were selected, only one of them gave me feedback on the book? I feel that's problematic. You can not convey  a character if you know nothing about them. Needless to say, my heart is only invested in one of the guys that I've selected and. I am seriously on the verge of replacing the other four. Especially after my meeting with a couple of them last week. Don't be nonchalant and have fucked up work ethic. I'm good on that shit. I need people who are serious about what the fuck they do to be around me. I'm so ready to operate in a no bullshit zone. 


In all honesty, I'm tired of fuckin' with silly ass muthafuckin people who lack. Lack respect, lack motivation, lack ambition, lack the zest for life, lack the desire to want to be and do better, lack genuinely helping others. I'm good. And I will be good.

It's a tragedy that I have to remove myself and alter my being not only to survive, but to get the respect that I rightfully deserve. I'm not interested in bowing out. I'm interested in conquering and winning, getting the best out of life and being successful. Either you're for me or against me. There is no gray area.

We are in a season of change. Only those who operate out of genuine authenticity are getting ready to reap the benefits and the opulent fruit of life. That fake shit is coming to an end like Jheri-Curls and knock-off Luis Bags.

Thank you for allowing me to take a shit in your toilet today. I'll promptly flush.

9.09.2010

The Best

I have heard you say you're gonna change. But I'm afraid that it's too late....I've given you the best of me, the best it's true. But I can't get the best from you, so I guess goodbye is the best that I can do.
I've come to accept the fact that my loneliness is a little more serious than it is. The fact is, I've never felt like I fit in with people, even my family. I'm starting to realize that I have some serious abandonment issues. I know where they stem from...Even though I have good friends and I know people love me, I have a hard time handling that people don't reciprocate.

I find myself sometimes feeling empty or disappointed in relationships, friendships and at times, simple social interactions. I think that because I long for that feeling of acceptance that I never really got growing up (on top of everything else that happened in my childhood) plus the fact that I haven't always used discretion when selecting people to be around, always leaves me feeling null and void. As much as I try to relinquish and counteract these feelings by becoming the person I wish I encountered more often, I feel even more isolated. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied...

I'm not the best person in the world, but my good qualities definitely outweigh my bad ones and quite frankly I'm fuckin' tired of people taking me for granted. I invest a lot of time in my friendships, I take them very seriously - but people always want to see the crucial, imperative role I play in their lives after I've been drained and I decide that it's time for me to remove myself from a situation before I reach my breaking point.

I wonder why it's so hard for people to consider other people's feelings? I wonder why it's so hard for some people to pick up the phone to genuinely say hi, I was thinking about you! What's with people wanting to take, but never have anything to give? What if I stopped caring the way that I do? Then I'd be a horrible person...I'll take that. I guess no one cares, the way I do. I feel like I'm stranded on a desert island...All it means that I'll have to unfortunately stay behind the gates to protect myself. As much as I don't want to accept it as a fact, it's the truth. The sad truth. The honest truth...


9.07.2010

Exhale

I have survived the summer, something that hasn't happened in a long while. I'll be the first person to tell you that when you're tired of being tired, you put an end to all that is counterproductive in your life and you make the changes necessary for your happiness.I can honestly say that I'm done with the worst period of my life. The last three years have been traumatic. You have no idea how many times how close I've come...

I've learned a lot. Everything in my value system was tested. I lost almost every "friend" that I had. I've grappled with addiction. I've dealt with my childhood pain. I've healed from most of the things that have happened to me. I am looking forward to attaining the best out of life. I've worked hard to be where I'm at and I'm looking at unlimited success right in the face.

This past weekend I visited L.A., something that I really don't like doing, simply because I love living my own life and so many negative things happened in L.A., there really isn't a need to look back and dwell. I don't have a lot of positive or constructive to say about the things or people associated with L.A. But I must say that every time I visit, I always gain a valuable a lesson, in this case a few:

  • No matter how much you do right, some people will never be satisfied. They just don't know how. Be happy, continue to do you and don't come out of yourself unless you are defending yourself.
  • Maintain authenticity and stick to your guns. If you know you're right about something and someone is accusing you of wrong doing. Be quiet. Don't argue. The truth will be revealed sooner than later.
  • When you're second guessing a decision that you've made - you'll always get a visual confirmation. For months, I wondered if moving to the east coast was the right move, only because things didn't work out for me immediately. But being back in L.A. and looking at complacency dead in the face, let me know I had made the right choice. I've done more in the past 6 months that I have in the past 3 years...
  • Your real friends tell you the truth. I've always prided myself on being an excellent communicator. I have the trait for excellent communication! I was hanging out on Sunday when one of my friends said to me "You don't communicate properly." He was right. It took a couple of days to sink in, but after playing over different scenarios, I realized that I typically "shut down" or don't respond in certain situations.
This trip was probably the most low key, the next time I go out in a few weeks, it will be strictly for "Pop Life" business and to spend time with my authentic friends.

I'm grateful. I'm blessed. I'm looking forward to all things new...

New house, new car, new success...new love :-)

Victory and success are the only options.