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Admission Of Guilt

So now that I'm over my drunk Twitter rant, I guess I can resume my life as normal. 

Last night was very much needed. I think that it's healthy to express your raw emotions and feel them. Know where they come from and actively change your situation for the better. So many people lead bitter, nasty, unfulfilling lives because they never get in touch with their honest, true, raw emotions. 

I'm a thinker. That's what I do. I go back and forth 1,000 times about all different outcomes before I actually move. I remember my ex told me once, "You think too much." My response to him, "You don't think at all." I'll give it to him, I do think too much, about the wrong things at times, but if I don't do it, no one else will - and I can back up my logic just by looking at the results of decisions I could have or didn't make. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Trust and believe me, I'm tired of being sorry and I'm damn sure tired of saying, "I shoulda listened to my first mind."

This has been a rough couple of weeks. If it weren't for the magic of Rahsaan Patterson playing in the background, it would have been a lot rougher. I hate to admit this, but I've allowed life to harden me. I never thought that this would happen, but it has. But not to the point of bitterness. There is still a small ounce of hope left in my heart. I guess that counts right?

I've been having a lot of anxiety issues lately. Between trying to find a place to live, moving and trying to get this "Pop Life" stuff done - I've been out of sync. Not only that, but a few issues that I'm just now accepting (that I've kept tucked away for a very long time) along with my revolving family drama is irritating me to the point of haywire bowels :-|.

I finally found a new place to live. D.C. has been good to me thus far and I actually love it here. There is no place like it, this is my new home and it's totally provided me the solace, serenity and peace I've needed to get myself back together. The city alone has hands down provided me some much needed "me" time, without all of the hoopla. It's allowing things to become more clear. The more clear things become, the better I get, but there is still a lot of fear. Fear of the unknown.

I was telling my manager last night, that I've been unhappy for such a long time, not only is it embedded, it's expected, so when something good happens, I accept it, but I also find some way to turn it into a negative, I noticed that this week. Earlier this year, my manager and I were having a conversation about me being afraid of success. She had a point. Though, it didn't dawn on me until yesterday, that maybe I am afraid of it.

Unfortunately, our entire being is based on our interaction with our family. And because I'm striving to do something different from them, I'm treated like the problem because I'm deviating from the standard. No one in my family has been successful at much of anything. So growing up, when you did do something successful, it wasn't celebrated, in fact it was actually looked down upon. I can remember getting awards or doing something great that I was rewarded for by peers, teachers and friends, but when it came to family it was looked down upon, thus making me afraid to do anything "special" or different because it was something I wasn't supposed to be doing. I've even been told, "Do you think you're going to be more than me?"

Growing up, I received many conflicting messages. "Go to school," "Follow your dreams," etc. But when I went after that, I was shunned and treated like shit.

In my life right now, things are going well - and I love it. But again, because I'm used to drama and misfortune, this new turn of events is foreign to me. I had to shut it down and check myself not to go back to my old way of doing things, because I already know they don't and won't work, especially since I already know the outcome.

In a little over a month, I'll have to face the three biggest critics in my life, my Mother, her sister and brother at my favorite Aunt's 60th birthday party. It's something that not only has to be done, but something I really don't want to do, because I know me. Once my mind is made up about something, I don't change it. I know how I feel, I know how they've negatively impacted my life and I know what I'm going to say to them and it's not going to come out nothing less than harsh. No matter what they say to justify their actions and behaviors towards me, it will not change the way that I feel, simply because it's repetitive behavior that I just can not forget or excuse. I don't know if I have the capacity to forgive them, especially because they've done things on more than one occasion. I'd rather not think about them and the mental anguish they've put me through. They've definitely have impacted my self-esteem and my ability to participate in healthy relationships.

I know that I'll have to do this in order for me to grow. I've let them take up space in my mind and affect me in ways that I never thought they would. And it's more painful than I've imagined. But thinking about my family situation, further confirms why I am the way that I am in intimate relationships, what I deal with, tolerate and accept as the norm. Also it's sheds light as to why I'm defiant and why I have issues with authority figures. Most of the authority figures in my life have failed me one way or another.

Things are slowly progressing with "Pop Life." I won't complain about that and because of a couple of things that happened over the last couple of weeks, I'll let it rest, just to see what happens. I'm trying to learn not to completely throw away a plan or an idea just because it doesn't work the way that I want it to. Again, I'll leave it at that.

I know things will turn around, just as they always do. But the lesson in the process of getting to the point of success is annoying, draining and tiring. We'll talk again soon.

Much love.

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