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9.09.2010

The Best

I have heard you say you're gonna change. But I'm afraid that it's too late....I've given you the best of me, the best it's true. But I can't get the best from you, so I guess goodbye is the best that I can do.
I've come to accept the fact that my loneliness is a little more serious than it is. The fact is, I've never felt like I fit in with people, even my family. I'm starting to realize that I have some serious abandonment issues. I know where they stem from...Even though I have good friends and I know people love me, I have a hard time handling that people don't reciprocate.

I find myself sometimes feeling empty or disappointed in relationships, friendships and at times, simple social interactions. I think that because I long for that feeling of acceptance that I never really got growing up (on top of everything else that happened in my childhood) plus the fact that I haven't always used discretion when selecting people to be around, always leaves me feeling null and void. As much as I try to relinquish and counteract these feelings by becoming the person I wish I encountered more often, I feel even more isolated. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied...

I'm not the best person in the world, but my good qualities definitely outweigh my bad ones and quite frankly I'm fuckin' tired of people taking me for granted. I invest a lot of time in my friendships, I take them very seriously - but people always want to see the crucial, imperative role I play in their lives after I've been drained and I decide that it's time for me to remove myself from a situation before I reach my breaking point.

I wonder why it's so hard for people to consider other people's feelings? I wonder why it's so hard for some people to pick up the phone to genuinely say hi, I was thinking about you! What's with people wanting to take, but never have anything to give? What if I stopped caring the way that I do? Then I'd be a horrible person...I'll take that. I guess no one cares, the way I do. I feel like I'm stranded on a desert island...All it means that I'll have to unfortunately stay behind the gates to protect myself. As much as I don't want to accept it as a fact, it's the truth. The sad truth. The honest truth...


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