Just as I was beginning to celebrate my victory of conquering my recurring summer depression (I had a feeling it was too soon to do so), I see all of the familiar things that set me off, lining up to take shots at me. That just lets me know one thing, I haven't dealt and conquered everything like I thought that I have. Finding balance has always been an issue for me. I'm trying hard not to get closer than I am to the edge. I can't believe that with all of the changes I've been implementing over the past 6 months, I'm at same exact spot that I was in 3 years ago. It seems like I can't catch a break. But I have a feeling that will change...for the better and soon.
I am not religious. I don't get caught up in all of the bible, "creepy Christian" hoopla. I have a tendency to get angry and not pray simply because it's hard to pray when you're pissed. That's when the human side of us takes over. Honestly, the only time we want to talk or know God is when we want something or when we're going through some shit and that's really not the way to do it.
Today I was on the verge of having a core meltdown. The kind that Janet Jackson went through when she was recording The Velvet Rope. The kind of meltdown that I've had before; staying in the house 4 months, quitting my job, not showering, barely coming out of my room, crying, eating myself into 330 pounds, not interacting with anyone and looking a raggedy fucking mess. It was a difficult day. There was some shit that went down at work, that I would usually ignore but so many things have been consuming my mind lately, it made me snap a little and I immediately reverted back to my old way of doing things, being reactive.
I sat my desk today and almost broke down. I just (Monday) removed myself from a personal situation that was doing more harm than good and although I feel good about my decision, it seems as if people involved were offended and clueless about why I did what I did. I'm tired of people not accepting responsibility for the shit they do and get mad at me when I respond in a manner in which involves me standing up for and protecting myself.
I thought about how tired I am of being the one that everyone consults when they need advice or tips on how to do something better. You have no idea how tired I am of seeing people soar personally and professionally after my advisement. They run like the wind and act as if they got to where they got on their own. Don't think that I'm a hater either - because if I was, I wouldn't give them solid, beneficial advice. But I do know this, I'm not saying shit else to anyone about shit they're trying to do. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am and I can count on one hand the muthafuckas that have TRULY assisted me. I'm done being nice and helpful - it gets you fuckin' nowhere. I bet when I implement my selfish attitude, people are going to spazz. Ask me how I feel when I'm really in need? I have to damn near pass out and show blood to get assistance.
I'm tired of my family treating me like I'm 12 or some shit and then when I ignore or get short with them, they want to throw a guilt trip. Then when I explain my positioning on the issue, they want to cry and act stupid like I'm the one that started it. No, I just responded. I'm tired of being understanding. I don't give a fuck anymore.
I'm sick and fuckin' tired of these muthafuckin faggots, tearing each other down every waking moment, walking around like they are better, more worthy, more deserving of the next person while buying into and perpetuating these grossly negative and inaccurate stereotypes under the guise of love and compassion, when they are miserable and have no sense of community, no sense of self-worth, no respect and a lack of empathy when it comes to their counterparts. You'd be surprised how hard I've tried to be all inclusive like these fabulous vacation destinations in the islands only to be laughed at and rejected, but as soon as I turn around these fake ass bitches are jacking my ideas verbatim passing it off as their own and almost daring me to put them on blast. Well, my new book "Pop Life" calls their bluff. :-)
I'm no longer interested in participating in the act of extending myself to ungrateful, bitch ass people.
I see so much talent everyday it inspires me. I will never forget the 21 year old kid I was when I wrote and published my first book "At This Moment." I had no clue as to what I was embarking on. I had no support system at all. My blog was my outlet and the people that read my blog became my support system and I will forever be grateful for that. I always told myself that whenever I saw someone going against the odds and daring to be authentically different, I would give them the push that I never got, because I know what it feels like to carry the weight of the world on weak shoulders when no one reaches out to help. I'm done doing that. I'm extended out.
Creatively, I'm even more pissed. The publishing process has been challenging as it always is. It's been a 3 year process that is finally on the wind down. I thought to myself Am I difficult to work with or work for?
I still haven't decided if I'm going to scrap my cover concept for "Pop Life". I'm using models for the cover. Dealing with different personalities is difficult enough, but I thought I was making it work. When I first came up with the concept, I wanted to give a few black men the opportunity to live out their dream of modeling. A lot of us don't have the opportunity to live out our dreams, so we have to create them. Honestly, most of us don't have the drive and the will to do it and if we do, we face so many obstacles, we break in the process. I was so excited about the fact that I was creating this opportunity and thought that people would jump on it. Hmph...there I go being nice and naive again. In retrospect, there were so many things that held up the production process the guys probably got frustrated and tired of waiting on everything to clear, that's understandable, but at the same time, I'm not begging anyone to be on the cover of my book, especially when I'm coming out of my pocket to pay someone.
Most people don't understand (and never will unless they actually go through the process) the red tape involved in the creative production process. So I have to explain that constantly. At the same time it's important for me to have a connection with people. Especially the ones that I work with creatively. Most people don't understand that rapport and chemistry is extremely important. If you want anything you do creatively to go right, these two things are a necessity. I take my work seriously and I want the people that are working with me to make the dream happen to understand what they are apart of. Do you know that out of the guys that were selected, only one of them gave me feedback on the book? I feel that's problematic. You can not convey a character if you know nothing about them. Needless to say, my heart is only invested in one of the guys that I've selected and. I am seriously on the verge of replacing the other four. Especially after my meeting with a couple of them last week. Don't be nonchalant and have fucked up work ethic. I'm good on that shit. I need people who are serious about what the fuck they do to be around me. I'm so ready to operate in a no bullshit zone.
In all honesty, I'm tired of fuckin' with silly ass muthafuckin people who lack. Lack respect, lack motivation, lack ambition, lack the zest for life, lack the desire to want to be and do better, lack genuinely helping others. I'm good. And I will be good.
It's a tragedy that I have to remove myself and alter my being not only to survive, but to get the respect that I rightfully deserve. I'm not interested in bowing out. I'm interested in conquering and winning, getting the best out of life and being successful. Either you're for me or against me. There is no gray area.
We are in a season of change. Only those who operate out of genuine authenticity are getting ready to reap the benefits and the opulent fruit of life. That fake shit is coming to an end like Jheri-Curls and knock-off Luis Bags.
Thank you for allowing me to take a shit in your toilet today. I'll promptly flush.