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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

10.29.2010

Best of ITMWT: This Is Now

Originally aired as: Season 8 Show 25 1.06.2010

Trent returns after the new year and winds down the season while talking about bowel movements, miserable people, bringing in the new year and fighting for your sanity and your life.

Trent's Show Notes: "This show was another one of my favorites. It was very honest. I heard this show for the first time like a week ago and I was amazed at my own progression. I think this was one of the shows that made me proud to be Trent Jackson."

MP3 File

10.28.2010

Best of ITMWT: Open Book

Originally Aired as: Season 8 Show 12 11.06.09

Trent talks about the love he has for his young sister and other members in his family. He talks extensively about his personal life as well as makes an announcement regarding his upcoming book project.

Trent's show notes: "You know I opened the show talking about my lip injections. lol. But I immediately go into my sister. That makes this show for me. I love Essence so much, I think about her and get instantly happy sometimes to the point of tears. She is the reason why I strive for excellence. I want her to surpass what I've done - she has so much potential, I see it and I want to ensure that she maximizes it. But other than that I could tell that I was having a good day. I was in a good space - and I was candid. I love myself for that. This was one of the shows that made me realize my potential and how much I've helped other people, when I 'exploit' myself."

MP3 File

10.27.2010

Best of ITMWT: Interview With Lalah Hathaway

Originally Aired As: The Completion 08.08.08

Trent Interviews the incomparable soul legend Lalah Hathaway!

Trent's notes on the show: "I didn't sleep the night before this show. I was not only honored but excited to interview Lalah. I remember when I was attending Southern University, I wrote down one day that I wanted to interview her. I got my wish - and I was super excited, I could barely concentrate. It was a live interview so the quality wasn't where I wanted it. But it's something I'll never forget. She is truly an inspiration to me and I was so very humbled for the experience. It was also emotional for me. I cried as soon as the show was done because I interviewed her on what would have been my cousin Tuesday's 38th birthday and she's the one that introduced me to her music."

MP3 File

10.26.2010

Best Of ITMWT: Confessing Pandora's Gay Box

Originally Aired As: Season 8 Show 6 09.25.09

Trent goes in on dating, common courtesy, respect, family squabbles at the funeral, running into his jump-off, stuff on T.V., twitter and other gay madness!

Trent's notes on the show: "You know. This show really cracks me the fuck up. I couldn't and still can't believe how I throw people under the bus! My family is a mess - but people can relate to that. Everyone can relate to the family madness. After hearing this, I have a new found respect not only for myself but for everyone else's struggle as well. This show speaks volumes to a few repetitive issues that black gay men face."

MP3 File

10.25.2010

Best Of ITMWT: Follow Me

Originally aired as: Season 8 Show 3 09.09.09

Trent opens the show talking about being a "man of a certain age", explaining his term "follow me", his catering business and enforcing boundaries.

Note from Trent about the show: "I think that this is the perfect show to be introduced to my platform. This show definitely taps into the true essence of what I do. The music, energy topics were on point. I love this show. It got me hype listening to it a year later. Thats something I never do."

MP3 File

10.24.2010

Fall's Movement

I am blessed. I am honored. Most importantly I know who I am.

I am an artist. The title of "Writer" and "Author" are too constricting. I do not limit myself to those titles. I'm a creator. I give birth to art. Art takes time. It is a process of experiences. The sum of actions. The finality of understanding. I allow God to use me as a vessel.

I do not force God's will. I do not rush his process. My "control" is limited. I wait for his alignment. I have a divine connection with the universe and with God - and I move when my spirit tells me to. I am in tune with the universe. I strive and live for genuine authenticity.

I am love. I am understanding. I am the struggle. I am the victor. I am made in his image. I stand in the light. I shine bright as the sun. I am the sustenance that drives the earth.

No one does what I do...

Tonight I had the privilege to be among the company of 20 or so young, black, smart, intelligent, gifted, brilliant, amazing, phenomenal, engaging, attractive, balanced, courageous gay men. It was a very amazing gift to be in the company of such an enlightened group of men. For the first time I can say that I've been in a space with other black gay men, where no shade existed. It gave me hope. It kept my ignited fire burning. It inspired me. It was refreshing to see black men in the same environment where no one worried about top or bottom. There was objectifying ourselves to sex. We talked, we laughed, we shared our stories. Our stories of passion, pain, triumph and glory. I am full...

This was a perfect way to start off the week...

I invite everyone to read and listen to my blog this week, as I re-air a few select episodes of my podcast/radio show "In The Mix With Trent." I hope to inspire you all with a few stories of my own that may speak to your situation.

As you start your week - be blessed and "Don't ever let nobody tell you, you ain't strong enough!" Go forth knowing you can and you will win!

I love you for reading, listening and supporting the movement!

10.22.2010

Finding The Balance; Retiring "Family Values."

I analyze myself a lot. There is always room for enhancement and improvement. Complacency has never been interesting to me nor has it been anything that I've desired, but I take notice to certain patterns in my life that attempt to leave a permanent mark, called habit, on my personality.

While I was flying across country and driving the highways to various destinations this past weekend, I went over back and forth about a few things I'm not content with right now. Primarily my social life. I've come to realize that even though I know how to communicate, I'm not the best nor am I the most efficient communicator as I thought I was. I would say that I'm shy and extremely reserved, more reserved than shy.I've never had a problem meeting people and making friends, but that's not really the issue.

The problem is I have too many hangups, with my weight and my sexuality. All of my life, I was beat down because of those two things. Quite honestly, after hearing something consistently for 20 years, you start to believe it - and it's hard to break yourself of that mindset even though you realize and see everyone does not operate out negativity and everyone isn't against you or picking at you for things that make you different.

When I come back home after my ATL and L.A. excursions over the next two weeks, I've got some serious housekeeping to do. Los Angeles always reminds me of what my life could be like if I fuck up and ATL has always been a place that I can relax and have fun with genuine people - the perfect mixed drink I need in my life right now.

A few months ago, my manager pointed out a few things to me. I heard, more than I listened, but I did listen. Because the things that she said to me resonated, but every time I go against the grain, or doing something that I know impedes the process and progress, I hear her loud and clear.

"You are scared of success." When she said that, I didn't rebuttal like I usually do. I thought about it...and I am. This isn't a new realization, but coming to terms with the reasons why is.

I've always had it hard. Not that anything is supposed to be easy, but I'm just now catching a break so to speak. And not to throw them under the bus, but I'm the only one in my family to really attempt to deviate from the "get a job and work" cycle. There are no college graduates in my family and everyone settled and became complacent. None of them ever lived out their dreams. Looking back, when I wanted to live out mine (and started to) there was all types of opposition and belittlement from every angle, which is part of the reason why I downplay my own success. My family never gave me the support or the validation that I needed and desired to succeed. And because they didn't do it first, it's been extremely hard for me to accept validation, acceptance and support from other people, while continuing to strive towards my personal goals and dreams. So when people are doing things out authentic generosity, I tend to sabotage myself, because of trust issues.

Many people will say that it doesn't matter that your family didn't do something, but it does. Your family affects every single decision that you'll ever make in your entire life. They are the basis of everything in regards to interacting with people.

In a twisted sense, my family not giving me the support that I need has really prepared me for the vicious industry that I'm apart of. If anything, my family has taught me that everyone isn't going to have your best interest, people will always have something negative to say and just because you're close with someone doesn't mean that they'll always (if ever) be on your side.

The closer I get to the release of "Pop Life," the more I see myself getting caught up in my old way of doing things - to deal with this imaginary stress that I'm creating, which is nothing more than fear, which is nothing more than me getting my own way...nothing but excuses, because I'm literally afraid to step into my role. I was created to show them that you can still go through shit and live out your wildest dreams.

Unfortunately, like most other people, my family has done a number on me. I'm not the last or first, but one of the few that talks about family the adverse affect they have on us.

10.21.2010

H.A.T.E.U.

Trust me, I'm fine. I think a few posts back and a few of my recent twitter rants struck a few nerves.

There are moments when I just need to release everything I've been holding in. Unfortunately, I feel that this is my only place to vent (unbiasedly). I have a few people in my life that are my sounding board - but only a few people REALLY get me, plus I don't like to bombard people with my issues. Honestly, very few people give a fuck anyway.

I spend most of my time internalizing and engaging in premier self destructive behaviors to cope, patch and make sense of this trap, I indirectly put myself in. I always end up okay, I don't like walking and dwelling in dark rooms longer than I need to be. I am literally at the accepting point of understanding that my happiness is my responsibility.

I had a great weekend. I did some traveling and hung out with a great friend that I've known since High School. It's good to have a close friendship with someone that you've known for years. I haven't had the best friendships, but I can honestly say that I've learned something from each and every person that I've called a friend. She and I go waaaaaay back. What I appreciate most about our relationship is that she's versatile! She fits in with anyone anywhere. Trust and believe you can't take most of your friends to the top with you, but she is one that has believed in me from the start.

My stress level has been off the Richter's. I just avoided a court trial with my first publishing company. They've agreed to pay me out and release me from our agreement, that hasn't been revised since 2004. With the many advancements in publishing, my contract was supposed to be re-negotiated to include digital royalties and a restructuring of my overseas sales. That never happened.  In this business, you live and you learn and when you're a new artist most of everything is trial by error.

When I see people that I know are destined for greatness, I always pull them to the side and try and tell them the truth of what they're getting ready to involve themselves in. I always think about the things I went through behind the scenes (most of which is in my new book, Pop Life) and how most of the people I encountered a attempted and set me up to be sabotaged. I'm not saying that I required a babysitter or everyone was out to get me. But you'd be surprised at how people will place you in some unsavory positions, especially when you're doing something that people want to gain from. Many people will offer things or say they know this person or that person and you end up in bad situations, when you listen to the advice of others.

I try and tell (warn) some of these new kids the deal before this "gay fame" snatches them up and obliterates them. None of them ever listen, but it never fails, when shit goes wrong with them, they always call me. I'm not captain save a hoe and I frequently use the phrase, "I told you so, I used to be you." It never fails how people will listen to those who pretend to have their best interest just because they're popular. I think it's quite funny how people say "Don't listen to him or don't talk to her." I sleep at night knowing that the truth does come to the light, it will blind most. And I also get to tell the story and make money behind it. #Shade.

Back to the point, It came to my attention earlier this year that I had sold a significant number of digital books for, "At This Moment" that I hadn't gotten paid on. Long story short, when I release, "Pop Life" I'll be re-releasing my first novel, "At This Moment" as well, which will now be included on my publishing company's roster. I'll also have sole distribution rights. I'm very excited about it, because there are a lot of things that I wanted to change after that book was published. Now I get to go back in time, fix a few things and represent that same material to today's 20 year old. I won't change much - but a few things need to be chopped and screwed.

Speaking of "Pop Life," I'm getting ready to go into overdrive for this release and tour...I'm excited to see the outcome. I noticed that I release a book every 3 years (04, 07...10). It's safe to say that I had a combination of physical, mental and emotional turmoil that I didn't think I'd get out of these last three years. But such is life, a lot of things are going to have to change. But I'm also aware of timing...I'm not forcing anything if it's not fitting.

Over the last couple of days I saw the warning signs that I'm starting to slip, I was reminded of that today when one of my professors emailed me telling me I had been lacking on assignments. Since it's dead smack in the middle of mid-terms and I have a lot of creative projects to undertake, I really have to get on my A game and stop fucking around. I have been called to be a catalyst for change, not a catalyst for complacency.

I've got a lot of work ahead of me...so it's time to focus. Save the date, 11.3.10

10.20.2010

Witty Wednesday: The Comeback Campaign. Pay Attention to the message. Not the messenger.

  • November 3rd 2010 I have an announcement to make. Make sure you're at my blog at 12 midnight on this date.
  • You'll always be apart of me, even when you leave, even if you don't acknowledge me. Google proves that. You'll need me for something one day.
  • Can you tell I'm on my period again?
  • I'm like Fantasia, "I ain't gon' beg you."
  • "I'm tryna help Ike."
  • When I'm mistreated, it only fuels my fire.
  • I always win...
  • You really don't know how tired I am of giving advice and being of service to ungrateful people. It's enlightening and entertaining, yet irritating how people come to you seeking your good judgement and superb creative injections, only to pretend that you never helped them or that the fake bitches they parade with, came up with the basis of their creative direction. Where the fuck were they when you were consulting me, the underrated legend? I see I'm gonna have to start reminding bitches who they're mimicking and dealing with. Thank You is free hoe.
  • I finally swallowed my pride, let my balls hang low and made a business contact that I hope pans out for the best.
  • I really need a team thats highly skilled at dealing with people, cause I'm over it. I'd rather just deal with people who I know what I expect and deliver.
  • My fuse is short and I'm the kinda bitch that will get up and walkout of a meeting when you're on that bullshit. I did it today.
  • "Have your answering machine call mine."
  • My manager, my attorney and my assistant.
  • Dealing with stupid, difficult ass people will take you to the highest of heights.
  • Always follow your first mind.
  • as told to me by @BuddahDesmond "This is what happens I guess when dealing with ungrateful, user-friendly people." He ain't never lied, hoes only calling when they want to promote something or ask for a favor.
  • Your name is being burned as we speak.
  • Never ignore your feelings about a person when you first meet them.
  • Haven't they told you the underdog always wins?
  • I have a fine colleague. If there ever came a point in which we were drinking alone, I'd be a #hoe. I'd suck his dick and I may even swallow. Totally against my rules, but there is something about him. He'd have to let me eat and beat tho...straight boys that make too much eye contact, gotta love em!
  • I can't wait to use my waffle iron this weekend. It's gonna be fantastic. I love a waffle.
  • Sometimes you're your own worst enemy.
  • In the same realization, sometimes you have to curse out and go hard on yourself. Especially when you're up to your old way of doing things. We all know that the old way of doing things haven't, won't and will never work.#GiveItUp
  • So, I go to my P.O. Box to pickup my mail and I notice that I have something too large to fit in my box. I'm thinking it's some certified mail from an attorney or something like that. So I waited a couple of days to see if I could channel what it was being sent...I finally went and claimed it. It was my vacation package confirmation from Beaches! I guess it does get better.
  • Um. Not that I'm not "tolerant" or anything like that. But I chose not to support this purple movement today, simply because I'm not going to limit myself to one day of remembering slain gay men who lost their lives because they weren't accepted. I know what that's like. I live my life everyday by being an example on what struggle and progression looks like. In my mind, it's almost like limiting my racial heritage to one month. *Side Bar* I wasn't trying to look like Barney or Grimace either.
  • So none of my work in my online class was saved and it's mid-terms next week? #FML
  • U know Keri Hilson, Ciara, Ashanti, Cassie, Paula Abdul & Rihanna have been burning black candles, holding secret seances performing rituals and chanting 4 the day Beyonce got preggers. Even though their wish maybe granted, don't they know "Ain't nothin' good gonna come to them" when they hoping a bitch fail.
  • I sure did tell my co-worker "I tried to tell you." When my new boss first arrived on the scene, I told everyone he wasn't going to work. I saw it. I saw how he talked AT people, I experienced how he treated me. I gave that 151, Newport-rotten-pussy smelling ass nigga the benefit of the doubt. I have a 6th sense when it comes to reading people and summing them up. I quietly said my grievances, but they were dismissed. Today my co-worker told me some shit he did to her that he did to me...they'll learn to listen. I always have to experience things first. And I always bow down to the people that had to kick in the door for me. Don't let the door hit you in the face...
  • Wait. I am not in compliance with Beyonce having a baby.
  • So, my family will be getting together around Thanksgiving. I'm going to have to deal with my uncle and aunt who've dissed me my entire life. The scene will be very remnant of "Mike" (Shiela's Husband) when he threw all them niggas under the bus in "Why Did I get Married." I just want to say, "Checkmate." I've been waiting to talk shit back to them since I was my sisters age. A whole 21 years. I've got a lot to say.
  • I swear, the HR Department at FedEx only hires attractive, sexy, ruggedly masculine, flirty, sexually ambigously orientated men.
  • Don't call me when the moon starts bleeding. Carry on about your business and remember what Trent Jackson told you. I'm gonna be in Jamaica smoking a spliff, enjoying my sister and not dealing with yall late hoes who discarded the memo.
  •  Pay Attention to the message. Not the messenger.

10.12.2010

Somethin's In The Air...

When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt a big weight lift off of me. I knew that 10/10/10 was going to be a magical day. There was just something in the air. I felt a shift. A shift for the better. 10 is the number of completion. 10 represents the ending of a cycle.

For the past three years I've been living the material for my new book "Pop Life" and once you read it, you'll understand why I'm glad the cycle is over. The last three years of my life have been complete and utter turmoil. For the last three years I was high everyday. Trying to figure out who I was. I lost all of my friends. Every single job I had and I had no clue where my life was going. I even cheated death a total of three times. Not to mention I never thought that I would write another book again.

Looking back, I can say one thing. God is still in control - and was there every step of the way. Even when I was high out of my mind, I prayed. And I never stopped praying. I prayed to get through the rough moments - because I knew that I was only trying to cope with everything that was going on in my mind.

For the majority of my youth, I was dealing with the void of not having and knowing my father, who I'm named after. He died when I was six and he lived out of state. I always refer to my father as "Charlie," from Charlie's Angels. We never saw Charlie, but his voice came through that black box on the desk. That sums up my relationship with my father - a voice on the phone. 

It wasn't until my teenage years that I started to realize that I missed the man that I never knew more than I know. That along with being molested, being teased, having a weight issue, my Grandmother being murdered, raising my sister, having to drop out of school plus a ton of cycled family chaos consumed most of my brain space. I'm finally at a point where I can just sit back and breathe and really connect with myself again...and it feels good. I love myself. I am love.

I can honestly say that every day gets better and better. But it hasn't been easy by any means. I can't wait until I resume recording my shows just so I can go in, in detail about the last crazy 8 months of my life. I didn't know how much I appreciated that outlet until recently.

There are a lot of great things that I see happening within our community that makes me smile. I see a lot of people stepping up to the plate to make changes that are needed within the black gay community. I'm inspired  and excited as I was back in 2005 when I was on my first book tour. I love Xem VanAdams so much. He has made my entire year. He literally brought me to tears when I read what he said about me publicly, that meant so much to me. It feels good to be validated by your peers, especially when you know the work that you've put in and it goes unnoticed. It makes a difference, when  people say things about you that aren't true. It brightens your day and gives you that push that you need to keep going especially when people are so washed to believe and buy into some shit that's current at the moment or support those who you know are only out for themselves. You guys have no idea what goes on behind the scenes when you're apart of this gay "fame" sphere. I'm excited for Jumata Emil Jones a new writer on the brink of releasing his first novel. He is a phenomenal talent and he is getting ready to bring a new genre to the black gay literary world. I simply adore and love Lonnell Williams and his platform, he is such a great spirit - and he is the one that will single-handedly unite the black gay community...watch.

One thing is for sure, for all of the people that have been through - your time is here. The fake shit is over...all the people that have fucked, sucked and fucked over people to get to the top - they are falling and crumbling right before your eyes. We are now entering the era of the truth...and you'll know it when you hear it and see it. The truth hits you and shakes you at your core. It sends chills up and down your spine and it makes you have an out of body experience. It's time for healing and growth...

Life is great when you're living bliss everyday. Life is phenomenal when you're able to say that you're comfortable in your own skin. I'd never thought that I'd see the day in which I love and accept myself for who I am. You know. Looking back, I'm blessed. I'm glad that I seek and perpetuate authenticity and operate in genuine love. The road to security and acceptance haven't been easy. I've operated out several different states of insecurity, I thought it was normal. Family definitely plays a significant role in that.

I can't wait for you guys to read Pop Life...

I love you all. Be yourself. Walk in your own path and scratch what your family and society thinks. It's all built on some bullshit. Be the catalyst for change.

10.08.2010

Holding Down The F5 Key till I see the screen I want

I woke up this morning saying "BITCH PLEASE!" I went to bed last night thinking about Danity Kanes song, "Sleep On It."

I can't fake happy at all. It pays to be in touch with your honest, raw emotions at all times.

This morning started off all fucked up. Typically I wake up between 6:30 - 6:45 a.m., but for some reason this clown had his alarm clock set for 5:30 and then had the nerve to lay there and sleep through the alarm. WTF? I was so annoyed that I not only had to get up and shut the shit off, but he continued to sleep through it as if he were dead. Anyway, I ended up over sleeping and with everything that happened last night mentally, I was a complete and utter wreck. I walked all the way to the subway station only to realize my metro card was at home...I switched the same two pair of pants three times this morning.

I've come to accept that I harbor and internalize a lot of my true feelings. I refrain from saying what I'm really thinking and feeling because I know how obliteratingly harsh my thoughts are. It's common knowledge that I have a "mouth" and I give much "attitude" but I'm only responding to what I'm given. I don't go spewing off at the mouth of giving attitude without merit. I give people and situations the benefit of the doubt way too much, way too often when I know that I shouldn't.

I recently changed my phone number for a few reasons. The main is that Los Angeles is no longer my home. I need a number that reflects where I'm at now in my life, so I did that. Besides I was getting tired of people transposing my area code. I had a Los Angeles, "310" number and one of the local area codes in my region is "301" It gets confusing, even for me. I'm use to dialing 310, so at times I do that when I really meant to dial 301. I needed to cut a few people off, there are elements that shouldn't be apart of my life and there are certain people that brought that element in. I'm a lot more selective in my interaction with people. I have myself figured out to a science and I know what works and doesn't work, I wish people would just learn to accept it and get over it.

I'll be the first people to tell you that I'm emotional. My emotions rule me stronger than my logic...but they operate simultaneously, which is why I think everything out and look at the big picture. I don't expect people to get that, but I do expect them to respect it and not challenge it. A lot of the times I can't prove what I'm feeling, but I know that I'm right and I always end up right. It makes me want to institute "I told you so," back into my word usage. My intuition is so on point it scares me at times, it never fails me and I'm done with people trying to make me think I'm crazy for receiving the messages I do, especially before shit happens. Fortunately for me, I have people figured out to a science, so I can read a bitch from across the country and be dead on right.

In all honesty, I'm tired of dealing with flaky, silly ass people. Communicating when they think that it's okay to. Reciprocation is serious. I understand people are busy, but I'm sorry, it doesn't take two weeks to return a call or a text. If I did that shit, people would be throwing me under all kinds of buses. Expecting me to be and bend over backwards for them, asking for favors - but if I do the same, I'm put on the back burner or eventually played. I'm good. on that shit. I am sexually frustrated and it's probably better I remain that way and I'm professionally unhappy, with the later being the one that's most consuming.

For the past 60 days, I've been going back and forth with the company that published and distributed my first novel "At This Moment." I published that book when I was 21 years old. I was fresh, I didn't know everything. I went on to sell 10K copies of that book and I recently found out that I wasn't getting paid royalties on digital sales, which royally pissed me off. I had no idea that I had sold a substantial amount of kindle edition books which would have earned me a nice royalty. A few people that I knew personally bought my book on the kindle edition, which weren't included in my last royalty statement that I got in April. When I didn't see the sales posted in my July royalty statement, I questioned it and I asked how many digital copies I has sold, I was livid. I immediately got on the phone with my attorney and issued a cease and desist order. I'm now waiting to receive, what would would be the equivalent to a music artist "masters," along with a settlement check.

This delays my new book, "Pop Life" longer because I have to reorganize my company and include my first book on my publishing companies catalog, which means I'm basically re-publishing my first book, which is a good thing, but a great task. I was smart with my second novel, "Full Circle" and actually took control over publishing and distributing myself.

The main hold up for "Pop Life" is this cover. This is really sensitive for me. I'm the kind of person that if the  vision that I have for something doesn't go as planned, it's not getting done at all. I'm a perfectionist with my art and unless you're a creator, I don't expect you to understand and I'd prefer if people shut the fuck up when it comes to my EXPRESSION. It's my vision and I've been successful at what I do for a reason.

When I first came up with the cover concept around this time last year, I thought it was a great idea - superb even, I was so excited to see the finish product, I went into overdrive, even though the book was not done at that point.

I wanted to use live models, instead of the usual artist illustrations that I usually do with my books. Honestly, I will only work with people who have the same zest for my projects as I do. I truly believe in working and employing people who are passionate and dedicated to their craft as much as I am to mine. Even though I've had to overcome a lot of personal hurtles these past few years, I'm still in love with writing and It's what I do. Back to the point, I wanted to do something completely different and provide and edge to my brand. Because of the content of this book, I need to go all out to ensure that the cover is eye catching and it "pops" when people see it. This story is extremely important and relevant since the Bishop Eddie Long situation is fresh on our minds and our society is now obsessed with fame, the internet and bloggers. "Pop Life" touches on that and some.

Initially I found the perfect five, which turned into the perfect four, which turned into three. I felt as If I was Matthew Knowles and the guys were Destiny's Child circa 2001. Again, I don't expect for anyone to understand the creative process - but the 5 guys I met and the three that I ended up with weren't the same people I had met. Initially there were a lot of set backs, plus I was dealing with my addiction and getting my personal life together. While I did communicate with them, I didn't give them the full monty.

Recently, I went to dinner with the two guys I was going to keep from the original group and I was totally unsatisfied with their display of interest in regards to the project. There was nothing there. It was like looking at your ex boyfriend who cheated on you with your best-friend. I had already made up in my mind what I was going to do - I almost felt disrespected.

I went over the situation with my manager and practically had a breakdown at her house. In so many words, she said I was over-reacting and I shouldn't scrap an idea because it doesn't go the way I want it to. She's right - but from a creative standpoint, in my brain, this is how my project was going to reach to the success that it's supposed to, because ultimately people do judge books by their cover. She injected some great options and restored my excitement back into the project and we immediately went to work on the new cover idea. Which is when I scouted the new face for "Kyle DeVoe," the books main character who would compliment the guys I already had in place.

I had noticed the new "Kyle" for quite sometime and after reading his tweets I decided to present the idea to him. I was excited when agreed, because in my mind he was the perfect fit - he embodied Kyle perfectly. Their style, the things they said. It wouldn't have been at all hard for the reader to picture the model I had in mind to pull this off seamlessly.

With the cover, I want the reader to experience "Pop Life" in 3D. A lot of the times books give you a description of the characters, so we're left to envision them in our minds. Nothing wrong with that, because that's what books are about. I wanted to take it a step further and make it visual. I wanted the cover to mesh perfectly with my exquisite attention to detail when telling a story to fully submerge the reader into the scenarios. I want them to have an orgasmic experience when reading this book and I don't want ANYONE fucking this up.

I was pissed that for whatever reason, when I took the four hour journey to sit down with the new "Kyle" to go over everything - the meeting never happened. There was a severe communication breakdown that day. It was T-Mobile, text messages, phone calls. Subsequently, I was back at square one, nowhere! I never met with the model and I was so livid that I wasn't even interested anymore. I called my manager, I maintained a positive outlook and thank God I was with my best-friend that weekend or else I would have flipped. I was disappointed that day. I went to Roosevelt Island, sat right there looking onto the Hudson and smoked two blunts...just like old times.

I've spent the last 8 months detoxing myself of childhood pain and the fake L.A. lifestyle that has taken a great toll on me mentally and emotionally. Just when I try to get my literary career back in order - here comes the bullshit. I'm not complaining, nothings ever perfect, I've done this twice before. But what I don't like is complicated situations, especially brought on by others, which are ultimately brought on by my vision. What's really going on? 

This is not by any means defeat. If there is one thing that I've learned from my manager, I know that things will always work out in my favor, even if I don't see it yet.

In the end, I always get what I want. But the process to get there is what makes me have more than one case of momentary insanity, but makes success sweeter. I'm not made of glass and I won't break.

10.07.2010

Random on a Thursday

  • I was speaking with one of my friends last night explaining to him I had to let "Midnight" go. I loved the sex. It was one of those things where our bodies made a commitment whether we wanted to or not. I'm very intimate during sex and I like doing certain things that he didn't, that was deal breaker #1, it was getting to the point of selfish sex. The other times, he was always asking to borrow money or always in need of something. Even though he paid me back, nigga please. The dick was great to suck and jack...fun to eat out and fuck senselessly against the wall. But I'm pushing 30 I need something a little more interactive without the restriction. I.E., Can we go to dinner, get drunk, talk some shit and then fuck senselessly? Then you go home. We ain't gotta be boyfriends, but I'm beyond the Jump-off or sex only stage.
  • I've said this before, I've never been fucked. I'll try it though. As long as you eat it before you beat it. But I have to know you for some time before you even try that. I'll still be more on the top side of things. There is only one man that can get it, hands down without any questions right now. Okay, maybe two.
  • I need to bust a few nuts. lol
  • "I go on and on. Can't understand how i last so long! I must have super-powers..."
  • I can't stand my new boss. He is the epitome of ghetto. Not only does he have no communication skills, he doesn't make eye contact when he speaks and overall he's not received well. No one in my office likes him and they pay him dust every time they see him. Yesterday we had an office function and as the office manager I attempted to introduce him to everyone so he could feel more received, since people have a rapport with me. He stops me and says, "I can introduce myself, okay?" Right as I was introducing him to the director of my office...Stupid ass didn't even know who he was trying to dismiss me in front of.
  • Speaking of the director, one of my other bosses (I report to 4 people) said something about "smoothies and a blender." Me and my director looked at each other at the same time, we were on the same wave length. Smoothies and a blender? Quit playin! Where the drank at? Clearly we wanted margaritas. He knows whats up. I love him for that. #Connection.
  • Do you follow me on Twitter? In the words of Ike Turner, via Laurence (Remember he used to go by Larry?) Fishburne "Don't let me catch you 'round my house either!!" In other words, don't go stalking my shit nigga. I know it's a lot of people that do that voyeuristic shit.
  • Back to my new boss, that nigga smells like, rotten pussy, Newport cigarettes and 151.
  • I'm lonely. I'm in a new city and while I'm guarded and have reservations, the older I get the less bullshit I will tolerate. I just can't get with it. I know who I'll get a long with right away and I haven't met anyone...well, there was that one guy who I made a connection with right away. I had to down play it just a bit, I didn't want to come on too strong. But he's definitely someone I can be platonically intimate with. I actually like him a lot...very warm he is.
  • At the end of the day I just want to hold hands, lay up, kiss, talk, cook dinner and connect. Sex is easy to get, intimacy isn't.
  • I love my mother.
  • I am the catalyst for change.
  • I am responsible for my actions.
  • I have to set boundaries and enforce them.
  • I love my job
  • I'm grateful and blessed.
  • Music has saved my life.
  • I still think he's full of shit.
  • Sometimes I'll say something out loud, just to test the emergency broadcasting system. You know where you say something just to see if the person will run their mouth? He is an #EpicFail. I hadn't even met him up until recently and I knew I wouldn't like him when I did meet him just by the things that came out of his fuckin' mouth and the people he hung around. He is drama. I'm trying to steer clear of that. Even in an intimate setting in which, I was turned "off" and all the way down -he was just what I expected him to be, even when I channeled my inner Pebbles and gave him "The Benefit". I tried.
  • Always trust your intuition. It never lies. You have the thoughts for a reason. Usually as a protective measure.
  • "I can be a trip, but I choose not to."
  • Even though I had good intentions with that project, I should have just gone with my first mind last year and had the cover drawn instead of using models. It was a waste of time and energy.
  • I hate when I am nice and cordial with other gays, they think I'm flirting. I already know that I'm not your type and please don't feel sorry for me just because you think I'm the big boy that doesn't get any. Nigga please, once I put my mouth on you, I'll get anything I want from you...trust and believe you'll be hooked. Just because you're attractive, doesn't mean I want to fuck.
  • I think "Pretty Boys" or better yet, stereotypically attractive boys are stupid and they overcompensate with their looks and sex. Nigga do a magic trick and think. None of them have proved my theory wrong yet.
  • The Honda Civic Theory is still accurate to this day.
  • YouTube killed the Blogging star. I've been blogging since these new school kids graduated from elementary school. They are the new, not improved version of me. I won't call names. I'm not mad either.
  • "Don't come for me, bitch; you won't arrive." "I hurt when I ascend and my 'friends' miss it and I have to leave them stuck on stagnate. I gotta move on." @BlacKenGod
  • The new flat bread sandwiches from Subway will not be the death of me. I crave them at all hours of the day and night.
  • I want to kiss one of my straight male friends in the mouth...lol
  • My goal in the next 1.5 years is to impregnate this woman. I need to meet my son and be the father I never had, so I can finally fill that particular void. It's the only way to do it.
  • I'm planning a vacation to Jamaica with my mom and sister. My mother needs an escape.
  • It's funny how the tables turn.
  • When you treat people like shit and constantly drive them into the ground, never think you won't need them. You'll always have to come back crawling to those very people who you dissed. Hopefully they'll have enough compassion and mercy to forgive.
  • Real friendship is worth fighting for.
  • In the words of the great lyricist @Too$hort "Things can't stay the same. Somebody gotta break the chain."
  • Even when real friends fall out, you'll always speak again...even if it is on your death bed.
  • I love him for teaching me so many things about myself. He'll always be, "The Greates Ex Ever."

10.06.2010

I'm Coming Back...

You know, at times my alter ego...the one that most of you know, Trent Jackson gets on my fuckin nerves and definitely gets in the way of things. I created that monster out of grave insecurity. I hated myself. So many things had gone on in my personal life as a youth, I didn't want to be myself. I wanted to be dead. Trent Jackson was a way I could get people to like me and more so like myself, most of you don't know the conflict that happened when actual versus ego came to a head. :-)

Last week was a very interesting, long, draining but victorious week. Every day, I learn more about myself and I am glad that I've finally taken this time out to get to know me and get back in touch with that little kid that was abused, abandoned, lonely, violated, fragile and hurt.

For a long time I ignored myself - because for a while, I never thought that my existence was worth anything. I didn't feel welcomed, I didn't feel relevant and ultimately I thought that no one cared. Now that I'm older and have a few experiences under my belt, I've been blessed to fall in love with myself all over again. But the road here hasn't been easy - and I didn't think that I would make it.

I've taken a couple of years off from writing and have taken a longer than expected hiatus from recording my show, "In The Mix With Trent." Mainly, because I needed to hear my own voice and reconnect with the person that I've become accustomed to ignoring, Me. I've made some massive changes to better myself and while I'm not there all the way, I'm a lot closer to where I want to be. More importantly, I've taken this time to get back to me at the core and now I'm ready to do what I do best, serve the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic truth. We are in dire need of it.

There has been a lot of gay news going on. By now, we're all aware of the Bishop Eddie Long situation - which is outright disgusting and it confirms why so many blacks steer away but are yet so caught up in church. That is a whole 'nother topic that I'll reserve comment for later. But the most disturbing of the news, is the alarming rate of recent suicides committed by gay teens, the most recent struck me at the core.

Ray Chase, the last string of gay suicides literally made me cry in my office at work. I literally was brought back to 2004 when I swallowed a bottle of Vicodin and chased it down with a bottle of Smirnoff. My then boyfriend called the police and in essence saved my life, at the time I was mad at him for doing it. I'll talk more in detail about that night later, but I'll never forget that intervention in my mothers kitchen with she and my uncle present and more importantly the morning after, when I looked into the eyes of my 2 year old sister and she said "Don't leave" and reached out for me.

When I look at Ray Chase, I see a popular, witty, funny, handsomely attractive young man with all the potential in the world. But I also see the undercurrent of sadness and pain in his eyes. I see the kid who wants to be understood, who wants to be loved and accepted by someone. I see the pain that his family has caused by not being accepting of his sexuality. I used to be him. I've been where he was.

Ray Chase and Tyler Clementi both call me out on my responsibility to speak truth about my life as a gay man. I can't stand by and watch these things happen in silence. I would be ineffective as an artist and a human if I ignored cries for help with blind eyes and not share my experiences with others to prevent this from happening again. We all have a responsibility to be the example of what to do and what not to do in life - we never know who we're helping. It wasn't until recently that several people brought to my attention that being away from my platform was actually a void in their lives.

The day after I tried to kill myself, my uncle knocked on my bedroom door with an envelope. It was the galley of my first book, "At This Moment." I'll never forget that day. It was made clear on that day that my life had a purpose. It was made clear that God had a bigger plan for me, that I knew nothing about.

I have a service to my community. The only thing I can do is say I'm coming back. Armed, dangerous and ready...lol. It's time to clean house!

Before I go I want to say thank you to a few people who have made me realize that my work is no where near finished and offered me some morsels of inspiration along the way that made me think and reflect on what i've done...

My manager Kristina Clark, Anthony Freeman, Andre Allen and Lonnell Williams. Thank you for helping me find myself again.

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