I woke up this morning saying "BITCH PLEASE!" I went to bed last night thinking about Danity Kanes song, "Sleep On It."
I can't fake happy at all. It pays to be in touch with your honest, raw emotions at all times.
This morning started off all fucked up. Typically I wake up between 6:30 - 6:45 a.m., but for some reason this clown had his alarm clock set for 5:30 and then had the nerve to lay there and sleep through the alarm. WTF? I was so annoyed that I not only had to get up and shut the shit off, but he continued to sleep through it as if he were dead. Anyway, I ended up over sleeping and with everything that happened last night mentally, I was a complete and utter wreck. I walked all the way to the subway station only to realize my metro card was at home...I switched the same two pair of pants three times this morning.
I've come to accept that I harbor and internalize a lot of my true feelings. I refrain from saying what I'm really thinking and feeling because I know how obliteratingly harsh my thoughts are. It's common knowledge that I have a "mouth" and I give much "attitude" but I'm only responding to what I'm given. I don't go spewing off at the mouth of giving attitude without merit. I give people and situations the benefit of the doubt way too much, way too often when I know that I shouldn't.
I recently changed my phone number for a few reasons. The main is that Los Angeles is no longer my home. I need a number that reflects where I'm at now in my life, so I did that. Besides I was getting tired of people transposing my area code. I had a Los Angeles, "310" number and one of the local area codes in my region is "301" It gets confusing, even for me. I'm use to dialing 310, so at times I do that when I really meant to dial 301. I needed to cut a few people off, there are elements that shouldn't be apart of my life and there are certain people that brought that element in. I'm a lot more selective in my interaction with people. I have myself figured out to a science and I know what works and doesn't work, I wish people would just learn to accept it and get over it.
I'll be the first people to tell you that I'm emotional. My emotions rule me stronger than my logic...but they operate simultaneously, which is why I think everything out and look at the big picture. I don't expect people to get that, but I do expect them to respect it and not challenge it. A lot of the times I can't prove what I'm feeling, but I know that I'm right and I always end up right. It makes me want to institute "I told you so," back into my word usage. My intuition is so on point it scares me at times, it never fails me and I'm done with people trying to make me think I'm crazy for receiving the messages I do, especially before shit happens. Fortunately for me, I have people figured out to a science, so I can read a bitch from across the country and be dead on right.
In all honesty, I'm tired of dealing with flaky, silly ass people. Communicating when they think that it's okay to. Reciprocation is serious. I understand people are busy, but I'm sorry, it doesn't take two weeks to return a call or a text. If I did that shit, people would be throwing me under all kinds of buses. Expecting me to be and bend over backwards for them, asking for favors - but if I do the same, I'm put on the back burner or eventually played. I'm good. on that shit. I am sexually frustrated and it's probably better I remain that way and I'm professionally unhappy, with the later being the one that's most consuming.
For the past 60 days, I've been going back and forth with the company that published and distributed my first novel "At This Moment." I published that book when I was 21 years old. I was fresh, I didn't know everything. I went on to sell 10K copies of that book and I recently found out that I wasn't getting paid royalties on digital sales, which royally pissed me off. I had no idea that I had sold a substantial amount of kindle edition books which would have earned me a nice royalty. A few people that I knew personally bought my book on the kindle edition, which weren't included in my last royalty statement that I got in April. When I didn't see the sales posted in my July royalty statement, I questioned it and I asked how many digital copies I has sold, I was livid. I immediately got on the phone with my attorney and issued a cease and desist order. I'm now waiting to receive, what would would be the equivalent to a music artist "masters," along with a settlement check.
This delays my new book, "Pop Life" longer because I have to reorganize my company and include my first book on my publishing companies catalog, which means I'm basically re-publishing my first book, which is a good thing, but a great task. I was smart with my second novel, "Full Circle" and actually took control over publishing and distributing myself.
The main hold up for "Pop Life" is this cover. This is really sensitive for me. I'm the kind of person that if the vision that I have for something doesn't go as planned, it's not getting done at all. I'm a perfectionist with my art and unless you're a creator, I don't expect you to understand and I'd prefer if people shut the fuck up when it comes to my EXPRESSION. It's my vision and I've been successful at what I do for a reason.
When I first came up with the cover concept around this time last year, I thought it was a great idea - superb even, I was so excited to see the finish product, I went into overdrive, even though the book was not done at that point.
I wanted to use live models, instead of the usual artist illustrations that I usually do with my books. Honestly, I will only work with people who have the same zest for my projects as I do. I truly believe in working and employing people who are passionate and dedicated to their craft as much as I am to mine. Even though I've had to overcome a lot of personal hurtles these past few years, I'm still in love with writing and It's what I do. Back to the point, I wanted to do something completely different and provide and edge to my brand. Because of the content of this book, I need to go all out to ensure that the cover is eye catching and it "pops" when people see it. This story is extremely important and relevant since the Bishop Eddie Long situation is fresh on our minds and our society is now obsessed with fame, the internet and bloggers. "Pop Life" touches on that and some.
Initially I found the perfect five, which turned into the perfect four, which turned into three. I felt as If I was Matthew Knowles and the guys were Destiny's Child circa 2001. Again, I don't expect for anyone to understand the creative process - but the 5 guys I met and the three that I ended up with weren't the same people I had met. Initially there were a lot of set backs, plus I was dealing with my addiction and getting my personal life together. While I did communicate with them, I didn't give them the full monty.
Recently, I went to dinner with the two guys I was going to keep from the original group and I was totally unsatisfied with their display of interest in regards to the project. There was nothing there. It was like looking at your ex boyfriend who cheated on you with your best-friend. I had already made up in my mind what I was going to do - I almost felt disrespected.
I went over the situation with my manager and practically had a breakdown at her house. In so many words, she said I was over-reacting and I shouldn't scrap an idea because it doesn't go the way I want it to. She's right - but from a creative standpoint, in my brain, this is how my project was going to reach to the success that it's supposed to, because ultimately people do judge books by their cover. She injected some great options and restored my excitement back into the project and we immediately went to work on the new cover idea. Which is when I scouted the new face for "Kyle DeVoe," the books main character who would compliment the guys I already had in place.
I had noticed the new "Kyle" for quite sometime and after reading his tweets I decided to present the idea to him. I was excited when agreed, because in my mind he was the perfect fit - he embodied Kyle perfectly. Their style, the things they said. It wouldn't have been at all hard for the reader to picture the model I had in mind to pull this off seamlessly.
With the cover, I want the reader to experience "Pop Life" in 3D. A lot of the times books give you a description of the characters, so we're left to envision them in our minds. Nothing wrong with that, because that's what books are about. I wanted to take it a step further and make it visual. I wanted the cover to mesh perfectly with my exquisite attention to detail when telling a story to fully submerge the reader into the scenarios. I want them to have an orgasmic experience when reading this book and I don't want ANYONE fucking this up.
I was pissed that for whatever reason, when I took the four hour journey to sit down with the new "Kyle" to go over everything - the meeting never happened. There was a severe communication breakdown that day. It was T-Mobile, text messages, phone calls. Subsequently, I was back at square one, nowhere! I never met with the model and I was so livid that I wasn't even interested anymore. I called my manager, I maintained a positive outlook and thank God I was with my best-friend that weekend or else I would have flipped. I was disappointed that day. I went to Roosevelt Island, sat right there looking onto the Hudson and smoked two blunts...just like old times.
I've spent the last 8 months detoxing myself of childhood pain and the fake L.A. lifestyle that has taken a great toll on me mentally and emotionally. Just when I try to get my literary career back in order - here comes the bullshit. I'm not complaining, nothings ever perfect, I've done this twice before. But what I don't like is complicated situations, especially brought on by others, which are ultimately brought on by my vision. What's really going on?
This is not by any means defeat. If there is one thing that I've learned from my manager, I know that things will always work out in my favor, even if I don't see it yet.
In the end, I always get what I want. But the process to get there is what makes me have more than one case of momentary insanity, but makes success sweeter. I'm not made of glass and I won't break.