You know, at times my alter ego...the one that most of you know, Trent Jackson gets on my fuckin nerves and definitely gets in the way of things. I created that monster out of grave insecurity. I hated myself. So many things had gone on in my personal life as a youth, I didn't want to be myself. I wanted to be dead. Trent Jackson was a way I could get people to like me and more so like myself, most of you don't know the conflict that happened when actual versus ego came to a head. :-)
Last week was a very interesting, long, draining but victorious week. Every day, I learn more about myself and I am glad that I've finally taken this time out to get to know me and get back in touch with that little kid that was abused, abandoned, lonely, violated, fragile and hurt.
For a long time I ignored myself - because for a while, I never thought that my existence was worth anything. I didn't feel welcomed, I didn't feel relevant and ultimately I thought that no one cared. Now that I'm older and have a few experiences under my belt, I've been blessed to fall in love with myself all over again. But the road here hasn't been easy - and I didn't think that I would make it.
I've taken a couple of years off from writing and have taken a longer than expected hiatus from recording my show, "In The Mix With Trent." Mainly, because I needed to hear my own voice and reconnect with the person that I've become accustomed to ignoring, Me. I've made some massive changes to better myself and while I'm not there all the way, I'm a lot closer to where I want to be. More importantly, I've taken this time to get back to me at the core and now I'm ready to do what I do best, serve the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic truth. We are in dire need of it.
There has been a lot of gay news going on. By now, we're all aware of the Bishop Eddie Long situation - which is outright disgusting and it confirms why so many blacks steer away but are yet so caught up in church. That is a whole 'nother topic that I'll reserve comment for later. But the most disturbing of the news, is the alarming rate of recent suicides committed by gay teens, the most recent struck me at the core.
Ray Chase, the last string of gay suicides literally made me cry in my office at work. I literally was brought back to 2004 when I swallowed a bottle of Vicodin and chased it down with a bottle of Smirnoff. My then boyfriend called the police and in essence saved my life, at the time I was mad at him for doing it. I'll talk more in detail about that night later, but I'll never forget that intervention in my mothers kitchen with she and my uncle present and more importantly the morning after, when I looked into the eyes of my 2 year old sister and she said "Don't leave" and reached out for me.
When I look at Ray Chase, I see a popular, witty, funny, handsomely attractive young man with all the potential in the world. But I also see the undercurrent of sadness and pain in his eyes. I see the kid who wants to be understood, who wants to be loved and accepted by someone. I see the pain that his family has caused by not being accepting of his sexuality. I used to be him. I've been where he was.
Ray Chase and Tyler Clementi both call me out on my responsibility to speak truth about my life as a gay man. I can't stand by and watch these things happen in silence. I would be ineffective as an artist and a human if I ignored cries for help with blind eyes and not share my experiences with others to prevent this from happening again. We all have a responsibility to be the example of what to do and what not to do in life - we never know who we're helping. It wasn't until recently that several people brought to my attention that being away from my platform was actually a void in their lives.
The day after I tried to kill myself, my uncle knocked on my bedroom door with an envelope. It was the galley of my first book, "At This Moment." I'll never forget that day. It was made clear on that day that my life had a purpose. It was made clear that God had a bigger plan for me, that I knew nothing about.
I have a service to my community. The only thing I can do is say I'm coming back. Armed, dangerous and ready...lol. It's time to clean house!
Before I go I want to say thank you to a few people who have made me realize that my work is no where near finished and offered me some morsels of inspiration along the way that made me think and reflect on what i've done...
My manager Kristina Clark, Anthony Freeman, Andre Allen and Lonnell Williams. Thank you for helping me find myself again.