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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

10.12.2010

Somethin's In The Air...

When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt a big weight lift off of me. I knew that 10/10/10 was going to be a magical day. There was just something in the air. I felt a shift. A shift for the better. 10 is the number of completion. 10 represents the ending of a cycle.

For the past three years I've been living the material for my new book "Pop Life" and once you read it, you'll understand why I'm glad the cycle is over. The last three years of my life have been complete and utter turmoil. For the last three years I was high everyday. Trying to figure out who I was. I lost all of my friends. Every single job I had and I had no clue where my life was going. I even cheated death a total of three times. Not to mention I never thought that I would write another book again.

Looking back, I can say one thing. God is still in control - and was there every step of the way. Even when I was high out of my mind, I prayed. And I never stopped praying. I prayed to get through the rough moments - because I knew that I was only trying to cope with everything that was going on in my mind.

For the majority of my youth, I was dealing with the void of not having and knowing my father, who I'm named after. He died when I was six and he lived out of state. I always refer to my father as "Charlie," from Charlie's Angels. We never saw Charlie, but his voice came through that black box on the desk. That sums up my relationship with my father - a voice on the phone. 

It wasn't until my teenage years that I started to realize that I missed the man that I never knew more than I know. That along with being molested, being teased, having a weight issue, my Grandmother being murdered, raising my sister, having to drop out of school plus a ton of cycled family chaos consumed most of my brain space. I'm finally at a point where I can just sit back and breathe and really connect with myself again...and it feels good. I love myself. I am love.

I can honestly say that every day gets better and better. But it hasn't been easy by any means. I can't wait until I resume recording my shows just so I can go in, in detail about the last crazy 8 months of my life. I didn't know how much I appreciated that outlet until recently.

There are a lot of great things that I see happening within our community that makes me smile. I see a lot of people stepping up to the plate to make changes that are needed within the black gay community. I'm inspired  and excited as I was back in 2005 when I was on my first book tour. I love Xem VanAdams so much. He has made my entire year. He literally brought me to tears when I read what he said about me publicly, that meant so much to me. It feels good to be validated by your peers, especially when you know the work that you've put in and it goes unnoticed. It makes a difference, when  people say things about you that aren't true. It brightens your day and gives you that push that you need to keep going especially when people are so washed to believe and buy into some shit that's current at the moment or support those who you know are only out for themselves. You guys have no idea what goes on behind the scenes when you're apart of this gay "fame" sphere. I'm excited for Jumata Emil Jones a new writer on the brink of releasing his first novel. He is a phenomenal talent and he is getting ready to bring a new genre to the black gay literary world. I simply adore and love Lonnell Williams and his platform, he is such a great spirit - and he is the one that will single-handedly unite the black gay community...watch.

One thing is for sure, for all of the people that have been through - your time is here. The fake shit is over...all the people that have fucked, sucked and fucked over people to get to the top - they are falling and crumbling right before your eyes. We are now entering the era of the truth...and you'll know it when you hear it and see it. The truth hits you and shakes you at your core. It sends chills up and down your spine and it makes you have an out of body experience. It's time for healing and growth...

Life is great when you're living bliss everyday. Life is phenomenal when you're able to say that you're comfortable in your own skin. I'd never thought that I'd see the day in which I love and accept myself for who I am. You know. Looking back, I'm blessed. I'm glad that I seek and perpetuate authenticity and operate in genuine love. The road to security and acceptance haven't been easy. I've operated out several different states of insecurity, I thought it was normal. Family definitely plays a significant role in that.

I can't wait for you guys to read Pop Life...

I love you all. Be yourself. Walk in your own path and scratch what your family and society thinks. It's all built on some bullshit. Be the catalyst for change.

2 comments:

Lonnell said...

I can't wait to read Pop Life! You're a great talent and I'm glad you are my friend.

Jumata Emill Jones said...

I just love your frankness and the honesty you portray in your writing about your life!

And thank you for your endearing support. And like Lonnell, I can't WAIT to read Pop Life as well! Hurry up! :)