Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

1.28.2011

Can we be real for a second?

  • When I'm emotional I tend to be more cutthroat - and less understanding. I really hold people responsible for their actions when I'm off balance. And I don't care.
  • Yes, speaking of caring, if you don't why should I?
  • I'm depressed again. Let's see how long this one lasts. If it goes away. Does it ever? Hopefully I'll be done by dusk.
  • I take a lot of shit personal, but I only do it when we have a rapport. So please stop trying to brainwash me into thinking that your swift deceptive mind practices are other than that. There is nothing friendly, welcoming or pleasant about being bamboozled. Especially when you have the logical ability to know whats going on as it's happening.
  • If you're over the age of 28 and you tweet me back after I called you, I'm going to look at you sideways. I see you have no common courtesy. Thank you for clarifying that. For the record, I'm never calling you again. And I mean it.
  • While I understand social networking has completely obliterated our last breed of people who know how to communicate - I refuse to sit up and text you or tweet you all night. Bitch I'm a grown ass man and again, I grew up in an era where our means of communication was speaking, listening and writing. -END-
  • I'm a details person, if I've given you privy to "Pop Life" and you've read it, I need you to tell me more than, "It was good." Um. What the fuck does that mean? Whatever.
  • Maybe I'm just too demanding, maybe I'm just like my father too bold...Maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied.
  • You know I'm thinking about walking away again right?
  • Rahsaan said something very important to me (just as he always does) the last time I saw him. I know what he means now...it's funny how he and I have a lot in common...
  • I know that I'm the office manager and if you're going to be late, you have to call me...but don't call my personal cell phone for that work related shit. Call me on my personal line when you're ready to meet at the bar. :-/
  • Tomorrow is the 15 year anniversary of my Grandmothers murder. You never forget things like that. It sticks with you forever. It alters you. The moment that you were told what happened. How it happened. Who did it. The aftermath of all of that. The memories you have and the ones you'd thought you have. How it affects everyone else in your family...I was 13 when that happened...another reason why I'm on spazz control.
  • There are some people in my family that I haven't talked to since my Grandmother was murdered. They have no idea of who I am now...they missed everything. I've missed everything...blank.
  • I have to have a medical procedure done. I've been avoiding it for about a month now. My insurance company is full of shit and I'm basically arguing with them to let the Hospital of my choice perform this procedure that I'm scared to have. I do not fuck with anesthesia of any kind...
  • Having this procedure is going to delay the release of my book further and I'm pissed off about it...
  • I get super annoyed when people have no clue of what I have to deal with, but they talk all this big shit and I end up having to shut their asses down.
  • I work for a white woman. Clearly I feel like a house nigga. That's exactly what it is. Lets be honest.
  • I hate Los Angeles with a passion. The life I lead there is just a memory that I barely remember. I know the feeling of it - but remember very little about it. There was so much turmoil, chaos and confusion that I don't want to remember.
  • I'm going to stop calling people, just to say "Hello." Fuck me for being concerned about people...
  • My sisters father has kept me in court for the last 3 years. Suing me over some complete and utter bullshit. I can't believe that the courts allowed it to go on all that time. I didn't realize how much that drama consumed my life, changed me and damaged a lot of my relationships with people. I wasn't myself. But it taught me a lot. I bet that won't be the last time someone "close" to me sues me. I'm glad it's over...
  • Funny how you can raise someone elses kid and give them all they need - and you get drug through the mud in return. I can not wait for my sister to grow up and read her parents for filth. They will hear the truth from her...I just hope she understands why I abruptly moved. I did it for OUR best interest. I know what happened when I grew up...she will grow up one day too. I hope they are ready to accept and hear the irresponsible shit they did as parents.
  • I love it when I do some shit that a muthafucka never expects for me to do. Yall ain't seen shit yet.
  • Everything is business at this point. No more friends. Sad and tragic. I'd never thought it would get to this point. I meet fantastic people all the time. I just have to keep them docked...
  • In all actuality I just want a black cover with white letters that say "Pop Life" on the cover. This process is draining, tiring and emotionally unsettling.
  • I usually only ask for help when I'm in dire need of it. And when I do, people always act like I don't need help because they think "I have it all." :-/ oh okay...for real.
  • bitches only want to offer help when you no longer need them. When you reach out they blow you off. I wish i was wired like that.
  • I'm not going to beg you for shit.
  • I make and create opportunities. I never wait for them to be presented or appear.
  • I always remember all that I went through when I wrote and published my 1st book. I'll never for get the support and the lack thereof of I received. I always vowed to myself to help people when I see their drive and ambition. I haven't forgot and I won't...but you can't help everyone.
  • Fags People have a lot to learn...
  • I'm not happy and nothing makes me happy anymore except for smoking weed. I'm an addict. But I have a feeling that's not all the way accurate.
  • However, Crystal was right - I have come a long way and I've made a lot of progress over the last year. I mean who moves from Los Angeles to the east coast with NOTHING. And a year later has the ability to fly to Hong Kong and practically come and go as I please. I'm not hungry. I'm in school - I'm blessed and I have a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes when major shit is wrong in your life you can't see whats right.
  • When you're the only person you have to rely on shit is hard. But every now and then you meet someone that gives you the push that you need.
  • I have no support system. That may not be all the way true either...but that's how I feel. 90% of the time.
  • Please don't call my phone calling me selfish either. Cause you may hear something that's uncomfortable for you to digest.
  • I've always known that I was not the typical homosexual. In fact, people view me as a person not as gay...like some of my counterparts. I appreciate that.
  • I don't like gay people. All they talk about is Rihanna and sex. :-/ I do it to, but there is another level to me that most can't digest.
  • I realize that part of my duty is to change the way people view Black gay men, by not being stereotypical and challenging what others think they know about being gay.
  • I have a problem with people who pretend they're for the people - and then turn their back on those very people. You will get called out...eventually.
  • I don't place myself above anyone...you just think that I do because of your insecurity.
  • All I really want is a nice date. A nice kiss. And a good conversation once a week. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I also want a sleepover. Companionship...
  • I'm glad I didn't fuck him...I knew that people always reduce him to his looks. I really appreciate that friendship, wholeheartedly.
  • My boss is looking real silly right now. He tried me real hard. But I didn't buckle. He got fired went I creeped into L.A. and settled that lawsuit...today is his last day, but he's to prideful to talk about it. :-/
  • You know...it's all about choices. Don't be mad cause you tricked some nigga, had three of his kids, got divorced and now you're struggling. We're friends - but don't let YOUR ISSUES AND BAD DECISIONS come between our friendship. I know you're in a difficult position and you can't come and go as you please anymore. But don't be mad at me for the shit I'm trying to do to better myself.
  • I despise my offices UPS guy. The bitch has been interacting with me for longer than 90 days, why is he still calling me Mr. Lancaster...? **blank stare**
  • So the nigga at work who likes to flirt and tell me about women not sucking his dick, called me Daniel this morning. So I respond, "No. Daniel is the one you fucked last night, the one you wished I was. You can excuse yourself from my office now."
  • Have a good weekend, thanks for letting me spazz.
  • Um. Really? Okay? Don't be pushy by trying to invite me to lunch. I've already made it clear that I'm not in the correct mind frame to be around people. I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not about to sit up and act like were having a good time when I'm having "Aggressive Negro tendencies" I like to keep that to myself, especially when I have to be the good "house nigga" (not the kind to sell your ass out either, I'll give you a warning, create a distraction and enough time to get away. I'm loyal like that) at work. Thanks! :-)
  • "Not more than three short years ago I was abandoned and alone. Without a penny to my name, so very young and so afraid. No proper shoes upon my feet, sometimes I couldn't even eat. I often cried myself to sleep. But still I had to keep on going. Never knowing if I could take it. If I would make it through the night. I held on to my faith. I struggled and I prayed. And now I've found my way! If you believe in yourself enough, and know what you want You're gonna make it happen..."

1.20.2011

Fiber Tabs 2.8: BITCH I'M ME!!!

  • Who gets a pass, is me!
  • "Never trust a big butt and a smile." Then again, I'm the exception to the rule.
  • Somewhere right now, Clive Davis is spinning his wheels, burning white candles and having a seance  to get another hit record out of Whitney Houston.
  • It is extremely imperative to know the difference between a potential good friend and potential good fuck.
  • I'm getting to that point where I don't even want to be cordial with you. I'm too old to make friends. Either we're dating to be in a relationship or it's strictly business. Even though I meet potentially fantastic people all the time, a line has to be drawn.
  • People have forgotten how to socialize. I wonder what would happen if you stripped these kids of twitter, facebook and tumblr. Bitch, society would melt...fortunately for me, I was born and grew up in a time where technology was a pager! If I wanted to get to know someone, I talked to them on the phone and hung out with them. There was no texting or email. Can we get that back?
  • If there was no internet, some of you bitches would be ZEROS!
  • U can always tell the leaders- They’re the ones w/knives n their backs. Not pleasant, but that’s what it takes to be a pioneer. -Yehuda Berg
  • Sometimes you have to take it personal because it is personal, no matter what they try to make you think.
  • I'm not the one to cross. The shit that goes on in my head unfiltered will have some people wanting to fuck me up.
  • Some of yall gonna be real molded when I tell yall to deal with "my people."
  • It's funny how we got these silly ass muffukin' bitches thinking they doing something with a blog and a mixed tape talking about  "talk to my manager." Girl! You can't be serious!!BITCH I DONE SOLD AND SIGNED BOOKS IN EUROPE...AND AIN'T NEVER TOLD U NO SHIT LIKE THAT...GET A CLUE BITCH.
  • And some of these twitter people got it twisted...yeah, you might Have 10K followers, but you still ain't done shit...
  • And while I'm on a roll, one more thing. YouTube is not T.V. girl! You don't have a T.V. show. You have a WEBSHOW. Clarity is a serious thing, use it. Cause your delusions of grandeur are getting out of fuckin' control.
  • #Taurus really got on my nerves last night. He's a great person - but not someone who I want to fuck. At this point in the game, it's all about longevity, companionship, understanding and sharing lives together. He can't provide that. He's capable of it, but he's not ready now. I only accept applications to my 1 on 1 mentoring program once every four years. It's been 5. He missed the deadline :-/
  • THIS JUST IN!!! I may not be for you, but I'm for a whole LEGION of people... v. your litter.
  • It is so great walking past and seeing "Larry Hoover" in his new cube...
  • Biiiiiiiiiiitch one of my friends from back in L.A. is married to the son of an OLD SCHOOL actress from back in the day. Honey the stories, the stories! Bitch I feel like Jackie Collins...
  • Thank God for frequent flier miles.
  • I believe everyone deserves a chance...if you fuck up, your bad.
  • Sometimes you have to know that it gets better and pull yourself up with the last ounce of energy you have...just so you can stand.
  • We weren't made of glass, so therefore we are unbreakable.
  • It's all about how you treat people. Even when they curse you, hate you, spite you, talk about you, lie on you, spazz on you, hate on you. Keep your head up and don't let ill treatment change you. When you respect people and not strip them of their dignity YOU ARE ALWAYS BLESSED AND ALWAYS KEPT. You may not have it easy. A few people may stab you in the back...but you will always win and you won't even wear it on your face.
  • Being genuine, honest, respectful, open, courteous, generous and grounded will soar you to places you'd never thought you'd be.
  • You can go from being depressed and on the verge to having one of your idols take you out on your birthday 3 years in a row...I tell you because I've lived it.
  • I've been blessed and privileged to meet and befriend people who I've grown up watching on T.V. and listening to on the radio.
  • I don't say things to brag, I say things to let you know, no matter what, look at my life, the dark places I've come from. The family drama I've been through. The horrendous relationships I've been in...you will make it out. Bitch and I still look 12!
  • people are just inauthentic and disingenuous... 
  • they know real from fake and they choose the easy way out all the time because they are conditioned to care about what other people think of them.
  • I can't say it enough! Treat people with dignity and respect...watch how far you go and how blessed you remain.
  • my bosses suit actually looked nice today. It wasn't that ghetto synthetic shit he be passing off. I had to give him a compliment.
  • If you smoke blunts, invest in a Cocoa Butter stick.
  • Pay attention to your intuition. It will tell you when you're fuckin' up and how to get your shit together. Don't ignore that hoe either.
  • Sometimes i get the feeling that friends are just God's way of apologizing to us for our families. - @F1eetwood
  • I still feel some kinda way about not getting that Teddy Ruxpin. My birthday is in 50 days. Get me one.
  • The best way to describe my management meeting today is a "Dog & Pony" show
  • So my married co-worker who likes to brush up against my booty in the bathroom while I'm pissing, who is also a manwhore, that also refers to the hand sanitizer in my office as lube, told me that when you get married your wife stops sucking dick. LADIES PLEASE SUCK YOUR HUSBANDS DICK SO HE CAN STOP SCOUTING MY MOUTH! It would be appreciated. Thanks honey.
  • she told me "We need to have a meeting on how to conduct a meeting." :-/ BITCH WHAT? #WhereTheyDoThatAt?
  • Completely Unacceptable
  • So this is how the conversation went between me and the football player at my school.
                   "So you coming out to my birthday party at the club?"
                   "No. I'll be out of the country on Monday."
                   "Huh?"
                   "I won't be in town."
                   "The country? I told you my birthday when I first started kickin' it with you."
                   "Okay. But this is the first time I'm hearing about this."
                   "Why you actin like that? I want you at my party and you bullshittin'"
                   "Um. Okay. So I'm gonna go ahead and end this conversation since you're actin like we're                         fuckin or somethin."
                   "That's some gay ass shit to say."
                   "Gay shit to say? No. A straight man spazzing out that a gay man is not coming to his party is some
                    gay ass shit. I'm not suckin or fuckin' you so my presence is really irrelevant. We're in a law class 
                    together and that's as far as it goes. So again. I'll talk to you later."
                   "You're a bitch ass nigga."
                   "You're the one with dreadlock extensions." Click.
  • WANTED: A black male over the age of 25 for a serious long term relationship. You must be a Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio or Virgo. I prefer that you drive a Yukon truck (or similar style, i.e., Hummer, Range Rover) with tinted windows, big rims and a tricked out sound system - but I'll consider other options. You must be a versatile bottom that likes to get eaten before you get beaten. Must have a passport, employed with a job at least making 45k a year. Have a working knowledge of Roth IRA's, 401k, Investment property, frequent flier accounts and off-shore accounts. He must also have medical and dental coverage in which he utilizes. Must be a non-drug user (recreational marijuana usage acceptable. Meth, Coke or any hard drugs is out of the question), that can communicate effectively, understand the words respect, honesty, candor and stability. No serious health issues, particularly mental health issues that involve delusions, paranoia, displaced anger or schizophrenia. Please enjoy live music, Patron and laughing, while having an utter disdain for complacency, arrogance, hate, falsehoods and bamboozlement. No felonies or misdemeanors in the areas of assault, thievery, identity theft, fraud, domestic violence, possession of a control substance (unless it was with the intent to sale) or sex crimes of any kind. Finally you must accept Janet Jackson as his lord and personal savior. :-|

6 years later where are they now: The Frank Roberts edition

"Back n tha day" when blogging first became popular there was a group of bloggers..."The Black Gay Bloggers" not to be confused with the original Black Gay Blogger, Karsh.

"The Black Gay Bloggers" ran in the same circle! We created our own national support system which I don't think we really took advantage of or appreciated properly. But there were some very positive bonds formed when we first did our thing around 2005 before YouTube killed us off...or at least tried to. Before the popular bloggers that you guys idolize like celebrities today, we laid the groundwork for that. Check the records, they are there. There aren't very many Gay Black bloggers that have been blogging as long as me and a few others.

It was a fun time nonetheless. We got into drama - and shared the experience of young, 20-something black gay men who were all coming to terms with our sexuality at the same time. In retrospect, in our own way we got each other through some very difficult times in our young lives. We were young, gay and catty...not all of us.

There were a few bloggers that stood out. They had that something extra - something that made you think, challenged an idea or gave you clarity moment that changed your life forever. They always seem to make an impact and leave a lasting impression for what they contribute.

Frank Leon Roberts - an academic on a mission, was one of those people that left an impression on me. There are so many ways to describe Frank. He was the cool, opinionated, cocky guy over at BrooklynBoyBlues.blogpost.com (now open to invited readers only).

These days Frank has a new venture on the horizon. His new "Post-Racial Negro" T-shirt line. Check out his announcement below and learn more about one of my all time favorite bloggers by visiting his new site: www.frankrobertsonline.com

1.19.2011

Trigger, The Smoking Gun

I've always hated math. The only mathematical thing I do is count money. Anything else, you're asking waaaay too much of me. I can do a few things well. I can write, I can read off of a teleprompter, I can tell you a few great stories, I can cook well, I will give you some amazing fellatio and penis, I can make sound decisions and I can have you feeling like a million dollars when we both know you ain't worth shit (I've dated some crazy people). Math is no where in that equation.
This is my second semester in school. I'm excited, as I love school and it's always been a dream of mine to finish college. Last semester I did okay. I was adjusting to the city and getting my living arrangements and job in order while focusing on myself. All of my life I had to think for everyone else, while I was pushed to the background and belittled for my existence. We're almost done with that...But I'm very grateful to be in school and have the motivation to finish.

Last night as I sat in math class, I felt like committing suicide right there on the spot. I was confused, irritated, bored, addicted to twitter and spaced right out during class. It was right when she threw those alphabets in with the numbers! Where they do that at? I really wish that all math was in word problem form, then I'd be able to interpret it just fine.

As I was doing an assignment in class, my professor started walking around asking if we needed any help and looking over our work. I usually never ask for help for anything, but without hesitation, I asked her, "This is the part that confuses me, writing these conjenctures." She led me through it, but as she stood over me explaining how to write it out in the nicest, mildest way possible, I couldn't help but remember what made me hate math in the first place.

I was my sisters age. I was 8 years old, I was in the 3rd Grade at 36th Street Elementary school in Los Angeles, Ca. My 3rd Grade teacher was Dr. Florida Hyde, room 11. For homework, she gave us this long sheet of paper with division problems on it. We had to complete it, front and back. Back then, I would walk home from school with my friends and we would all walk as fast as possible to get home to catch Power Rangers and Woody Wood Pecker on channel 11. My Grandmother would have some food ready when I got home. After cartoons and eating, I'd go out and play until 6 o'clock when my Mom got home from work.

This particular night when she got home she asked me if I did all of my homework. I responded no and told her that I needed some help with my division. Classically my mother has always been a pure evil asshole when she came home from work - and the line of work that she is in, dealing with the public daily and enforcing rules in the mean streets of Los Angeles, it's understandable. Looking back, I've always have been at the receiving end of her displaced anger and frustration.

As she was helping me her patience got short, because I wasn't catching on fast enough. I ended up being called, a "stupid motherfucker," and was told "next time pay attention in class with your dumb fat ass and stop playing around so much." I believed I was everything she said - and never did math since. How have I got by all this time? Bitch I've passed math successfully with a D, once with a C and a B once, only because in high school I was crafty enough to steal the teachers edition of the math book and passed. :-/

But I've always known why and when I've stopped doing math.

As my professor walked away I almost broke down in class. I could, but couldn't believe that I had been carrying that moment, that block with me for 21 years. 21 years. I'll never forget the way that woman cursed, yelled and screamed because I wasn't catching on quick enough. To me, I wasn't smart enough and I wasn't good enough for my own mother. To this day, part of me still feels that way. But as an adult, I know better. I've been a victim of her and her family's deceptive mind practices long enough.

Once my professor walked off and approved of my work, I was angry. I felt like calling my mother telling her what a spiteful, evil, bitter bitch she was. I know how I really feel about her and I spare her ass every time. If I allow myself to loose control of my mouth and tell her about her - I know that she would kill herself. She would not be able to handle or deal with what I have to say. My mother is a coward, she comes from a line of cowards. She would rather die than accept the truth about what she's done and what she's allowed to happen. She is one of the most irresponsible people I know. This is why I can not deal or accept people talking down or at me. Instead, I called my sister, told her I loved her, asked her how she was and if she ever needed to talk to me I'd be there. In my mind the only way to heal myself of childhood agony is to help my sister. I know what she's going through. I used to be her and in a lot of ways watching her grow up reminds me of things that happened to me and it makes me examine why I do what I do.

When class was over, I told my professor Good Night and I thanked her for helping me. I told her why I've always had a disdain for math. She empathized and she told me "Parents need more patience. But I'll work with you and you'll pass this class." I felt a sense of relief and it was a genuinely nice gesture.

As I got on the train going back home, I closed my eyes, put on my headphones, turned on some Rahsaan Patterson and I cried.

1.18.2011

Fighting For Whats Right, Revisited

Hi my name is Trent Jackson! I excel at everything I do, I get what I want and I always win. Nice to make your acquaintance.
It might take a minute but I get what I want. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I also come and go as I please, get what I want and I always win. The sooner you get, understand and accept that, the better off you'll be. In my previous post, Fighting For Whats Right, I talked about the ups and downs of being young, educated, professional Black Male in a entry level management position for a Government agency. Needless to say, the road to acclimation has been far from easy, especially where decisions are concerned.

One thing is for sure, I know exactly what I want and I know it when I see it. Not to brag, but I have a knack for knowing when something will and will not work. I can't explain it, I just know it.

For the last month or so I've refused to process any new hire paperwork because upper management made a few grossly negligent decisions that I didn't agree with. I'm sorry, but I'm at a point in my life where I can not be apart of incompetence on any level - it's not my job to go along with illogical thoughts, ideas and suggestions. It is my job to be the sounding board and inject life into situations that I encounter; this being one of them. I exercised all of my possible power to the limit and some, just to make sure the right decision was made.

For whatever idiotic reason (being drunk on haterade) my boss, Mr. Niggadamus Jones did not want "Larry Hoover" to get the position that was open in my office. I pushed for Larry Hoover because he is the right fit - not because we occasionally go out to lunch or because I think he's hot. Those are only enhancements to his stellar customer service, his work ethic, his follow through and his ability to learn. I see the way Larry interacts with people in our office and other offices. Whenever a technician is need and Larry responds, I always get excellent feedback. 80% of the new position involves interacting with other Federal employees and assisting them with any computer network issues they are experiencing. Larry does exceptional work - and because of my capacity as office manager, I interact with him and other office staff more because usually upper management is out of touch.

My bosses main issue with Larry was he didn't have enough technical experience. Okay? So we'd have to train an outside person on our system anyway - the same training Larry would get or any other person (Larry was the best internal candidate hands down. One guy had been here 10 years and just now wants to make a move and the other was not personable enough to interact with other Federal staff) who came from the outside. It wasn't a valid enough excuse and I totally got irritated and didn't do any work. I boycotted their ass like a negro in the 60's. I REFUSED TO BE DENIED! YOU WILL HEAR ME!

So they picked some external candidate that was cool - but ran his fuckin' mouth too much. I don't do talkers...but anyway, I was okay with the decision, but I told them in the meeting after his initial interview that he was a slacker, lazy and wasn't motivated enough for the job, so to be ware. I also told them if any disciplinary actions came across my desk, I would not enforce them because it would be a lesson for them to value their internal candidates and send a clear message that they are important, appreciated and thankful for their most prized possession: the human resource.

Of course I was met with more resistance. Even though I felt fantastic for asserting myself, I still felt some defeat. I knew that I had done the right thing, but I knew they had made the wrong choice. Two days in, the internal candidate quit.

The new hire who I call, Spazzer called me on my Government sponsored BlackBerry and pleaded. He just talked, and talked and kept fucking talking about how sorry he was, but his old job was offering more money, they wanted him back, blah, blah, blah...hmmm. Of course my craft shady wheels were turning. I told him to go on ahead and go home (Wednesday) enjoy the rest of his week and start his new job on Monday! Do you! If a job is paying your ass more than we are...NO BRAINER! You get a telework day every week, better benefits, etc. If you don't get out of Larry Hoovers cubicle so he can do his job. :-/

So of course the scramble begins...management calls this "urgent" final hour meeting once word broke - talking about how we have to do another round of interviews. I objected and sternly warned them, if they did not listen to the advice of HR (me) I would have no other choice to bring the matter to the attention of the office of personnel management. That is a Federali's worst nightmare. I then told them that Larry Hoover would fill the position, so again I was met with resistance and opposition.

I went to the head of the department and told him that he had to pick an internal candidate to remedy the situation - thank God we were on the same page, because he pissed off that Spazzer quit, but before I walked out of his office he said, "I think you were right, we should have went with Larry." Hmph.

The next day Spazzer came in to return his badge and as soon as he was buzzed into the office,  Mr. Niggadamus Jones yelled to the top of his lungs, "This is my office, you need to get the fuck out, you don't work here anymore!" Then instructed me to call security.

**PAUSE**

You want me to call security and you're using profanity against someone who is trying to follow procedure and turn in their equipment? Girl please.I didn't call security, I immediately called his boss and let him hear the confrontation as it went down. :-/ Bitch I'm not the one...let me show you a few tricks.

Within minutes - Niggadamus' boss was there, surveying the situation. Of course all was clear and Niggadamus was pretending as if nothing had happened and he just hadn't lost his cool. I mean he was fresh off of a bi-polar adrenaline kick episode. Where they do that at? He musta been watching them white people on lifetime. They the only people on the face of the planet that get mad and then act like nothing happened. Niggas let you know they pissed. :-/

So anyway...after a long holiday weekend, I open my email and I see an email to my entire office. It read:

All,



Please join me in congratulating Larry Hoover on his promotion to the Network Operations group as a LAN Administrator I. The selection process was difficult as we had a number of good candidates from our Desktop Support Team.

- Niggadamus Jones

You can be dry, salty and hate all you wanna! But in case you didn't know, My name is Trent Jackson! I excel at everything I do, I get what I want and I always win. Nice to make your acquaintance. Oh yes...The moral of the story, delay isn't always defeat. You don't know what God is going to do, to ensure you win.

1.13.2011

I run it...

  • Ciara's CD isn't as bad as I thought it was, hence the title. That song came on while I was getting my ass ate this weekend in L.A.
  • Speaking of L.A. sex, never will I call you again when I'm in town. Why couldn't I find Young Fresh?
  • "It' funny how your feelings change. The more you know, the more things stay the same."
  • I had such a great time this week I was under the impression that I should move back...then I woke up after my night at The Abbey.
  • I saw someone I used to fuck, who I flip cammed. He asked me, "Is this for you blogspot?" The comment was as pitiful as he looked. Trust and believe when you fuck without a cause, you end up looking run thru. I only filmed him to shake my head in disgust later and remind myself, never to fuck with someone of his caliber again.
  • It was good seeing a few familiar faces...
  • My sister had no idea I was coming home! It was overwhelming for me to see her drop her Wii game controller right in the middle of playing, dart across the living room and jump in my arms. I love that little girl.
  • One of my puppies got away! The other puppy who I call "The Boy Dog" was sad and crying. I wanted to cry with him, but I couldn't find the nerve to do it. I felt his pain though. OMG! He kept going to the back door crying.
  • I missed #Taurus while I was gone. He's a good dude.
  • So, the key to life is creating good karma. Once you have a streaming line of karmatic credit, you can come and go as you please and do whatever you want to do, without resistance.
  • Traveling is essential.
  • I'm learning to let my barriers down a little more.
  • My birthday is in 60 days.
  • So there is this #TreacherousHomosexual who I know, who is holding some shit over my head. Some shit I said 3 years ago...that he recorded. Now, go ahead if you want to release a spliced up tape. But I've already talked about it. And your timing couldn't be better. Just wait a few more weeks till I get the physical copies of "Pop Life."
  • I am so glad I don't live in L.A. anymore. Since I moved, this website was incepted. I could not imagine this website being in existence when I was "L.A." and very much lived the life those kids were living. We all know about my time in L.A., but that site takes it to a whole 'nother level. I have no desire to have people in my business like that.
  • "Sundays at The Abbey" (unedited) will make or break your gay social life in Los Angeles. It is the epicenter of all things black and all things gay.
  • I will see Janet Jackson 3 times this year. #HongKong #DC #LA
  • So my Forensic Psychology teacher gave me a B. Bitch I poured my heart in that research paper admission on Borderline Personality Disorder and I get a B? Oh yeah, I didn't turn in that mid-term :-/
  • I'm okay with being me.
  • One thing I do miss about L.A. though is driving...sunroof open...music blasting.
  • I appreciate my Uncle. He always listens to me. And it made the lawsuit I've been involved in for the last three years a little bit more bearable. He asked me, "When is this shit going to be over?"
  • I'm actually looking forward to finishing school.
  • Moving to D.C. was one the best decisions I've ever made in my life.
  • My life is rich and I am immensely blessed.
  • Fuck over someone and see how your life turns out...I see your misery all in your face and I look at the mess of your life. :-( your bad!
  • I can't believe I made him cum in 3 minutes.
  • It's funny how when you're the "new boy" in the club, everyone is on you. Funny how the L.A. girls have no clue that I'm not new or recycled...but I know whats up.
  • It was fun flirting at the abbey, I met this boy who I've dubbed "Keri Hilson" and after I discovered that website, funny how he was a regular all up and thru that site.
  • Again, this website, although based on factual observation, I don't like seeing my friends targets of things like this.
  • While we're on the subject of friends, just because we talk doesn't mean I hate you or I'm mad at you. I'm not the same person I used to be. I've outgrown a lot of things, clothes, places, etc...if you respected and accepted an old version of me, you'll always be good in my book.
  • Speaking of clothes, bitch, I'm starting to look too wide in pictures. Can we fix that in photoshop? Bitch if you can cover up your acne I can be thin. Mariah Carey did it.
  • In fact what I need is a fine ass man that's going to make me jog and give me a nasty look when I think about eating a French Fry. It wouldn't be bad if he liked to lick booty either. :-/
  • SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why is it that, when you make eye contact, you're talking, you're feelin' the vibe and you say, "You know. I think you're a cool dude, I'd like to take you out to dinner...platonic," they get all weird.
  • So my pick up line is "Do you have a passport?" Boys eat it up every time. It catches them off guard and I love it when they say yes.
  • Ain't nothing like an L.A. boy...the swag...but they on that bullshit.
  • I missed the memo about wearing V-Neck T-shirts to work.
  • Loyalty is the most important trait in any social interaction.
  • Those are two fake ass fence riding ass niggas. Not fuckin' with them anymore. They are the type to be claiming they know you 'an shit' when you're up but talkin' shit when you're down. But we can be twitter friends. :-/
  • You know, he is a really great guy and I'm glad that he is apart of my life.
  • I am still devastated that I did not like not ONE picture from my photo shoot last week. I knew that I wasn't camera ready...it shows. Photoshop can't fix expressions...
  • It's this old ass white bitch in my office named Liz. She has to be about 106. I was asking her why something hadn't come in yet and she sang "You are working for the Government. Nothing gets done all day," in the tune of "I've been workin on the railroad..." :-/ Bitch ain't never lied.
  • My podcast was supposed to comeback this week. I get these sudden bursts of excitment to record and then I loose it. (BPD)
  • Maybe I'll just do it, (the show) once a week.
  • I'm not hoping he fails, but when karma strikes I just want to be present to make eye contact with him. It's better than me saying I told you so.
  • I forgot it was a three day weekend.
  • "Hey there goes two stereotypical black guys."
  • So, if my male co-worker says, "Love you babe," on his way out daily, what is he saying really?
  • Why does my math professor look like Monica? I think when I go to class tonight I'm gonna breakout into "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! ALL OVAH ME-EEEE"
  • Let me hit it so I can catch the book store.
  • P.S. have you seen my fiber tabs?

1.03.2011

The Rules of Engagement 2011

I wanted to stay in. But I didn't.
I should have followed my first mind but I didn't.
I hate it when I'm somewhere and I can't leave when I want to.

When I finally got around to centering myself, I was a day late. I recflected back on things that I had been through and how New Years traditionally isn't a happy one. A few years back, a close female friend of mine had sex with someone I was dating. A few years before that Tuesday, the person I was closest to in my family died and when I was 12, right after the New Year, my Grandmother was murdered. 

As I lit a white candle, I rested in silence and prayed. I became one with myself, something I hadn't done in a while, probably since the summer. For me, 2010 was a year of turbulence, crash landings, jumping off trains right before they wrecked and running out of burning buildings at the final hour. I knew that I would make it out and I did, almost unscathed. And with it, I finally laid to rest things that had resurfaced more than they should have.

2010 was a year of personal transition. Dead smack in the middle of the "Pop Life" production, I threw my hands up and pressed pause. Here I was again, ignoring myself and feeding this need to live up to the demand of "Trent Jackson" and for what? I had done that before with the "Full Circle" project and the next thing I knew, I killed myself because Derrick Briggs dumped me! What the fuck? Girl boo!

I felt the dire urge to move from Los Angeles. By the time my plane landed in Washington D.C. I had nothing more than $50 in my pocket and a place to sleep. It was  desperate measure because of desperate times. I was tired of Los Angeles and everything it had to offer. I had outgrown it. Los Angeles, taught me a lot about interpersonal workings. It taught me to have thick skin. It taugh me that everything isn't what it seems. It sent a message loud and clear that complacency wasn't apart of my make up and if I wanted to change my life, it had to be done away from the things that I was used to and away from the things that continued to cause me anguish on a mental, spiritual and physical level. I was tired - I took a chance and a year later, I can tell you this has been the best decision that I've made in my life, hands down.

My life hasn't been the greatest over the past three years. Everything I thought I knew, I didn't. The floor literally fell from beneath me and I was on a freefall to an unknown oblivion. Looking back, even in that fog, that state of confusion, some how (God) I made a couple of decisions that I didn't think would benefit me, the way that they have. The Rules of Engagement in 2008 and 2009 set the tone for who I am today. It took 3 years for my rules to become engrained in my brain and it forced me to standup for myself and look at me for the answers I needed to improve my life.

My white candle isn't done burning....The Balance of all colors: Spiritual enlightenment, cleansing, clairvoyance, healing, truth-seeking, purity, innocence, clarity and unity, Dawn, purification, peace, truth, protection, spirituality, General work, cleansing, repels negativity; use to bring peace, spiritual strength, truth, purity; heals emotions, and provides protection...it still burns.

In the mist of this, 11 things came to me that I want to share:

01. Shut The Fuck Up.

02. Accept your faults and admit irresponsibility.

03. If it's not done in genuine authenticity DON'T FUCKIN' DO IT!

04. Look a muthafucka in the eye. You'll discover what's really going on.

05. Look at yourself.

06. Smile.

07. Know who you are, what you're capable of and what you do your best.

08. Get the message not the messenger.

09. Operate knowing that any and everything can be done.

10. Center yourself. Pray. Meditate and rid yourself of things, places and people that hinder who you are.

11. Compliment yourself and 2 other people each day.

Live knowing that you are capable of living a better life and doing the things that you've always wanted to do.