I wanted to stay in. But I didn't.
I should have followed my first mind but I didn't.
I hate it when I'm somewhere and I can't leave when I want to.
When I finally got around to centering myself, I was a day late. I recflected back on things that I had been through and how New Years traditionally isn't a happy one. A few years back, a close female friend of mine had sex with someone I was dating. A few years before that Tuesday, the person I was closest to in my family died and when I was 12, right after the New Year, my Grandmother was murdered.
As I lit a white candle, I rested in silence and prayed. I became one with myself, something I hadn't done in a while, probably since the summer. For me, 2010 was a year of turbulence, crash landings, jumping off trains right before they wrecked and running out of burning buildings at the final hour. I knew that I would make it out and I did, almost unscathed. And with it, I finally laid to rest things that had resurfaced more than they should have.
2010 was a year of personal transition. Dead smack in the middle of the "Pop Life" production, I threw my hands up and pressed pause. Here I was again, ignoring myself and feeding this need to live up to the demand of "Trent Jackson" and for what? I had done that before with the "Full Circle" project and the next thing I knew, I killed myself because Derrick Briggs dumped me! What the fuck? Girl boo!
I felt the dire urge to move from Los Angeles. By the time my plane landed in Washington D.C. I had nothing more than $50 in my pocket and a place to sleep. It was desperate measure because of desperate times. I was tired of Los Angeles and everything it had to offer. I had outgrown it. Los Angeles, taught me a lot about interpersonal workings. It taught me to have thick skin. It taugh me that everything isn't what it seems. It sent a message loud and clear that complacency wasn't apart of my make up and if I wanted to change my life, it had to be done away from the things that I was used to and away from the things that continued to cause me anguish on a mental, spiritual and physical level. I was tired - I took a chance and a year later, I can tell you this has been the best decision that I've made in my life, hands down.
My life hasn't been the greatest over the past three years. Everything I thought I knew, I didn't. The floor literally fell from beneath me and I was on a freefall to an unknown oblivion. Looking back, even in that fog, that state of confusion, some how (God) I made a couple of decisions that I didn't think would benefit me, the way that they have. The Rules of Engagement in 2008 and 2009 set the tone for who I am today. It took 3 years for my rules to become engrained in my brain and it forced me to standup for myself and look at me for the answers I needed to improve my life.
My white candle isn't done burning....The Balance of all colors: Spiritual enlightenment, cleansing, clairvoyance, healing, truth-seeking, purity, innocence, clarity and unity, Dawn, purification, peace, truth, protection, spirituality, General work, cleansing, repels negativity; use to bring peace, spiritual strength, truth, purity; heals emotions, and provides protection...it still burns.
In the mist of this, 11 things came to me that I want to share:
01. Shut The Fuck Up.
02. Accept your faults and admit irresponsibility.
03. If it's not done in genuine authenticity DON'T FUCKIN' DO IT!
04. Look a muthafucka in the eye. You'll discover what's really going on.
05. Look at yourself.
07. Know who you are, what you're capable of and what you do your best.
08. Get the message not the messenger.
09. Operate knowing that any and everything can be done.
10. Center yourself. Pray. Meditate and rid yourself of things, places and people that hinder who you are.
11. Compliment yourself and 2 other people each day.
Live knowing that you are capable of living a better life and doing the things that you've always wanted to do.